Please help - situation with good male friend

[TwattyBojangles]

I don't even know where to start with this one. Sorry, it may be long.

I have a friend, lets call him Bob. Bob and I have been friends with 'undertones' for 10 years. Nothing sexual has ever happened, but for some reason we've always been drawn to each other. We get on fantastically, have both always liked each other, and in a way I've felt like I'd end up with him from the day we met.

In these 10 years, I've had relationships during which we've stayed in touch. Bob has had one serious, long term (3 years) and long distance relationship that he is still in now. During my last relationship I pretty much went NC with Bob, as I knew my feelings for him were too much to keep him as a friend. I had a child, the relationship with my ex broke down and I am now a single parent.

Bob always tried to maintain contact, and about a month after my ex and I broke up I finally got in touch with him again. Since then, we've texted/spoken nearly every day. He is still in his long distance relationship, and I am still very much single.

We both know we like each other. We always have. Nothing will happen. It's killing me, I know it needs to stop, but he's such a great friend and I'm finding it really hard to cut all ties again.

I know this is so stupid. I really do. And I know what I should do, so why can't I?

A few months ago we had a while of NC after a silly tiff. After this, we both acknowledged that our friendship was not helping either of us, and yet we've both been sucked straight back into it.

Again, I'd like to point out there has been nothing sexual. He has not been unfaithful and I'd never want to put him in that sort of position. There's just this funny thing that draws us to each other and we find it so difficult to cut it off again.

[Lottystar]

Op, it seems to me you are both going to-ing and fro-ing scared to go beyond this imposed line of just friendship. Obviously that's because you have both been in and out if relationships, could it be a matter of bad timing? (Both in relationships at different times?) Or are you afraid a relationship, if it went wrong, could damage your friendship? I think you are both in danger of being unfair to his gf as there are clear feelings involved here, although nothing sexual or explicit. Better to face and resolve this. Be honest with him and see how he reacts. Explain your fears and feelings. If he has indicated he cares for you in the past perhaps he is scared to tred this ground again incase you reject him. He could just be 'the one'.

[Twinklestein]

Just ask him! How serious up his ldr is, and is there any likelihood that he would ever be interested in a relationship with you? Cuz you need to know.

If he turns you down you can avoid him for a bit and go back to being friends.

[MrsCakesPremonition]

Say "I am attracted to you and I find it really hard to be your friend without wanting things to move further. You are in a relationship and so I think I need to give you some space because I am not coping well with being just good friends".
See what he says.

[cafecito]

sometimes the decisions we regret most are the ones we don't make at all - you're not making the decision to risk it by being more honest about your feelings, yet in not doing it you are throwing away years of clarity. I have been in a situation similar to yours though it was rather obvious there was a relationship of sorts and yet as both of us were in relationships though for me at the end of one, the real problem was that he was held back because I missed loads of highly overt comments and signals as I was equally held back by some huge constraints over not wanting to be the one to actually tackle the subject and the result was the stuff of a bizarre black comedy where everything that mattered was so obvious to everyone yet the only factor that went unsaid. So it resulted in me leaving my job, changing career, going totally NC. It was horrendously difficult.

To this day, years later, I regret not having the bravery to step forward and respond to cues and be more honest and open. I frequently bump into this person in public, which is bizarre in itself, and it feels no easier now than it did 4/5 years ago, no easier even if I have been seeing other people - which fails horribly as a direct result of the irresolution of this particular matter - everyone is compared and held up to this standard and frankly I don't see that changing in another year, or another 10 years, unless something is said about it as the depth of feeling is still there.

We may only get one shot at this life and if you never let him know how you feel you may always both be in this peculiar situation. I'm also not sure this can continue without damage to your friendship as other relationships evolve ,and I hope you can find a way to not lose contact entirely while making certain that you have explicitly conveyed how you feel.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I think Bob likes you but doesn't fancy you. Otherwise he would have made a move on you.

[AnandaTimeIn]

Bob always tried to maintain contact, and about a month after my ex and I broke up I finally got in touch with him again.

Well, I think you are cruel to keep Bob as the "back-up" guy.

How would you feel if a guy treated you like that?

[oliviamelissa]

I agree with deepest, Life is too short and too lonely at the best of times. You have been friends for over 10 years, he has told you how he feels about you and you have been the one to shut down when he has tried to reach out to you. He has stood the test of time. Tell him how you feel, if you don't you will never know, it may just be the best conversation that you ever have. If not at least you tried and you will be able to move on with your life.

[Logg1e]

I agree with Amanda. It's not the romance of the century if neither of you have prioritised the other. It just sounds as though he's the Steady Eddie you're turning to now there's no one else around.

