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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ils move - DH reaction

73 replies

JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/03/2014 15:17

Ils are moving approx 5 hrs drive away. (now 20 mins away) sil found job there so they are going to help her dc and they like the countryside.
They told me while DH was away last week. They have been looking for a biggish house with coach house/studio/cottage nice garden. They will be in bigger house, sil in little house. They are trying to sell their place and sil is trying to sell hers. Its all rush, rush coz of job/scholols etc. Me, DH kids always welcome etc.
I was shocked but said ah ok nice.
DH is gutted - he says they didn't discuss it and basically the plan means indirectly disinheriting him in favour of his sis. He says his three kids have always come second to his sis dc, (i agree but don't think it's intentional)and this will make it worse. I told him this wkend and he hasn't been in touch with them.
I love ils but find them completely under sils thumb. (will provide humorous anecdotes if nec)
How can we er move forward?
1Suck it up,
2 'talk' - but how without coming across as um jealous or greedy?!
3 Dhs feeling, not speak to them ever again?
Other?

OP posts:
Slipshodsibyl · 02/03/2014 16:23

Logg1e, if you are implying you are one who has had to find a way to cope then I am surprised your posts are so firmly of the 'suck it up' persuasion and do not acknowledge the complex feelings involved.

cottageinthecountry · 02/03/2014 16:24

Hmm I think this is a very important time to get your parents to speak to a solicitor. The way in which the house is bought is the important thing right now, having a percentage equity would be the key, with a provision that the house is sold within 6 months.

If you don't deal with this now it will just fester and be a nightmare over the years as resentment builds up. I have lost most of my siblings and my deepest regret is that we never dealt with my parents estate as a family which meant they always resented me and believed I was favoured when I really wasn't. Of course it would be best to speak directly to your sister and ask her a few questions about the kind of contract they are entering into, you never know she might actually have good intentions.

I think it's a really bad idea myself, it would be better for your parents to sell up, give you both an equal share of any proceeds they want to give you and then do the move, enabling sil to upsize nearby her parents. I can understand how db feels left out but there is sadly a difference between a son's family and daughter's family. Perhaps you will have the opportunity to do that with your own parents OP?

Jess03 · 02/03/2014 16:25

I'm in a similar situation with my d-sis and p, but you have to accept it and let the bitterness go. The dc do have some relationship with the gp, a shame for them to lose it more. Why not push a bit harder re dc contact with gp and send them to stay for a week etc when of an age? Older people don't always make fair decisions and your DH will have to console himself with the thought that they think he doesn't really need the help or the money. Not much constructive help to offer, I did mention the concerns I had re inheritance and contact and they pretended not to understand re inheritance so you will likely have to let that go, but they have made more of an effort with my dc, so it wasn't worthless.

really1234 · 02/03/2014 16:31

Quite a lot of families have that dynamic.... 'the coper' vs 'the struggler'.... when, in reality, 'the coper' has just as many problems as 'the struggler' but doesn't expect others to bail them out.
Cogito has it spot on. I haven't seen it written quite so well before.

My parents moved nearer to DSis, she is the struggler, I am the coper. To be fair she does now have a lot harder life than I do and needs their support however for years she was the one that phoned mum and dad when anything tiny went wrong whereas I got on and sorted it myself.
To be honest I was a bit upset when they moved so much nearer to her than us, but it does make sense. (They are still within a reasonable distance to us though).

OP - I can understand how your DH feels. He feels sidelined compared to DSis. I don't know if him saying anything will be effective or whether he just needs to suck it up really.

Original poster
JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/03/2014 16:31

Dfil just called up and asked Dh for computer advice. No mention of the move. These are not great talkers!

They told me first, I think because I was visiting, and because as they said, they knew DH wouldn't like it.

Cottage, yes, failure to deal with the perceived/real favoritism has led to the festering which is where we are now. I think that's good advice about encouraging them to see a solicitor and your arrangement. I don't know if we'll be able to say it or if they'll do it but we'll see.

OP posts:
MarshaBrady · 02/03/2014 16:33

Your poor dh, I can see why it would hurt his feelings.

