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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What kind of relationship is this?

613 replies

annaomar · 16/03/2014 01:16

I met my DH four years ago. He is Arabic, I am English. I do love him very much and he says he loves me but I think actions speak louder than words....... We married after about 6 months. We have never lived together - I see him, always at his home 2 or 3 times a week. Saturdays I sleep at his and maybe once a month during the week. He has always been more interested in his friends than in me - I assume this is an Arab man thing. He goes out to meet them to drink tea, play billiards, smoke shisha etc. he never tells me where he goes and he gets angry if I ask. I don't entirely trust him regarding other women - I don't have evidence, just a strong feeling which he laughs at. He stays up late and sleeps late so even on our days together we rarely go anywhere or do anything together. I often think he treats me with a sort of contempt but I also feel like I've lost perspective and don't know if I'm being over sensitive. I earn more than him and give him money - although what he does with it I don't know and he gets angry if I ask him. When we are together he is very loving - he gives me lots of hugs & kisses and he is very good at spotting if I've been upset by someone or had a bad day, so he's obviously paying attention somewhere along the line. At the same time though the relationship seems to be driven by what he wants. I spend lots of time thinking I should leave but I don't want to hurt him.

OP posts:

Original poster

annaomar · 20/03/2014 15:20

I am not sure what the relevance is about whether it was Nikah or Registry Office, and I rather think that he would be damned either way- either he was cheating me into what many posters think is a "sham" marriage or he wanted a claim on half my assets. As far as I am concerned I went to a mosque and had the same ceremony that countless couples have had before. Nikah is recognised as marriage by couples, families and communities as being important - more so than any "legal" british ceremony which is secondary. many couples have Nikah only. There is a written contract and the mosque is a well known mosque used by H's neighbours and community so it wasn't secret. The ceremony was in arabic but the Imam spoke good English and explained everything that was happening. My arabic isn't brilliant but I'm sure I wasn't duped by something bogus. H gave me money and a ring as part of the marriage.

An arabic work colleague who has met H said he is Palestinian- he uses Palestinian dialect and intonation which is a big give away. Interestingly there is someone that H knows who passes himself off asPalestinian but H says is not - again it is the accent and dialect. Also remember many Palestinians were displaced and left Palestine as refugees to other parts off the Middle East . Their children are still Palestinian and quite rightly consider themselves as such even when they have arrived here as refugees from other parts of the Middle East.

OP posts:

HollyBrrr · 20/03/2014 15:26

Honestly Anna I think the cultural thing is red herring. I understand you might be feeling defensive of him - and of course of your decision to marry him - and so it's easy for everyone to focus on his religion/background etc. The truth is though that if all you had told us was that you'd married someone but that you don't live together, that he treats you with contempt and that he takes money from you then people's advice would be the same - leave/divorce him. Those are the only points that are actually pertinent, Nikah/registry office wedding or not.

Lweji · 20/03/2014 15:44

The difference is that if it's not registered legally in the UK, you can just walk away.
If it was registered, then he may claim part, even half, of your assets and you'd have to ask for a divorce.

It's not relevant for the relationship itself.
However, you have to decide if you are happy with the relationship or not. If you are happy with the current circumstances (living apart, giving him money, hardly no sex, him not even going to your place, him shouting you down) fine. It's your life.
If not, then you have to know where you stand before you decide what to do.

ravenmum · 20/03/2014 15:54

Another difference is that because the Nikah is not legally registered it is used by men who wish to have multiple partners at once. He could have a partner married under British law and several Nikah partners and it is not illegal as it is not officially bigamy. Hence the questions about whether he could have other partners you don't know about.

LoisPuddingLane · 20/03/2014 16:13

Spongeing off all of them no doubt.

Olddear · 20/03/2014 16:16

If I'm right, a nikah ceremony is not recognised in uk. You have to have a civil ceremony to be legally married. Therefore, under uk law you are not his wife. Regardless of what you feel happened in the eyes of God, or what promises you made, you are not married to him, if I'm correct in what I say re the nikah. If you're content to go along with this, then that's up to you. But, if you were happy, you wouldn't be posting.........think with your head not your heart.

PixelAteMyFace · 20/03/2014 17:01

You are aware your DH is completely at fault, regardless of the whys and the wherefores of the form your actual wedding ceremony took, you know he is short-changing you emotionally, yet you still seem very defensive of him.

If you don't like the negative comments I'm sorry, but no-one has actually been able to find anything positive about your marriage ! Perhaps you're not ready yet to face the obvious and inevitable conclusions that people are drawing from your description of your situation.

It's not nice to have your life and choices under such close scrutiny from a bunch of straight-talking strangers... but you chose to post here. If you were happy with things you wouldn't have done so.

Sometimes we have to take off our rose-tinted glasses and take a good hard look at ourselves, it's time you did this. You are enabling your DH to treat you in this strange way. Why?

Original poster

annaomar · 20/03/2014 17:07

I know very well that I am not his wife in the eyes of the law and from my observations getting married legally makes no difference to whether someone is going to have multiple partners that they spend a few days here with, a few days there with, all under the pretence of working away, going to conferences etc. we could be "legally married" and he could still have girlfriends around and about. In away that would be more hypocritical - Nikah allows for polygamy (within strict rules) whereas British marriage, especially in church ( forsaking all others etc) does not.

OP posts:

Jux · 20/03/2014 17:16

Anna, you are evading the nub of the matter, and being very defensive.

As has been said on another thread, "I am not bound to please thee with my answer".

AnyFucker · 20/03/2014 17:21

anna, do you even understand why people are pointing out that if you wanted to simply walk away, you could ?

any contact from him yet ?

