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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What kind of relationship is this?

613 replies

annaomar · 16/03/2014 01:16

I met my DH four years ago. He is Arabic, I am English. I do love him very much and he says he loves me but I think actions speak louder than words....... We married after about 6 months. We have never lived together - I see him, always at his home 2 or 3 times a week. Saturdays I sleep at his and maybe once a month during the week. He has always been more interested in his friends than in me - I assume this is an Arab man thing. He goes out to meet them to drink tea, play billiards, smoke shisha etc. he never tells me where he goes and he gets angry if I ask. I don't entirely trust him regarding other women - I don't have evidence, just a strong feeling which he laughs at. He stays up late and sleeps late so even on our days together we rarely go anywhere or do anything together. I often think he treats me with a sort of contempt but I also feel like I've lost perspective and don't know if I'm being over sensitive. I earn more than him and give him money - although what he does with it I don't know and he gets angry if I ask him. When we are together he is very loving - he gives me lots of hugs & kisses and he is very good at spotting if I've been upset by someone or had a bad day, so he's obviously paying attention somewhere along the line. At the same time though the relationship seems to be driven by what he wants. I spend lots of time thinking I should leave but I don't want to hurt him.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/03/2014 19:39

Indeed it is. Not one of the inveterate ManPleasers has ventured on here to tell you that you are wrong to cut off this man's meal ticket. That is quite a statement.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/03/2014 19:40

Anna, there's been a lot of talk about past trauma he's supposed to have suffered, but in view of his disrespect and objection to questions, I wouldn't necessarily believe it all - you already doubt his honesty, and given his closeness to someone who appears to be angling for a passport, it could all be a huge lie. There may even be a group of them, all chasing residency, all telling the same horror stories and all backing each other up with "character references"

It's understandable that muslim posters will encourage you to approach this from a faith point of view, but since you're not of this faith I'd avoid this at all costs as you'll almost certainly get tied in knots. At the end of the day you are not married to him and there's absolutely no legal reason, legally or morally, why you can't simply walk away. No children, no shared property, no cohabitation, no joint acounts, nothing. Actually, looked at that way, it could have been a lot worse; imagine the mess you'd be in now if you'd really tied your life to this waster!!!!

Caitlyn2014 · 18/03/2014 20:16

Puzzledsndpissedof, the OP doesn't have to be a Muslim to be married to a Muslim and for her marriage to be valid in the eyes of God. But regardless of that the OP believes her marriage is real in the eyes of god, even if we can see its a sham in every other respect

Im not a Muslim but have been married to an Arab Muslim, and Ive lived in the ME for 40 years. Im as much married to my husband as my Muslim children are to their Muslim spouses.

I think the point of suggesting the Op seeks advice from within the faith is to hopefully help her see that her situation is all wrong.
However, that said I would hope she chose the right kind of person to advise her and not one of the religious nutters to be found these days.

And just out of interest - how are you able to identify who's a Muslim and who isnt on this thread?

GoshAnneGorilla · 18/03/2014 20:16

Hang on, I am a Muslim poster, I have not told her to approach it from a faith point of view and the other Muslim posters have told her that there is no religious justification for his behaviour, so in other words, don't let him pull the religion card as an excuse for his behaviour.

Also Arabic is the language, Arab are the people, it's not his culture or ethnicity to blame for his appalling behaviour, it's him.

innisglas · 18/03/2014 20:19

Puzzledandpissedoff, Muslim posters here are pointing out that a lot of the stuff he has sold her about his being a devout Muslim is codwallop, as demonstrated by his treatment of his wife.
Yes it is a marriage, but not a registered or legal marriage in the eyes of the law and as she is not a Muslim, she can just walk away.

UptheChimney · 18/03/2014 20:21

H is very anti gay which I thought was an Islamic/Arab thing

Gay men in the closet are often the most active homophobics around.

Caitlyn2014 · 18/03/2014 20:25

I think we can go round and round in circles here till the cows come home. The OP is not going to do anything about her situation and sadly there's miles in it yet.

somedizzywhore1804 · 18/03/2014 20:27

I think puzzled makes a good point here. Lying, abusive men by their very nature often lie in order to gain their victims sympathy. Just because he's telling you tales of oppression and being a refugee doesn't mean it's true or all true.

Chunderella · 18/03/2014 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paulapantsdown · 18/03/2014 21:54

Oh for goodness sake woman. He is gay. You are a meal ticket to this man, nothing more.

Get some self respect will you and ditch this creep.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/03/2014 22:21

How are you able to identify who's a Muslim and who isnt on this thread?

Errr ... because some posters told us??? These are the replies I was referring to rather than every comment on the thread, but apologies if that wasn't clear

Regardless of our individual views, the fact remains that a nikah isn't legally valid as a marriage under UK law. Since Anna seems to feel some moral obligation, I feel it's worth helping her to see how many options she really does have and that she's not actually bound to this man

As Caitlyn suggested, if the OP sought religious advice there's at least a small risk that she could find herself confronted with a "nutter" - why take that risk?

