What kind of relationship is this?

[annaomar]

I met my DH four years ago. He is Arabic, I am English. I do love him very much and he says he loves me but I think actions speak louder than words....... We married after about 6 months. We have never lived together - I see him, always at his home 2 or 3 times a week. Saturdays I sleep at his and maybe once a month during the week. He has always been more interested in his friends than in me - I assume this is an Arab man thing. He goes out to meet them to drink tea, play billiards, smoke shisha etc. he never tells me where he goes and he gets angry if I ask. I don't entirely trust him regarding other women - I don't have evidence, just a strong feeling which he laughs at. He stays up late and sleeps late so even on our days together we rarely go anywhere or do anything together. I often think he treats me with a sort of contempt but I also feel like I've lost perspective and don't know if I'm being over sensitive. I earn more than him and give him money - although what he does with it I don't know and he gets angry if I ask him. When we are together he is very loving - he gives me lots of hugs & kisses and he is very good at spotting if I've been upset by someone or had a bad day, so he's obviously paying attention somewhere along the line. At the same time though the relationship seems to be driven by what he wants. I spend lots of time thinking I should leave but I don't want to hurt him.

Well shall we prepare some answers?

You could say you've been thinking about things; about your relationship. You could tell him you aren't happy as things are.

That's good about not giving him money.

You could tell him what you want from the relationship: a proper marriage that you can be open about, and to live together. His reaction will be your cue. If he goes off on one (likely), you can say that it isn't working out for you.

Does he call you and ask you to go over in the evenings when he always wants sex? Or does he ever call you just for your company and not want sex?

How often have you been giving him money ? When will he expect some more ? He will call when he needs cash, won't he ?

Be ready like Lois said. he will act all confused and hurt. then he will get angry.

All you need to say is that you have been thinking about the situation and you have decided things have to change. No more money. No more crumbs from his table. It's a start on a path to freedom. Ask him to leave you alone while you decide how you want to spend the rest of your life. Don't go see him on Saturday.

What's that other Mumsnet thing?

No is a full sentence.

If he invites you over, just say no.

I have read this thread with great sadness. I really hope that you find the strength to get away from this horrible man. I know you don't think he is horrible, but as another mumsnetter said "When someone tells you who they are, believe them." His actions are telling you exactly who he really is.

My husband's ex-wife fell for a similar scam. She had the religious marriage and believed that she was married, he had "a job on a market" which took him away during the week. He had another "wife" from the same country/background as himself, and was just using the British woman for money, sex and a passport. She had actually also been scammed by her previous "boyfriend" who promised her marriage, and who turned out to be here on a false passport - he was deported when she had to call the police when his sneering turned to actual violence.

Anna it sounds like you are taking MN's words on board and thinking about what is good and healthy for you. I imagine it's been really hard coming this far since you posted and the posts have been brutal for you to read.

Don't throw everything away when he contacts you and switch to your default mode of wanting to please him. Think long and hard about what you REALLY want and plan your response.

Deep down are you hoping that he won't contact you so that you don't have to make a decision and the relationship is quietly over? If so, when he does contact you then you will just have to tell him that your relationship no longer fulfils you and you won't be seeing him anymore. I'm sure he will throw his toys out of the pram because £150 a week is disappearing before his eyes but you will just need to put the phone down, delete his number and then apply some serious willpower for a few weeks and not contact him. Every time you want to contact him post here. Do you have a friend/sibling in RL that you can confide in? If so you can ring your friend whenever you are tempted to contact him.

If, in all honesty, you actually want to raise a family with this man and live as man and wife in the same house (and I can't see how he would be anything but toxic as a father) then you need to tell him that and be prepared for him to sever the relationship because I just don't see that that is what he wants.

Either way, think through his potential responses and try and plan your response to it; you're more likely to be successful that way. If he threatens suicide I wouldn't worry too much about that, he's far too self-entitled to go down that route.

you remind me of those poor frogs that are put in warm water.. and slowly boiled to death. You have been in this "relationship" for so long that you consider it normal and are grateful for any small scraps he decides to throw your way.

But honestly, in a normal marriage, your husband will still listen to you if you had a hard day at work. He will also share his life with you, include you in his life and won't shout when you dare to ask where he spends his evenings.

Of course he will act all nice. But as others have said, just tell him that you want to live together, spend most of the time together and get married legally, and now, not some vague time in the future. For some reason, I don't think he will rush over to help you move..

He certainly doesn't just call me over if he wants sex! And before he started this cafe with his friend I saw him everyday - except that he would go out for a couple of hours and be quite unpleasant if I asked where he was going or when he'd be back. He has always been a bit funny about me sleeping over though. When his friend came back from Scotland things changed completely. Now he goes to theWOMENSKNITS cafe every day except Sunday and stays until about 1 am when it closes. It's like he doesn't have time at all for me now and I have thought before that his friend only has to whistle and he goes running.

Aaahh.......

When he calls it is to say hello , I miss you, how are you.

If he thinks you're serious, he will make promises, lots of promises. He won't keep them. There will be reasons which will mean he can't do whatever it is now but it'll be OK in a month or a fortnight. Wait, be patient. That's what he'll say.

Don't wait. Don't be patient.

Well, obviously. He won't call you to say come over for sex.

I can't believe I am saying this to a group of strangers but we don't have sex that often really -

Are you sure he's not gay? Which is one of the very first things that was asked on this thread?

I tell you what, why don't you splash out on a privat detective? Or just start following him yourself, at night when he's not expecting you?

