My partner has left me and my 2 boys this morning

[DickCrack]

It's been coming a while. 1 shag in 3 years lots if rows. This morning I found loads of dirty texts he sent to another woman. He's gone now. Ds 5 witnessed a lot of my upset this morning. I'm ashamed. What do I do?

BitOutOfPractice...don't want to make this about me but please do look up my thread...you won't believe what you're reading unfortunately. Yes this is very very common although my situation is slightly different in that the OW had only been widowed for 6 months before she got involved with my H. Dickcrack, you need to give yourself time and space but it will come right in the end! x

Oh mrsc so sorry you are going through this too. Today was a brighter day, I took my boys to a theme park. It was ds2s birthday treat. His dad was obv meant to be going when it was planned but since it became apparent he is a cock of the lowest order, I took my mum. Pretty tired with house in mess and gp appt in the morning to discuss meds etc. rang ex tonight to ask if he will take bits to school in morning as I am at docs, he's weeping and wailing, saying he loves me, wants to come home, has lost everything.

Good God DickCrack is he really?! I presume that it didn't have the desired effect? Glad to hear that you had a lovely day, it's things like this that keep you going. I nearly had a breakdown in Homebase today, you've got to laugh, I think it was all the families milling around, strange things set you off! Tomorrow's another day....keep smiling chick, you can get through this! :-)

Thank you MrsC, I've had a few of those moments already. Ds1 suggested that ds2 calls him daddy now he doesn't have one at home. Ds1 is 5.
It made me feel better, that he is so unhappy. I want him to suffer for what he has done. That's probably not a helpful emotion.
Has your ex shown any regret?

It's not pleasant is it Dickcrack...your poor DS1, little soul. These stupid men do not realise the life wrecking results of their behaviour. I wouldn't mind but my H has struggled his whole life with his parents divorce but saw fit to put his only child (and his stepdaughter) through this. You do wonder. Yes, I can imagine that it does give you some satisfaction that he is miserable. It may not be a helpful emotion but whatever gets you through the day at the moment...eventually you'll just feel pity for him I would have thought. No mine doesn't appear to have any regrets at the moment. It is hard to guage, he is in that honeymoon stage of love but he moved in with her immediately, after 14 years with me, she is a new widow, they are trying to hide it so it doesn't affect her business and reputation and all they do is abuse me and blame me. He did text a mutual friend saying "don't make my mistakes, work at your marriage" but I think that was because he was feeling sorry for himself. He has given up everything except the clothes on his back for this woman, his family, friends, everything. They think that is happiness? Really?! Do you think you will give your ex a second chance? Do you think that there is any way back or have you had it now? I hope your DS's are OK, I really feel for them, it's hard to watch your kids suffer and pick up the pieces :-(.

Part of me wants to say come home just to make this stop. But I despise him, he behaved despicably. So I don't know.
How are your children taking it MrsC?
I think the damage is irreparable, to me anyway.

Do you really despise him or are you just furiously enraged with him because of what he has put you through? Is there any chance of counselling or family therapy of some sort? Even if it doesn't result in rekindling, it might be worth considering given the circumstances. He will probably agree to it as he's feeling all hard done by at the moment and it might be worth a shot, even to give you some closure if nothing else. Regarding children, my DD has cut off her stepfather but her behaviour has been pretty rubbish since and she has some other issues (recovering anorexic) so he really did pick his moment and has probably done her irreparable damage, she is 15. My son is being statemented for ASD, he is 3. He is fine mostly, we do get a lot of "where's my Daddy" and of course I have to scrape him off the floor after every access visit while H swans off back to his trout and goes down the "out of sight out of mind" route! It's the damages to everybody else that these selfish, self centred individuals do that I can't come to terms with :-(

I really despise him. For what he's put me and the children through.
He is insisting that he keeps his keys so he can come in and out the house to do 'jobs'. Like cutting lawn etc.

I suggest you retort you can cut your own bloody lawn. You're doing everything else anyway.

Does he co-own the house?

Yes he does. I want it sold ASAP, I don't want him having any ties to me other than the children. Fucking fucker.

