my poor dd

[sosadfordd]

oh dear, what can I do.
my poor dd lives abroad, she desperately wants to come back "home" but has nowhere to go.

she is 51 years old, penniless (victim of serious abuse from ex husband, emotional , physical and financial)
she has nowhere to go except to come back to me.
we- dh ( stepfather -and myself- have a large house, mortgage free, and could help her.

but, my dh refuses to allow her to stay with us until she can "sort herself out"
I feel as though I support dh, financially,-it is my house- yet can't help my dd in her time of need.
I know I should simply say, she is coming to stay with us, but the fallout will be tremendous for us all.
my head is spinning.
we are both senior citizens, but fit and healthy, with not a care in the world, but my heart breaks for dd.
please help anyone.

As it's your house and you support DH financially then it's up to you not him. He does not get to control you both.

I'm always concerned when it sounds like a woman is treading on eggshells around her DH that there might be more to it.

Does he frighten you OP? Or bully/ chuck his weight around?

Is it not as easy as telling him to cooperate or get lost?

Ltb

Seriously, he sounds miserable.

thank you,
yes, dd must come first.
my dh hasn't dc's of his own, he adopted 2 little boys, but has little contact with them now,(50 and 48yr old)I just think he has never felt the amazing bond/love a child of his own could feel like.
if dd came to live with me, the fallout I am concerned about is that if dh and I split up -married 25 years- he would obviously take half my house nad money, which would leave dd and myself with very little to rebuild our lives! sort of catch 22

help your dd... he can either deal with it or not. I think your dd really needs you, and you will forever regret not helping her when you know you just need to 'put your foot down' as it were.

Ah, maybe that's what the old man is afraid of then - that the daughter who has left an abusive partner will spread the rot!

I'm all for bringing your children up to be independent and to stand on their own two feet, and have come across parents whose lives are made a misery by children who refuse to grow up and let them live for themselves for a change (there's a thread about this somewhere here at the moment, for example, and I have a work colleague who still seems to believe she needs to buy her adult children's affections). However, when your child genuinely needs help - even if your child is old enough to be a granny herself! - and you are in a perfectly good position to give it, only your pet Rottweiler DH won't let you, it would be utterly wrong to refuse due to selfish pressure. She isn't asking for the moon, she isn't encroaching for no good reason, she genuinely needs help at a once-off difficult time. He, on the other hand, the cocklodger just wants life to revolve around him as always. Can't have the domestic appliance being distracted by visitors who may take some of the attention!

So my conclusion is, he had better suck it up and be bloody gracious with it or the self-contained flats for single retired persons are that way --->

get to a solicitor for some advice on that one. He sounds bloody horrific OP.

I hope I'm not going to come across as too harsh, but here goes:

OP, sitting around wringing your hands and wailing about your "poor dd" is going to be of absolutely no use to your daughter whatsoever.

Instead of being "so sad for her" and bemoaning her situation to a bunch of strangers on an internet board, DO something proactive. Grow a backbone and have the courage of your convictions. Take action. Give her somewhere to stay. Support her in getting her life back together. Stand up to your husband and tell him what needs to be done. If necessary work out a plan for how long your daughter will stay, who will contribute to various household tasks while she stays, how you will help her to apply for jobs and attend interviews. Figure out a proper plan to get her back on her feet.

She doesn't need your tears. She needs your help.

I'm going to put 2+2 together and make 20, now.
OP - you shouldn't even need to ask this question.
Therefore, there is trouble for you too.
Just as it has been hard for your brave daughter to break away from this man, it must be very hard for you to recognise that your husband is treating you badly in not supporting you and her, and it might be overwhelming to stand up to him.
You being scared of the fall out says so much.

Can I suggest two things?
Firstly, get your daughter back to the UK. She is penniless - she is at high risk of going back to a man who HURTS her. Don't let her feel that's all she can do, all she's worth.
Get her a ticket TODAY.
Even if you have to give a hotel tonight and she presents as homeless to the council tomorrow. GET HER THE HELL AWAY FROM HER ABUSER.

Secondly, would you consider speaking to Women's Aid for yourself? Something is not right when you can't rely on your husband.

If he had said "I don't want this to be forever, but flipping hell love - why haven't you booked her flight yet? Of COURSE she must come home", that would be reasonable.

Please, bring your baby home :(

I wouldn't be terribly worried about your DH leaving you and taking half your house and money. I have a feeling he's got it too good with you to do anything of the sort. Of course he may threaten that in order to get you to do his bidding, but it's a lot harder than you think to take half of someone's house and money, even if he did go down that road.

Don't live your life afraid of a "fallout" which may never happen. We don't negotiate with emotional terrorists.

I agree with the other posters who have said you must help your DD. I know it's easier said than done, but I'd tell DH that you don't want to choose between him and your DD, and that there is no need to do so, but that if he forces you to choose, then IN THESE CIRCUMSTANCES you'll choose her!

If you really are worried about your marriage ending over this, seek legal advice now as to your options, just in case.

Also - he can leave but you don't have to agree to a divorce meaning he'll have to wait 5 years to get his hands on any joint assets, 2 years if you consent to the divorce. From what you say he's likely to be all talk and no trouser. Let him leave, though I can almost guarantee he'll stay, there are no teeth to the threat.

Look after your DD, she'll won't be there forever and she needs you more than he does at the moment.

Tell her to come home...tell your husband that this is what's happening and then go to C.A.B for advice about what he could do legally.

There is not enough information in the OP to support the assumptions being made in this thread.

I support my DH financially, at the moment, and his two kids. But it is our home, not mine. If I wanted to move in a family member, including a 51 year-old adult child, that would be a joint decision.

