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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has left me and my 2 boys this morning

519 replies

DickCrack · 08/03/2014 09:58

It's been coming a while. 1 shag in 3 years lots if rows. This morning I found loads of dirty texts he sent to another woman. He's gone now. Ds 5 witnessed a lot of my upset this morning. I'm ashamed. What do I do?

OP posts:
LavenderGreen14 · 27/03/2014 09:00

It would be easier - but he would come back, and a tiny bit of your heart would sink. He isn't able to fix it really - a much as you want him to he can't, it is broken and it is all his fault. And you would never ever trust him again.

So many of us have been where you are, and they come back and we do our utmost to believe they have changed and want it all to be ok again. It is bloody horrid.

Don't try and understand why he did it - there madness lies. He did it because that is the way his brain works - yours doesn't work that way so you will never comprehend it.

Hissy · 27/03/2014 09:36

Lavender's last paragraph is so useful, for so many circumstances.

People are who they are, and they alone are responsible for their own choices.

If they behave in a way that's unacceptable to us, we have absolutely the right to reject that, and them.

We do deserve better than putting up with people not making US a priority.

The other thing I learned is that other people won't make us a priority in their lives, if we aren't a priority in our own lives first.

DC you deserve a better H than this, and your dc deserve a good role model in their lives. That role model can be you: in that you show them what is and isn't acceptable behaviour or treatment of those we love.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/03/2014 12:24

Oh Dick. Of course you want him to come back. But it's not him you want back. It's the old him. Before he was an arsehole. And, sadly, that person has gone. I'm so sorry. He changed everything.

I hope you're ok. I know it's so hard. But you will make it through this.

Hissy · 27/03/2014 14:21

It's the him you HOPED he was. That person only existed in your head.

the person he IS isn't good enough to be with you love.

Original poster
DickCrack · 27/03/2014 14:39

Thank you everyone. I've spent the morning bagging up his clothes. I need to remember what he did to me. I've been lurking on similar threads and I found this :
Never trust a man who "keeps bursting into tears"
It's so fucking insulting (apart from the insult to your intelligence in expecting you to believe his obvious lies about not shagging her).
What has he to be sad about?
You are sad because you just found out your partner has been cheating on you.
He has known about his sordid affair for nearly three years and has enjoyed every second of it.
Was he bursting into tears a few weeks ago?
No.
But he knew all about what he was doing to you then.
He's crying now because he feels sorry for himself.
Because he got caught.
That is selfish, self-indulgent crap.

OP posts:
Hissy · 27/03/2014 16:04

I know it's bloody awful to keep reminding yourself of that, but think about the alternative...

forgetting
letting this prick do it to you AGAIN

Cos you know he will if he gets away with it this time.

:( sorry!

Original poster
DickCrack · 27/03/2014 16:33

Well I emptied the huge wardrobe, bagged up 9 bin bags of his stuff. Sadly it's all got wet in the rain. Then I tidied out all my stuff, cleaned the inside of the wardrobe, moved all the shelves and rails and put my stuff in nicely, to suit me alone. I have a large crate of stuff to eBay tonight. I think I'm going to declutter my way through this.
Still not feeling too well and still having panic attacks. Feeling much less inclined to ask him to come home though.
Thank you ladies for the support. I'm finding it really helpful, none of my close friends has been through this.

OP posts:
Hissy · 27/03/2014 16:39

You're doing fine love.

Just take each day as it comes. Some days you will struggle, that's normal.

When you find yourself having a tough day, just tell yourself that it'll pass and tomorrow will be better.

The tough times do get further and further apart.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/03/2014 17:44

Dick you are a superstar! What a brilliant way to keep busy and give yourself a real sense of achievement.

You are bound to feel crap at the moment. Your bpsy and mind are still processing the shock and pain. But time will help you. As will the DC and your loved ones. Keep going x

Original poster
DickCrack · 28/03/2014 08:47

I struggled again last night, nights are the worst, I can keep busy in the day and then the boys keep me busy until their bedtime. But I can't just sit and be. I am so upset that he was screwing around when our baby was so small, it's spoiled everything.

OP posts:
CurtWild · 28/03/2014 09:38

dc I've lurked on your thread and think you're brill. I'm newly separated, but it took me another three years of shit to finally open me eyes to who he was. My stbxh had a 'thing' (never fully found out the details) with an 18 yr old which started when DD1 was around 5/6 weeks old.
So while I was struggling with recovering from c-section, spending my nights awake with a baby who constantly fed because my milk was in short supply etc..he was out doing eff knows what with this lass and claiming he 'wasn't coping with fatherhood' so needed to be with his mates. He wrecked my first wonderful few months with DD1. I'll never forgive him for sullying the memories of those precious times with our newborn. I'm not even sure how I moved on from it and stayed with him for as long as I did; it should have been game over right there and then. Of course if it had, I wouldn't have gone on to have our lovely twins.
Stay strong, I threw myself into re-decorating for those first couple of weeks alone..it kept me busy and was amazingly theraputic.

