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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL sabotage comes to a head...

469 replies

ewrocks · 10/03/2014 14:06

Hi there - I was wondering if anyone on mumsnet could give me some advice? Myself, my DH and our three children are currently living with my MIL at the moment and have been since October, when my DH was made redundant and we had to give up our rental flat as we could no longer afford to pay the rent. It was decided between MIL and DH that we would come and live with her for a couple of years, whilst we look for work and then, once we have jobs, save for a deposit so that we can buy a house this time. A very kind offer; I had my reservations but because I've always gotten on with MIL (or so I thought), we couldn't really turn it down unless we were to go on benefits instead, which neither of us wanted to do.

So we moved in. It's a bit cramped: MIL has the front double bedroom to herself, DS's (aged 5 and 3) are on bunkbeds in the box room and me, DH and our 1 year old DD are in the back double room. There is only one small bathroom. But however uncomfortable, I am massively grateful for this opportunity. Our kids are very good (we are bloody lucky) and don't cause much fuss. MIL loves them.

DH was out of work until last month, which was very difficult but is now doing well in an even better paid job, thank God. I am a SAHM, as my youngest two kids aren't at school yet but I am currently looking for part time evening/weekend work to boost our income. No joy yet. We have no savings left, as they went on paying our last month of rent and we also gave the rest to MIL for keep. But DH is now earning again and is starting to put some away. I do the vast majority of housework during the day and we all take turns to do the cooking, as it is a hobby of all of ours. I still do the lion's share, I would say.

I always got on with MIL and I thought she liked me but lately she has been doing and saying things that seem like sabotage and indicate that she actually, secretly hates my guts! At first it was little snide comments about my weight, or lack of ambition (she works, I haven't since our second was born). There have been a few goldigger-esq comments as well.
I let these go, as I thought me living in her home her must be grating on her nerves a bit.

But then she started playing games with food. For example, on her nights to cook, she serves everyone else's dishes up first and then leaves mine in the pot/oven and tells me to help myself. She barely leaves half a portion! I'm not kidding when I say on some nights, I'm eating the same amount of dinner as our 1 year old! She'll serve up the DC's and put DH's on a plate in the microwave (as some evenings, he doesn't get back until just after dinner time). On the evenings when I cook, she makes faces and pushes her food around her plate before eating maybe one mouthful and then "fake heaving" and spiting it out in the sink. She'll give the rest of the dinner to her dog and make herself a sandwich or a ready meal. Okay so she might not like my cooking, but it can't be that bad EVERY TIME! She doesn't do this if DH is there for dinner though. If he cooks, he gets heaps of praise for his culinary skills! Hmm

She has repeatedly put peanuts in my eldest's packed lunch despite knowing it is not allowed at his school, due to other children's allergies (I have been pulled up 3 times for this). I also think she is rooting through my stuff when I'm not there (no proof, just a hunch as everything seems misplaced). A pair of my shoes have gone missing, as has a cardigan and a bra. I also found my pillow in the dog's basket one evening. She claimed that the dog must have pulled it downstairs and put it in there herself. (The dog is a westie and pretty small). Hmm

She is also doing this weird thing to my wing mirror every morning: basically, we're living on a very busy road and we have to park our cars on the roadside. You have to pull in your wing mirrors after you've parked up, or there's a very good chance that a car or bus will knock it off. I always wake up to take my son to school and find that my wing mirror has been pulled out again, despite KNOWING that I pulled it in the previous day. So about a week ago, I watched out the window as she left for work (she leaves before me and the kids and DH leaves before all of us) and I SAW her doing it. I caught her doing it the day after and also this morning as well. It is definitely her and it is definitely deliberate. I think she is hoping it will get knocked off? (So far it hasn't, thank goodness).