ThatVikRinA22 · 18/03/2014 22:52

as soon as i read the post about his friend and him running the cafe my thoughts were
A) are you for real? not being disrespectful but you couldnt get a bigger clue, so either you are willfully not seeing reality or you are mischief making.....

B) the man is GAY. with a capital G. and so is his married business partner - he has married and had a child to get leave to stay with his real partner - who is your "husband".

you are being the female equivalent of a sugar daddy. for a gay man. who is pretending to be straight. as is his partner.

wake up. he couldnt make this clearer than if he told you he was going to retrain in hair dressing, get a piecing and discover a sudden fondness for judy garland......is he well groomed? is his flat minimalist?

he is gay. with a big capital G.
did you never suspect? really??

ThatVikRinA22 · 18/03/2014 22:54
  • most of my family are gay (uncle, both sisters, half brother).....im not dissing being gay....the above stereotypes are for demonstration purposes only....
AnyFucker · 18/03/2014 22:55

Genuine question (for my education). Is this cafe thing really a euphemism for closet homosexuality in Arab men ?

jugofwildflowers · 18/03/2014 23:11

I would not be happy at all if my dh spent all day everyday til 1am in WOMENSKNITS cafe!

Especially having to fund his pleasure too and only getting a hug, bit of choc, burnt sprout and christmas tree in return.

This would be a joke if it wasn't so tragic.

CuttedUpPear · 18/03/2014 23:16

This man has a nice little arrangement going with you providing money for him, and asking no questions.

You say he has never stayed at your home and that he is funny about you staying at his.
I'm just sorry about your lack of self esteem OP, you really have spiralled into this situation.

I also think it sounds like he is gay.

Please don't let him use you any longer.

Original poster
annaomar · 18/03/2014 23:18

Don't know where the Womensknit thing came from - it got into my post by mistake and isn't the name of the coffee shop which has a nice arabic name.

ImI not sure what the clue is that I am meant to have seen and to me this is all very real and very, very painful - definitely not something to be making mischief over.

OP posts:
jugofwildflowers · 18/03/2014 23:27

In fact Anna, why don't you go to this WOMENSKNIT cafe with your balls of wool and needles and see if you can pick up a knitting pattern, or have a cup of tea and meet some nice ladies there?

May be your dh is angry with you for asking what he does all day because he is a knitting instructor and doesn't think you'd approve?

As you see, it could all be entirely innocent, so there's no harm in checking it out is there?

By the way I did a google search of WOMENSKNIT cafe and nothing came up so I would be careful that if it is an illegal business somebody might report it to the council.

It could well be a knitting charity or community support group but then it would have to be registered.

Anna, why have you not been just the slightest bit more curious about your dh these past 4 years?

Please get yourself checked out asap and I mean that in the kindest possible way.

jugofwildflowers · 18/03/2014 23:34

It doesn't matter if it's not called WOMENSKNIT, something must be going on in there to absorb so much of his time and what pleasures of his are you funding exactly?

GoshAnneGorilla · 18/03/2014 23:35

Any - cafes are the Arab equivalent of pubs, where people drink coffee and smoke shisha. In some parts of the Arab world, only men go to them, in others you'll find men and women in there.

AnyFucker · 18/03/2014 23:37

That's what I thought. What's the link with homosexuality ? Is there one ?

ThatVikRinA22 · 18/03/2014 23:38

lovely - im sorry if i came across as hard but you need counselling. on your own.
there is a reason you are allowing this man to use you in such a terrible way and you need to find it and fix it.

counselling works. Your self esteem must be at rock bottom. You deserve more than this and you need to realise it.

BeforeAndAfter · 18/03/2014 23:51

Anna I really do think you should go to a GUM clinic to ensure your sexual health is in good order. Make sure it's one that does all the tests from the usual, chlamydia, gonorrhoea etc through to HIV - better safe than sorry. They text you negative results and you get them within a week or less. They'll give you a quick ring if anything's positive. I think it's fair to say that the majority of us who have ex-husbands who cheated have gone off to be checked out - sadly this is a well trodden path.

defuse · 18/03/2014 23:55

Hi anna,

I am a muslim and agree with others - the way he is treating you is unacceptable. The nikah is obviously very important to you, as you say, it is a marriage in the eyes of God. If you want closure, i would also contact a mosque. I could provide details of a few reliable ones, should you wish.

Stay strong, you are right to be questioning the whole set-up. Flowers

Caitlyn2014 · 19/03/2014 05:20

I know Arabs and they dont really cope very well outside of the Arab world without a pal from their own background. I suspect the bloke is just really happy to have a pal from home, and probably more so in his case as a refugee.

And coffee shops are exactly as described by Goshannegorilla - the ME equivalent of a pub. So as to whether the bloke is Gay? Who knows but for sure if going to the coffee shop with your mate is suspect then anyone who regularly goes to the pub with their mate is also suspect and must be gay.