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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL sabotage comes to a head...

469 replies

ewrocks · 10/03/2014 14:06

Hi there - I was wondering if anyone on mumsnet could give me some advice? Myself, my DH and our three children are currently living with my MIL at the moment and have been since October, when my DH was made redundant and we had to give up our rental flat as we could no longer afford to pay the rent. It was decided between MIL and DH that we would come and live with her for a couple of years, whilst we look for work and then, once we have jobs, save for a deposit so that we can buy a house this time. A very kind offer; I had my reservations but because I've always gotten on with MIL (or so I thought), we couldn't really turn it down unless we were to go on benefits instead, which neither of us wanted to do.

So we moved in. It's a bit cramped: MIL has the front double bedroom to herself, DS's (aged 5 and 3) are on bunkbeds in the box room and me, DH and our 1 year old DD are in the back double room. There is only one small bathroom. But however uncomfortable, I am massively grateful for this opportunity. Our kids are very good (we are bloody lucky) and don't cause much fuss. MIL loves them.

DH was out of work until last month, which was very difficult but is now doing well in an even better paid job, thank God. I am a SAHM, as my youngest two kids aren't at school yet but I am currently looking for part time evening/weekend work to boost our income. No joy yet. We have no savings left, as they went on paying our last month of rent and we also gave the rest to MIL for keep. But DH is now earning again and is starting to put some away. I do the vast majority of housework during the day and we all take turns to do the cooking, as it is a hobby of all of ours. I still do the lion's share, I would say.

I always got on with MIL and I thought she liked me but lately she has been doing and saying things that seem like sabotage and indicate that she actually, secretly hates my guts! At first it was little snide comments about my weight, or lack of ambition (she works, I haven't since our second was born). There have been a few goldigger-esq comments as well.
I let these go, as I thought me living in her home her must be grating on her nerves a bit.

But then she started playing games with food. For example, on her nights to cook, she serves everyone else's dishes up first and then leaves mine in the pot/oven and tells me to help myself. She barely leaves half a portion! I'm not kidding when I say on some nights, I'm eating the same amount of dinner as our 1 year old! She'll serve up the DC's and put DH's on a plate in the microwave (as some evenings, he doesn't get back until just after dinner time). On the evenings when I cook, she makes faces and pushes her food around her plate before eating maybe one mouthful and then "fake heaving" and spiting it out in the sink. She'll give the rest of the dinner to her dog and make herself a sandwich or a ready meal. Okay so she might not like my cooking, but it can't be that bad EVERY TIME! She doesn't do this if DH is there for dinner though. If he cooks, he gets heaps of praise for his culinary skills! Hmm

She has repeatedly put peanuts in my eldest's packed lunch despite knowing it is not allowed at his school, due to other children's allergies (I have been pulled up 3 times for this). I also think she is rooting through my stuff when I'm not there (no proof, just a hunch as everything seems misplaced). A pair of my shoes have gone missing, as has a cardigan and a bra. I also found my pillow in the dog's basket one evening. She claimed that the dog must have pulled it downstairs and put it in there herself. (The dog is a westie and pretty small). Hmm

She is also doing this weird thing to my wing mirror every morning: basically, we're living on a very busy road and we have to park our cars on the roadside. You have to pull in your wing mirrors after you've parked up, or there's a very good chance that a car or bus will knock it off. I always wake up to take my son to school and find that my wing mirror has been pulled out again, despite KNOWING that I pulled it in the previous day. So about a week ago, I watched out the window as she left for work (she leaves before me and the kids and DH leaves before all of us) and I SAW her doing it. I caught her doing it the day after and also this morning as well. It is definitely her and it is definitely deliberate. I think she is hoping it will get knocked off? (So far it hasn't, thank goodness).

But worst of all, this morning I went to brush my teeth and the stench of PISS coming off my toothbrush (before I used it, I hasten to add) was absolutely putrid - even when I'd already put the toothpaste on. I just know that she's rubbed it in the toilet after she's used it (or even urinated on it like a pregnancy test - who knows)?! I have no proof of this one, but honestly, it's got to be her with all the other stuff hasn't it? This is beyond a joke - how can anyone be so disgusting and spiteful? I've never been anything but nice to her and she's really freaking me out now. She clearly hates me but why not just be honest about it? DH will never believe half this stuff is going on (although I filmed her doing the wing mirror on my phone this morning and I have saved the toothbrush to show him). But he generally thinks the sun shines out of her arse. And I have nowhere else to go. What the hell am I gonna do here?! Sad

OP posts:
ArtexMonkey · 11/03/2014 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTomHardy · 11/03/2014 10:01

Wow
Hope you manage to move out by the weekend op

IAmNotAMindReader · 11/03/2014 10:05

Good luck OP and OP's DH. Looks like there's a serious period of re-examination of previous relationship dynamics ahead, I hope its not too heart breaking.

tinypumpkin · 11/03/2014 10:05

Your DH rocks. I am so sorry to hear about your MIL's behaviour. Word fail me. Hoping you get out of there asap.

riskit4abiskit · 11/03/2014 10:23

Another one here who thinks your dh is a lovely lovely man. Best wishes for your move

Stockhausen · 11/03/2014 11:03

Ewrocks... your DH rocks!

