Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Argh! I am reading him wrong?!

425 replies

outtathefryingpan · 01/03/2014 10:22

Background: out of a long term relationship late last year, for at least the last 3 year that had become unhealthy and was manipulative and a bit controlling. Took a lot for me to realise and get the courage to leave. I'm worried this is now clouding my judgement on other situations so would like your views...

Started sleeping with a friend at beginning of Jan, (known them 2years), make it VERY clear I was not in the right place for a relationship right now and I wanted to spend sometime been single and working out who I was and getting my life into some sort of order... nice to get some positive attention though and I enjoy his company. Thought it would work okay as he's a single parent will full custody so has other things in his life to keep him busy. I have not committed to see him on any frequency, he knows this and agrees with it. I agreed I wouldn't date other people (Not a problem, I don't want to ATM!)

Last few weeks I feel likes he's constantly picking up on my behaviour regarding how quickly I reply to his text messages. I think he constantly mentions it if I don't reply immediately to his text he says he doesn't . I think he has a problem if I see my friends and not him (He doesn't say this directly but negatively comments on it). I called him on this and he's went off on one... its all me apparently. So either way I probably need to let this go, but for my own sanity, do you think I was out of order / wrong about him?

He says its rude and ignorant of me to not reply quickly and in detail. These are from yesterday...
"Some things not right, you haven't reply to my messages, do you think this is worth it" (I had been replying at 15 minute intervals?)
"Did my messages come through?" (He had sent 5 messages, I had last messaged less then an hour previously. I was at work) 10 minutes later
"My messages obviously aren't coming though" (He knows I cant reply at work!)
He'll send v long messages, and lots of them back to back, if I don't reply within 10 mins I get "nevermind" When I do reply I have to mention every point in his previous x messages...

Regarding this weekend, I am seeing a friend tomorrow. I'm not well (just a cold) so wanted to stop in last night, I went to bed at 9. I could have seen him today but haven't arranged anything as I feel hes been negatively mentioning me seeing my friend tomorrow. These are just a sample from yesterdays messages as he feels hard done by that I made plans for one day:
"Already your too busy off with other peeps again"
"...clearly you prefer to do something else instead" (rather then see him)
"You just seem to make yourself busy with others"
"We both know you'd rather be doing other things"

This is a small sample. He never makes plans to see me. I always have to suggest meeting. I always go to his.

OP posts:
MyPreciousRing · 01/03/2014 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick · 01/03/2014 22:00

Then you report them when you find out about it. Reporting somebody for something you ignored before because it now suits you makes you look like a bellend.

A cheesy bellend.

Hissy · 02/03/2014 09:06

Don't engage at all. The contract may be a pile of bollocks, and it's not your concern.

If you take him on, you'll antagonise him, and you need to completely disengage.

He is mad as a coot, he is controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive.

Oh, sorry, he hits women too doesn't her. Well then he's abusive full stop.

Your last ex was controlling, and now this prick.

My love you need to do the freedom programme, to learn what signs to spot and to establish and maintain your own boundaries.

You're better than you were, but still let this get too far before allowing your instincts to drive you to post here.
(glad you did btw!)

You've been conditioned, now it's time to deprogramme.

Hissy · 02/03/2014 09:07

Call your mobile network and tell them he's harassing you. They should change the number for free.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/03/2014 09:11

He's giving YOU a week?
Delusional much?
Please continue to ignore and block him if you can.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/03/2014 09:26

She doesn't look like a belled if she reports.

I would report him. (vindictive)

What a complete twat he is.

pictish · 02/03/2014 09:59

Hew remembers you asking for some space, so he's giving you a week is he? Grin Grin Grin
I know...it isn't actually funny...but you've got to laugh anyway. When you asked him to give you space, he didn't....and now you have told him it's over, he's giving you a week. Hmm
How reasonable of him.
He's totally sane.

Please tell me you haven't engaged in contact with him.

nkf · 02/03/2014 10:01

A week to do what?

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/03/2014 10:37

Brilliant.
A week presumably to come to her senses and beg him to come back GrinGrinGrin
Except, she has already come to her senses, has told the twat she has come to her senses and is actively ignoring him.
He's really a doozy, isn't he?

