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Original poster

Ils move - DH reaction

73 replies

JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/03/2014 15:17

Ils are moving approx 5 hrs drive away. (now 20 mins away) sil found job there so they are going to help her dc and they like the countryside.
They told me while DH was away last week. They have been looking for a biggish house with coach house/studio/cottage nice garden. They will be in bigger house, sil in little house. They are trying to sell their place and sil is trying to sell hers. Its all rush, rush coz of job/scholols etc. Me, DH kids always welcome etc.
I was shocked but said ah ok nice.
DH is gutted - he says they didn't discuss it and basically the plan means indirectly disinheriting him in favour of his sis. He says his three kids have always come second to his sis dc, (i agree but don't think it's intentional)and this will make it worse. I told him this wkend and he hasn't been in touch with them.
I love ils but find them completely under sils thumb. (will provide humorous anecdotes if nec)
How can we er move forward?
1Suck it up,
2 'talk' - but how without coming across as um jealous or greedy?!
3 Dhs feeling, not speak to them ever again?
Other?

OP posts:
Nomama · 02/03/2014 15:20

You may have to suck it up.

Similar issues with my Sis but we decided to just to deal with it.

If it helps SIL has just volunteered to be the 24/7 carer as and when ILS need it.

Original poster
JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/03/2014 15:21

I thought people would say that. Shit.

Thing is sil is not very caring at all, she'll ship em out if they show weakness! But I guess they know that. Sigh.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/03/2014 15:36

I don't quite understand how it disinherits him if they are buying a new property and SIL will be in a smaller house. Or does he mean 'disinherit' in something other than the financial sense?

Original poster
JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/03/2014 15:42

Yes, that's what they will say too. Dh thinks - it will be impossible to sell the place with sis and dc in the small place next door/shared garden/pony etc. he thinks dsis will either make it impossible to sell or will have creeped in the big house already.

This makes him sound paranoid but he is only paranoid where dsis is concerned!

OP posts:
juneau · 02/03/2014 15:46

So your ILs and SIL (and family) are pooling their resources to buy a joint collection of properties - is that it?

If so, I don't see how that disinherits him - presumably their wills remain as they are now and their estate will still be divisible between him and his sister. I can see why this worries him, but once they're gone I doubt she could (or would necessarily want to), remain living in a shared property with strangers in the other buildings. This is something he has plenty of time to bring up with them, however.

As for how hurt your DH is feeling at his parents abandoning him and his family in order to rally round after his sister - that's harder to 'fix', but can he talk to them about it? It sounds like their minds are made up, but he's a part of their family too and I think a) he has a right to be heard and b) if he doesn't speak up it's just going to make things worse and perhaps cause a permanent rift. I'd discuss with him what his angle will be and how he's going to approach it - perhaps writing it all down first would be helpful - and then get him to sit down with them (without his sister present), and tell them how he feels.

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 15:51

I'm not too sure what the problem is. What is your sister-in-laws actions depriving you of?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/03/2014 15:51

Maybe it's just me then but don't you find it odd that they want to move house hundreds of miles and his main objection is that he'll get less of a cut when they pop their clogs?... Hmm Are they aware of his expectations? Might it have influenced their decision?

Ragwort · 02/03/2014 15:56

I think your DH's reaction is very odd (as Cogito says);; I can understand it if he was sad that it would be harder for him to see them now they have moved but to be worried about being disinherited sounds completely over the top and very mercenary. To be 'gutted' as an adult over the fact that your parents are moving Confused.

Surely most people would be happy that their parents were doing something they wanted to do - why doesn't he just call them up and wish them well with their move, and perhaps offer to help them instead of worrying about the future.

Slipshodsibyl · 02/03/2014 16:00

I t doesn't sound as though the money is really his main objection though. Op suggests his sister and her family are favoured. Money then becomes shorthand for the value someone feels is placed on them. In practice it is quite possible the property will pass to the sister as it will have been her home for many years by then.

I think he needs to talk to them about his feelings.

Original poster
JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/03/2014 16:00

Yes, Juneau that's right. I do think he needs to talk to them but I'm afraid resentment will render him incoherent. I think a letter will be a good idea. - Dunno if he will though.

Yes, I can see how it looks like that Cogito! He just wants them to be honest about what they are doing and their reasons for it. He is very hurt and feels they are abandoning us for their other GC. He loves his parents and his parents love him, but yes, his sister is manipulative and always has been.

OP posts:
Original poster
JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/03/2014 16:02

That's right, Slipshod.

He would be delighted if they wanted to move away in their retirement. Absolutely.

He is less delighted that this has suddenly come up, without warning, because his Dsis has decided to move and needs them to look after her DC again. He isn't happy that they are just jumping to her...I forget the phrase.

But that's life I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/03/2014 16:04

Honestly, you couldn't accuse him of being mercenary.

