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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL sabotage comes to a head...

469 replies

ewrocks · 10/03/2014 14:06

Hi there - I was wondering if anyone on mumsnet could give me some advice? Myself, my DH and our three children are currently living with my MIL at the moment and have been since October, when my DH was made redundant and we had to give up our rental flat as we could no longer afford to pay the rent. It was decided between MIL and DH that we would come and live with her for a couple of years, whilst we look for work and then, once we have jobs, save for a deposit so that we can buy a house this time. A very kind offer; I had my reservations but because I've always gotten on with MIL (or so I thought), we couldn't really turn it down unless we were to go on benefits instead, which neither of us wanted to do.

So we moved in. It's a bit cramped: MIL has the front double bedroom to herself, DS's (aged 5 and 3) are on bunkbeds in the box room and me, DH and our 1 year old DD are in the back double room. There is only one small bathroom. But however uncomfortable, I am massively grateful for this opportunity. Our kids are very good (we are bloody lucky) and don't cause much fuss. MIL loves them.

DH was out of work until last month, which was very difficult but is now doing well in an even better paid job, thank God. I am a SAHM, as my youngest two kids aren't at school yet but I am currently looking for part time evening/weekend work to boost our income. No joy yet. We have no savings left, as they went on paying our last month of rent and we also gave the rest to MIL for keep. But DH is now earning again and is starting to put some away. I do the vast majority of housework during the day and we all take turns to do the cooking, as it is a hobby of all of ours. I still do the lion's share, I would say.

I always got on with MIL and I thought she liked me but lately she has been doing and saying things that seem like sabotage and indicate that she actually, secretly hates my guts! At first it was little snide comments about my weight, or lack of ambition (she works, I haven't since our second was born). There have been a few goldigger-esq comments as well.
I let these go, as I thought me living in her home her must be grating on her nerves a bit.

But then she started playing games with food. For example, on her nights to cook, she serves everyone else's dishes up first and then leaves mine in the pot/oven and tells me to help myself. She barely leaves half a portion! I'm not kidding when I say on some nights, I'm eating the same amount of dinner as our 1 year old! She'll serve up the DC's and put DH's on a plate in the microwave (as some evenings, he doesn't get back until just after dinner time). On the evenings when I cook, she makes faces and pushes her food around her plate before eating maybe one mouthful and then "fake heaving" and spiting it out in the sink. She'll give the rest of the dinner to her dog and make herself a sandwich or a ready meal. Okay so she might not like my cooking, but it can't be that bad EVERY TIME! She doesn't do this if DH is there for dinner though. If he cooks, he gets heaps of praise for his culinary skills! Hmm

She has repeatedly put peanuts in my eldest's packed lunch despite knowing it is not allowed at his school, due to other children's allergies (I have been pulled up 3 times for this). I also think she is rooting through my stuff when I'm not there (no proof, just a hunch as everything seems misplaced). A pair of my shoes have gone missing, as has a cardigan and a bra. I also found my pillow in the dog's basket one evening. She claimed that the dog must have pulled it downstairs and put it in there herself. (The dog is a westie and pretty small). Hmm

She is also doing this weird thing to my wing mirror every morning: basically, we're living on a very busy road and we have to park our cars on the roadside. You have to pull in your wing mirrors after you've parked up, or there's a very good chance that a car or bus will knock it off. I always wake up to take my son to school and find that my wing mirror has been pulled out again, despite KNOWING that I pulled it in the previous day. So about a week ago, I watched out the window as she left for work (she leaves before me and the kids and DH leaves before all of us) and I SAW her doing it. I caught her doing it the day after and also this morning as well. It is definitely her and it is definitely deliberate. I think she is hoping it will get knocked off? (So far it hasn't, thank goodness).

But worst of all, this morning I went to brush my teeth and the stench of PISS coming off my toothbrush (before I used it, I hasten to add) was absolutely putrid - even when I'd already put the toothpaste on. I just know that she's rubbed it in the toilet after she's used it (or even urinated on it like a pregnancy test - who knows)?! I have no proof of this one, but honestly, it's got to be her with all the other stuff hasn't it? This is beyond a joke - how can anyone be so disgusting and spiteful? I've never been anything but nice to her and she's really freaking me out now. She clearly hates me but why not just be honest about it? DH will never believe half this stuff is going on (although I filmed her doing the wing mirror on my phone this morning and I have saved the toothbrush to show him). But he generally thinks the sun shines out of her arse. And I have nowhere else to go. What the hell am I gonna do here?! Sad

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 11/03/2014 07:31

Hope you got some sleep.

I wouldn't tell MIL (or children) about leaving until you are actually packing or in the children case if you can have your sister look after them for a couple of days while you are packing and have moved in.

I think you also need to remember your DH has had a lifetime of believing what his mum has said/saying is true.

I hope you can find somewhere to live by the weekend, but the reality is that you may have to stay where you are for a couple of weeks until you find somewhere you like and can afford, and for all the checks to be done.

shemademedoit · 11/03/2014 07:31

Goodness. How awful. Glad your DH is with you on this. On another note, I'd be inclined to do the same to her tooth brush, and when challenged on it, deny all knowledge, because noone could ever do something so disgusting to another person....

Hissy · 11/03/2014 07:33

Sounds just about as good as it can be!

I gasped at your son's comment!

I dare say your H didn't tell you as he'd have to tell you what she said about you, and that'd have hurt your feelings.

If your DS is anything like mine, he'll have forgotten hearing that soon enough.

It won't have tainted his feelings for you, but if it were to have carried on, it certainly would do.