Good luck with the move. Your MIL is going to be a lonely old woman, and rightly so.

cees · 11/03/2014 11:03

WOW, what a bitch. Glad you're getting out of there.

mumof5plusazoo · 11/03/2014 11:13

I'm so pleased you dh is fully supporting you. Good luck with moving I hope you find somewhere fast.

AgathaF · 11/03/2014 11:14

What a shocking thread. Best outcome for you as a family though, so that's good.

mistlethrush · 11/03/2014 11:23

I'm so glad that your DH was 100% supportive. Good luck with the househunting today.

really1234 · 11/03/2014 11:34

Wow, that really is shocking. What an absolutely vile woman.

I am so pleased that your DH was supportive and that you have a plan.

Good luck over the next few days.

AngelaDaviesHair · 11/03/2014 11:36

Glad you and your DH are on the same page. Don't rule out going to your sister's for a few days if things just get too tough at your MIL's.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/03/2014 11:43

I'm rarely speechless - but.....
Well, there just are no words!

FelineLou · 11/03/2014 11:45

Put personal hygiene items in a wash bag and keep in your room.
Get a suitcase with a lock for other items.
Put key in purse.
Get away as soon as practicable.
This older lady is not happy with you in her home and is reacting in a very aggressive way.
Raise the issues as they occur.
"This is a very small portion I'll just get some bread and butter"
"Don't you like mince and onions lets save waste tell me what you dislike. "
And the old favourite for rude comments.
"Did you mean to be so rude?"
Your DH should be backing you on obvious aggressive behaviour.
I have lived through this sort of thing and it will just get worse so get out soon. Good Luck

encyclogirl · 11/03/2014 12:12

So glad you are getting out OP. What a witch!

FelineLou · 11/03/2014 12:15

Sorry Op MN leapt from first to last. so I gave the same advice again. Hurrah for DH.

FetchezLaVache · 11/03/2014 12:28

"MIL, are you sure you're drinking enough water? Your piss on my toothbrush smelled pretty strong."

fukkigucci · 11/03/2014 12:32

Glad to hear you'll be leaving soon.
When are you/your DH going to tell her?

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 11/03/2014 12:35

No advice, but I read this last night with absolute horror.
I'm so relieved that DH was understanding and is onside. It sounds like this is going to be a very rocky patch for your family OP with the revelations about FiL
I hope you find somewhere suitable and get settled, the relief at being together in your own space with none of this going on, will be enormous.
As to what happens between DH and his D(!)M from here, I'd say, brace yourself.

What an awful time you've been having, it almost beggars belief that anyone could be so dreadful. I feel very sorry you've been putting up with such treatment.

lizzypuffs · 11/03/2014 12:52

Really pleased that your DH has been so fantastic and you are getting out. She absolutely vile.

pluCaChange · 11/03/2014 12:57

It would be cathartic (or diuretic!) to say what Fetchez suggested!

stowsettler · 11/03/2014 13:08

Shitting hell. She is utterly, utterly fucking horrific. And a bit stupid. Fancy leaving herself open to be found out by saying terrible things like that to a child. Thick as shit.

Your DH, on the other hand, sounds brilliant!

Personally I'd have to get my revenge in some way too - but TBH there's probably no need. She'll likely never see her grandchildren again nor, quite possibly, her son. But I think I would at least let her know I knew all about her stupid little games. Christ, the more I think about it the more it sounds like a TV show.

And I understand completely why your DH kept the horrible comment from you, and the fact that his DF has been trying to get in contact. Don't be too hard on him about that. With a bit of luck he will be able to rebuilt his relationship with his father, and your MIL's self-destruction will be complete.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/03/2014 13:39

I was thinking about this overnight. Although I still believe you should make arrangements and move quickly & quietly (without confrontation), I do think that you & DH should talk to MiL afterwards.

Either she's in some stage of dementia or is mentally ill & needs medical/psych intervention or she's a total bitch and needs to know that you will be going NC and why. Either way, she needs to be told.

Do post an update, if you don't mind.

BeCool · 11/03/2014 13:47

Shocked at this thread but really happy to read OP and her H are functioning well as a team with a strong exit strategy.

OP I hope you manage to not let her know you are moving out - until you actually move out!!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 11/03/2014 14:31

WTF did I just read!?! Confused Shock Angry

Bloody hell OP I really hope you get out soon. I'd even be tempted to see if there are any local bed and breakfasts or even static caravan site's to stay in to tide you over til you find somewhere permanent (obviously don't know where you are so £££ might not be tenable but I'm putting it out there as another option)

Could you start boxing some stuff up whilst Mil is at work and take it to your Dsis's house so as to make the move as quick as possible when it happens?

Well done DH and Dsis - you're not having to deal with this alone/think it's all in your mind!

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