What kind of relationship is this?

[annaomar]

I met my DH four years ago. He is Arabic, I am English. I do love him very much and he says he loves me but I think actions speak louder than words....... We married after about 6 months. We have never lived together - I see him, always at his home 2 or 3 times a week. Saturdays I sleep at his and maybe once a month during the week. He has always been more interested in his friends than in me - I assume this is an Arab man thing. He goes out to meet them to drink tea, play billiards, smoke shisha etc. he never tells me where he goes and he gets angry if I ask. I don't entirely trust him regarding other women - I don't have evidence, just a strong feeling which he laughs at. He stays up late and sleeps late so even on our days together we rarely go anywhere or do anything together. I often think he treats me with a sort of contempt but I also feel like I've lost perspective and don't know if I'm being over sensitive. I earn more than him and give him money - although what he does with it I don't know and he gets angry if I ask him. When we are together he is very loving - he gives me lots of hugs & kisses and he is very good at spotting if I've been upset by someone or had a bad day, so he's obviously paying attention somewhere along the line. At the same time though the relationship seems to be driven by what he wants. I spend lots of time thinking I should leave but I don't want to hurt him.

But Anna why didn't you keep on at him until you were living together? Doesn't make any sense.

Also you can't just say "oh yeah I am a but naive/too trusting" as an excuse. You need a rocket under your backside. I feel terrible for you and your situation but your passive acceptance of this is really irritating. If you can SEE that you're too naive as trusting why on earth aren't you doing anything about it?!

You should phone him up and say you are moving in with him. That would be interesting.

Maybe I was naive but I wanted H to feel comfortable about our relationship and Nikah was what was important for him

That's fair enough, Anna - but what about what's important to you??

I also know very many muslim couples, and most have undergone a civil ceremony to legitimise their marriage in the UK, if only to keep the admin simple; the ones who haven't are those who intended moving back to a largely muslim country in the long term

Nobody's trying to encourage acting aginst your conscience - we're simply trying to find ways of helping you to escape; if that involves using the "letter of the law" in the UK, is that really any bad thing??

I think your husband feels very comfortable in your relationship - why wouldn't he? He has everything exactly has he wants, and a sex/cash dispenser.

Anna, how you got here is the past. What matters is, now that you recognised what it is, what are you going to do about it?

Not for our benefit, mind you, but for yours.

anna - have you ever sat him down and told him how this makes you feel? not in an argument, but in a calm matter of fact way? if so, what was his response?

no one is doubting your intelligence - im certainly not - but you are very accepting of a situation which most women would simply find odd, and not tolerate. If you realise you are too trusting, etc etc then you need to work on how to become more assertive, how to speak your mind without fear. You really would benefit from counselling alone to explore what has made you feel unworthy of more than this sham marriage.

its hard because on the face of it this man is not abusive in the traditional sense - you get on well, you like each other company etc - but he is keeping you at arms length for a reason, and using you in a completely unacceptable way. Taking your money, seeing you as and when he feels like it, he isnt a partner, he isnt even fulfilling the criteria as a boyfriend let alone a husband.

can i ask a very personal question - feel free not to answer - but do you have sex? Do you sleep in the same bed? do you want children? does he? when you married did it look like you were going to have a normal life together?

you have normalised a very very abnormal situation....you are beginning to see that i think.

Yes I'd like to know if you had sex before marriage as well. It sounds nosey but I think it's relevant.

And if you used to have a great/regular sex life, when that all stopped?

Do you think that if H and I had been like this in the beginning I would have agreed to any kind of marriage?

Exactly. He has stopped trying to be what he needed to be to hook you. Box ticked, and you trotting over periodically to restock his wallet, he can be the 'real him' again.

I'm sorry if I give the impression that I have LDs of some kind. I am highly educated, to PhD level, work in a very responsible job and run a part-time business. Too trusting, too naive, too willing to see the best side of people? I put my hand up to all those things.

My love, people like this man TARGET the bright ones, the popular ones, the ones that have a good chance of making something of themselves.

The fact that you have succumbed to this is in NO WAY any reflection on you, or your intelligence. You were susceptible to him for some reason, you were prepared to overlook every single slip of his because it was important that he be the man you wanted him to be. despite the fact that he wasn't, and he can't be that person. It would help if he wanted to be, but of course that's too much effort for him to keep up.

Love, again, this is not YOUR failing. I wish that you could meet someone that appreciates you for who you are, then you'll see what you are throwing away on someone that really isn't ever going to be worth it.

dig deep. delete his numbers and email, block him and vanish from his life.

Anna what was your Islamic marriage like? Do you have a written contract, did he give you a bride gift? Usually anything you would ask for either monetary or property or jewelery and this amount or thing should be in you marriage contract.

the way a guy like this operates is very, very slowly, little by little. it's almost imperceptible until it becomes so obvious that you can't explain it away to yourself and others.

I also feel that him being forrin doesn't help. it allows us the 'excuse' of culture.

Can you tell I got the T-Shirt too?

10 years. Lost my career, my home and all my friends. cost my my entire family too. I can see what they did to keep me in that situation as it suited THEM to see me suffer. Vile people.

I ended it and have started again at 42. 3 years on I'm happier and stronger than I have ever been in my life. He's gone back 'home' and we can speak now (about DS) but don't for a second think that he hasn't tried to get back with me. I've managed to stop laughing in his face when he does it now.

