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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you cut your mother out of your life? - long, sorry

308 replies

Pages · 10/08/2006 06:42

It sounds really harsh but she has upset me so much and I just don't want her around to hurt me anymore.

A year ago she told me my SIL found it difficult to be around my child who has special needs. It hurt me really badly at the time but I didn't say anything because my brother and SIL are not the most approachable people. In the end I told my brother about it in a row which wasn't the best of times and I apologised for that. I also rang my mum and apologised if I'd got her into trouble (although really it needed to come out into the open and be dealt with).

My mum then completely astounded me by denying telling me any such thing and she, my brother and my SIL have ganged up on me, called me a poisonous liar and my SIL has told me she never wants to see me again (no great loss there actually, I am pretty sure she is largely responsible for my mum's reaction).

My mum subsequently some weeks later asked me if we could put it behind us. I have told her not until she has apologised and accepted responsibility for what she has done. She refuses to do so (she has never been good at apologising, always has to be right) and whilst telling me to my face that she wants to move on I have found out that she is telling other people in the family that I have done a good job of splitting the family up. It is true my older brother has supported me but only because he knows I am not a liar and my mum has always treated him as an outsider in the family and pitted the rest of us against him.

She is really a very manipulative person. I realise that now. But she is very loving if you agree with her. I have liked to think we have had a really close relationship till now - I used to ring her several times a week and talk to her about almost anything - but the reality is that there is a price to pay for that. Whenever there have been disagreements between us she has always blamed me or DH and I have accepted that to keep things running smoothly between us.

I have been aware for some time that she gossips about me to others in the family, mainly because she gossips about all of them to me and criticises and badmouths them, the way they bring up their children, etc. I used to think stupidly at one time that I was her loyal confidante and then realised with a shock that she was talking just as much about me too.

I really feel that I have so many friends and people who I trust and who really seem to care about me in my life, including DH's family (MIL I think loves me more than my own mum does, she is so sweet), why have people around who don't support me and who I am? Certainly there is no subtext with DH's family - what you see is what you get with all of them and I prefer to have friends around me like that too.

I have never stood up to my mum like this before. My older brother always has and that is why he has been badmouthed and ostracised all his life. My little brother (who always agrees with everything my mum says, worryingly so) even told DH some time ago that he doesn't care for my older brother - but he has never got to know him. My older brother is a really nice person but he has his own thoughts and opinions.

I actually feel hugely liberated by what's happened, like I can be free to be who I am now without the shadow of pleasing my mum hanging over me. I will never stop her seeing her grandchildren but don't want to have a close relationship with her anymore. And yet a part of me tells me this is wrong because we have always been close.

By the way, I have tried talking to her over and over and have put my side across numerous times but she keeps side-stepping the issue and not responding to it, says there is no point in discussing it, we both feel betrayed and that's that. And recently she has implied this must be about more than the immediate incident. It isn't! I just don't like being called a liar and blamed for all of this.

Does anyone think I am overreacting about all of this and should just let it go and get on with my mum? Would you feel as upset as I do?

OP posts:
madrose · 17/08/2006 21:42

unfortunately as sad as it is, there are many people who have children who shouldn't, and there are many many children today who are leading very unhappy lives in the parental home, just as their own parents did. And children today, don't talk about their problems at home, just as many of us didn't. We all want to beong to a family that nurtures us and loves us, so we deny to the outside world what is happening, so nothing is done.

To break the cycle, sometimes requires the child, to step away from the situation, reassess the 'emotional' worth of the realtionship and either try to have a relationship with rules, or to break away.

A decision that noone makes lightly, because the majority of people want what is normal, but sometimes has to be made, because it is too destructive to stay in a relationship.

I've been semi lucky - not a close relationship, but there is a relationship. But I have seen some friends in their 40's trying to applease their mothers, doing everything, being manipulated, verbally abused even physically abused. And they put up with it because it's their mother. Fine that's their choice. BUT do their children appreciate such a relationship. No, they hate what their grandmother does to their mother and want nothing to do with her, then their GM takes it out their mum because they don't want anything to do with her.

These kids are 18, 15, 11, and 8, and have made up their own minds.

Sorry a bit long winded, but sometimes cutting a grandparent out is for the best.

I'm so jealous with people who have normal parents and lots and lots of people do, but there are so many that don't, which is so sad, and people (me included ) need the support of our friends to fill this horrid gap, left by crap parents, because it's not an easy decision to cut people out ......but......

sorry if long and rubbish, but long day with lots of kids.

Cam · 17/08/2006 21:43

Because there always is another side.

CountTo10 · 17/08/2006 21:44

Pages, whatever you have decided or go on to decide, you're showing that you're already a million times a better mum to your kid(s) than yours has ever been to you(from the sounds of your postings) and full credit to you for the courage it has taken to do it as it is a massive step but one taken for all the right reasons judging by your posts.