OnlyLovers · 02/03/2014 16:34

Are/were you and your DH expecting to receive an inheritance from your ILs, then? I don't really get this. I have no expectation of getting anything when either of my parents die, and I wouldn't really care if my siblings or other family members got something and I didn't.

I do get that your DH sees this as evidence of his sister's manipulativeness and is frustrated and annoyed by it. But I think he has to just suck that up. His parents are grown-ups, after all.

Jollyphonics · 02/03/2014 16:37

I really wouldn't let it go to be honest. My Gran so wanted to do the right thing, and truly believed it was all watertight and sorted. If she'd known what the possible pitfalls were she would have made provision for them - I can only assume she was badly advised, it may even have been a DIY will.

But the outcome caused so much bad feeling, it could never be undone. My Mum and my aunt had never been great friends, but I had been close to my aunt. However, the wrangling was so acrimonious that everyone fell out, and when my aunt subsequently died several years later we were barely speaking.

All my memories of my Gran have been soured by what happened, it was horrible. As I say, my Gran would have been devastated if she'd realised the potential problems of the arrangement, and I think it's important that your DH makes this clear to his parents, so they can make a properly informed decision.

Original poster
JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/03/2014 16:40

The coper and struggler dynamic kind of rings true. Both DH and SIL work very, very hard but DH has his lovely wife (!) and SIL is on her own (by choice), so yes, it might appear to them that she is the struggler. I can't see her like that though.

DH was on his own 20 years ago with DSS and they weren't a great deal of help to him then - they were still working though - and now with our kids, it seems the timing is all wrong again.

I love them. (Dm died years ago). I am convinced we need to try to talk honestly at least. I can't bare the thought of it though.

OP posts:
cottageinthecountry · 02/03/2014 17:03

OP I think dp speaking to them all really honestly would probably be the first thing to do. He should be firm, tell her that you really object and suggest that they sell their house and release equity to give to her as a lump sum. Put alternatives forward so pils can see that this is not the only way to help their dd out.

Expect the worst to happen but deal with it now or it will cloud the relationship your family has with his, not just for now but long into the future. It will be painful all round but his parents will at least have a chance of doing the right thing by you.

What others said about spending holiday time with them is also a nice idea and sometimes far better than the odd pop-in visit. DCs will get quality time with their gps and you might get a proper break. The move away is probably not the issue. The tying themselves up with dd that is the problem and they sound too young to be doing that.

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 17:03

Slip Logg1e, if you are implying you are one who has had to find a way to cope then I am surprised your posts are so firmly of the 'suck it up' persuasion and do not acknowledge the complex feelings involved.

Why does it surprise you? The alternative appears to be suspicion, resentment and envy or talking to a couple, "you know when you sell your house? How do we get your share?" or, "you know when you die? How do I get my hands on a share of the cash?".

I prefer the "take a deep breath, let it go and be happy" approach.

cottageinthecountry · 02/03/2014 17:04

*tell them that he really objects

Slipshodsibyl · 02/03/2014 17:08

Logg1e thanks for explaining how you coped . That wasnt clear to me from your previous posts .

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 17:10

Why does it surprise you slip?

ivykaty44 · 02/03/2014 17:13

on paper they are coming across as a bit devious - they told you there plans so you could break the news to their son for them… when really they should have told their own son themselves either alone or with you at the same time.

Is SIL in need of a lot of help from IL? Is she someone that just can't cope with life if they aren't their to prop her up?

Original poster
JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/03/2014 17:13

Well, I'm not the 'take a deep breath and let it go' type.

I believe that's how bullys win. I'm glad Churchill didn't follow your advice Logg.

Unfortunately, I'm the 'take a deep breath and resent forever' type. Sigh.

OP posts:
cottageinthecountry · 02/03/2014 17:13

Regarding the coper and struggler - that's a tricky one. You ought to see yourselves as a whole family - it should be in dp's interests to be looking out for his sister and she should be looking out for him too. That's the difficult thing to get across. I had a heart to heart with my remaining db and found myself saying 'I want the best for you and your children, I want everything to be fair and above board for all of us' and things relaxed a bit after that. It's important to manage those feelings of jealousy as they are are quick to arise and often for very little reason.

