What kind of relationship is this?

[annaomar]

I met my DH four years ago. He is Arabic, I am English. I do love him very much and he says he loves me but I think actions speak louder than words....... We married after about 6 months. We have never lived together - I see him, always at his home 2 or 3 times a week. Saturdays I sleep at his and maybe once a month during the week. He has always been more interested in his friends than in me - I assume this is an Arab man thing. He goes out to meet them to drink tea, play billiards, smoke shisha etc. he never tells me where he goes and he gets angry if I ask. I don't entirely trust him regarding other women - I don't have evidence, just a strong feeling which he laughs at. He stays up late and sleeps late so even on our days together we rarely go anywhere or do anything together. I often think he treats me with a sort of contempt but I also feel like I've lost perspective and don't know if I'm being over sensitive. I earn more than him and give him money - although what he does with it I don't know and he gets angry if I ask him. When we are together he is very loving - he gives me lots of hugs & kisses and he is very good at spotting if I've been upset by someone or had a bad day, so he's obviously paying attention somewhere along the line. At the same time though the relationship seems to be driven by what he wants. I spend lots of time thinking I should leave but I don't want to hurt him.

we could be "legally married" and he could still have girlfriends around and about. In away that would be more hypocritical - Nikah allows for polygamy (within strict rules) whereas British marriage, especially in church ( forsaking all others etc) does not.

Ah well if that's the case then what are you complaining about? His perfectly valid freedom and ability to shag around with....what? Another three Nikah 'wives' is it?.....is apparently what you signed up for.

You'll just have to suck it up i suppose. On you go then.

I noticed the continual use of Arabic instead of Arab as well - I wondered if it was just that her 'husband' has engaged with her so little about his culture and never really talked to her properly about himself and his background that it was just an innocent mistake on her part. But for someone who is apparently very highly educated and clearly totally obsessed with this man, I find it hard to accept that she would not at some point have done enough research herself to know that 'Arabic' is nothing more than the language, the people are Arab.

Indeed Gawjuss, a work colleague speaks Arabic but he is from Syria.
It seems that Anna has plenty of strength and intelligence to fight her corner and evade questions on here but can't deal with the cocklodger in real life.

Does he cheat on you Anna? I have noticed that people often need real solid concrete proof of cheating before they leave someone. Do you need something like that?

anna, you came on here saying you were unhappy, your dh treats you with contempt, takes your money and you don't see a future.

when everyone agrees with you you defend him and say it's not that bad.

i think you should read this thread from top to bottom and have a good think without your massive defence barriers coming up.

it's going to be very easy to extricate yourself from this relationship. you just have to decide to do it.

btw contempt and a lack of respect are virtually impossible to rectify. this man doesn't deserve your consideration in my view.

Anna I have no idea if you're genuine or not but I'll assume you are.

My last thought on your posts is how your academic credentials may be causing you to act in a way that is detrimental to your ability to make a decision.

You can hypothesize and postulate all you like about your current life and the lifestyle that H has chosen for himself and, therefore, for you. Your academic studies have equipped you to gather all the evidence, to research, review and consider all sides of the argument and look at situations in a multi-faceted and open-minded way. Real life doesn't always lend itself to the academic skillset and sometimes you just have to go with your instinct which is quite alien to the academic world.

So I say stop weighing and balancing. Stop hypothesising and postulating. Take off your logical hat, take off your gown and cap and consider just one question - what is right for you? What is right for Anna?

analysis paralysis

I think you have been quite unfair with me - just because I haven't posted about what I intend to do you all assume I am going to do nothing. That's not true. Every one who has posted here has expressed in writing thoughts that have been in my head for many months. I think one thing I've learned is that sometimes a person can get into a position where it's very difficult to think straight and emotional energy is so draining that a person can feel too tired to act - especially if a persons mental health is a bit wobbly anyway.It's easy to get into a situation where you can't quite believe what's happening. Bloody hell I've had a crap week - been "shouted at" by MNetters, told I need psychiatric help or that I have LDs, had my car broken in to and now today the icing on the cake: been told Ofted are coming next week.

I think this is the first time ever on MN where absolutely everyone has agreed.

However, it appears that well over 350 posts telling OP that her DH is treating her badly and taking advantage of her good nature are not enough to convince her.

Maybe she's waiting for someone to come along and reassure her that it's perfectly normal to have never lived with your husband, but to give him large amounts of pocket money in return for very occasional sex and the odd bar of chocolate

Or maybe this thread is just a hoax. It doesn't seem to add up, Anna. You began by asking what kind of a relationship this is, you were told unanimously that it isn't a normal relationship and you are wasting your time and money on someone who cares little for you, and what is your reaction? You become defensive and try to justify it, even trotting out the fact that nikah allows regulated polygamy.

Well that's alright then. If he's being unfaithful he's just following the rules you signed up for

I have wobbly mental health too and one thing that really does drain me is when my relationship feels "wrong" and when I know I need to step up, have courage and do what needs to be done. Have you considered that maybe when you aren't thinking about this, trying to rationalise it, trying to make it okay in your head, you might feel a lot less tired? Taking control of your own life and your own future is a positive, energising act.

