my poor dd

[sosadfordd]

oh dear, what can I do.
my poor dd lives abroad, she desperately wants to come back "home" but has nowhere to go.

she is 51 years old, penniless (victim of serious abuse from ex husband, emotional , physical and financial)
she has nowhere to go except to come back to me.
we- dh ( stepfather -and myself- have a large house, mortgage free, and could help her.

but, my dh refuses to allow her to stay with us until she can "sort herself out"
I feel as though I support dh, financially,-it is my house- yet can't help my dd in her time of need.
I know I should simply say, she is coming to stay with us, but the fallout will be tremendous for us all.
my head is spinning.
we are both senior citizens, but fit and healthy, with not a care in the world, but my heart breaks for dd.
please help anyone.

yes, there is water under the bridge, but she is mine, that's the fact.

6 years ago, her now x, threw out of the family home- by the throat- then moved his gf in, so I gave her the deposit for her home abroad, which is now in negative equity.

4 years ago, she escaped back to the uk, I paid 6 months rental on a property for her, but she left and moved back abroad as she has work there.
she has been in a financial and emotional state for years, and maybe dh is afraid that she will bring more stress for me.
even though,
she will be back,
she will live with me,
she will be given another opportunity to rebuild her life.
might I just say that it isn't a " backbone" I need, it's simply opinions from kind people to another, with life changing decisions to be made. thank you all for helpful replies.

great post, struggling.

"I feel as though I support dh, financially,-it is my house- yet can't help my dd in her hour of need."

Yes you can. You tell your H that your DD needs you and you will be there for her. If he doesn't like it he knows where the door is but he isn't going to go is he, when he has a house provided for him. I know you are worried about him divorcing you and taking half but when your chid is in need I would be taking the chance tbh.

struggling100, thank you.
no addictive issues at all, she was a lawyer, own firm, but ex destroyed all that, so now she can't practice again.
she is planning a new business already, but difficult not having a " base" to work from here.
dh and I discuss everything, always have,
it's just for many years of past experiences with dd, turmoil and destruction have exploded in our lives , leaving me mentally and physically exhausted..
having said that, if now is the time that her life can be resolved in a peaceful way, I feel that I should/want to provide the first steps in her new life.

I agree with the previous poster who said you should help her financially rather than offering her somewhere to live. She probably wouldnt be happy living with you and your 'D'H anyway if he clearly didn't want her there.
Could you use the time while she is waiting for her passport renewal to set her up with a place to live, maybe give/lend her a few months rent and living money and help her find work. This would help her more in the long term than having her to stay with a grumpy old git who is more likely to cause her more problems and upset her.
As for your own situation - life is too short to spend with a man like this. Divorce the miserable bugger and live your life the way YOU want to.

Ah your last post changes things a bit - he isn't just being horrible for the sake of it then. Maybe he feels you have thrown enough money at her over the years and is trying to protect you from doing the same again.
However, if you do want to help her again you have every right to do so and he should respect that.

It must feel terrible for her if she can't rely on your mum for support, help and comfort.

My mum & me have some issues but I know she will always be there for me. Always.

You need to be there for her. Whatever he does after you help her is out of your control anyway & it'll be his decision what he does. I doubt he'll choose a life alone...

*her mum, sorry.

Sosadfordd - I think you sound like a wonderful, loving mother and I think it's wonderful that you still want to help your DD, who sounds like she's had a really tough struggle over the years.

However, it's really important to recognise that her struggle has had a huge impact on you and your DH. I suspect your DH may fear the emotional turmoil of her removal back to the UK, and particularly he may be worried about its effects on you. Clearly, your DD's behaviour has caused you suffering, and you say that you're tired and exhausted with the situation already. Could it be that he has closed his heart and mind off to her as a way of managing that disruption, and that he fears lowering those barriers again?

While I disagree with his stance, I think that behind it there may be a very sensible point: that you both need to look after yourselves and each other in this situation, and that any solution needs to be safe for both of you first and foremost. (This is not selfish, but pragmatic: if the 'helper' is so drained by the drama of the situation that she is ill and can't function properly, she can't help as effectively - so you get a downwards doom spiral where everyone ends up exhausted and unable to help one another!)

I'm glad that you discuss everything with DH - I'm sure that you will find a way through this together, once you've sat down and thought it out. Perhaps you can start by simply 'brainstorming' some ideas of what might help her - even if they seem silly, write everything down together as it may open up ideas that you haven't considered. If I've understood you correctly, from what you say about her abandoning the house you rented for her before, there may also be issues with ensuring that she is fully committed to a 'plan' for getting her straight, so that needs to be part of it (perhaps you can make financial support gradual/contingent as a way of managing this). She must be very traumatised by everything she's been through, so I would urge you to consider emotional support (counselling) as well as financial help.

I really wish you all the best of luck.

"I am not going to tell my daughter to take a running jump, that is the end of that conversation.

