My partner has left me and my 2 boys this morning

[DickCrack]

It's been coming a while. 1 shag in 3 years lots if rows. This morning I found loads of dirty texts he sent to another woman. He's gone now. Ds 5 witnessed a lot of my upset this morning. I'm ashamed. What do I do?

Yeah I think ds1 would try to please me, but ds2 I think is too little. I love them so much, I just want to make it right.

In the nicest possible way I think regardless of the happy weekend them not seeing their dad at all for a few weeks is detrimental. I know he is every name under the son but your boys deserve a relationship with him. The first few times will be upsetting as they are getting used to new things - no need to rush but keeping some contact open is important. Don't leave the ball in their courts - they know how you are feeling....

I thought long and hard about what to write as I don't want to upset you further...... I would though have a stern chat about keeping his emotions in check and his sister on a lead!

I think regular contact is key - if you stop it for a few weeks it will make it so much harder to restart - for all parties really. And how do you know when they are ready, next week, month, summer? It is too big a decision for young children to make. If they don't see him for some time they will feel he has abandoned them I guess.

Ok, I think I'll ask them, after school tomorrow, really casually. I'm trying not to let my feelings show. I don't want them to be damaged by this.
I hate him and what he's done to me and my boys, I don't want to compound it for them.
I hope he's fucking rotting though.

I asked. Ds2 didn't answer. Ds1 said yes he'd like to see him but then changed the subject and hasn't mentioned him again. I'm not too sure what that means?

It means he doesn't want to upset you further. Tbh I wouldn't be asking small children what they think regarding access they may go through a variety of emotion.
Your exh should be the person you discuss this with and then supporting them in what's being organised.

So you think I should be pushing it despite him saying no?

Sorry that wasn't clear, in response to wannabe I asked again shall we call daddy, he said no.

You are their mum, you are obviously hurting and they know their dad isn't there anymore. I am not saying you have to ring him constantly but he should see them. Let them direct questions to him too but away from you and the home.

I am really not being mean when I am saying these things. It's horrible I know.

I think that these are adult decisions you are asking your children to make. Why not discuss access with their father? Decide what you would be happy with beforehand, what you wouldn't be happy with and decide to end any conversation with, "I'll sleep on it and let you know in the morning if I can make that work". If he pressures you in to deciding then and there say you need to sleep on it. If he insists you can't say, "if you need an answer right now, then I'll have to say no".

I think you need to make the decision for them for the greater good - even if it is not what you want. It is way too big a thing for such young ones to discuss with you.

Ok I accept that they are too little to decide, but how do I decide for them? They've seemed much better since we went away on Friday and had a break from it. I don't want to dredge up all the upset again, but I know they need to see him eventually.

They will be as they have seen you more upbeat. You need to talk to your ex husband and come up with a plan. Be positive in front of the children and they will take their signals from you. They may well come back upset or tetchy but it's a period of adjustment for you all.

Apparently she performed oral sex on him in the car three times when ds2 was 4 or 5 months old. I'm stunned.

How are things today?

I'm off sick. I'm trying to sort out finances and separate everything.
He tells me it was the biggest mistake of his life. Despite how awful the revelations are part of me wants him to come home to make it all stop.

I think that focusing on practicalities such as money is a good idea.

Honestly, don't go back to him. I asked ex to leave in similar circumstances (there where other issues in the relationship too) and I found the first couple of months were the hardest, at the point he went, I still loved him, but couldn't put up with his behaviour any longer. Like you I could of gone back to him, but I knew within weeks things would be back to what they were before so I blocked him on fb, deleted his txts without reading them etc etc and that made it slightly easier.

I think a period of time to readjust before regular contact is set up is entirely reasonable. The paramount importance at the moment is your children's and your emotional well being.

I know it was him who made promises not her, but I want to kill her. Apparently they met for a cup of tea on Sunday and decided no further contact.

you do realise he is probably minimising - first of all it was just some photos, now this - how long until he admits to sex I wonder.

So sorry - it is horrid, such a shock.

He says he's told me everything. There's likely to be more than that isn't there?

yep probably.

Do I demand to know it all? This underlines that all my trust in him has gone. I don't believe a word he says

no - I think you will never know the full truth, surely what you know is enough? Time to start protecting yourself I reckon.

What Lavender said. You distance yourself and build a new life for yourself.