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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

does anybody else's partner/husband do this?

67 replies

desperateforaholiday · 28/02/2014 20:07

I genuinely don't know if this is normal or not.

My dh very often will not respond when I say something to him, just incidental stuff like I spoke to my mum today or I saw 'insert any of my friends name here' today. Its like he doesn't hear what ive said. Usually when he says something to me, I'll say something along the lines of 'did you' or ' how are they'

It isn't just when I tell him ive seen or spoke to somebody either, if I say I'm going upstairs run a bath, I don't even get an 'ok' from him.

Is it me?, I find it a bit rude and a bit hurtful, as its like he's not interested and can't be bothered to speak to me.

Ive asked him about it before and he says that because I'm not asking a question he doesn't need to reply.

OP posts:
ginmakesitallok · 28/02/2014 20:09

My dps the same. So perhaps not normal, but not unique!

letsgotostonehenge · 28/02/2014 20:11

yes my dh is the same...selective hearing they call it or men have said to me when a woman talks they switch off and just nod their head and say yes, yes at intervals ! Grin

NigellasDealer · 28/02/2014 20:12

maybe ' i am going upstairs for a bath' doesnt really justify a response in his mind?
you could test whether he is really not listening to you by saying 'i am going upstairs for some hot sex with the window cleaner'

tobethatis · 28/02/2014 20:12

that would irritate me aswell and i would findit hurtful - had to LOL at his reasoning as to why he was doing it LOL ... men!!!

letsgotostonehenge · 28/02/2014 20:13

if I said that nigella he'd just say 'ok, ok' and go back to ice road fuckers or similar tv!

LettertoHermioneGranger · 28/02/2014 20:13

You need to explain that statements need to be acknowledged, even if just an 'ok' to know you're heard.

It isn't healthy communication otherwise. I do think some people are like this, not knowing any better. DP has done it at times, and we had to have a talk about him always acknowledging what is said. One time I practically screamed at him because I said something rather important, he didn't have a response so we sat in silence (me thinking he's building up something to say) until he stood up to go have a cigarette! He's not perfect with it but he understands now everything needs to be acknowledged. I think it's just the way some people are raised. (?) You really need to make him understand it isn't acceptable, it's hurtful, it isn't good communication, and he needs to work on it.

letsgotostonehenge · 28/02/2014 20:14

you sound strict letter !!!

LEMmingaround · 28/02/2014 20:14

So people think its ok for their partners to completely disregard them? :( No, it is not normal

letsgotostonehenge · 28/02/2014 20:15

it is quite normal lemming

LoveVintage · 28/02/2014 20:15

It's a man thing. They can only concentrate on one thing at a time.

letsgotostonehenge · 28/02/2014 20:16

it may not be ideal but it's normal!!

phonebox · 28/02/2014 20:16

DP used to be the same until I kept nagging him to respond to me. I found it really hurtful too. It's rude in my eyes.

Now I have to say it twice, usually the 2nd time round he'll respond...if he's not watching TV or on his phone Hmm

Liara · 28/02/2014 20:17

I am a bit like that Blush.

The honest truth is half the time I zone people out, so literally do not hear things that don't seem to need an urgent response.

Dh has gotten used to it, but it does drive him slightly bananas. I try, honestly, but I'm just not that much of a multitasker.

BeetlebumShesAGun · 28/02/2014 20:18

Yup. Mine does this too. Especially if he's on PS3/laptop. Then if I repeat myself he gets irritated "I did hear you you know!" Sometimes I think it must be like when I am reading, I do tend to phase people out then and if they speak to me sometimes I will just forget that I haven't replied!

iwouldgoouttonight · 28/02/2014 20:18

My DP does this and I find it annoying. If you're saying for example I saw so and so today, it might beer just a statement but its also a kind of conversation opener. If I was chatting to a friend and said the same thing, she'd probably say something like oh did you how are they? and then you'd get into a conversation.

If a friend ignored me when I said something if think they either didn't hear me or they were rude, but DP seems to get away with it probably because we spend so much time together.

My DCs, if I don't reply to everything they say will just repeat it over and over until I say something, maybe we should try that!

YouAreMyRain · 28/02/2014 20:19

I just repeat "is my voice working?" until I get a response. It's a man thing.

RhondaJean · 28/02/2014 20:20

Mine only does this if he is engrossed online.

I regard it as the height of ignorance.

I do not believe the possession of a penis results in the loss of the use of ones ears and tongue in a civil way.

It does not happen often around here.

letsgotostonehenge · 28/02/2014 20:21

I'm going to say that line to my dh next time Rhonda

LettertoHermioneGranger · 28/02/2014 20:26

Do I sound strict? I believe you need to at least acknowledge you heard your partner. I don't believe the OP is even asking about when they're distracted, and might not think to respond because they're reading/playing a game and don't process it - in that case the nonresponse shows they aren't listening or processing, which is different. If DP is doing something and I say something but realize he's on his phone and not paying attention, I will get his attention first and repeat.

If we're having a conversation, and he doesn't respond to my statement even though he's heard me, that's hurtful and not ok.

Hoolit · 28/02/2014 20:27

My dm used to complain my dad did this and now we're living in I can see why! Its a constant stream! Its transferred to me and its such hard work to acknowledge every little thing that I often escape to my room just to read a paper in peace Smile

Stockhausen · 28/02/2014 20:28

Yes, DH has selective hearing... so does our 5yr old...

However. .. apparently. .. im as bad Blush

Original poster
desperateforaholiday · 28/02/2014 20:37

No its not like he is distracted by other things, its like he just ignores me if its something that doesn't interest him. If he says something to me and I don't catch what he is saying I'll say sorry I missed that.

From all your responses though it sounds like a normal thing, Its just not nice to not be acknowledged

OP posts:
crispyporkbelly · 28/02/2014 20:40

Mine does it too. I always say did you hear me? And then he responds. Rude.

Is it something some men just do to women though? Couldn't imagine them disregarding another man

IdKneelForLoki · 28/02/2014 20:44

My DH can be like this.

He becomes too focused on whatever he's doing even if it's just watching tv/reading. It's not even that he's not acknowledging me/the DC, he just doesn't even hear us in the first place!

I have to ensure he's properly listening before I talk to him. Drives me mad though I know he doesn't mean it.

The times I know he's heard but hasn't answered I refuse to repeat myself. So if I'm cooking something and ask if he wants something but I get no answer (having made sure he was listening) I then deliberately make him nothing. Enough times of this he soon got the hint and it happens a lot less now.

wannabestressfree · 28/02/2014 20:50

I don't think it's just a man thing I do it too. I can't help it, I am hear whoever is talking to me but it's like my mouth is frozen....... No help whatsoever...... I get there in the end