My partner has left me and my 2 boys this morning

[DickCrack]

It's been coming a while. 1 shag in 3 years lots if rows. This morning I found loads of dirty texts he sent to another woman. He's gone now. Ds 5 witnessed a lot of my upset this morning. I'm ashamed. What do I do?

It is utter nonsense - he wants you to forget about it and not mention it again. That is not possible. My ex wanted the same - when I didn't toe the line he scuttled back to the OW. How are you meant to forget such hurt and betrayal and move on if he refuses to acknowledge and deal with your understandable pain.

Don't let him back because you are too scared of the alternative.

DC, I kept on going for the easy option of short lived relief just like Curtwild. It was the biggest mistake I have ever made. I finally called time on it when my second child was 3. We are now a happy family of three, I have recovered much of my self esteem and confidence. It was a steep learning curve and I was incredibly naive. I believed for the longest time that he hadn't/wasn't having a full affair. They are now together and I don't give a shiny shit. If I ever feel sad it is because of what I miss, not who and that our children won't have the intact family I grew up in but there are fates far worse than that.

I was very ill with an auto immune condition raging out of control, PND and sudden shock close bereavement and then DC2 falling so ill they were in intensive care for a number of weeks. I have moments where I am grateful this revealed my husbands true character. I am also thankful it happened when our children were so little, they were spared some of the pain older children have to deal with. He detached when I was at my most vulnerable and weak, for the first time in my life I was not coping and he did that. Splendid. They are not worth it and I can't believe what I was prepared to accept or brush under the carpet.

We are a thriving family of three. I have a lovely life, with many good friends and family. I feel lucky. I have dipped in and out of this board for years and it has helped immensely, I only wish I had the strength to do the necessary much sooner. I was gullible though. I wish you all the strength you need x

Thank you. It feels like this is so terrible it can't have happened, hearing you have been through it too saddens me and gives me hope if that makes sense. I am scared of the alternative, of being alone with my boys forever, of putting too much on them, of being lonely and sad and bitter.

DC I know you're frightened, but as decco said, we carry on for that short lived relief and open ourselves to so much more pain. I was at my lowest and he pulled me back in easily. Within no time I was pregnant with our twins and terrified he'd yet again find what he described as 'a distraction from family life'..like being with another woman when I needed him the most was no different to doing a jigsaw or getting absorbed in a good movie - as a means if escape.
It's only six weeks since I finally realised I'd been dying a little bit each day ans needed to make the break. We're now a lovely little family of four, my babies are happy and thriving and I feel like myself again, confident and strong and no longer tolerating being treat so shoddily by the one who was supposed to love me.

You won't be Dick. Promise.

I know we often say here that cheating partners follow a script. But it seems to me that many of us do as well. We go through the same loops - anger, grief, desperation, bitterness. Everything yuo're feeling is perfectly normal and natural in your circumstances.

I found that I could cycle through it all in the emotions in the space of half an hour. From sobbing desperation to blind fury to fuck-you defiance...and back again.

Go easy on yourself DC. You have already come so far.

When it all started with me I was petrified, it all felt so massive and awful. It is the same old advice with any loss, take a day at a time. Sometimes I have felt sad and lonely, that makes you human but for me bitter was a choice and I choose not be (most of the time). This does not mean I am friends with exh, I am polite and matter of fact. This does not go down well at first. I have wished him well as long as he is far far away from me whenever possible.

It has been a slog but my immediate reaction to any news of a couple reconciling after cheating (in real life) fills me with relief that I don't have to live like that. I know many couples do and I don't judge that, just glad I don't have it in my life anymore. I have given myself a lot of time to recover and am beginning to consider dating. I wanted to be free first, happy in my skin again.

You can rebuild and you can be a brilliant mum to your boys. It took a while but you can do it too. It also won't be horrendous every day for ages, there will be ups and downs, getting better day by day but you only really notice looking back. You are at the start but in six months time or a year I believe you will be infinitely better off without him than with him. Seriously, read that chumplady site. I wish I could fast forward you, the pain is a bastard but it is finite.

This is the text he just sent me:
I love my family and am frightened of coming back in case it goes wrong again and the boys and you and me suffer more. I will keep all my promises for ever now. You don't deserve this.

My answer to that text was he didn't love his family when he was off with someone else.

He is right though, you don't deserve this at all - he is a bloody fool.

The only bit he got right was the last sentence.

Still all about him isn't it? He's scared. He might suffer more.

DC I'm going to be brutal now. That is not the text of a man who wants to come back. It's not the text of a man who should be had back

1 shag in 3 years lots of rows.
This morning I found loads of dirty texts he sent to another woman.
The relationship was hellish*
I am so upset that he was screwing around when our baby was so small

Remember reality!

MOST men DON'T do this to their families. MOST men don't cheat.

If you went back, bearing in mind that all he's offering to do is to come back, no counselling, no acceptance of responsibility, nothing, then the HELLISH relationship, bugger all sex would be your life.

You have MUCH greater chance of a FULL and satisfying life WITHOUT HIM, than one with him.

His comment in case it goes wrong again just shows that he is from the 'oh I tripped and fell, and my dick landed in that other woman' scholol of adultery.

