my poor dd

[sosadfordd]

oh dear, what can I do.
my poor dd lives abroad, she desperately wants to come back "home" but has nowhere to go.

she is 51 years old, penniless (victim of serious abuse from ex husband, emotional , physical and financial)
she has nowhere to go except to come back to me.
we- dh ( stepfather -and myself- have a large house, mortgage free, and could help her.

but, my dh refuses to allow her to stay with us until she can "sort herself out"
I feel as though I support dh, financially,-it is my house- yet can't help my dd in her time of need.
I know I should simply say, she is coming to stay with us, but the fallout will be tremendous for us all.
my head is spinning.
we are both senior citizens, but fit and healthy, with not a care in the world, but my heart breaks for dd.
please help anyone.

I did ask on the first page whether your H had a point, whether DD had any issues, what trouble she would bring... no no, you said, it's just H being a mean old man... I think I owe him an apology.

She is 51 that is hardly putting a man before your child pml at the idea that a 51 year old woman should be treated like a child.

It's your house so you have the final decision. I don't think it's unreasonable for her to stay with you as long as it doesn't become permanent.

Yes, it would be hard to break in. However, she sounds as if she is recovering from the effect of abuse and also is on ADs -- none of that is going to disappear when she lands back in the UK, and breaking back into life in the UK might be hard too, especially if somewhat marginalised by living in a caravan. She also needs to figure out why she is so hard to live with. I may be wrong but if this is a problem for her maybe it spills over into work too?

You mention she's a lawyer - does she practice English law (or Scottish law) where she currently lives? Or does she practice local law?

I'm just wondering how much demand there is for - say - a Swedish law (or Canadian law, or Russian law, or whatever) expert in the UK.

she has discussed all the above options mathananxiety(kind suggestions).
Yes, she has been isolated there, working long hours to keep her head above water.

dd considered the backward step re caravan living, but said still having her house abroad, albeit in negative equity, manages to keep some self esteem at the moment.
so, now it is down to dd, to make her decision, with moral support from me, (though of course that doesn't pay her bills)
so, now to her next step forward.

good luck to you, OP. Whatever you decide, remember to look for support for yourself, too.

The more I think of the caravan idea the more I wonder if it's an image of comfort for the DD, and a symbol of getting away from life and all its problems -- and thus something to be avoided. Yes she probably needs to start again, but going to ground in a caravan isn't starting again, it's hiding in a bolthole, a limbo.

My mum effectively turned her back on me thanks in no small part to her H.

I don't have anything to do with either of them anymore.

Your dd deserves better than this from both of you.

I have just caught up with the last few posts. Sorry!

I see that you have attempted to help her and she's still in the shit.

I think all you can do now is remind her that it's her choice how she lives and that you'll support her (emotionally) in getting out.

At some point she really does have to take responsibility for her life.

your dh sounds just like my mums husband id be saying up yours my dd comes first dont like it tough

How long has she been abroad? If it is a while it might be unsettling for her to come to the UK again anyway - I've been away myself for 20+ years and it would be bittersweet to be back in the UK but not feeling at home (old places and friends having moved on) - and with a feeling of being back at the start, with no progress. Any way you could go out to her? She will probably have some business to sort out over there first anyway. And maybe your being away a while would give your dh some time to reflect on what a shit he is being.

she has been away 6 years.
against advice all round, instead of running for the hills away from narcissistic abusing H, they went together, she thought it would be a "new start".( by then she had lost everything, house/ business/every penny she had worked for over the previous 20 years.

Whereupon he promptly dumped her. she didn't have a work visa, but he did, but decided in the first week he didn't want to work.(until that time, it was only dd who worked, as he was too important to work-narcissism-
so, apart from throwing her out of the " family home", he found a younger gf,(good riddance) who he sent out to work.

Dd managed to acquire a work visa, and has struggled ever since.
so, if the "relationship" had worked, she probably would have stayed, though who knows what was round the corner for her.
Dd plans to come to the uk, once her passport has been renewed, maybe in a few weeks,and is seriously looking into staying in the caravan, which she said she will feel okay, as she still has the house abroad, so won't feel a total failure.

Just bring your daughter back.
What he says goes in one ear and out in another.

Just to say "so sad" that I too would do anything for my daughter, who I might add is fiercely independent. As a late mum, I daresay we are about the same age as well.

My girl though knows loads of people all over the World and she is 24. In fact she is travelling across the Globe right now.

How come your girl seems to have become stuck without friends?

She has a good job, so where are the after work invites etc?

As for -32. I just left -42 and it was glorious. Frost on face, but so dry, nothing like wet snow in England.

For those who say snow keeps people at home, that's when the fun begins in cold Countries.

There is a lot more to this story I believe, as if the daughter is successful as a Lawyer, she would have a network of friends by definition. That's how they work.

Mum, why is your daughter so homesick and has no friends there?

I don't think you are in a position to bail her out again. Sorry you are too old for her games. Lean on your dh now and know you have tried but it is too late for this now.

my dd, was also once fiercely independent, taking life by the horns for many years, until she met the narcissist abuser who dragged her down this far.
The bottom line is that after the years of abuse/police etc, she has been left very emotionally fragile.
As I mentioned, she can no longer practise as a lawyer,( no networks there) results of an exh and financial abuse amongst other things.
she is physically worn out, trying to keep her head above water.

Yes, I am too old to cope now, I just think if I can advise/support/encourage her one more time, she may be able to live a peaceful life back here in the uk?

I don't know what to suggest apart from go out to her and see how she lives.
Mine travelling the world will be somewhere in India on her birthday. All I have to do is find out where and how to surprise her.

If I were you, I'd be on the first flight to snow and fun with my girl.

I don't know about glorious -- I live in a cold country and it is not fun at -32, which we have had for the last 8 weeks and counting. You get up and go to work dressed like a grizzly bear, and you go home and stay warm. You see your neighbours as they shovel snow from the paths but nobody can stop to chat as this has to be done before heading off to work and it's too cold to stop moving. Even the teen DCs got fed up of snow sports, sledding, snowballs, etc. and the cold this year. It has been relentless. There comes a point when it becomes just a nuisance. If they didn't have to go out to school they would not be out. It's nice if you go for a holiday or if you live somewhere you can ski (though that is expensive) but if you are just trying to live your life and keep your car from expiring it gets to be a drag.

OP when your DD comes home, make sure she gets counselling to deal with the after effects of abuse. Women's Aid might be able to help her or refer her elsewhere -- 0808 2000 247.

Sounds like the passport renewal. Issue means she has time to work out exactly what she wants to do and how to do it.

Only she can do this. You can offer some emotional support but this shouldn't ever include you feeling guilty or guilt-tripped into giving her yet more money. One of the many skills of adulthood is making your own decisions and financing them. Hard to do but as others have said, essential. At your age and stage you really have to protect your own interests and sorry, but she hasn't actually made any progress in her life when you have previously bailed her out.

If she is planning a return quite soon I'm not sure why you need to visit? Sounds like more expense. Daily skyping would be just as supportive.

Also, be realistic. She's 51, has no friends, is difficult to live with and no money. Only she can change any of that. You sound lovely. She less so. Sorry but it's true. As the old saying goes: be generous but not with money.

"Be generous but not with money."
I don't believe one can be done without the other.

I'd go and visit your daughter if I were you.

Where and with whom did she spend Christmas and the New Year with for instance?

Is she really still a child at age 51?

I didn't realize there was an age limit to caring enough about your children to want to help.
When is the cut off?

I don't think there is an age limit to caring, thank god - but repeated, high-drama bail-outs that are detrimental to you own life should most likely carry an age limit.