CountTo10 · 17/08/2006 21:50

I totally agree with Madrose - i have had to watch my mum be treated awfully by her step mother and never been able to say/do anything about it and its awful - until I could finally make my own decision. There are horrible people out there masquerading as mothers and all we can do is have the guts to protect both ourselves and our own children from them regardless of the semantics of the relationship.

catsmother · 17/08/2006 21:51

Oh FFS ...... of course there are always 2 sides.

What "side" do you think someone who used to batter a child black and blue would put across to justify that they deserved an ongoing relationship once that child grew up and broke free ?

"They were such a naughty child, it was for their own good. Now they're being mean and nasty by refusing to speak to me" !!!!!!

There are some things for which their can never be any justification.

Dior · 17/08/2006 21:53

Message withdrawn

madrose · 17/08/2006 21:54

of course there is always the otherside. Everyone has their reasons for behaving they way they do, but everyone has the right to walk away from a destructive relationship, especially if little ones are involved.

Everyone would love a loving grandparent for their child, but sometimes it doesn't happen for whatever reason.

The child's safety, physical and mental is paramount.

Pages - I would step back for a bit - in fact I would do what you are doing now, it sounds like you need some emotional distance keep the doors open re access your children and put some rules in place.

Original poster
Pages · 17/08/2006 21:57

Thank you CounttoTen! And yes, well said, catsmother.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pages · 17/08/2006 21:59

Dior, she didn't have reasons that were anything to do with you and how loveable you were/are though.

OP posts:
CountTo10 · 17/08/2006 22:00

You're welcome pages - sometimes people forget that giving birth is the easy bit (!) - you have to earn the right to call yourself a mother.

wartywarthog · 17/08/2006 22:29

i'm by what has transpired on this thread. cam and zookeeper, an abusive person doesn't have the automatic right to relationships with their family. once they start being abusive, they lose that right. it seems that the effects of pages' emotional abusive is being seriously underestimated here.

it's an extremely difficult decision to come to, but i think pages deserves our support. post your opinion by all means, but it's not necessary to be mean - or are you her mum?

Cam · 17/08/2006 22:33

Cam and zookeeper, is this one person?

And is which of us her mum?

Cam · 17/08/2006 22:39

As for abusive, I've been called ignorant, judgmental, offensive and its been implied that I'm a witch.

These are all abusive personal comments.

wartywarthog · 17/08/2006 22:40

that's a fair point.

catsmother · 17/08/2006 22:56

I hold my hand up and admit that I called you offensive (in particular).

I was not saying it out of the blue in order to make you feel bad.

I said it after you said (directly and indirectly, several times over) that other people who, for reasons they felt were valid, had decided to cut their mother out of their life, were being "unfair" to their own children ...... even though most, if not all, of the people who posted said one of the reasons they did this was, in their opinion to protect their children.

I admit I found that offensive, because you were not just expressing an opinion but actively "having a go" at people who were quite obviously already traumatised in one way or another, and had alluded to various types of abuse.

Cam · 17/08/2006 23:03

I categorically deny that I was "having a go"

I know what I said and why I said it.

Don't judge me, don't try and second guess what I mean and place your own (wrong) negative interpretation on anything I've said.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/08/2006 23:06

Sheesh - you think that is abusive, you might want to try walking a mile in Greeny's or Pages shoes.

I think telling someone to "grow up" is having a go at them. But you sit their in your ivory tower playing devils advocate for your own personal gratification as long as you like. If you feel this post is abusive, perhaps you might want to think about MY side of the story. There are two sides, dont you know.

Cam · 17/08/2006 23:09

I'm not playing devil's advocate.

I've meant everything I've said quite sincerely.

fistfullofbanners · 17/08/2006 23:12

but Cam it was a bit risky to tell people to grow up when you dont really know what problems they are talking about.

fistfullofbanners · 17/08/2006 23:13

you arent usually this confrontational...

catsmother · 17/08/2006 23:15

"I know what I said and why I said it"

...... perhaps you could enlighten us as to the "why" part of it then.

Why constantly challenge people who've already said they had very good reason for cutting out their mothers ?

Being a "mother" does not mean that you can't be a dangerous frightening evil person. Count To 10 had it right when she said you have to earn the title of mother (and all its associated connotations).

Dior · 17/08/2006 23:16

Message withdrawn

VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/08/2006 23:21

Seriously? You were sincerely saying "Grow up"?

You were sincerely saying "Just hope you all remember all this when your daughters don't want to know you in future years."

Sincere when you said "No don't ignore my comment, there are 2 sides to this, Pages, yours and your mother's. "

"The problem as I see it is that you want your mother to be perfect, isn't that expecting a bit much? "

"Sorry but this kind of thing always sounds like American psychobabble to me. "

We are talking about ABUSIVE parents/grandparents and you are sincere about ALL of the above?

Cam · 17/08/2006 23:25

Wish you luck in the future with your situation Pages and sincerely hope you work it out with your mother.

hunkermunker · 17/08/2006 23:28

Cam, you have big hairy bastard toes