You could accuse him of disliking his sis though!

OP posts:
Logg1e · 02/03/2014 16:06

How does it harm him if his parents are babysitting a lot for his sister?

The only issue I can see is you will all see less of them, which is sad, but fairly usual and you've already said he'd be happy for them if they moved away in their retirement.

Jollyphonics · 02/03/2014 16:06

From the inheritance point of view, I can see where he's coming from. My aunt (mother's sister) and my Gran bought a big house together. My aunt had 2 floors and my Gran had one. My Gran made it all legally watertight so that when she died the house had to be sold to release my Mum's share of the inheritance. But of course what happened was that after Gran died my aunt made the place unsalable. She made it messy, neglected the house and garden, was rude to estate agents and viewers etc. Then after it had been on the market for 2 years she offered to buy my Mum out, at a rock-bottom price. My Mum just wanted to put it all behind her, so she accepted it. So I think your DH's concerns may well be justified.
That said, I think cutting them off is a bit drastic. I think you should all talk, and make it clear what the concerns are.

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 16:08

I think he should just presume he's going to inherit nothing - then you've got no worries.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/03/2014 16:09

It could be that his parents see his Dsis as 'in need of help' whereas your DH is more self-sufficient IYKWIM. Quite a lot of families have that dynamic.... 'the coper' vs 'the struggler'.... when, in reality, 'the coper' has just as many problems as 'the struggler' but doesn't expect others to bail them out. :) He really does have to talk to them about it if he feels hurt. I bet they don't have a clue.

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 16:10

Or, no worries apart from how much you are all going to miss his parents anyway.

Slipshodsibyl · 02/03/2014 16:11

These kinds of threads always seem to bring out a lot if people who seem to have little idea of how unequal treatment affects family relationships.

Original poster
JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/03/2014 16:14

Yes, I do envisage that Jollyphonics. And also, sympathetically, I mean, how tough would that be for sis to be thrown out, have to sell her home, at a time like that? We couldn't do that.

Good question, Logg. And I guess that's how they see it too. They look after Sis DC from 6-6 every day, inc school holidays. This has meant our kids haven't had the chance to have as strong relationship with them. My DC see them once at the weekend with me usually. The two times my DC have stayed over sis DC insisted on staying too, and DC were carted off to watch Sis DC's activities.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 02/03/2014 16:14

Slip These kinds of threads always seem to bring out a lot if people who seem to have little idea of how unequal treatment affects family relationships.

Plus others, who have found a way of coping with it.

tribpot · 02/03/2014 16:15

It seems a tad dramatic to be selling up and shipping out just because the sister has a job 5 hours' away. What will they do when she gets another job? Are they just going to follow her around permanently?

I would be heartily pissed off in your DH's shoes, as the way they seem to be upping sticks so readily suggests they are far more interested in sister and her dc than you and yours. Why on earth did they tell you and leave you to tell him?

I take it part of the sister's motivation (as well as free babysitting) is to get the use of a much bigger house than she could afford on her own (or basically have her own one subsidised). I wonder if at some point she will decide that the parents would be better off in the small place (less maintenance/granny-flat stylee) whilst she takes the bigger one? If they're buying one property then that certainly does come with inheritance headaches; you might be best to ask on the Legal board for advice specifically about that.

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 16:17

How about inviting the grandparents to stay with you, or going on holiday with you, in order to nurture their relationship with your children? Some protected time just for you lot?

Hissy · 02/03/2014 16:18

I find it sad that they thought to tell you, rather than their son, and while he was away too.

My dm moved last year. I knew the county only, all of the other information she chose to hide from me. She out and out lied at times too.

Your dh situation is similar, bbut not identical. Nonetheless it hurt like mad, and we are all non contact since christmas. It's better.

If he feels they will be taken advantage of, and prejudiced financially, then it might be worth him calmly raising the subect of them being very wary financially of buying something they won't manage long term, or so particular as to tie them to the fate of dsis forever. They need to think about what if dsis resolves to move back, would they have to too?

He needs to talk through his feelings with you. It might be that he's allowing 'the money' to be the subject, but it's a broken heark at being left that's more hurtful

Original poster
JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/03/2014 16:19

Thats right, slipshod,

Thank you Tribcot, Vindication at last! ;) That is exactly how we feel!

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 02/03/2014 16:22

I would be annoyed in your DH's place too.

My own in-laws moved a couple of years ago, they literally got the map out and worked out where was exactly half way between my DH and his brother and found a house there. Ok not everyone has to be quite so ummm precise but I do think its important to be fair to children.

And the whole money/inheritance stuff - well it just illustrates how your DH will have always felt sidelined. I'd have been enormously pissed off at sil's dcs having to be at the sleepover.

But I suspect if your DH starts to say anything - 40 odd years of pent up bitterness will come pouring out which won't help now.