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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL sabotage comes to a head...

469 replies

ewrocks · 10/03/2014 14:06

Hi there - I was wondering if anyone on mumsnet could give me some advice? Myself, my DH and our three children are currently living with my MIL at the moment and have been since October, when my DH was made redundant and we had to give up our rental flat as we could no longer afford to pay the rent. It was decided between MIL and DH that we would come and live with her for a couple of years, whilst we look for work and then, once we have jobs, save for a deposit so that we can buy a house this time. A very kind offer; I had my reservations but because I've always gotten on with MIL (or so I thought), we couldn't really turn it down unless we were to go on benefits instead, which neither of us wanted to do.

So we moved in. It's a bit cramped: MIL has the front double bedroom to herself, DS's (aged 5 and 3) are on bunkbeds in the box room and me, DH and our 1 year old DD are in the back double room. There is only one small bathroom. But however uncomfortable, I am massively grateful for this opportunity. Our kids are very good (we are bloody lucky) and don't cause much fuss. MIL loves them.

DH was out of work until last month, which was very difficult but is now doing well in an even better paid job, thank God. I am a SAHM, as my youngest two kids aren't at school yet but I am currently looking for part time evening/weekend work to boost our income. No joy yet. We have no savings left, as they went on paying our last month of rent and we also gave the rest to MIL for keep. But DH is now earning again and is starting to put some away. I do the vast majority of housework during the day and we all take turns to do the cooking, as it is a hobby of all of ours. I still do the lion's share, I would say.

I always got on with MIL and I thought she liked me but lately she has been doing and saying things that seem like sabotage and indicate that she actually, secretly hates my guts! At first it was little snide comments about my weight, or lack of ambition (she works, I haven't since our second was born). There have been a few goldigger-esq comments as well.
I let these go, as I thought me living in her home her must be grating on her nerves a bit.

But then she started playing games with food. For example, on her nights to cook, she serves everyone else's dishes up first and then leaves mine in the pot/oven and tells me to help myself. She barely leaves half a portion! I'm not kidding when I say on some nights, I'm eating the same amount of dinner as our 1 year old! She'll serve up the DC's and put DH's on a plate in the microwave (as some evenings, he doesn't get back until just after dinner time). On the evenings when I cook, she makes faces and pushes her food around her plate before eating maybe one mouthful and then "fake heaving" and spiting it out in the sink. She'll give the rest of the dinner to her dog and make herself a sandwich or a ready meal. Okay so she might not like my cooking, but it can't be that bad EVERY TIME! She doesn't do this if DH is there for dinner though. If he cooks, he gets heaps of praise for his culinary skills! Hmm

She has repeatedly put peanuts in my eldest's packed lunch despite knowing it is not allowed at his school, due to other children's allergies (I have been pulled up 3 times for this). I also think she is rooting through my stuff when I'm not there (no proof, just a hunch as everything seems misplaced). A pair of my shoes have gone missing, as has a cardigan and a bra. I also found my pillow in the dog's basket one evening. She claimed that the dog must have pulled it downstairs and put it in there herself. (The dog is a westie and pretty small). Hmm

She is also doing this weird thing to my wing mirror every morning: basically, we're living on a very busy road and we have to park our cars on the roadside. You have to pull in your wing mirrors after you've parked up, or there's a very good chance that a car or bus will knock it off. I always wake up to take my son to school and find that my wing mirror has been pulled out again, despite KNOWING that I pulled it in the previous day. So about a week ago, I watched out the window as she left for work (she leaves before me and the kids and DH leaves before all of us) and I SAW her doing it. I caught her doing it the day after and also this morning as well. It is definitely her and it is definitely deliberate. I think she is hoping it will get knocked off? (So far it hasn't, thank goodness).