I also have an adult brother who moved back into my parents' home and has been there for three years. It is (in the opinion of everyone except my mother, including siblings, father, and health professionals) NOT a good situation for him or for my elderly parents. Does he need support? Yes. Does my mum adore him and desperately want to help him? Yes. Is she making a huge mistake and damaging her own quality of life, her marriage, her finances, her health, and my brother's already fragile emotional state? Well, everyone who sees the situation at first-hand thinks so.

Does the DH have good reason for not wanting an adult child to move into his home? Possibly.

And just curious...if it were the DD's father objecting, rather than a stepfather/mum's husband, would everyone be so quick to say "LTB"? For all we know, the OP has been married to her DH for 50 years! It's hardly a black and white scenario.

I agree with Evie above that your appalling husband has it too good to up and leave you over this.

He is abusing you, IMO. I don't have children, plus I'm just about the least family-oriented person I know and don't have close relationships with any of my relatives, but if ANY of them (and I mean from my sister to my dad to a cousin I barely know – anyone) needed help in leaving a dangerous situation, I'd have them to live with me and DP in a heartbeat. And DP might not love it, but he would NEVER try to 'refuse' me.

Fuck the fallout, get off the internet and help your daughter out. Good luck and be strong.

sorry, I see they have been married 25 years. Hardly a new boyfriend. But by all means, recommend divorce....

Is says it all that you're worried about the house/money, not about losing him.
And I do understand your concerns about the house.

You HAVE to get her back. Like I said, time is of the essence, you don't get her back, she's probably going to go back to her husband - to be beaten, have her money and dignity taken from her, possibly raped. GET HER OUT.

Then - go to a solicitor. Find out what he would get. Sounds like you might have brought the house into the marriage, so it's not necessarily 50/50 - you need legal advice.
And for your money... this depends on how much you trust your daughter, but perhaps you can gift some to her to help to set up again. You have filed for divorce, so you're not disposing of assets. But they'd been disposed of all the same. But assume nothing on that - go to a solicitor.
Your daughter will need one for her divorce too - go together.

And you know what? If you lose half your assets... would you rather have a happy life and a safe happy daughter, or the money? Even taking your daughter out of the equation, you want to stay with your own husband, just because of money? What price happiness.

Do the right thing OP, regardless of a selfish man and his interest in your bricks and mortar. If you do lose half to this man, then be safe in the knowledge he'll be rotting away lonely somewhere with no one to give a shit. But you'll have your daughter.

If you're financially secure, would you be able to help your DD in a way that didn't involve her living in your house? I imagine the last thing she needs right now is someone making her feel unwelcome. I left an abusive husband to return to the UK after living abroad. My parents said 'Well, you can't come here' and showed me and their grandchild no sympathy whatsoever, despite our temporary vulnerability. The rift this created was never repaired.

Your twat of a husband/your relationship with him etc. is another matter... Personally I'd tell him to sling his hook.

to answer brdgrl's point, if it were me and the father of my daughter was saying no, I still think I would take her in. It's not forever, I think a plan should be made so that there's a definite end point but you help your children if you can, surely.

Actually, on the other side of it, if they've been married 25 years, who originally owned it is unlikely to be considered a significant factor, and with no dependants on either side, 50-50 is the way it would go (disclaimer: I am not a legal expert). But it would indeed be a bit extreme to initiate divorce because the daughter of one partner was going to stay for, as it currently seems, just a few months, in a large house with enough room to mostly keep out of one another's way. It doesn't have to spell a massive upheaval unless one of the partners decides it should.

yes, yes, yes, dd was all packed to leave, but her passport had expired so she must wait for renewal which could take some time.
her ex was actually deported 3 years ago, so he isn't a problem now.
while she was the "abused wife", she took the bully's side against me ( usual narcissistic behaviour, isolating her etc).
which led to her being abusive to me and dh, so he has had a lot to contend with in the past, but she apologised a couple of years ago, and said she was deeply sorry, which we accepted.
but yes, "flipping hell love why haven't you booked her a flight" would have been good to hear.

So there is a little water under the bridge here? It still shouldn't matter. Could you arrange for her to stay at yours maybe for a week or two and then help her with a deposit for a private rent or something close by?

OP, why does you DH say she needs to 'sort herself out'? Is he just being mean, or does she have a problem - drugs, alcohol - that requires attention? I am just worried that there may be some history between you all that might explain an attitude that otherwise would appear to be extremely selfish on his part. Either he is being a bit of a wankbag about this, or it could be that he is concerned for your safety, emotional and physical - and trying to avoid an unhealthy codependent relationship which enables her problems?

In either case, I don't think the answer is 'do nothing'. Rather the question is: what are her issues, and what kind of help will most benefit her? Whatever the answer, the chances are that simply moving her back will not be enough: she may need psychological/psychiatric help, counselling, medication, confidence-building activities - it could be any number of things, but you need to think further than simply just moving her in.

I am a bit worried that you talk about 'fallout' in such a final way. It suggests to me that perhaps you and DH have issues communicating in a productive way ('arguing constructively' rather than 'arguing destructively'). However, I think it's absolutely vital that you get beyond this so that you and your DH need to have a sensible, adult conversation, based on evidence of what treatments work for whatever problems your daughter has. This needs to be a hard-headed and pragmatic discussion of your actions, not an emotional argument. If you are not very used to discussing in this way, you may find it helpful to have a counsellor or a mediator present: I think you might be surprised how quickly you might come to an agreement with some help. I would hope that he would see reason if you presented a bit of an action plan, with some (inevitably rough and provisional) timescales - and a bit of an outside prod from a sensitive mediator.