It might prove to be money or time well spent. In fact I am sure it will be.

Be prepared for him to bombard you with calls if he feels he is being rejected by you or if you stop his allowance. He is so used to everything being on his terms and treating you so badly that it has become normal for both of you.

Be prepared for him to make you weak at the knees, turn on the charm, and if that doesn't work get angry and aggressive with you.

Start to keep a journal and write everything down just in case he gets nasty as you know he can be. Or you can write it down here, whatever you do, keep it open, do not allow him to weaken you. You know he will try.

Stand up for yourself. Do not get bullied by him anymore. Tell him you have been researching Islam and what he is doing is dishonorable (if he upsets you and you don't know what else to say.)

Whatever you do, keep yourself safe.

Ask him for the money back and ask him for money (turn the tables and see how he reacts). Say you need the money to go on a course or something/help out your parents as they have been conned.

I think reverse psychology would work quite well here op, be brave.

Write out/record a few scenarios/ in front of the mirror to prepare yourself.

Good luck! You have all these mumsnetters on your side op, you have to take control of your situation. You can do it!!

I agree a bit of detective work...
As I mentioned, my ex h was asylum, then got permission to stay. He gave, and still gives, me all the 'you have broken my life' guilt trips. I think I did feel that I was abandoning him as he had no other family here, and I excused a lot of his behaviour because of things he told me he had experienced in a war torn an un democratic Arabic society. I felt that by leaving him I was adding to his torture.
Then I gradually realised that he has chosen his situation he is adept at manipulating people, he is charming and sincere and that's how it gets you. As one poster on MN once said, if abusive men came along, twiddling their moustache and dressed as the villain in the cape, then we could see that, but in reality there is something appealing and full of potential..
That's all it is though, Anna, and it's not even potential as he is clearly voting with his feet. We all have potential, but it's nothing until it becomes real.
I remember the frustration and incredulous posts I got from some people on MN when I posted...but it was right. That voice telling you that we could all have it wrong, that maybe you haven't put enough of his good points, that is your addictive voice talking, the part of you that is addicted. And as someone said, just like drugs, the lows are low, so the crumbs he throws to you feel euphoric, plunge you back in the cycle and keep you coming back for more.
My guess is you won't just walk, and need proof that he is taking the [email protected] also think that once he starts to get angry, you will sink back into victim mode (happened to me, still does a bit) so get prepared...if you want a real relationship with a loving person in the future.
He might give you bits, but that's all he is prepared to offer. And if he is a damaged man, you can't love him back to health.

Is the friend he's running the cafe with his boyfriend? You say that everything changed when this friend came along, and he doesn't have much time for you now.

Before, when you saw him every day, he used to go out for a couple of hours and react angrily if you questioned him.

You don't often have sex.

Sorry, but I think it sounds as though he's gay. Hence his total lack of commitment to your relationship, the fact that he wants his own space, is "funny" about you spending the night.

When he can no longer cope with a relationship with a woman, he severs all contact and disappears...

Can't you hear the alarm bells ringing, OP?

This is one of the saddest threads I have ever read on MN.
Anna, please stop being an ostrich. Tell Omar to jog on.

His friend is married and his wife has just had a baby - although as far as I can make out he hasn't got a passport etc and I am of the opinion ...., well I don't need to say, do I. As far as I can make out the cafe etc is all in H's name because of the same reasons. But those are only things I second guess from the tiny scraps of info I get.

I thought about a private detective before but sort of thought that if you don't trust someone enough that you'd get a detective to spy on them, what's the point of your relationship? I guess there is stuff I'd like to know, just to satisfy my own curiosity.....

H is very anti gay which I thought was an Islamic/Arab thing.

anna it may be worth your while asking for advice on this website

www.tunisianloverats.com

Although it is predominantly for relationships with Tunisian men, the women on there have a wealth of experience with all sorts of relationships with Arabic men. They will be able to shine even more light on what is happening.

Take care.

When he contacts you next time, he will be looking for his 150 pounds. Say no, you can't afford it for the next couple of months. Make up some reason that sounds plausible. See how he reacts. If he is your lving husband, he won't react badly, right? You will find out pretty fast what he really thinks of you.

If you find it hard to just walk away, then make the money an issue you can test out the relationship with. Don't feel sorry for him because he is a poor refugee with no money. He has a passport and a job, doesn't he? He can pay his own way.

Your observation is spot on Anna: what's the point of a relationship if you need to hire a private detective? In all honesty though you don't have a relationship... not one that most people would find acceptable. But, let's say you do hire a detective...

You find out that he is gambling, or drinking, or whoring, or visiting his real wife, or hooking up with his mate for gay sex, or going to a gay bar, or strip joint or ... I've run out scenarios that might cause him to be narky if you quiz him but you get my drift. If he were off to the mosque to help the homeless and poor, or volunteering at a charity, or working an additional job to pay his way, or anything else that's above board and decent why would he be snappy when you ask where he's going?

You don't need to hide behind the excuse of thinking about hiring a detective, looking for a detective, actually choosing one and hiring one to delay any decision. You've already started detaching by not texting etc. Just stay on that course. The hardest thing will be telling him there's no more money. Focus on what you know: he throws you crumbs, takes your money and is abusive. Do you really need to pay a detective to tell you that? You've got the vipers' nest here on MN doing that in chorus. Do you know, this is one of the very rare threads where every poster agrees. No-one's come on and said, oh poor H, can't you see it from his POV? That's very telling you know.