Bluestocking · 02/03/2014 10:46

Standing ovation to OP.
It's just a shame you didn't get a chance to tie him down and write "I am a vindictive controlling loser" on his arse with a tattoo gun, a la Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, to warn off future victims.

Gettingmeback · 02/03/2014 12:13

Agree with the ignore. But, him giving you a week in his mind allows him to start up contact again in a week. If you have told him you want no more contact with him I would get on the front foot of this and talk to the police. In my experience they will take it very seriously, even at this stage, will think he is a complete dick, and quite enjoy the opportunity to visit him for a quiet chat!

WeAreDetective · 02/03/2014 12:58

Presumably, op will realise in a week what a real catch he is and coming running back all apologies and back in line Hmm

positively9something · 02/03/2014 14:14

Op - you seem very strong and should trust your instinct more. He seems crazy and needy and maybe if he was working he wouldn't have so much time on his hands to be such a stalker Wink

Original poster
outtathefryingpan · 02/03/2014 18:51

Got another very long message today, reminding me how good we are together (really? We've never spent any quality time together? ) and saying how we shouldn't sack it off cos it's too good... Then apparently if I don't agree next time he sees me he's going to pin me down and rip my clothes off anyway.... lol
The " ... lol" was what he put at the end so this is obviously a joke... hmmmm. I'm still ignoring.

OP posts:
Hissy · 02/03/2014 19:10

You have a choice now:

Tell him that it's over now and not to contact you again.

Knowing now that he'll text you relentlessly regardless of his 'i'll give you a week'

Or

Wait until next week, ignoring all his relentless messages and then tell him it's over.

Up to you. :)

Fairenuff · 02/03/2014 19:11

So much for giving it a week Hmm

Ok, OP, now you have to show these texts to the police. This is serious. Ask them to speak with him, to tell him that they take rape threat very seriously and that he is not to contact you again.

Really, OP, report it, it's not funny, it's a veiled threat. Very thinly veiled and not to be ignored.

WeAreDetective · 02/03/2014 19:26

He's making my skin crawl.

I agree with fairenuff

TheCatThatSmiled · 02/03/2014 19:28

Did he seriously just threaten to rape you if you didn't agree to talk to him? Then laugh about it?

Police, now.

EirikurNoromaour · 02/03/2014 19:29

That's a rape threat. He's unbalanced. Please take it to the police, hopefully they will visit and have a word.

Original poster
outtathefryingpan · 02/03/2014 19:31

I'm not sure it's grounds to report him... plus his brother is a police officer so that might buy him some immunity that front.
The messages are going in a spam folder that I'm just checking daily I'll keep an eye and see if it gets worse. Hopefully he'll get bored.
Yes funny how he now remembers me asking for space... Although evidently he's not capable of giving me that even when it's on his terms (well what he imagines to be his terms).

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 02/03/2014 19:35

OP it is enough to report him. His brother being a police officer will make no difference. You should report him. I don't want to scare you but most rapes are committed by someone known to the victim.

Reporting will do neither of you any harm but it may protect you from a nasty incident. Please don't minimise this. People like him are cowards, he will back off if he has a visit from a burly officer but he will not back off for you.

He is escalating his behaviour and it's happened so fast. Put a stop to it now.

Zucker · 02/03/2014 19:55

Yeah right up until that last message it was funny how pathetic he is. He's just told you in black and white what he intends. God he's an arse.

pictish · 02/03/2014 20:07

I would be tempted to reply to that.
"You do realise that you have just been stupid enough to threaten rape by text. You are now scaring me. If you send me so much as one more text, or attempt to contact me in any other way, I will take that text to the police."

What do other peeps think?

Fairenuff · 02/03/2014 20:09

No, I don't think she should reply to him at all. She should go straight to the police. This is more than OP can handle alone. This man will not listen to her. He will not back off.

Fairenuff · 02/03/2014 20:11

In fact, he might have put the threat in there on purpose to provoke a response from her. She would be playing right into his hands if she replied.