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Original poster

Please help - situation with good male friend

57 replies

TwattyBojangles · 06/03/2014 22:53

I don't even know where to start with this one. Sorry, it may be long.

I have a friend, lets call him Bob. Bob and I have been friends with 'undertones' for 10 years. Nothing sexual has ever happened, but for some reason we've always been drawn to each other. We get on fantastically, have both always liked each other, and in a way I've felt like I'd end up with him from the day we met.

In these 10 years, I've had relationships during which we've stayed in touch. Bob has had one serious, long term (3 years) and long distance relationship that he is still in now. During my last relationship I pretty much went NC with Bob, as I knew my feelings for him were too much to keep him as a friend. I had a child, the relationship with my ex broke down and I am now a single parent.

Bob always tried to maintain contact, and about a month after my ex and I broke up I finally got in touch with him again. Since then, we've texted/spoken nearly every day. He is still in his long distance relationship, and I am still very much single.

We both know we like each other. We always have. Nothing will happen. It's killing me, I know it needs to stop, but he's such a great friend and I'm finding it really hard to cut all ties again.

I know this is so stupid. I really do. And I know what I should do, so why can't I?

A few months ago we had a while of NC after a silly tiff. After this, we both acknowledged that our friendship was not helping either of us, and yet we've both been sucked straight back into it.

Again, I'd like to point out there has been nothing sexual. He has not been unfaithful and I'd never want to put him in that sort of position. There's just this funny thing that draws us to each other and we find it so difficult to cut it off again.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwattyBojangles · 06/03/2014 22:57

Also I'd like to point out, there is nothing sleazy, he's not trying to have his cake and eat it. I've been coupled up more than he has and nothing has ever overstepped the mark.

OP posts:
WidowWadman · 06/03/2014 23:01

What is the problem? Why can't you be friends?

Original poster
TwattyBojangles · 06/03/2014 23:05

Because I'm not sure our friendship would be healthy. It's not really a case of 'Oh look, there's twatty and bob having a laugh, what great friends they are', there's clearly something more. I just don't quite want to give that up!

I suppose he's done his time with me having boyfriends, and now it's my turn. I am not enjoying my turn.

OP posts:
Gretagumbo · 06/03/2014 23:08

Why don't you both just take the plunge! Have the talk! Does he want to stay in his current relationship?

deepest · 06/03/2014 23:08

What is the problem? - Why cant you be lovers?

Dirtybadger · 06/03/2014 23:10

I'm not sure that he is being faithful. I'd be gutted if my dp of 3 years spoke to someone they fancied (essentially) every day. You went NC during your relationship because you recognised that it wasn't right. He hasn't recognised this?

Dirtybadger · 06/03/2014 23:11

Bob is in a relationship deepest.

Original poster
TwattyBojangles · 06/03/2014 23:14

deepest lovers? I'm not quite sure what you mean? I have no intentions of an affair with this man!

greta, we have gotten precariously close to this conversation. I don't want to ask the ins and outs of his relationship, and when he's tried to tell me how he feels all I've been able to say is that I can't comment, and I can't say the things I'd say to him if he was single!

OP posts:
Original poster
TwattyBojangles · 06/03/2014 23:17

dirty I know this is edging on an EA. That is exactly what I wanted to avoid when I was with my ex. But, and I know it's a really stupid but, we've been friends for a very long time, and so it almost doesn't feel like that, if you know what I mean.

OP posts:
Sortyourmakeupout · 06/03/2014 23:25

He has a girlfriend so its probably wise to back off.

if he knows your keen but hasnt bothered making a move I would walk away.

your not being fair to his gf.

Dirtybadger · 06/03/2014 23:30

I'd second backing off. He's a big boy and if he is serious about giving it a go he should leave his dp rather than "negotiate" whilst with her. It would be a poor reflection upon him if he chose to do the latter.

MooncupGoddess · 06/03/2014 23:34

If you have such a strong connection then how come you've never got together? Could it be that you both enjoy the sexual tension, rather than actually wanting a relationship?

Original poster
TwattyBojangles · 06/03/2014 23:36

I don't know if he knows I'm keen though. Whenever he's tried to mention how he feels to me I've shut him off as I don't feel it's my place to be telling him how I feel while he has a girlfriend.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwattyBojangles · 06/03/2014 23:36

mooncup either I've been with someone, or he has

OP posts:
beaglesaresweet · 06/03/2014 23:38

exactly, why can't he break up with gf (seems like they don't have big plans?) andthen approach you, as you say it's obvious you fancy him.
I mean, you COULD makehte first step and tell him what you think/feel, but in this case he'd be a passive side, and you'll wonder how much really he wanted to be with you.

beaglesaresweet · 06/03/2014 23:40

did he try to tell you how he felt before he had a GF?

MooncupGoddess · 06/03/2014 23:40

But if you liked each other that much surely you or he could have ended your existing relationship?

Original poster
TwattyBojangles · 06/03/2014 23:40

beagle I think you've hit the nail on the head. I want him to somehow show how much he likes me. But then, I've never exactly made it clear to him. What a mess!

OP posts:
Original poster
TwattyBojangles · 06/03/2014 23:42

beagle after my ex and I split up, he told me that he'd always liked me, I asked why he hadn't told me at the time, and he said he didn't think it would make a difference.

OP posts:
beaglesaresweet · 06/03/2014 23:43

and why instead of 'shutting down' can't you say to him that you wouldn't want an affair? then possibly (if he really is unsure how you feel) he'll know that the only obstacle is his relationship ( which he doesn't seem to become closer anyway).

beaglesaresweet · 06/03/2014 23:45

cross posted a bit with your latest. If you genuinely think he may not know how you feel, try the above approach (my last post). At least it would open a dialogue.

beaglesaresweet · 06/03/2014 23:46

'to want to become closer' I meant.

deepest · 06/03/2014 23:48

Lifes too short tell him you like him to - tell him to ditch is girlfriend and then get on with it.....you can only lose face but you could have the love of your life...if he is not in the same place then -- whats the point of ths flirting stuff?

Original poster
TwattyBojangles · 06/03/2014 23:54

It just feels so wrong to almost put conditions on him? Surely he has to make the decision to leave his girlfriend on his own?

Oh god, maybe I'm not being clear enough with him. I really like him, and I think he feels the same.

OP posts:
deepest · 07/03/2014 00:01

Well then make it clear - the only condition is that you will not sleep with him if he is with someone else -- that is not unreasonable....if he thinks it is an reasonable condition then he is neither a good friend or potential lover...just text him