Make no mistake, she will stop at nothing to oust you and claim her DS and your DC. You are wise to disallow her further future access, she's too poisonous.

shemademedoit · 11/03/2014 07:34

Obviously do the toothbrush thing as you're leaving though!

shemademedoit · 11/03/2014 07:35

And if she'll do that to your toothbrush, I wouldn't be to keen on eating the food she's prepared for you either. Hmm

GingerRodgers · 11/03/2014 07:38

Hope you manage to find a new rental as soon as possible op.

Purplehonesty · 11/03/2014 07:41

Hope you manage to get a flat ASAP op what a horrid situation to find yourselves in.
I wonder what on earth she is doing, what age is she, is it likely to be a mental illness or early onset dementia? Either that or she is plain evil!

MyGastIsFlabbered · 11/03/2014 07:44

Crossing my fingers that you find a rental soon.

God I thought my MIL was bad but she looks angelic compared to yours, so sorry you're going through this.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 11/03/2014 07:46

OMG , I thought my mil was bad! Hope this all turns out ok Flowers

TerribleHumanBeing · 11/03/2014 07:49

Gosh, it's just like a fairy tale, complete with wicked witch. Glad it had a happy ending.

CoffeeTea103 · 11/03/2014 07:52

Wow good on your DH for taking his head out of the sand when it matters the most! Best of luck to you, once you're all out of there it will be great.a happy ending Smile

Meerka · 11/03/2014 07:52

I was thinking about you in the insomniac hours in the night - SO pleased to read this update. So pleased. As someone said, thank heavens (in a backhanded way) that your son came out with that comment so that your husband had some idea of what was coming. I can sort of see why he did not challenge her over the awful comment that first time too, what a nightmare to face that his mother is, well, not the loving woman he thought.

I do think that as chasedbybees says, this woman is too dangerous to be around your children. Sadly. Whatever the reason, dementia or previously-hidden nasty personality, she is subtle and viciously nasty and people like that can do a lot of damage to young psyches. If your husband chooses to keep some contact with her then the children could not be left alone with her.

Having said that, it may be possible to explain to them that the nasty comments are becuase granny is getting ill and doesnt always know what she's saying. It may or may not be true, but it's a good explanation for young ones.

It would be really nice to hear after the weekend that you're safely out of that house, if you can =) all the best ewrocks. again, so pleased your husband was immediately on your side!

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 11/03/2014 07:55

As I left I would hand her my toothbrush saying, 'Here, you may need this next time you want to piss' . Mentalist - total! Cut her out, the cow.

Imwoodword · 11/03/2014 07:57

Your DH sounds fab. I imagine keeping his father getting in touch secret was maybe so he didn't have to think/talk about it? As you say, it's a big thing for him.

Good luck with letting agents today!

Quinteszilla · 11/03/2014 07:59

Such a relief that dh is taking you seriously. Poor you, all of you. Flowers

Longdistance · 11/03/2014 08:02

Just read your whole entire post, and am utterly Shock for you.

Good that your dh has taken everything on board and it's all seemed to come together like a jigsaw puzzle.

You write so brilliantly, I wouldn't think about getting a part time job, I'd write a book if I were you about this, think you'd make a mint.

Good luck with your move Flowers hope you're all out of there quick sharp. I hope it works out for your dh and his df :)

IceNoSlice · 11/03/2014 08:04

No words! I actually fear for you a little here, OP. I agree with shemademedoit - I don't think you should trust the meals she has made for you. Especially with her plating up shenanigans.

One thing though - it doesn't sound to me like she'd harm the DCs to get at you. Well, beyond the damage comments like the 'whore' one could do. I think she wants to win them to her side - I agree that she sees you as the OW. But I doubt she'll piss on their stuff or mess with their food. To be on the safe side, I'm not sure I'd want them to be alone with her.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry you've got this to deal with. Hope you find somewhere to move to soon.

Dillydollydaydream · 11/03/2014 08:06

Glad your dh is on your side and you're leaving mils. Good luck.

Innermagic · 11/03/2014 08:06

Poor you, so glad your DH is fully supportive, how sad that your DCS only grandmother is an old witch.

Fifyfomum · 11/03/2014 08:09

Please update OP, I am looking forward to you telling us all you have a decent rental in a place all of your own and don't have to worry about someone trying to harm you etc.

Good luck

roadwalker · 11/03/2014 08:12

Yes OP please update
I would love to hear you are living in your own place, and if you confronted her

ExcuseTypos · 11/03/2014 08:15

Oh my word. She sounds unhinged.

How are you going to tell her you're moving? I'd make sure your dh does it.

EauRouge · 11/03/2014 08:16

Bloody hell! Shock Glad you're getting out of there. Your DH sounds ace, he must take after his dad.

pluCaChange · 11/03/2014 08:32

Fucking hell, any sympathy I may have had for an overcrowded grandmother regretting her offer to your family and repressing her frustration as it mounts to irrational fury (if the piss on the toothbush stank that much, there's no way you would have used it by accident, and poison in your separate food probably hasn't happened yet or youhopefully would have noticed!) is gone, gone gone.

Whether the campaign is motivated by selfishness or the breakdown of inhibitions/social sense of dementia, she's an emotional, possibly physical and aleo financial (think of letting the wing mirror be broken and damaging your things while blaming the dog Hmm), danger to you all. I hope you sirt out a move quickly. Smile

beckslovestimmy · 11/03/2014 08:32

Hope you get your own place soon and get away from this poisonous woman.