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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL sabotage comes to a head...

469 replies

ewrocks · 10/03/2014 14:06

Hi there - I was wondering if anyone on mumsnet could give me some advice? Myself, my DH and our three children are currently living with my MIL at the moment and have been since October, when my DH was made redundant and we had to give up our rental flat as we could no longer afford to pay the rent. It was decided between MIL and DH that we would come and live with her for a couple of years, whilst we look for work and then, once we have jobs, save for a deposit so that we can buy a house this time. A very kind offer; I had my reservations but because I've always gotten on with MIL (or so I thought), we couldn't really turn it down unless we were to go on benefits instead, which neither of us wanted to do.

So we moved in. It's a bit cramped: MIL has the front double bedroom to herself, DS's (aged 5 and 3) are on bunkbeds in the box room and me, DH and our 1 year old DD are in the back double room. There is only one small bathroom. But however uncomfortable, I am massively grateful for this opportunity. Our kids are very good (we are bloody lucky) and don't cause much fuss. MIL loves them.

DH was out of work until last month, which was very difficult but is now doing well in an even better paid job, thank God. I am a SAHM, as my youngest two kids aren't at school yet but I am currently looking for part time evening/weekend work to boost our income. No joy yet. We have no savings left, as they went on paying our last month of rent and we also gave the rest to MIL for keep. But DH is now earning again and is starting to put some away. I do the vast majority of housework during the day and we all take turns to do the cooking, as it is a hobby of all of ours. I still do the lion's share, I would say.

I always got on with MIL and I thought she liked me but lately she has been doing and saying things that seem like sabotage and indicate that she actually, secretly hates my guts! At first it was little snide comments about my weight, or lack of ambition (she works, I haven't since our second was born). There have been a few goldigger-esq comments as well.
I let these go, as I thought me living in her home her must be grating on her nerves a bit.

But then she started playing games with food. For example, on her nights to cook, she serves everyone else's dishes up first and then leaves mine in the pot/oven and tells me to help myself. She barely leaves half a portion! I'm not kidding when I say on some nights, I'm eating the same amount of dinner as our 1 year old! She'll serve up the DC's and put DH's on a plate in the microwave (as some evenings, he doesn't get back until just after dinner time). On the evenings when I cook, she makes faces and pushes her food around her plate before eating maybe one mouthful and then "fake heaving" and spiting it out in the sink. She'll give the rest of the dinner to her dog and make herself a sandwich or a ready meal. Okay so she might not like my cooking, but it can't be that bad EVERY TIME! She doesn't do this if DH is there for dinner though. If he cooks, he gets heaps of praise for his culinary skills! Hmm

She has repeatedly put peanuts in my eldest's packed lunch despite knowing it is not allowed at his school, due to other children's allergies (I have been pulled up 3 times for this). I also think she is rooting through my stuff when I'm not there (no proof, just a hunch as everything seems misplaced). A pair of my shoes have gone missing, as has a cardigan and a bra. I also found my pillow in the dog's basket one evening. She claimed that the dog must have pulled it downstairs and put it in there herself. (The dog is a westie and pretty small). Hmm

She is also doing this weird thing to my wing mirror every morning: basically, we're living on a very busy road and we have to park our cars on the roadside. You have to pull in your wing mirrors after you've parked up, or there's a very good chance that a car or bus will knock it off. I always wake up to take my son to school and find that my wing mirror has been pulled out again, despite KNOWING that I pulled it in the previous day. So about a week ago, I watched out the window as she left for work (she leaves before me and the kids and DH leaves before all of us) and I SAW her doing it. I caught her doing it the day after and also this morning as well. It is definitely her and it is definitely deliberate. I think she is hoping it will get knocked off? (So far it hasn't, thank goodness).

But worst of all, this morning I went to brush my teeth and the stench of PISS coming off my toothbrush (before I used it, I hasten to add) was absolutely putrid - even when I'd already put the toothpaste on. I just know that she's rubbed it in the toilet after she's used it (or even urinated on it like a pregnancy test - who knows)?! I have no proof of this one, but honestly, it's got to be her with all the other stuff hasn't it? This is beyond a joke - how can anyone be so disgusting and spiteful? I've never been anything but nice to her and she's really freaking me out now. She clearly hates me but why not just be honest about it? DH will never believe half this stuff is going on (although I filmed her doing the wing mirror on my phone this morning and I have saved the toothbrush to show him). But he generally thinks the sun shines out of her arse. And I have nowhere else to go. What the hell am I gonna do here?! Sad

OP posts:
WynkenBlynkenandNod · 10/03/2014 19:53

Flipping heck, you poor thing. I'd jot some of that down on paper once you're out of there just in case it turns out she has the onset of Dementia, it will help with diagnosis .

beginnings · 10/03/2014 19:56

I don't have the world's most fabulous relationship with my MIL but good God this woman's unhinged!