But worst of all, this morning I went to brush my teeth and the stench of PISS coming off my toothbrush (before I used it, I hasten to add) was absolutely putrid - even when I'd already put the toothpaste on. I just know that she's rubbed it in the toilet after she's used it (or even urinated on it like a pregnancy test - who knows)?! I have no proof of this one, but honestly, it's got to be her with all the other stuff hasn't it? This is beyond a joke - how can anyone be so disgusting and spiteful? I've never been anything but nice to her and she's really freaking me out now. She clearly hates me but why not just be honest about it? DH will never believe half this stuff is going on (although I filmed her doing the wing mirror on my phone this morning and I have saved the toothbrush to show him). But he generally thinks the sun shines out of her arse. And I have nowhere else to go. What the hell am I gonna do here?! Sad

OP posts:
YokoUhOh · 11/03/2014 00:27

She said what to your son? Thank God this is coming to an end very soon, OP, and well done to you and DH for sticking together and supporting each other. Enjoy your new place, and cut this complete mentalist out of your life for ever. Flowers

BOFtastic · 11/03/2014 00:32

What an amazing story- so glad it all worked out in the end Smile

KoalaFace · 11/03/2014 00:34

Thank goodness he's on side. I hope he's seen what a massive mistake it was not to tackle the 'whore' situation head on Angry. Poor DS having to listen to that poison!

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 11/03/2014 00:35

Holee crap, OP.

Good luck with the move. You guys need a script to tell your MIL, by the way - have you thought about whether you're going to confront her, or just say we need our space, bye? Is your husband thinking that he'll stay close to her, or cut her off?

Monty27 · 11/03/2014 00:35

Phew what a relief you're getting out and you and dh are singing the same song :o

Good luck OP and family :)

ewrocks · 11/03/2014 01:00

I am all over the place to be honest. One minute I'm relieved that he's been so supportive and decent and the next minute I'm livid that he's lied so much by omission and is so people pleasing (like me) that he hasn't acted on this yet. But then I guess, neither had I until now. It must be devastating for him really - it is his mum after all and nobody wants their family to be at war. He's already, essentially got no dad and now looks on the way to losing his mum too. I mean, neither of my parents are around either, both are dead. But I had a happy childhood for the most part and my folks never went in for this kind of crap. I do feel so, so sorry for DH.

I'm also very concerned about DS1 after that little gem came out. What other derogatory shit has he had to hear about his mother?! Poor kid - he's only in year 1 and he's a lovely, gentle soul (like DH) - I hope he keeps no memories of this time. Sad

At the moment, I want no more contact with MIL after we're out of here. I have also told DH that I would rather the kids saw no more of her either. He said that it looks as though it might well go that way and that it all very much depends on her reaction, as he plans to confront her about this. (But only after we are safely living elsewhere). I think she needs help, but more and more little digs she's made are resurfacing in my memory and I am just too seething to think straight at the moment. Gonna sleep on it for now but will update when I can. Night all! Thanks

OP posts:
sykadelic · 11/03/2014 01:45

I understand why your husband was keeping the dad stuff secret. Maybe he didn't want to feel pressured. The "whore" thing I understand too.

Sadly it's almost good in a way your DS said that to your DH. It made it so HE knew there was a problem and more open to believing you.

You'll feel so much better when you're out. Good on you and DH for finding a way so soon!

I wonder if maybe you could set up a camera in your room to record her if she comes in? I'd also box all your personal belongings and keep the stuff you might need in the boot of you car... changes of clothes etc.

Chloerose75 · 11/03/2014 02:24

Glad your DH is being supportive and hope you will be out of there soon! Definitely the worst mil I've ever heard of on mn by miles, bloody hell

MiscellaneousAssortment · 11/03/2014 02:30

Good lord!!!

I'm so glad your dh has taken it seriously and sensibly, that's surprisingly rare!

AcrossthePond55 · 11/03/2014 02:58

Oh thank Heaven your DH came down on your side! I agree w/PPs who have said to basically watch your back, keep silent, & GTFO. Then, when you're all cleanly out, I think that BOTH of you should confront MiL, together. So that you are there to refute what she is bound to say about you and she can see that DH backs you up!

You may very well have to go NC with MiL, but if you do decide to maintain some sort of contact, I'd certainly NEVER allow my DCs to be alone with her!

And I hope DH at least gives his father a chance to explain his side.

DaleyBump · 11/03/2014 03:15

Oh wow Shock glad you're on the same page OP, hopefully things look up for you soon Flowers

GiraffesAndButterflies · 11/03/2014 03:50

Thank goodness your DS repeated that comment!!