Why don't you go tell the sky you forbid it to rain."

no, not being horrid for the sake of it, just afraid that it will be another nightmare we will live through,
again.
as an oap, it has cost me so much- financially- over the years that my savings are being seriously depleted.
re renting for her, I would have to be guarantor, but the last time I did, it cost me a great deal.
even the house I paid her deposit for, was lost.
it's one disaster after another.
maybe this is the final attempt for her to manage a peaceful and settled life.
she is very difficult to live with, but,
she is my daughter, and is alone and unhappy, so of course she must come back to the uk, with my help,
but, working out the best way to help is the big question.
I could implode my life, bring her to live with us, then she could well decide to move back abroad where she has a good job, and it could all be for nothing.
she is "penniless" as far as over here she will have no job/home/savings.

I agree with Brdgl
After your last post OP I can see your DHs pov. You have already helped her out twice and even got her back into this country successfully and yet she has gone back again. Maybe your DH is fed up of seeing you bail out a middle aged woman , over and over at great financial and emotional cost to both of you no doubt , only for her to put herself back in the same situation and wanting to escape it /come home again. Then there is the history of her being abusive to you both. This might not be a popular view but as she is no longer living in physical danger with an abusive man then I think you need to take a step back this time. You both must be in your seventies and your DH can possibly see no light at the end of the tunnel which is depressing to say the least at this time of your lives. I am a stepmother to an adult stepson who lived off with us for many years and caused us a lot of grief financially and emotionally and was very abusive particularly to me before he left home last time. To this day (late twenties) always turns to his dad for the slightest thing and his dad always obliges . I too have reached the stage where I have had enough and would definitely leave if ever my DH let him move back in again unless it was an absolute emergency i.e. his house had burned down or he was in immediate physical danger.

OP, I know it was unintentional, but your first post was quite misleading. I note now it says "ex husband" but the strong impression is that she has just escaped him, and that the penniless situation is related to that.

My response is totally different, with all the new information.
I wouldn't be paying 6 months rent for her. I'd help her out with a deposit, perhaps. If she wants to come back to the UK, she needs to work and choose accommodation that she can afford.

She also needs a plan for the house in negative equity. Will it recover or was it a bad investment? Can she let it out? How has she been paying the mortgage for the last 3 (?) years?

..even then it would be under the strict understanding this was a temporary short term arrangement. Also sorry meant to say after 'take a step back this time' that I don't mean don't help her at all but more in a way that doesn't impact on both your daily lives and relationship such as moving her in with you.

A master class in drip feeding, OP

< slow clap >

I would tell him if he doesn't want her to live with them he should suggest another way to support her. It is in everyone's interests that your daughter 'sorts herself out' so he needs to think of some ways to do that as well.

To be fair you don't really know how it will work out if she moved in - perhaps you should have a time limit, a trial period if you like. Of course you want to help her but she may need more professional help in order to sort out her independence alone, rather than become dependent on you.

Also remember that she can go on the waiting list for subsidised housing or claim benefits to cover her rent if she chooses to live alone.

Gah just looked at the first page.

If she has a good job abroad why would she want to move back here to be homeless, penniless and jobless?
Are you sure it isn't just you that (understandably) wants her home so she is close to you?

AnyFucker

You just summed up my last two long posts in one sentence.

Hang on, slow down for a minute.

You left out some hugely relevant facts in your OP. In fact you OP really bears not relation to reality.

Why if your DD has a good job abroad and a house (all be in negative equity its still somewhere to live), is she penniless? You make it sound in your OP that she has nothing and despereatly needs to come home, but why does she?

She has a job, a home, her ex has been deported so no danger to her. She is 6 years out of an abusive relationship and has already tried to relocate unsuccessfully why would she give uo what she has to try it again when it didnt work before?

No sorry I agree with your H here. You've helped a lot already. She would be very unwise to give up her job to return to nothing at home.

I agree with AnyFucker.

OP, it really isn't fair to mislead us with an opening post that portrays your daughter as in dire straits (and possibly immediate danger) and your husband as an ogre who won't offer her shelter.

I appreciate now that the situation is different. However you have drip fed us the information so you can't blame us for reacting to one set of circumstances when now, after giving us the extra information, the picture is different.

I understand that you were annoyed by my "backbone" comment and I apologise for hurting you. However it seemed appropriate given the information I had to hand at that time. I'm opting out now from this thread. I can't help if someone gives the wrong portrait of what is happening and expects me to respond according to information that I don't have.

Drip, drip, drip...

no intention to drip feed.
the fact is that yes,
dd has a job abroad, and can support herself there.

she has a home, which she can let for the time being, at least the mortgage will paid for a while.

but she has no family there, feels isolated,
she is hanging on by her fingertips to survive on a daily basis there.
after years of abuse and struggling there, she is falling apart, desperate to come home.
so, she will be penniless,
I wasn't "annoyed" by the mention of backbone at all, it's weighing up the possible way forward for dd.
to be honest, if I had written a more comprehensive synopsis of dd's situation it would have taken several pages for the whole story to come out.
so, I wrote the bare skeleton, hoping that I would obtain a clearer understanding about the necessary plans for the future.
as with many issues, nothing is black and white.

So what is the point of her coming back to the UK with no job or home.
Surely she is old enough to be able to sort herself out with a new job here and somewhere to live while she is working abroad? If its money she needs to start over then by all means lend it to her but she would be mad to give up a job and move here with nothing.

If her house is in negative equity she can rent it out and still rent somewhere in the UK can't she?

Meh, I think your DD would drive me mad if she was my DIL