[212smj]

I had a 'friend' like this for 12 years. Through that time we both had relationships with other people and I had spent the best part of that 12 year friendship thinking he was 'the one' and that eventually we'd be together when the time was right......
Fast forward to us finally getting together and we were in a relationship for 3 years, when I realised that the 12 year friendship wasn't this awesome base for a relationship but it had been a toxic flirtation that ruined every relationship I ever had when we were friends! We had both put this stupid romantic spin on things that truthfully was probably nothing more than a build up of sexual tension! We just let it build up too long. We broke up about 5 years ago and we have zero contact now. I look back with utter abhorrence that I allowed this friendship to become so toxic an influence on all of my other relationships, simply because I romanticized a flirtation.

I'm sorry to say that it worked out like that, but it's one of the biggest regrets of my life. I cannot look back on how I was then without shuddering and feeling utterly foolish.

Either scratch the itch or move on, but don't waste more time building up romantic ideas. I wish I never had.

I hope he is the love of your life and your experience isn't like mine, but it could be. You both may have built sexual tension/flirtation up to fever pitch!

Good luck whatever you do.

[TwattyBojangles]

log, he's not a steady Eddie, it's more circumstance than anything else. Bobs job has meant during the last 10 years he's been working abroad a lot, sometimes for years. I've also moved around a bit too.

I've got lots to think about here... And a slight wine head on. Ick.

[Casmama]

It sounds like you are a bit of a safety net for each other- when single/lonely you are someone for each other to fixate on but when in a relationship with someone else it feels a bit much.

I think Mrscakes advice is good- tell him you are backing off and why and if he doesn't do anything about it then you are not his priority.

[Kandypane]

Oh FFS. Do you want this situation continuing for more years? Instead of all this naval gazing why for out jut grow a set and tell him how you feel. Balls in his court what he then does with this information.

Simple.

[littleballerina]

Dp and I were close friends for over twenty years beforewe were brave enough to admit that we had feelings for each other.
We fit perfectly.

[JollyGolightly]

Come clean.
Be clear that you don't want an illicit affair.
Then back off.

[Wigsy]

I wish I knew you in RL to listen to you talk about this over an afternoon. You sound like me 14 years ago before I took the plunge to be with my best friend of 10 years. Best decision I ever, ever made.

Be honest. Really really no-nonsense elbows-on-table honest with yourself.

Do you want Bob, or the way Bob makes you feel?

Can you trust him?

Can he trust you?

If you like/love him and are genuinely there for him in life, good times and bad times, let him know.

When did you last see him in person? How has his being in a long-term relationship made you feel? Honestly?

[beaglesaresweet]

well why not make sure he knows how you feel by saying you wouldn't want an affair with anyone - see if he then says he'd be happy to finish his r-ship for you. Obviously no need to raise this subject, but next time he tries to tell you how he feels (which he does reguularly buy the sound of it). It's a waste of time wondering what if he doesn't know how you feel. Make it's clear without spelling it out with love declarations. It's still then up to himto take initiative, but if he start asking for any 'guarantees' obviiously say that you can only see how it goes. If he does want guarantees and wouldn't take a risk and split up, then it's not wort it.

[beaglesaresweet]

cross posted with most posters, before seeing 2d page

[beaglesaresweet]

sorry for many typos

[TwattyBojangles]

Thank you everyone. I don't think we're back up for each other, we've just never been single at the same time and in the same country. He's never told me how he's felt while I've been in a relationship, so I kind of feel I owe him the same?



I think I am worried about losing face. He's asked me if I've wanted more and I've always played it cool. I suppose I just don't want to come across desperate. I even organised another date (that I cancelled ffs!) and he knows this.

[beaglesaresweet]

sorry but this sound quite irrational from you ! why the heck are you playing cool so much? how can you lose face if HE suggested going further by asking you if you wanted more? If you said 'yes, but not while you are in r-ship' that would just put you on equal footing, not 'lose face', as he's already confessed.
Are you actually sure you want more?

[TwattyBojangles]

Maybe I am being a twat. I'm not very good at talking about emotions or really admitting I have any!

[Allofaflumble]

Nothing more tedious than trying to drag someone's emotions out in a relationship. Maybe Bob's current girlfriend is less complicated than you. Most men prefer an easy ride and hate angst and analysis.

[Allofaflumble]

PS. I feel sorry for the girlfriend to be honest. Sounds like you are both using each other to avoid reality.

[TDada]

Sounds as though you savour this foreplay.

[TDada]

Is he your ideal man or a Mr Fallback?