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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

soooo my husbands slept with someone else..

150 replies

Humbug0108 · 04/03/2014 17:13

that's it really, been together 8years married for nearly 2. have had a nice few Facebook messages from said skanky girls sent me photos and messages from the 2weeks that they've known each other for. sorry feel a bit disjointed at the moment

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 04/03/2014 18:23

Wow, I bet he feels like an utter dick? Can you be sure this is the first time he has done it?

Technical · 04/03/2014 18:34

Wow, he was incredibly unlucky that the first woman he slept with (rather than just talked to) messaged his wife after just 2 weeks.

Let your friend take very good care of you tonight

Fairenuff · 04/03/2014 18:42

He falls into the 'sorry he got caught' camp, not sorry he did it.

If he hadn't been caught he would still be doing it.

Oh yeah, and he lied when you asked him too.

comicsansisevil · 04/03/2014 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hamptoncourt · 04/03/2014 20:03

So sorry this has happened to you. Sounds like the usual drip feed of what he actually has done. As comic said he will probably follow The Script.

Don't forget to get STD checked. Sorry.

mammadiggingdeep · 04/03/2014 20:21

She called you a mug??????? Fucking cheek.

You should message her back and say
"No love, you're the mug. He has a very bad case of herpes. Get to a clinic...you mug"

Not really- dont do that, but my god what a piece of work.

Hope you're ok- glad you're with you're friend

handfulofcottonbuds · 04/03/2014 21:09

Humbug, I'm so sorry you're going through this and have found out in such an awful way.

OW sounds 'delightful'! I do hope he wasn't sleeping with you since, you will need to have an STI check. Sorry to be blunt and I'm sure you've already thought about that.

What an awful thing to do to you and also for her, who now has clearly no interest in your H - why has she felt the need to send you photos? She sounds sick in the head!!

Let your friend hug you lots tonight, talk until you can't keep your eyes open and take time to decide what you want to do.

Lots of us have been there sadly, you will get lots of support on here.

Original poster
Humbug0108 · 05/03/2014 00:07

I've booked in for an still test earliest they've got is the 18th so my friends coming with me (I know I am a grown women but just wanted some hand holding I suppose) its all a big mess going to try and get some sleep will update in the morning. you've all been amazing thank you

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 05/03/2014 00:09

Oh OP, you're right, goingto the STI clinic is grim Sad

IME they have walk in sessions - I'd try and get it over asap

handfulofcottonbuds · 05/03/2014 00:46

It's fine to have a friend to go with you, you'll need your close friends.

When I had mine after my stbxh started his affair, the doctor could not have been more kind and sensitive. It really was done in a sensitive way.

Hope you sleep, take care.

Bogeyface · 05/03/2014 01:18

I would say that going to the STI isnt grim.

They are professional, kind and understanding. They only ask questions about symptoms or if you have been at risk and they understand if you say "Yes I believe I may have been at risk" but dont want to give details.

Its no worse than a smear, apart from in your head. It will be fine.

Good luck with whatever you decide xx

BitOutOfPractice · 05/03/2014 01:44

Sorry, I wasn't clear. The process itself is not grim, no. I found the HCPs there to be so kind and professional. And the whole thing was quick and painless. What I meant was that it is emotionally grim because of the reasons that have taken you there. It can be emotional so taking a friend is a great idea

Christmascandles · 05/03/2014 07:22

Morning humbug, how are you today.

Emotionally I know you will be all over the place. You don't need to make any decisions about your future. It doesn't have to be a Deal breaker. For some it is and others work through it and come out the other side with their marriage / relationship intact. So please don't worry about that.

IME there is the cheaters script.
Deny
Delete
Minimise

Deny it happened, then when faced with evidence, they minimise. Only admitting to what they think they can get away with. At the same time they will delete all texts, emails etc.

Drip feeding is some thing else you may get.

Please ignore and block the woman from FB. yes a lot of women would want to be told that they have been cheated on and there's been many a debate on here regarding this, but not to be told in such a horrible way. She's told you, now ignore her.

Very often it is a good idea to get him to leave to give you some space. It also makes him realise what living apart from you would look like.

Yes he will say it's the first time he's cheated. Personally I would look for evidence to confirm that, but i know it's not for everyone.

Finally, and I'm sorry this is long but I know exactly how you are feeling! this is not your fault. He did not cheat because of something you did or didn't do. He cheated because he is an entitled twunt who thought he could get away with it.
Oh and carry on trusting your instincts, even if they sometimes give us an odd message that we can't quite decipher, they are very rarely wrong.