But worst of all, this morning I went to brush my teeth and the stench of PISS coming off my toothbrush (before I used it, I hasten to add) was absolutely putrid - even when I'd already put the toothpaste on. I just know that she's rubbed it in the toilet after she's used it (or even urinated on it like a pregnancy test - who knows)?! I have no proof of this one, but honestly, it's got to be her with all the other stuff hasn't it? This is beyond a joke - how can anyone be so disgusting and spiteful? I've never been anything but nice to her and she's really freaking me out now. She clearly hates me but why not just be honest about it? DH will never believe half this stuff is going on (although I filmed her doing the wing mirror on my phone this morning and I have saved the toothbrush to show him). But he generally thinks the sun shines out of her arse. And I have nowhere else to go. What the hell am I gonna do here?! Sad

OP posts:
Zucker · 11/03/2014 23:39

Christ on a bike ewrocks, she's about as nasty as someone can be.

I'd be all for tying a giant bow on the offending toothbrush and leaving it for her on the kitchen table as you leave.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 12/03/2014 00:20

Im glad your DH is firmly on your side in this.

The worst part of it all is your DS having heard his own grandmother speak so viciously about you. The confusion in his little mind must have been huge.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 12/03/2014 00:21

And i'd be seriously tempted to piss on her toothbrush the day you leave, but you wouldnt because your so much better than that.

MistressDeeCee · 12/03/2014 02:47

She's off her rocker. Id be worried. Does your DH know about this? He probably wouldn't believe you though, as it sounds so weird, even though you know its true. Nothing is worth living like this, you need to leave asap but for that to happen, your DH has to be made aware. I agree with poster who says filming is a good idea.

Gettingmeback · 12/03/2014 03:41

MistressDeeCee take the time to read the thread Smile

MistressDeeCee · 12/03/2014 03:55

Gettingmeback I did - what have I missed? Confused

MistressDeeCee · 12/03/2014 03:58

Ah - Ive missed where DH is now aware & is supportive..thats what I get for 'skimming'Smile

MistressDeeCee · 12/03/2014 04:04

& have now read the part where OP told DH what was going on
Shock

MIL's going to end up alone rocking in her chair. I suppose she'll have plenty of time to ponder whether such vindictiveness coupled with an obsession about her own son was worth it...

ThinkFirst · 12/03/2014 06:30

When you leave tell her that as she obviously thinks urine is good for the teeth you've scrubbed all her pots, pans, crockery and cutlery with the toothbrush.

So glad you DH is 100% with you. Don't eat her food she might have mixed dog shit your portion. Do whatever it takes to get out of there now, and don't let her have any kind of contact with your DC, she will damage them.

bragmatic · 12/03/2014 06:42

Has his MIL ever behaved badly to others before? Does she have friends, hobbies?

I only ask because if her behaviour is so out of character and she is not normally so vindictive, could there be something else going on?

I am not suggesting for a moment that you should stay there, by the way. Obviously you need to get out very soon, and I hope you do. But she's displayed some bizarre behaviour, and if it's well out of the ordinary perhaps there is some explanation ….the onset of dementia perhaps? I don't know. I mean, sabotaging your car, limiting your food, and pissing on a toothbrush??????? It's not something an otherwise normal person would do, and you said that she'd seemed normal up until now.

Clutterbugsmum · 12/03/2014 07:28

I know people trying to find excuses, and why not as no one in their right mind would behave like this. But surely if it is the onset of dementia she would be like this with every one and not directing all her anger and hate at just one person.

All Ewrock MIL action's are just directed at her, either direct or via others. Every thing is planned, from telly Ewrock's son his mother is a whore to deliberately not cooking enough and trying to get her car damaged.

I don't know enough about dementia to know if this would happen but I would have thought it would be more of a general behaviour to everyone and anybody.

woodmouse2 · 12/03/2014 07:41

As I understood it there may have been suspect behaviour and manipulation by MIL towards her own now XH several years ago.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 12/03/2014 07:45

Sadly Cluttersbugmum it isn't uncommon for one person to be the focus of paranoia in Dementia. There are many different types and in some the Memory loss aspect comes fairly late and the first presentation of symptoms is personality change, loss of inhibitions and social withdrawal.

