my poor dd

[sosadfordd]

oh dear, what can I do.
my poor dd lives abroad, she desperately wants to come back "home" but has nowhere to go.

she is 51 years old, penniless (victim of serious abuse from ex husband, emotional , physical and financial)
she has nowhere to go except to come back to me.
we- dh ( stepfather -and myself- have a large house, mortgage free, and could help her.

but, my dh refuses to allow her to stay with us until she can "sort herself out"
I feel as though I support dh, financially,-it is my house- yet can't help my dd in her time of need.
I know I should simply say, she is coming to stay with us, but the fallout will be tremendous for us all.
my head is spinning.
we are both senior citizens, but fit and healthy, with not a care in the world, but my heart breaks for dd.
please help anyone.

If your DD can support herself out there then she can save up enough money for the trip home. You've bailed her out time after time, no wonder your DH is not keen on the idea.

The drip-feeding changes everything for me. It sounds as though she's in need of emotional and moral support, yes, but that financially and professionally she's basically OK.

Maybe go and visit her for a bit, rather than her moving back to the UK?

Sorry OP, I am with your husband here. Adult children should only seek help from their parents in emergencies, and your daughter sounds like a serious problem. Your daughter sounds like she is constantly in crisis

Hmmm it doesn't sound very grown up, her wanting to chuck it all in. I do feel she needs support but she'd be better off getting a job in the UK first - she'll have some transferable skills and as an adult who's worked for a long time, she ought to be able to come up with a plan. I think support in the right way. Chucking up a good job at her age is pretty irresponsible.

It's one thing to just give the essentials in an OP in the interests of length, but leaving out key facts just wastes everyone's time - yours too, as the replies aren't matched to the reality.

Based on all that, I'd say it's time for you to go out there for a month's holiday. Assess how she's coping. Support her emotionally. Help her plan to come back, if that's what she wants. But she should be coming back with a plan already in place. If she's in crisis, you can support her in person out there in the short term. If she's not in crisis, she can start saving for the move home herself - flight, rental deposit, enough rent to keep her going until she starts work, etc.

A more comprehensive synopsis OP would have meant you would have gotten completely different advice and reaction. Instead you gave a diluted version of events that meant we would agree with you and tell you you should be getting your daughter back home and giving her all the help she needs. Realistically she is an emotional boomerang aided by you, and your poor DH has picked up all the slack and getting bad press for what seems to be caring and looking out for you.
I feel sorry for your DH, poor bloke.

So I'm guessing you portray the situation like your Op whilst the reality is like your second post - and this drives your DH nuts. He doesn't want her to move back due to the emotional and financial impact it will have on you and him - hmm could be selfish or could be trying to protect you, without knowing more hard to say.
Seriously though you've helped her twice both times she went back to her old life. Why is this time different? What has changed? If there was something significant, some sign she really wanted to change then did DH bring her back, but if not I'd look at other options. Can you go there to stay and help her? How can she change part of her life there whilst not losing her well paid job? There are lots of other options than repeating history over again

She needs your support not to live in your home. Your dd is 51 years old and has a home and a good job. She has the resources to sort out a life for herself in the UK if she chooses.

I get where your dh is coming from. Let your dd know that you are there for her the rest is down to her.

Sorry but I agree with your DH, you are outting both of you at risk again to help your DD.

She 51 she needs to learn how to look after herself in the country where she has a paying job, a house (all bit mortgaged). Yes she is an abused wife but surely there is something in the area she lives that she can get support for her issues.

You and your dh in your seventies you need to think about what YOU need for yourselves as you get older. I'm saying this to be mean but I really think you need to look at what you are going to need in the next few years. If you do give your dd your saving is she going to be able to afford to look after you in 10 yrs.

I'm saying this to be NOT TO mean

I don't think you are right or your husband is right - this is about guidance and sharing views, not a side-taking game.

Whatever happens you ALL need to compromise. The question is how to do it so that everyone benefits.

Before you do this I need to ask one thing - why would you be so quick to contemplate leaving DH or he leaving you? Is your relationship not healthy? If so you ought to address that first.

well, initially she will need a safe and loving environment to charge up her life batteries. then to find work, she is very resourceful, and i'm positive she can go forward with the right loving support from me.

You paint a picture of a very fragile woman, OP - i understsnd that being the long term victim of DV can have enormous physical and emotional consequences, but your DHs choice of words (that he expect her to sort herself out) could suggest there are particular issues. Does your DD have any health issues? Substance abuse? Has she used crime or risky behaviour as an escape from the life of abuse?