Original poster
Humbug0108 · 05/03/2014 07:56

morning, so I slept for about 2 hours last night we were talking at 4am. he can stay at his mums from Friday onwards as that's when her spare room will be ready. he's cried and said sorry and that he wants me and that he wants to make things right with me. got some more messages from her throughout the night about how i'm a mug and everyone's laughing behind my back and everyone knows he's not happy and doesn't want me - she'll have the last laugh etc etc she also messaged him at the same time saying choose her and to go over. he doesn't want to he says and wants to cut contact. my heads all over the place I feel like vomiting constantly, have eaten 1/4 of a bagel and 1/4 of a muffin in the past 24hrs so hey ho at least I'll lose some weight going through this (sad attempt at humor I know) DS doesn't know anything knows i'm off work today with a tummy ache as he heard me being sick, my first thought is that he doesn't need to know anything is wrong at the moment. thanks guys by the way he has read most of your replys as I want him to know your thoughts on it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Humbug0108 · 05/03/2014 07:57

sorry for lack of paragraphs and punctuation, usually i'm on top of that.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 05/03/2014 08:03

What a nasty childish litter scrap of crap from the gutter she is.

I'd pop a bow round him and let her have her 'wonderful' prize.

The pair of them deserve each other.

Sorry you feeling so awful....have your RL friends round you and chuck his pathetic....unfaithful ass out Hmm

handfulofcottonbuds · 05/03/2014 08:03

Morning Humbug.

I'm glad you slept a little. The lack of appetite is understandable, I lived on bananas and yoghurt for 2 months. Eat little and often and drink plenty of water.

You need some space so I'm pleased you will get that from Friday.

This OW really needs to be cut off, blocked whatever! She sounds desperate to 'win' over you! Your H also needs to cut contact with her and show you that he has. What he has done is very wrong but if you are going to talk things through then this OW needs to be out of the picture and unable to contact both of you completely or it will get more toxic.

My advice is take your time over what you want to do. This is your grief, this is your decision and your H needs to respect your space.

tribpot · 05/03/2014 08:06

Please block her on FB - you have no need to put up with her poison.

Will he go and stay in a hotel until Friday? Seems all a bit too convenient that the room won't be ready til then, like he's hoping to have worn you down before then.

At some point you may want to share things on here that you don't want him to read - just a warning.

Get him out so you have a chance to collect your thoughts properly. Make sure you lean on your friends - don't feel obliged to keep his shabby little secret. He made the choice to put a bomb under your marriage and he doesn't get a say in where the pieces land.

He doesn't need to "want to cut contact", btw, he just does it.

CaptainHindsight · 05/03/2014 08:06

Block the OW on Facebook, you don't need that sort of emotional battering from that needy,insecure cow bag.

Laughing at you indeed? Grin
There has been enough threads on here posted by the OW to show the disdain and disgust for people like her and your H. That comment says more about the paramecium types she chooses to spend her time with rather than people in general. Immoral, pathetic little gossips with loose lips and even looser underwear.

Don't give "people" another thought!

You have told us what your H wants, this isn't about him. He has forfeited the right to wants for the time being. What do you want?

Fairenuff · 05/03/2014 08:11

Well if he's reading, I might as well tell him straight that, if he has any regard for your feelings at all, he would get himself out of that house straight away and give you some time and space to think.

So what if mummy doesn't have his bed made up yet. He can kip on a friend's sofa. Whatever. That's his problem.

OP you do not have to accommodate him, let him sort himself out.

Take care, try to rest and eat when you can. A little soup now and again might stay down a bit easier x

Logg1e · 05/03/2014 08:15

Are you planning on staying with your friend until he moves out on Friday?

I'm afraid I'd want to inconvenience him somewhat.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 05/03/2014 08:16

You need to block her and forget her.

And deal with him.

Get your head straight about how you feel about what has happened, and then take it from there. As Captain says, he no longer gets to decide. And that is going to be freaking him out.

Be wary also of believing his side of things. He is so far working very closely to The Script.

Has he told you yet she's a mad stalker who made him put his penis inside her against his will? That will be next.

Try and eat something and cry and rant and rage with your friends. Then get your shit together, with them, and on here, and scare the fucking daylights out of him about how cool you are and how much he has lost.

captainmummy · 05/03/2014 08:26

God some people are just evil! to write messages like that to someone who is already reeling - well, all I can hope is that the same happens to her one day. She sounds like a teenage girl in her bitchy cattiness. So 'everyone' is laughing at you? I don't think so. Anyone who hears this story (who is not a vile bitchy catty immature girl) will feel your pain.
Oh and she can have the sorry twat dp. Or not. She probably doesn't want him either, now.

Don't give her another thought - block her on FB and concentrate on you.

Logg1e · 05/03/2014 08:30

I agree, it may take some time before he realises he needs to tell you the whole truth, and answer all questions honestly, if he wants a chance at saving this relationship. They always seem to lie and snivel and tell half truths before they realise.

Figster · 05/03/2014 08:44

She's a gutter rat ignore her focus on your dh who is the one to focus your attentions on. Can you forgive him? The fact he wasn't the one to tell you says volumes to me unfortunately

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