IF you had a bearable relationship before, and IF he was taking all this one the chin and looking at ways of putting this right, without so much as one second of blame being laid in your direction, I'd say PERHAPS it might work.

HOWEVER....

He isn't taking any of this upon himself, he is just sticking around, holding on to the keys, insisting on coming around while he bides the time until you STFU and take him back, no compromises, no deals, no promises.

He hasn't even promised you shit now, but he's saying he'll keep them all and HOPE that he doesn't cheat again.

what you had before was shit, not worth having, so why fight to keep it. At least if he's gone you have the CHANCE of a better life. with him you have NOTHING.

This is not the example to set to your boys. on all accounts. They need to know that cheats lose their families, and that happiness in a marriage is essential.

Also 'in case it goes wrong again'. As if it was something out of his control and not responsible for, like a bloody car breakdown.

He couldn't help including himself in on the suffering either.

He thinks he is a victim in this too, not the perpetrator.

Utter shite.

One other thing to remember..how would you feel if you gave him that second chance and each time you argued he brought up that he'd 'chosen' you and was regretting that decision because of your mood or your attitude..insert any excuse here really.
That's what my stbxh did during arguments, to remind me that he had other options so I should be grateful and behave.
He'd also say he only came back for DD1..or that he'd wanted her to have siblings..or that he thought I'd never cope without him. Awful, awful stuff meant to keep me on my toes whilst my self esteem hit rock bottom. Not only because of what he'd done, but I was ashamed of myself for letting him break me. This is the reality of what you may let yourself in for if you take him back.

Haven't posted on your thread but when he said he could come home and "make it all better" I wonder how he had the brass neck.

His only idea for what will make it better so far is that we would both need to put his cheating behind us.

Spoken like a true self-centred emotional pygmy.

OP you have the measure of him. With your DM and friends you won't be alone. Remember you and your lovely boys are a family - not the man who greedily decided he wanted that bit on the side and so carelessly threw what he had away. At any rate don't let people like his dopey sister browbeat you.

PS Whatever you end up deciding, talk to Citizens' Advice and one of the debt advice charities eg www.stepchange.org/
about the financial mess.

Ok. Feeling stronger now. Friend came round. Everyone confirms what I thought about his text, it's still all about him. The concept of at least having a chance of a happier future without him really struck a chord, as did the notion of my boys seeing a bad relationship modelled. I texted him back saying that's not enough for me, no reply.
It's only guilt driving him to say he wants to come back, no real love for me or remorse, isn't it?

Sorry DC I think you're right.

He believes in his heart of hearts that you will have him back. Arrogant wanker [wanker]

This sounds so like my husband. He had a pitiful outburst wanting to come back. He told me I had to forget all about it, that I could never mention it again and that if I didn't forgive I was breaking my marriage vows as it 's for better or worse. I have been so tempted to have him back. It's scary facing the future as a single mum but every time I brought up his affair he either told me how pretty and lovely his other woman was or tried to shift the blame on me for the fact he's cheated. Who wants to live like that. I feel much stronger now I 'm focusing on a future without him and have decided to forget all the fantasies of a better, stronger marriage. You sound as if you're worth so much more than this pathetic man and from your posts it sounds as if deep down you know that. Stay strong

The only marriages that survive affairs are those where the cheat takes full responsibility and ownership of the affair, and works night and day to make things right. The cheat understands that their partner will take as long as they take to get over their treachery, and in fact, that there's a risk they still won't be able to accept it in the end, but that'll be 100% understandable, as they've been lied to, betrayed and humiliated. They understand they will be questioned , their phones/email/lives will have to be completely transparent for as long as it takes to regain trust.

Anything less than this as a rection from the cheat and sadly there's not much chance of working through it.

His reaction is far less than this Hissy, far less. He picked the children up, took them for tea, dropped them back, texted me to say how they had got on/ what eaten etc but nothing more.
I need to accept there's no going back. It's just so upsetting and painful. 13 years wasted.

I know love, I know. :(

Remember the truth of what you'd be 'missing' don't rewrite history.

It was horrific, remember?

You deserve to be loved, be admired, respected and desired.

He used to be nice. Before we had children.

Well after his failure to make any promises he is now ignoring my messages unless they are directly about the dcs. I know, stop messaging, have some dignity, you've lost nothing, etc etc. I know this, but I can't do it.

Oh a reply, I asked him what he would expect me to do if the roles were reversed. Say sorry and never talk about it again. For the sake of the children.

Seriously? He said that? Does he even believe that himself?

Laughable if not so abjectly shit!

It is your decision, your life OP. Don't be influenced by these strangers on an internet form with their own baggage. None of them have ever met you or your DH.

I have no idea what you should do, what would be best for you and your family, but I do know it should be your decision as you have to live with it. It's always like that on here. "To hell with the kids they just want ME to be happy etc."

Stop and think for yourself, this is a huge crossroads in your life.

Another hard day. Despite his half hearted indications that he wants to return home, nothing from him. Not even a Mother's Day card from the dcs. He came and took ds2 to a party. I'm now at my parents with the boys. Dad is really confused which is hard to be around, boys won't settle. I feel upset over bloody Mother's Day. It's going to be one long parade of upset over and over for months and I can't believe he would do it to us.