Hope you have a good conversation with your DH OP.

Timeforabiscuit · 10/03/2014 19:58

hope the conversation goes well, if not, leave and take the kids with you - what a horrible situation for you.

MrsCakesPremonition · 10/03/2014 19:59

I agree that the MIL sounds pretty irrational. I'd be worrying about my personal safety, what if she gets some odd ideas about popping something in your tea? Anyone who uses a relative's toothbrush to clean the loo doesn't have much impulse control.

tillyann2013 · 10/03/2014 20:02

Wow, thought my mil was nuts! Hope the chat goes well.

NachoAddict · 10/03/2014 20:18

I hate my mil with a passion but I have never ever considered peeing on her toothbrush. Although I am seriously considering a reconciliation to gain access to her bathroom....

Hope it goes well with your Mil, I would stay at your sisters tonight and get a new rental now.

AlistairSim · 10/03/2014 20:18

Jeepers!

She's hardcore.

MissHobart · 10/03/2014 20:52

Absolute Loon Confused

Get out now!

peppapigmustdie · 10/03/2014 21:04

Hope your chat with dh went well and you are looking at private rentals right now.p

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 10/03/2014 21:10

Woah. So sorry to hear this OP, what a nightmare. Even if you were the DIL from hell I don't think that warrants pissing on your toothbrush Shock Another one hoping the chat with DH went well.

WeAreDetective · 10/03/2014 21:13

Wow!, just... Wow!

Hope it goes ok

Pimpf · 10/03/2014 21:19

Omg, what a nightmare. Can you move to your sisters until you find somewhere to rent?

Hope the talk went well

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 10/03/2014 21:21

I really hope you get this sorted, what a nightmare.

CrewElla · 10/03/2014 21:22

I really hope you can get out soon. It sound like she is escalating.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 10/03/2014 21:22

I think Hissy has hit on something, and that it's not a full house that's driving her round the bend: she wants you out. But she would probably love to hang on to your husband and children. You've done your job producing her DGC, now butt out please, in short.

I hope your talk with your DH went well. You really need him on side.

ThePigOfHappiness · 10/03/2014 21:31

Oh my god. What a nightmare.
I'm bloody moving in to my pils tomorrow with dp and the kids... Now I'm shitting it!

Purplehulk · 10/03/2014 21:34

Really hope your chat with DH has gone well, and you can present a united front
Good luck OP

Runningtrainers · 10/03/2014 21:36

Shaking head in disbelief! Get out ASAP.

TempusFuckit · 10/03/2014 22:14

Good lord! Good luck OP, hope you get out soon. Intrigued as to what your DH says ...

Roseformeplease · 10/03/2014 22:23

It sounds like Hissy says. She has a man in the house and 3 children. Why on earth would she want another woman there - worse still, one who the children love more than her?

Document everything.

ewrocks · 11/03/2014 00:02

I'm back! Well, we're back anyway and we've talked. Very interesting evening...

I met DH halfway in the end as I didn't want to have to pay for either a train fare or a congestion charge. So we met in Prezzo's and asked for a table in the corner. I tried to remain as calm as possible and wanted to just stick to the facts (ie, the stuff I have proof of). To my surprise, I actually started crying a little bit as I was trying to get it out! Not embarrassing sobs thank God - I don't think anyone else noticed! But enough that DH was now visibly very concerned! I was obviously bottling it up.

I ended up telling him everything - and - I even showed him this thread in the end!!! I also showed him the video of the wing mirror and the toothbrush (which nearly made him sick there and then)! He was very, very shocked and upset. But God bless his heart, he was fully supportive. I do love him to bits - how he can even share DNA with MIL is a mystery! I told him that we had to move ASAP and that if he wanted to stay then I was sorry but he's be staying alone. That I didn't want to fuck up our chances of saving for a deposit but that it was obviously not working out us living there.