Lweji · 20/03/2014 17:23

Yes, this is going round in circles.

You are not legally married in UK law.
You are not happy.
What are you going to do?

Has he contacted you? Have you stopped giving him money?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/03/2014 17:25

Anna, I imagine we all respect the importance of nikah to the muslim community, and of course you're quite right that "legal marriage" guarantees nothing in terms of fidelity

But you've already said you're not muslim; I'm pretty sure you said somewhere upthread that you weren't planning to convert, and you've certainly suggested that you went along with this ceremony because it's was important to him

Unfortunately, in your defensiveness, you no longer seem to be emphasizing what's important to you. Frankly I'm beginning to worry about brainwashing here, or whether he has some hold over you that you've not yet mentioned ...

GillTheGiraffe · 20/03/2014 17:34

Legal/Nikah - whatever. Neither form of marriage would find living away from your spouse voluntarily as acceptable.

You're trying very hard to justify this situation to yourself.

You shouldn't have to do that in a loving, committed relationship.

EirikurNoromaour · 20/03/2014 17:37

It doesn't matter what kind of marriage it is on paper, in practice it's not a marriage. So you can end it either by divorcing him islamically, or by just leaving him and forgetting the whole thing. He could divorce you islamically for abandonment if he could be arsed so it's not like you would be stopping him from having another marriage in the future.

Nanny0gg · 20/03/2014 17:40

Anna

What are you going to do?

PixelAteMyFace · 20/03/2014 18:01

Sometimes we have to take off our rose-tinted glasses and take a good hard look at ourselves, it's time you did this. You are enabling your DH to treat you in this strange way. Why?

GawjussStunningHunLoolz · 20/03/2014 18:02

from my observations getting married legally makes no difference to whether someone is going to have multiple partners that they spend a few days here with, a few days there with, all under the pretence of working away, going to conferences etc. we could be "legally married" and he could still have girlfriends around and about. In away that would be more hypocritical - Nikah allows for polygamy (within strict rules) whereas British marriage, especially in church ( forsaking all others etc) does not.

God anna just listen to yourself. You sound like you have Stockholm Syndrome. He really has done a number on you, hasn't he?

I'm struggling to understand why you bothered to start this thread TBH. It's like you don't actually want real help to understand this at all. You just want to navel-gaze and muse on all the challenging complexities of Life With Omar, with us as a rapt audience.

Thesis Title: Omar And All His Fascinating Quirks And Contradictions And How They on Impact on Me.

Subtitle: Am I up to the challenge of being loved by such a complex soul?

You may as well be standing in front of a mirror and talking to yourself for all the difference we are making.

I think perhaps you better just ring him and ask permission to go round and give him some money. You know you want to - you are addicted to being shat on.

PixelAteMyFace · 20/03/2014 18:19

You don't seem to want to be helped. Or rather, you don't seem to want to help yourself.

We haven't said that a legal, civil marriage would ensure fidelity. You don't even seem that bothered about fidelity anyway, as you accept that a nikah marriage allows polygamy. Maybe he's got three others just like you, tucked away somewhere in convenient houseshares that he never visits.

TBH I don't really care anymore, you're coming across as both defensive and complacent. I'm starting to lose the sympathy I had for you.

It's your life, you're free to throw it away on whomever you want, but don't post on MN if you can't listen to advice from impartial outsiders - after all, that's why you posted here originally isn't it, to ask for advice and opinions?

jugofwildflowers · 20/03/2014 18:25

Are you as exasperating as this in real life Anna?

You ask for advice, the responses are 100% in the same direction, yet you question if you weren't nice enough about him?!

Your original post speaks volumes. You have evaded answering how much you have been financing him but that alone speaks volumes. £150 or thereabouts x 52 weeks x 4 years = £31,200

I think you are making pedantic irrelevant comparisons between your situation and somebody whose husband is away on business trips.

Could I ask whether you view yourself as attractive as he is or would you say he is more attractive and therefore you feel lucky to have him?

Your attachment to him is painful because we can all see that he doesn't value or love you or respect you. You are grasping at cultural and religious straws to justify why he is so unfair, rude and indifferent to you.

I think you get pride from being married to a handsome chap and as you are in your 40s you may have thought you had missed the boat.

It doesn't sound as if you've had many relationships or have dc so altogether this whole situation is tragic as it's preventing you from ever finding true love.

LoisPuddingLane · 20/03/2014 18:26

And in answer to your original question: What kind of relationship is this?

I would be hard pressed really to call it a relationship. But if you insist, it's a one-sided and not very pleasant one. Put it this way, I'd rather be alone for the rest of my days than be shackled (legally or otherwise) to a man who takes money from me, insists on carrying on as a single man when he isn't, and shouts if I question anything at all about him. You can see that this is dysfunctional, surely?

Slainte · 20/03/2014 18:59

Please read, re-read and then read again BeforeandAfter's post of 18 March at 12.44, such wise words.

youarewinning · 20/03/2014 21:35

Oh anna you asked what kind of relationship this is and many people have told you. They've told you your worth so much more.

But it seems you actually don't want to know what kind of relationship this is - you actually want us to convince you it's a good one.

But it's not. And you are worth more. I really hope you see that for yourself some day soon.

Franny1977 · 20/03/2014 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GillTheGiraffe · 20/03/2014 23:29

The misuse of Arabic is the big clue. An Arab man would describe himself as such. I think that after 4 years you may have noticed that fact.

innisglas · 21/03/2014 00:16

Well, you asked a question, Anna, and you got answers.
If you are happy in your relationship, enjoy it and stop worrying about it.

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