And you have to remind your parents that the choices we make are ours. So when they say how hard it is for her, they should remind them that it won't be forever and they all made appropriate choices.

A classic one is where one sib spends their 20s partying in India or whatever and comes back to find they can't afford anywhere to live. Another may have struggled to make their first mortgage at 21 and built up an empire over the years. The coper deserves no less IMO.

He could always say 'I will always help you out if you need support financially' etc etc.

Hoppinggreen · 02/03/2014 17:20

We are in a sort if similar situation. SIL found coping with one child so hard she had another one 12 months later!!
Mil bought their house off her and her oH and " sold" ( at well below market value? A house next door but 3 to where she lived and gave them money to have it extended.
They now do everything together and although we are only 1 hour away we are definitely out of the loop with everything. My cjphildren never get to see their gp's without their cousins being there and if we want to see them we have to go down there are " it makes more sense"
I do get a bit miffed occasionally but we. Have to accept it I suppose.

Finickynotfussy · 02/03/2014 17:25

I can see where you're coming from. My PIL moved hundreds of miles to live in walking distance of DBIL and DSIL and their DGC. Now we have a DC they moan about how far away we live - but we haven't moved. I did feel sorry for DH about it, as it was such a clear statement of preference for one DC over the other. My parents try hard to be fair (if they had to take a similar decision they'd take something like the approach MrsCampbellBlack describes -- or move somewhere madly inconvenient for everybody!)

I think the suggestion to take holidays together is a good one - it works for us, and then everyone has to travel.

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 17:31

Churchill wasn't disinherited though.

cottageinthecountry · 02/03/2014 17:33

My dm loves being on her own. She's fine, has built her own life and support network even though she is 86. She has her independence and freedom without feeling the need to compromise. She has a cleaner and lots of good neighbours, and tells people what to do when she wants to. It's all worked out well despite the terrible losses she has experienced.

That's another one to add to the conversation when it happens. They wouldn't want to lose their independence would they?

Original poster
JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/03/2014 20:01

Many thanks for your thoughts, everyone. Thanks

Finicky and Hopping - yes, you've got how we feel...

We're going to write a letter. And maybe send it. And then maybe discuss it.

I'll let you know!

OP posts:
UptheChimney · 03/03/2014 07:09

The coper and struggler dynamic kind of rings true. Both DH and SIL work very, very hard but DH has his lovely wife (!) and SIL is on her own (by choice), so yes, it might appear to them that she is the struggler. I can't see her like that though

This is very familiar.

And I can understand why your DH feels "disinherited." In families, I think it's not the money as such -its what the money/property represents in family dynamics.

YOur DH is caught in a very difficult position.He must feel very upset. Ican undertstand that.

livingzuid · 03/03/2014 07:34

The communication in general between your DH and his parents sounds very poor which I guess has been the problem for years? It's like they know they are doing something that will hurt him and hope that by avoiding the subject they will get away with not discussing it. Inheritance seems like a small part of the picture, it's more the build up of frustration over the years.

A letter would be good to get down what you both want to say on paper but there really is nothing like a face to face talk to get it out in the open. If you've mapped out what points you want to get across in a non confrontational way then that helps not getting into an argument and sounding resentful.

If he's upset as I think he has every right to be, then he needs to say something.

Sadly inheritance does throw up huge problems. My nan changed her will at the last minute to only leave everything to one child and one grandchild. It wasn't done spitefully and was out of worry but the hurt that caused for the others was huge and still lingers on to this day.

Ragwort · 03/03/2014 07:43

I really, really don't think writing a letter is a good idea; by all means put your views down in writing but think very, very clearly before sending it.

This sort of thing is always better discussed face to face - reading the comments on a letter can make you sound petty and bitter but having a general conversation (however difficult) is much more constructive - you can judge other people's reactions etc. You have got to get over the 'inheritance' issues, it does make your DH sound very mercenary.

If your PILs receive this letter they may well fester over it and hold it against you for years (I have been in family situations where letters have been sent - although superficially things might be slightly better, there is a real air of resentment over 'the letter'). Please, please think very carefully about this.