Damage to the frontal lobe from something like a TIA which the person didn't realise they had can cause this. My Mother decided I was evil, plotting against her and didn't want me involved in her care last summer. She asked if I had poisoned her cake. She was fine with everyone else. She's supposedly ok with me now but it's clearly bubbling under the surface. I was the person around her the most as over the years she had cut herself off from the few friends she had and all her family except me and my Brother, who is Golden Boy despite not having seen her for 5 years.

Right now it doesn't really matter whether she is ill or not, They need to get out. However when that is sorted Dememtia is something to be considered.

RalphGnu · 12/03/2014 07:51

Hoooooly shit, makes me appreciate my MIL a whole lot more!

MistressDeeCee · 12/03/2014 07:56

Wonder if OP is still there. I wouldnt eat or drink a thing in that house any longer, if it were me.

I do thihk MIL is mentally unwell and some kind of treatment may be in order

Whereisegg · 12/03/2014 08:30

I agree with posters that are worried about the food she's leaving you in the pots.

Would dh be agreeable to coming in and saying something like "I'm not that hungry, ew you have my plate and I'll have the smaller portions that are left"?

bragmatic · 12/03/2014 08:40

Yes I agree Clutter, which was why I was asking about any friends she has. I was wondering if they'd noticed anything, and if it was worthwhile talking to them. Also I wonder of she has other children - if the OP's husband has brothers and sisters perhaps they can shed some light?.

If she's always been like this, and it's just magnified because the OP is living with her, that's understandable, but you would think even in that case they'd have noticed other odd behaviour over the course of the relationship.

bragmatic · 12/03/2014 08:42

Oops missed Wynken's post. That's interesting, I didn't realise it was possible for just one person to be the focus of the behaviour. That must have been very difficult for you.

stowsettler · 12/03/2014 08:48

I'm not so sure it could be dementia (any other symptoms?) but surely it's a mental illness of some description. As many have said, normal people just do not behave like this. And from what the OP has said regarding her DH's father, I wonder whether she's been mentally unbalanced for years.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 12/03/2014 09:19

What crazy things to do.

If you can avoid her cooking before you leave then do that.

If not I would get dh to do as a previous poster suggested and give his food to you, go and get the tiny portion and then (just in case she is putting something horrible in it) come back in with the pan and say in a cheery voice, "oops! Looks like you've got the portions wrong again! Who hasn't got much? Mum! Here you go! I'll grab a sandwich" And pour the lot onto her plate before she can object.

If she struggles to choke it down, or doesn't eat it, then you know she's put something in it.

Bagofnutsnbolts · 12/03/2014 09:40

Bloody hell OP she's clearly enjoying some wierd power game over you, bordering on some seriously nasty behaviour it's almost as if she's playing mind games on you, I wonder if her intentions are to try and damage your marriage? Or possible she has just come to the end of tether with having you all living in her house, either way she's made it very clear she wants you out, and I wouldn't hang around. I don't want to sound alarmist, but if she is doing that to your toothbrush where is she going to stop? Tranquillisers in you food? It seems she had a gripe misbehaved got away with and escalating the behaviours. But it doesn't sound like talking to her a possibility. What about your parents? OP are you any good with technology?

Bagofnutsnbolts · 12/03/2014 10:00

Aha that'll teach me for not reading whole thread! Good luck with moving out OP, fingers crossed you've found a good place to move too! Hmmmm I'm not surprising your FIL moved out. When its not so sore OP this would make a bloody good novel! In fact I wonder if the tv drama a few years back 'the White House or little white house' was based on your MIL they certainly share a few similarities!

FetchezLaVache · 12/03/2014 11:07

Bagof, didn't the main protagonist in that end up killing her MIL and making it look like an accident? Hmmm...

woodmouse2 · 12/03/2014 11:42

The novel's called 'The Little House' by Phillippa Gregory - shocking ending but clever and left me with very mixed feelings!

bragmatic · 12/03/2014 11:44

"shocking ending"

boom tish. Grin

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