No, you are dead right, he has NO right to do ANY jobs on YOUR home, and he does NOT have your permission to intrude on your space.

how dare he!

If there are any jobs needing doing, YOU are more than capable of getting them done. Without him.

Tell him to sod off! Cheeky bugger...talk about wanting it both ways! How are you today DickCrack, any developments?

I'm quite low today. I'm poorly with a chest infection and feeling hot and cold. I tried to sort out all our money earlier and feel really panicked about the debt we have, frightening levels of debt.

Oh bless you, my teenager has that at the moment, nasty. Try and look after yourself as your immunity will be low. I was very ill after my H left, cold after cold, chest infection then two weeks of gastroenteritis after which I developed extremely high blood pressure despite 2 stone weightloss and a heart problem. All down to screwed up immune system and stress so please take care, believe me I know how shit it is. Have you sought help with debts before? If not, now is the time to do it. Lots of help available, first stop CAB who will point you to all the free debt advice agencies you can get helps from. StepChange I think is the other one that used to be National Debt Line. Certainly getting some serious professional help with that will help you regain some control. Is this anything to do with H leaving do you think? Debt stress can break even the strongest marriages. This is not insurmountable, I promise! x

Ah MrsC thanks for your message. Gp said I was really run down, I feel crap.
Debt was a worry but manageable on two incomes and resolvable once ds2 started school. I'm worried I will have to rely on him for money and I can't trust him, obviously.
How are you doing MrsC?
hissy he spent a long time claiming up have forgotten to drop his keys back, now he's simply refusing to give me them.

So if he wants keys to your house, presumably he's given you keys to his, as well as the freedom to come around whenever you want. While your assets are still joint then the family pot is also paying for his flat, so it's only fair you have equal access, yes? See how he likes those apples.

Stay strong DC x

Love that Finney2....!

I am fine thanks DickCrack, same shit different day, you know how it is.

Please please seek advice on the debt, it is resolvable whatever situation you find yourself in.

It seems to me that he doesn't want to make the final break, of course he doesn't, he's realised what a huge mistake he's actually made. I wish mine would! x

No he's not given me any keys. He is sobbing and crying down the phone about this being the biggest mistake of his life but not making any suggestion to address things, like counselling or something. He says he loves his family and I am part of it but he hasn't said he loves me.
I'm not sure why this matters. I could never trust him again or respect myself if I went back to him. And I don't miss him being here, I just feel so sad for my boys.
I want him to beg to come home and make the promises I want to hear.
I'm so mixed up

Sadly this 'facesaving' and rewriting history is another part of their script.

Just remember what kind of marriage you had, no sex, his cheating, total lack of respect for you or the family.

All the tears in the world that he sheds are caused by hum and him alonetbh, one day you'll be grateful that you found him out, because otherwise you might have had to put up with that awfully sad and pointless marriage for YEARS longer.

As fragile as you feel now, you may one day find someone who does value you and your boys better, and you get to be the truly happy and fulfilled woman that you deserve to be.

Stay strong lovey, this is a phase. When the tears pass (his) don't be surprised if all the overtures of love turn to frustration and anger. If and when that comes, know too that it's a phase and will pass.

Oh hissy thank you, that was exactly the right thing to say.

And him sobbing etc, it is all about him isn't it? Poor him and his sadness. What about you and the boys huh? I agree, stray strong and ignore his self pitying nonsense.

I agree with LavenderGreen14 : this is still all about him. He's crying because he's lost the things he likes - the DC, the washing, ironing, cooking and cleaning you do.

What he isn't saying is telling you all you need to know, sadly.

I am better off without him aren't I? But if he's so upset why isn't he just saying what I want to hear?
I didn't want to be a single parent, I'm devastated for my boys, I know they would want him back.

You are better off, and you are stronger than anything he will ever be. Totally get you about not wanting to be a single parent, and it is devastating, but you can get and do deserve so much more.

Thanks lavender - it would be so easy to say come home, the thought of the future is scary. I despise him, he cheated when ds2 was just 4 months old. 16 weeks before he was sticking his penis in her mouth down a lane he watched me have an emcs after 69 hours in labour, haemorrhage and loose half my blood. He said he was so frightened I would die. So that's what he did?