Original poster
DickCrack · 28/03/2014 09:43

Thank you curtwild - sounds so similar. I too was recovering from disasterous birth and very sick baby while he was down the lane with her. Did you take him back for a while? How did that go? X

OP posts:
CurtWild · 28/03/2014 10:28

You just can't fathom how they'd do that to you, probably at the time you need them the most and you're at your most vulnerable.
We separated for a while but I had nowhere to go so we still lived together, which was equally atrocious, seeing him get ready to go out (of course it was in the open now so I knew where he was going and it killed me) and he said he needed 'time to think'. I was weak and I just let him get on with it while I concentrated on DD1. He kept hinting that he wanted to be with me and I told him it was her or me because I was close to packing up and going to my parents.
We got back together after 4 awful months of him mooching about, and things were really good for a while. He changed after this though, like he was punishing me for him choosing me and DD1 over her. We went on to have twins (DD1 is now 3 and twins 16 months) but his behaviour was becoming increasingly more abusive and I finally moved into my own home with my DC about six weeks ago.
I don't regret taking him back after his 'fling' but things were never the same, I managed to trust him again but there was always that 'what if I shouldn't' lurking in the back of my mind. And it's such a huge betrayal to get over.

Original poster
DickCrack · 28/03/2014 10:45

I just cried and sobbed and humiliated myself on the phone to him. He says he can come home and make it all better.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 28/03/2014 10:47

Oh DC please be careful.

Original poster
DickCrack · 28/03/2014 10:50

Careful?

OP posts:
LavenderGreen14 · 28/03/2014 11:18

He can't make it better - him coming home is not the solution is it?

Are you going to let him come back?

Original poster
DickCrack · 28/03/2014 11:19

I don't know lavender. I hate this. Today is my worst day.

OP posts:
CurtWild · 28/03/2014 11:20

He might try to make it better. You might try to trust him. But believe me, it will never be the same again.

LavenderGreen14 · 28/03/2014 11:24

well please don't make any decisions today when you are low - he isn't able to fix this, he has been unfaithful. Do you want to spend the rest of your life living with him knowing he has got away with it before, and may well do it again. The checking up and stress will grind you down to nothing.

Original poster
DickCrack · 28/03/2014 11:25

It was bad before. His only idea for what will make it better so far is that we would both need to put his cheating behind us.
It's nonsense isn't it?
He can't even be bothered to make rash promises.

OP posts:
Decco · 28/03/2014 11:39

This is one of the hardest bits. I listened many times to half hearted promises. You're right, it is complete nonsense and the opposite of any genuine remorse. It is not possible to put his cheating behind you in the near future, not even for years.

In my humble opinion the only way you can recover well is without him. It is excruciating because your pain would ease slightly for a short time if he did come back but it wouldn't last, he would still be a cheating, lying scummy person. I have had practically the same experience with newborn second child, it just feels horrendous. Read chumplady.com. Keep him away from you wherever and whenever possible. He is not your friend.

Original poster
DickCrack · 28/03/2014 11:45

decco I'm sorry you went through it as well. Thanks for your comments. It's hard because I thought he was my friend, I thought we were in it together. I can't understand why he isn't promising counselling, changed behaviour, everything. I just can't understand it. What happened to you in the end?

OP posts:
CurtWild · 28/03/2014 11:45

He'll expect you to brush it under the carpet like it never happened. This is what my stbxh did. And if I mentioned it, I was living in the past. His only promise was that it wouldn't happen again and I'd have to trust him. Like you, I just wanted my relationship back, we had a tiny baby and I wanted her to have a family so I agreed. And instead of him being humbled that I was willing to try again, I was supposed to be thankful that he'd 'chosen' us.
I didn't realise then that it was the beginning of further heartache, a long drawn out death. It took me 3 years to finally say 'enough'. And mean it.
Please don't make any decisions while you're feeling so low.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/03/2014 11:58

Dc I meant be careful with your heart.

Look, he's upset because he stands to lose his cosy family set up. He's upset because he's been caught. He's upset because you have the temerity to be kicking him out.

He hasn't said "I want to come back because I love you and I will do everything and anything I can to make this mess better and become the kind of person who deserves you and your love and trust".

He's said none of that. Because all he wants is to sweep this under the carpet, get his feet back under the table and for you to forgive and forget.

It's so hard. So fucking hard. Even now I have bad days. Days when all I want is my ex to hold me and say it was all a terrible mistake. But that's not realistic and would solve nothing

Big unMNy hugs to you dc