You probably DO need some councilling - I know it felt like a lifesaver after I was involved in a very similar situation to you (and yes, with and Arab) and helped me completely rethink some of the most basic assumptions that I had about the role of men, women and boundaries in a relationship.
My therapist explained perfectly how when a situation is so absolutely wrong, and you find yourself in it, and you dont really understand how you came to take all those steps to get there, where you are being subtly and not so subtly abused, but your boundaries have been chipped away until you dont even know right from wrong, AND you have some ill concieved idea about saving/working at/loving a deeply dysfunctional human being who doesnt view the relationship in any kind of way that you do, then it can take all your strength just to keep going with the normal stuff day to day, and you dont have time to see the bigger picture.

These ladies have shown you the bigger picture. I wish to hell that MN would have been around, and I wouldnt have lost 8 years of my life on that user.

You, at least, are not so entwined. You can stay away and have no further contact, but I really really would get yourself some therapy, so you can find out what was missing, that made you make choices that most people simply would not. (and I did too, you are certainly not alone there)

Good luck

Ofsted don't make Fridays calls. It's Monday for Tuesday/weds, tues for weds/Thursday or weds for Thursday/fri. AFAIK. We've always been told if they don't ring by midday Weds your safe for that week!

What I think people are confused about is that you asked; were told - and then you starting defending him.

You haven't been "shouted at" by anyone on here, we're just perplexed that you have allowed the situation to last so long. You have received lots of advice and encouragement.

Sorry to hear you've had a crap week, but I really disagree that you've been treated unfairly on here - it's in RL that you are being treated unfairly.

I agree with the above posts. OK so I am going to believe you're telling the truth and this is not a hoax. Maybe you came on MN with a vague hope that some of is would tell you it's fine and that things will work out. But resoundingly and unanimously we've all said this is not the case.

Seek out a therapist or a clinical psychologist, a good one (you sound like you have the financial resource to do so) and help yourself get some clarity.

I'm sorry about your car! Even sorrier about OFSTED mind you at least it's not a full on section 5 inspection.

Yep OFSTED CAN MAKE Friday calls, we got one for a Mon/Tues. ruined my weekend...another thread

Don't know why that posted in capitals

Well if nothing else the capitals well and truly told me I was wrong

I think we'd have preferred a Friday for Monday call rather than the midday for the next day one we got!

I never left the school that weekend. Slept in a sleeping bag in my classroom along with colleagues. Mad times.

Op , ive just read this whole post, can you book a holiday for a week or so ? Just get yourself away from your normal life. You sound so sad and stressed, I wish you well in whatever you decide to do, good luck and try not to be too hard on yourself.

op, have been in contact with him and given him any more money ?

You didn't?? That's crazy/awful! I hope it was worth it. I've always heard the safe by Wednesday afternoon anecdote too.

I escaped! We got weds call for Thursday/fri (was about a year ago!) I'm a HLTA not a teacher and so whereas I was due to take the class the next day whilst teacher had ppa and subject time I had an easier day!

anna sorry about OFSTED...

I think you've suspected this for a while and starting the thread is admitting it to yourself.

I think you need time to figure out what to do. It seems on one level you are committed to the ceremony of Nikha but it feels incomplete re legal and not living together. Then you've noticted the other stuff, money, time, moddy responses when you ask certain things.

If you have been living like this for a while and the situation started as looking at flats together to now not at all...I understand you can't just suddenly change your view and way you have been living.

If you need time to accept and make sense of how this persona has/is treating you and your situation then so be it. If you feel drained and 'wobbly' (I totally get this) you need to just preserve yourself enough to think it through. I wondered if there is anyone you can stay with, maybe at Easter hold when you are off work?

Im an ex teacher and I know how OFSTED can consume you a few days, so take care for now. x

I've read a lot of threads where someone has an abusive partner but isn't really sure they have. The support on those has been overwhelming and the care shown, even when the original poster doesn't come back, is amazing.

I'm sure people here would be that supportive if you just let them in a bit. Telling us we are being unfair and shouting at you is silly. We are just telling you that the situation you are in is not healthy or normal.

Love, if we could tell you that this relationship is normal and it's all silly stuff and nonsense, by christ we would.

It'd have been 10 posts max, saying, normal, nothing out of the ordinary, Yabu, get a grip.

But love this is about the most pointless relationship in the world! It will only destroy you.

You don't have LD, and whoever said that was a fool.

I'm not happy with the badgering that's gone on, but if you can see that in an on MN-way it's borne of concern for you, frustration that one of us is being hurt and treated so badly.

I know you wish we could tell you that it'll all be ok, but love it wasn't ok even in the beginning, he was pretending to be a decent person.

You've been hoodwinked, groomed and targeted. They don't go for vapid dunces with nothing about them, strong, clever, funny, popular, decent, kind and loving people are who they seek out.

All qualities they want to steal/acquire, as they don't have them themselves.

Please take the step back that you need, PM any of us that sound as though we make sense and put yourself into first place once and for all.

I can't stress enough that you won't ever regret ending this relationship.