He was wonderful - my hero. Believed me wholeheartedly (will explain why in a minute). He said that we would find a way to move out by the weekend, even if it all went on the credit card (which we've just paid off and hidden away, ironically)!

However, a few things have come to light this evening that I wasn't aware of. DH and I are normally good communicators - very honest. But he has been holding back some vital bits of information recently so as not to worry me, which of course, has worried me even more. The first is that DS1 said to DH a fortnight ago; "Daddy, what's a whore?" When (a very shocked) DH asked him why he was asking, he told DH that "nanny said mummy was a stupid whore who needs a slap". Shock Angry He said he knew then that there was a serious problem with his mum and was angry but wanted to play it by ear and see if it happened one more time before he tackled it. I told him he should have beasted her out then and there!!! He said he had also noticed some of my meals in the dog's bowl but had assumed that I was putting the kids leftovers in there. Nope!

The other shocker that he hadn't told me about, is that FIL has been trying to get in touch (via his wife) over facebook and has messaged DH twice in the last year! Shock In fact, FIL has periodically tried to get in touch with DH since he left MIL in 2004!!! DH hated his dad for having an affair and leaving his mum high and dry. He was too stubborn all this time to reconcile with his dad (and said with hindsight, that his mother heavily implied it would be a massive betrayal on DH's part if he saw his dad again). I can't actually get over this information and I am really quite cross that he hadn't told me any of this before tonight. I said to him, were you ever gonna tell me? And he reckons that he might well have but didn't consider it a big deal as his stance hadn't changed since deciding to disown his dad. He was just carrying on with his head in the sand as usual! I said you might wanna change your stance this time mate - I bet FIL has some bloody stories to tell! So in light of this, DH is currently considering speaking to his dad again after a decade. that's not a small fry thing...

He has been wonderful though, and when we got back to the house, MIL was already watching TV in bed thank GOD, so no need to bother with her. DS2 and DD were asleep when we picked them up from my sister's and now they're all soundo in bed, bless them. DH is going to brave my sister's on Wednesday evening as he wants her opinion too (my sis commands a lot of respect, haha)! God love her, she offered for us to stay there until we were sorted but I know that it would be logistically impossible as she has a hubby and three kids of her own! So instead, she's going to lend us £500 for a rental deposit and we'll put the rest on the credit card, so that we can be out of there by the weekend hopefully. We'll probably get another 2 bedroom at first, as a 3 bed in North London/Herts are extortionate and bubs can stay in with us until she's 2 if worst comes to worst. That way, we can put the extra we save on rent towards saving for a deposit still, even if it take twice as long, Tomorrow will mostly be spent rightmoving and calling lettings agencies...

OP posts:
ewrocks · 11/03/2014 00:06

Good God! Sorry for the essay post! Thanks to everyone for your support - I'm just trying to block her out of my thoughts at the moment as I can't process all this just yet. Put it this way, we are ALL in possession of new toothbrushes after nipping into Tesco express on the way home!!! I'll put the soiled one back in the bathroom for her to do as she wishes with and keep these one's on me, I think...

OP posts:
whyisthishappening · 11/03/2014 00:06

I've witnessed similar things from a daughter-in-law after the mother-in-law moved in with her son and his family. She eventually moved to a retirement home and was much happier.

The son seemed to turn a blind eye to his wife's words and actions towards his mother. Sneaky things like supposedly smearing shit and piss all over the bathroom and pretending the mil had done it, wetting her bed and making out there was loads of extra cleaning work due to her presence. Cooking food she knew mil didn't like. Reading her mail and not passing it on. Not letting her watch what she wanted on tv.

I think there had been history and the mil wasn't blameless in the past. I don't know exactly what happened but it left a very unpleasant aftertaste.

I think the son was hoping it would blow over and his wife would improve; the abusive behavior continued for a few months and then suddenly she was moved to a home.

BillyBanter · 11/03/2014 00:11

What an awful woman. Glad you're getting out asap. Hope it comes together by the weekend.

Is your DH going to talk to her or are you just packing up and leaving?

I'd recommend the latter.

I hope also that he contacts his dad. Sounds like she did a number on them both.

eightandthreequarters · 11/03/2014 00:14

Wow, OP. I'm so, so happy for you that you and DH are okay! That's the important thing. And wonderful that he might now have a relationship with his Dad, who probably does indeed have some stories to tell about MIL... Best of luck getting a new flat ASAP.