That's not to say that you shouldn't be there for your DD regardless, but if she needs intensive nursing, help with mental health issues or to come off drugs then that is a very different proposition.

Sorry - missed a page of posts - ignore me!

Yes I must say I'd say something completely different based on subsequent posts.

There was a thread recently about a mum trying to figure out how to support her daughter who persisted in requesting financial bailouts and really did need professional medical assistance. The unanimous advice was to be there morally and provide a safe place but to stop always bailing her out. Your daughter has had an awful time but she is 51, so when does this perpetual help of yours end? She's got to find her own way.

yes, it is true that dd is very emotionally fragile, the very reason she wants and needs to return to the uk.
she doesn't have any serious substance/alcohol issues, though has taken anti depressants for years.
Loneliness (and of course financial)are her biggest issues ,finding the way to fund her return.
It is impossible for me to stay with her for a prolonged amount of time, bitter cold -32 right now.
What would it achieve, what would it change, except the main issue would remain.
It would just delay the inevitable.
The bottom line is that she is homesick, alone, and desperate to come home, somehow.

Having read the whole thread, I think your husband is right to be wary -sounds like your daughter could turn everyone's lives upside down.

yes, that is what I am beginning to think to be honest.
she lives alone, admitting that she is difficult to live with, particularly after the damage of the last few years, then I think, yes she is difficult, but isn't that the time that I must step up to the plate so to speak.
I shall read and re-read all of the replies and make my decision of what action to take to benefit us all.
thank you mn.

But what is stopping her saving up to come home now?
And yeah, -32 is cold, but if her emotional situation is so desperate, buy a duck down coat, stock up on 50p pieces for the meter and go support her.

I don't understand why she can't take steps herself to come back to the UK?

Why is she penniless?
She'll need to rent her place out anyway, so can't she rent it out now and move into the cheapest shared house she can, to get money together to rent in the UK?

I truly believe that she needs to put in place plans to make her own way home. You've bailed her out twice - enough is enough. She must learn to stand on her own two feet. Apart from anything else, what will she do when you are no longer capable of sorting her out?

Totally agree with Cinnabar.

yes, true,
She must make her plans.
I have made enquiries and she could afford a caravan, with a small deposit and monthly payments, to use as her "home" for the time being.(life of said caravan over 20 years)

In the meantime renting her property abroad, until the markets pick up, and eventually selling, which will give her some breathing space.
Then dd can find work, and live independently.
feeling more optimistic right now.
thank you all at mn.

With respect, you're still enabling her: I have made enquiries and she could afford a caravan, with a small deposit and monthly payments, to use as her "home" for the time being (life of said caravan over 20 years)

Let her work it out for herself. She may not want to live in a caravan. She may prefer to find a job in the UK that will enable her to rent a home - before she moves. It should be her decision how to proceed.

Thank you CinnabarRed,

dd said to me yesterday that she had seen a caravan by the coast, and asked me to make enquiries -time difference- etc.

( I see that it appears that I am still enabling her, but she sees it as a possible option)I intend to take a back seat in any future arrangements.

also I will not fund this for her, she must find a way herself, which I believe she can , will do.
Also I won't have to pick up the financial pieces again, if it goes pear shaped.
She also said that she wouldn't rent in the uk until her own property was sold, which could be a year or so, maybe longer, once it's not in not in negative equity

I don't know where she is living abroad, but from your description of -32 weather I am thinking northern hemisphere and possibly Scandinavia, Canada or northern US.

Can she rent her house out and move into a small apartment, or a bedsit, even in another city where weather is nicer and she could get out more? When it's that cold in winter you really don't get out among other people much, and in a house you might not see your neighbours at all, except when they scuttle out to their cars or back inside. Plus if she has been abused and isolated she probably has no friends.

Moving into an apartment would mean living in close proximity to other people and while not the same as 'home' would mean potential daily contact with neighbours. Some apartment complexes have gyms and exercise can help mentally. Could she get a small dog? Or cat? A pet can give you the sense of being needed and appreciated. Same goes for joining a charity group -- as a lawyer her training would be very welcome in a lot of groups.

I think a caravan would be a backward step, and I think picking up the pieces of her life for her would also be the wrong approach.

Why is she out of work?
Is she under the care of a doctor for depression?

The extreme homesickness and loneliness are possibly something an adjustment of her ADs could manage.

Mathanxiety, I personally would love a caravan. If she does live somewhere like Canada, I think she would do well to come home in due course as it is a very hard society to break into as an older person.