Am Shock at this thread but really glad your DH believed you and is in agreement that you have to move. Hope you find somewhere nice.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 11/03/2014 04:19

Oh my goodness. Suspect you are right, FIL probably does have a few things to say. My Brother has gone NC with my Dad after my Mum dripped poison about him for years. Her lies have recently come to light and the fallout is pretty tough for me, Brother and Dad. You're right, this will be hard for your DH but maybe in time he could reconcile with his Dad. I guess he hasn't mentioned it as the whole thing has done his head in and by not talking about it, he can put on hold in his head till he is ready to deal with the whole difficult situation.

That's for the future though. The important thing right now is for you to all get out of there so fingers crossed you find somewhere very soon. Your sister sounds great and how lovely that your DH values her opinion.

The final thing is when you are settled in your new home and the dust settled is to consider whether your MIL is bitter and nasty or possible mentally unwell. My Mother has Dementia and been only diagnosed for a year but clearly not right for at least 15 years looking back. Personality changes were the first sign, though in her case it seems that existing nasty character traits of lying and manipulation that she clearly has always had were exacerbated, after TIA's going back a number of years.

Good luck with the house hunting and wishing you happiness in your new home with your lovely children and DH Flowers

Lj8893 · 11/03/2014 04:43

Wow! What a nutter!!!

I'm glad you have your dhs full support, good luck on finding a new home Thanks

ChasedByBees · 11/03/2014 06:11

I'm so glad your DH has taken this seriously but I don't think no contact with your children should be reliant on her reaction. What she's done already has been beyond vile and damaging to your children. I think she's actually being abusive to them by saying such things about their mother.

Do you really have to stay there this week? Are there no other options? Even a few more days sounds untenable, I would really worry about why she'll do to you.

Morgause · 11/03/2014 06:14

So glad your DH is being so supportive. I hope you find somewhere nice.

Not making any excuses for MiL but my friend's father began to behave in a similar way a few years ago and it emerged that he was in the early stages of a form of dementia.

dinkystinky · 11/03/2014 06:19

Thank heavens for your dh being so supportive. Good luck with the flat hunt today. Move out and cut all contact (both you and the kids) and enjoy your lovely family

myroomisatip · 11/03/2014 06:37

I hope you manage to find the perfect place to move into and quickly!

Well done I am so happy that you and your DH are in agreement over this.

WeAreDetective · 11/03/2014 06:40

Wow! So brilliant to have the support from DH. When do you pack??!!

diddl · 11/03/2014 06:45

Hope that you are all out of there soon.

Flossiechops · 11/03/2014 06:56

Bloody hell what a loon - poor you!

Gettingmeback · 11/03/2014 07:14

Just read the thread. Shock really unhinged. She wanted her son back under her roof and you've become the OW Confused Creepy stuff. I can understand why your DH hasn't told you a lot of stuff. Mine is similar, uses the head in the sand approach and gets in trouble by me all the time but he never intends to cause hurt. I bet you're spot on about FIL. He probably barely escaped with his sanity intact. I agree with others, any contact with your DCs doesn't really depend on what she says, it's up to you both. She couldn't be trusted to be unsupervised with them. And even then after what she said, you are not going to feel the need to foster any relationship between them. Likely she will deny it or blame you in some way.

50shadesofknackered · 11/03/2014 07:21

What a relief thY your dh is being supportive and you are getting out of there asap, she sounds like a maniac.

HypodeemicNerdle · 11/03/2014 07:26

Yey ewrocks DH, good on him for being so supportive to you. I hope you can quickly find somewhere much nicer to live.

And keep your toothbrush hidden until you go

Funnyfoot · 11/03/2014 07:30

Thank you for the update OP. I was worried the chat with DH could have gone the other way.

Your MIL maybe ill but I doubt it. I think she is just bitter and twisted. Some people just are like that.
You just need to get through the next few days then you can move out.

Will you be having contact with MIL once you move?

Also I would be very tempted to whisper in the evil cows ear that you and DH know what she's done and he's on your side. Petty I know but after how she has treated you it's the least she deserves.