Why didn't we have a "legal" ceremony? Well, I' don't know if H actually knows such things exist.

Are you actually saying these words? I'd be very, very surprised if he didn't know there is such a thing as civil marriage. You paint a picture of a vulnerable, child-man for whom you must nurture and understand and protect. He is a grown man. He is far, far, removed from this person you portray.

Darling. Were you in abusive relationships in the past ? Or are you like some many academics I know, slightly locked away in their own world, in their own research, not quite having picked up the social skills to navigate the world of sex and relationships? Because I have to query how an intelligent woman cannot see the utter wrongness of this situation.

Of course he knows there is a legal ceremony. Don't make ridiculous excuses. He knows you haven't done it and he knows that he doesn't want to do it with you.

Hello Anna, sorry, me again... I'm just curious - when you fill in forms do you tick married or single?

Does HMRC and NI/the state pension think you're married? I assume not but I'm ignorant on this point vis-à-vis the nikah. I'm just wondering, if you died, who would inherit your estate if you had no will? Your H or your family in-line with the intestacy rules. The second half of my question is not particularly relevant but I'm curious. The response to the first half of the question will be quite interesting.

My oh my op. Do you remember backthread I mentioned a poster who came on mn to justify continuing to see and wanting to live with her paedo bf even though she had dc? When put to her she must be lacking intelligence she was quick to retort she had a degree and was a teacher and that she would know instinctively if her bf was after her dds rather than her. What I am saying is sometimes the more intelligent you are, the more likely you are to live in your thoughts and perhaps your reality is as far away as what is generally regarded as common sense

I should know, I have a D Phil and was also taken in by a con artist who was v exciting and charming.

He was a pathological liar but lucky for me and his wife (we met up regularly after discovering the betrayal) I had recorded everynice thing (lie) he said and all the things we did and places we went to.

It gave me closure to go through my diary with her and have her unravel every lie he had told me.

You are more vulnerable to this type of man if you are intelligent, financially sound, loving, generous and caring.

I'm just wondering, if you died, who would inherit your estate if you had no will? Your H or your family in-line with the intestacy rules

As I understand it (somebody please correct me if I'm wrong) a Nikah performed in a mosque can be valid if the mosque has registered as a permitted venue under English law

Unfortunately hardly any do, so as has been said, a nikah otherwise performed in the UK won't be legally valid; in these circumstances it follows that the wills of the couple will be subject to the intestacy laws

I'd like to hear the OP's views on this and whether she has considered it.

What Caitlyn says is perfectly true - it's common in Arab culture to marry for reasons other than love, but whatever the reason behind the marriage, couples live together!

I still wonder if your DH is gay, perhaps he can't admit it even to himself, but it's strange that he avoids the intimacy of living with you.

Whatever the reason for his behaviour, you are wasting your life with him and you know it.

Stop treating him as some kind of all-powerful man-child who gets his own way through guile, charm and tantrums.
He probably doesn't know that civil marriage exists? Really? Come on, I can't believe that you think that, despite all your delusions.

Stop making excuses for him because of his culture and refugee status. He is not some romantic hero because of his background. He is just a man, and a manipulative one at that. Whatever he has been through in the past (and how can you know if he has told you the truth about anything?) is not a reason for him to confine you in this non-marriage where you share your money with him and he shares nothing with you. He is choosing to live like that for reasons of his own that have nothing to do with his religion or culture, as both of these encourage family life, not the parallel existence you are leading.

Step away from him now. It will be hard, as you love him. But he doesn't love you, and even if he likes you, it's apparently not a strong enough like for him to want to spend more than a few hours a week with you.

Every journey begins with the first step, and it's time you took yours now.

Even if he didn't know civil marriage existed, you knew it, anna. Maybe deep down you didn't want to make it legal in the UK (assuming the mosque didn't have a licence - that should be something for you to find out for sure).

I worked with refugees for years. They are people who know how the society they have moved to works. Probably much better than the average citizen of the country. This is because they have to know how it works so that they can claim citizenship, get a work permit, bring family members over. There is no way he does not know how legal marriage in the UK works. Even if it isn't something that he feels is relevant for him, it'll be relevant and discussed among other refugees he knows.

Ps was not saying you are foolish, just that having so many people virtually shouting at you can leave you feeling like that, IMHO .
What do you want to do, Anna?

I don't know where to start!! He won't live with you, he won't be questioned, you believe he doesn't/didn't know civil marriages existed, but I'm assuming you do, didn't you think to tell him? He's so sweet, he brings you chocolate when you have a bad day, gives you hugs, of course he does! It pays to keep in with you! Your the meal ticket!!! Tell me where you live and I'll give you chocolate for £150 a time!
Personally, I wouldn't go within 100 miles of a mosque. Why would you? You're not Muslim, you're not married, you don't need their advice. You know, he knows this whole thing you've got going on is nonsense!
You owe him nothing. Nothing. Get out now.

I wouldn't be at all surpised if he is not even Palestinian. A huge number of bogus asylum seekers claim to be Palestinian but are not. It's difficult to prove and I believe it's pretty much impossible to forcibly remove someone to Palestine.

I think this man is a liar and an opportunist through and through.