My partner has left me and my 2 boys this morning

[DickCrack]

It's been coming a while. 1 shag in 3 years lots if rows. This morning I found loads of dirty texts he sent to another woman. He's gone now. Ds 5 witnessed a lot of my upset this morning. I'm ashamed. What do I do?

oh and have you sorted out child maintenance yet - if not phone them today. Get the ball rolling.

I know he's been an arse, I sympathise, I really do. But rise above it. You know what fucks kids up? When their parents handle divorce badly and do shit like 'lose' keys and make their partner take legal action to get access to his own house. (Crap advice, honestly). When they turn an already irretrievable relationship toxic.

Stay off facebook. I know you're hurting, but don't do anything silly.

I would have thought him coming in to the house when he wants to and emptying it of stuff would be more damaging than anything else for kids tbh.

OP - get legal advice and do not communicate with him, or her, any more than is strictly necessary. And look after yourself.

It's not about what is more damaging. He has behaved appallingly. He has inflicted damage on his children. He may well continue to do so. Therefore part of the job of the partner left behind is damage control. It might take a monumental dose of self restraint, but the well being of the children is the most important thing here. It doesn't mean you allow yourself to be walked all over, OP, just don't add fuel to the fire.

I have brought the boys to a friends near the seaside, it's nice here, ds2 has been introduced to mine craft by my friends ds. We are going kite flying at the beach tomorrow. It's better without him here.
Neither of them replied to my messages.

It's better not to get into a war. Let your friend take care of you, drink lots of tea and relax with your boys x

Glad you're at a friends. Your ds sounds happy :) really hope you manage to relax a bit and your dc's enjoy their time this weekend.

Good move getting away and focusing on you and the dc.

and hugs x

You must focus on your sons happiness and not those two's unhappiness.

He's moved into his flat today. At least that was the plan. We had a barbecue on the beach. The weather was lovely. Neither boy mentioned him at all.
My ex has been texting asking that I ask the boys if they will speak on the phone, to tell them he loves them etc.
ds1 said it was nice to be away from things being sad - my friend asked how he is after he's spoken to daddy. Upset usually, wants him to come home.
My friend said I need to let the boys have a few weeks no contact with him to let them recover and focus on what's now their new family.
He's constantly wanting to see them / speak to them. My friend thinks he's trying to manage his guilt, that if he can hear every day they are ok he can tell himself there's no problem.
His sister had a go at me for bringing them away, she said I am keeping them from him. But I really needed a break and so did they. She's blocked me from Facebook now anyway.

The advice you have received on this thread is that you (all of you, but particularly the boys) need regular, planned access arranged.

I don't know why you have continued to discuss this with your sister-in-law.

I haven't discussed it with her logg1e - she's bombarded me with messages via Facebook re it.
Regular contact I understand, but a few weeks break first? I like the idea, but probably mainly because I don't want him near. But for the boys - good or bad?

Awful as this all is, he is still the boys dad and has a right to see them.

I've been where you are. 8 yrs ago my exh left me and my 2 boys, they were 3 & 5. It was awful and devastating and shit!

But I never stopped him seeing the boys, as much as it killed me I just couldn't do that to them. As the weeks went on he took them to his new flat, they would come home and talk about a separate world that didn't involve me. It was very hard.

Now, I love the time that my boys are with there dad. It gives me opportunity to do my own thing. I never put my ex down in front of the boys.

It is hard, this transition but you will get there.

She can only rant against stony silence for so long. I think it's right to block her.

Your decisions have to be what's best for your sons. Personally I think they should have regular contact with their father if it's safe to do so, including safe from emotional manipulation. Is there a third party you can trust to oversee his access?

No, no third party and yes emotional manipulation is my concern. He cries on the phone to them, it upsets them. He told them they can stay at his flat "if mummy says its ok" which of course paints me as the baddy if I say no, and I've not been invited to check its safe and suitable. He will be sat in it smoking dope all day, that's what he does.

I agree access is important. However, the op is doing what she considers best at the moment. No way would I have my dc listen to their dad cry. Also, if he is going to Nd sat smoking dope it's a big deal for her to trust him with the dc.

Everything is up in the air, it won't hurt for the dust to settle and then sort access in a week or two. I only say this thinking about the dc, settling them and making them feel secure. I don't condone keeping them away from their dad for any other reasons.

I think denying him contact is wrong sorry and it really isn't best for the children. I was in the same position as you and this is where you need to manage your feelings and think about theirs. I wouldn't agree to overnights yet but get in a routine eg Wednesday for tea and either sat or Sunday.

Your life is none of SIL's business love. Block her and if she does contact you somehow, tell her that she has no business telling you to do anything.

I think she's trying to limit the damage her brother has done. By 'blaming' you, her brother's not the one that's walked out on his family.

Remember, she was a product of the same childhood he was, right?

You're doing the right things love, don't doubt yourself!

You are right hissy. She is irrelevant.
I've got to go back home today. It isn't s happy prospect. I think I've made some decisions though.
I'm going to refuse to engage in any more text / email / fbook discussions with anyone who is not supportive or with him. People can phone if they want to talk but I'm not going to deal with him popping up with messages every 5 minutes.
I'm going to ask him to give us all a few weeks space to recover, unless the boys ask for him specifically.
I'm going to get the house on the market and look to rent locally initially to be near support. That way I can sever all ties except the kids
I'm going to sell all the gifts he got me and use the money to treat me and the boys to another few days away.

So your not going to let him see the children for a few weeks?

I'm not going to arrange anything for a few weeks but if kids ask for him, to see him or speak to him, then I will contact him straight away and ask for him to see them. I want to do things at my boys pace, not his.

They've not mentioned him all weekend and tonight is first night with no wet bed all week for both. I'm sure this break has been the right thing. I want to use it as the start of the boys healing.

Back home now. Neither boy has mentioned him once. I am thinking this means they needed the break from the stress and upset, do others agree?

It could do. I suppose if I was you I'd be concerned that they were picking up on my mood and wanting to please me.

Yes, logg1e has a point, kids do this.

You could ask them? You could just say when would you like to see daddy??