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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How much would it bother you

63 replies

PickledMoomin · 24/02/2014 22:21

If you came second to your DH's job.

Will do my best not to drip feed.

DP lives in a different country Monday to Friday. He comes back every weekend or I go there.

Recently, he's been working on a big project. He works very hard and is often not contactable whiles at work. This can be from 8am-9pm.

Often he'll say that he'll call at a certain time and then he won't. He'll say he's a he's snowed under with work but still find time to have a drink with colleagues meaning we don't get to chat that day.

This week has been his project launch. I know he's been v busy (meaning we couldn't see each other this weekend) but he's hardly spoken to me. This evening he said he'd call at 830. He didn't.

It's starting to get me down

OP posts:

Original poster

PickledMoomin · 24/02/2014 22:35

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 24/02/2014 22:36

I would work out what was a deal breaker and talk to him about that.
I've done Mon-Fri abroad on projects and still travel a lot now.

I would see him being not contactable during the day as putting you second, it's work, it's how it is.
And the drinks with colleagues... I'm sure my ex just thought I was out having fun, but actually it can be dull and tiring, still talking about work into the evening.

What would piss me off would be agreeing to call and not. It is always possible to send a text apologising if you'll miss an agreed time for a genuine reason. So that's what I'd talk to him about. A minimum level of contact, and not being unreliable if he says he'll call.

How much longer is he living abroad for?

Cabrinha · 24/02/2014 22:38

That should say I wouldn't call no day time contact putting you second!

Original poster

PickledMoomin · 24/02/2014 22:42

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I do find it hard not to take the lack of day time contact personally, and you're right to say that it doesn't mean he's putting me second, but it feels like it.

We've had plenty of discussions previously about the agreement to call and then not doing so/calling much later than planned.

I'm not making myself as available to him. I want the relationship to work, but I don't see why we should only have our chats when it suits him

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GilmoursPillow · 25/02/2014 03:11

Bloody hell, I could have written that myself (as Cabrinha probably remembers).

No advice from me, I'm afraid, DH just sees things differently to me. He has got better after the screaming abdabs from me recently and will make every effort to call when he says he will, or will BBM me if he knows he will not be able to.

I don't concern myself with lack of contact during the day - he's there to work and he's very busy.

newbiefrugalgal · 25/02/2014 03:13

Do you have children?

BelleOfTheBorstal · 25/02/2014 03:33

It bothered me to the point where we are no longer married.

TheTruffleHunter · 25/02/2014 03:50

Same as Belle sadly - if he can't manage a text between his working day and the bar that was a deal breaker for me. Hell, he finds time to g to the loo doesn't he?

Original poster

PickledMoomin · 25/02/2014 07:21

I'm normally quite understanding about the whole thing. I think I've been pushed over the edge because he's had to work all weekend which means we don't get to see each other for twelve days. We've hardly spoken because of his work commitments and I'm so angry when we do speak.

He's very apologetic. I've said repeatedly that he prioritises work. He apologises and says he loves me but then gets absorbed in work again.

He loves his job. And I want him to do a job he loves. It's the neglected feeling I'm not coping with.

I have two DC from previous marriage but he's very close to them. He finds time often to reply to DD's texts (and I'm sure go to the toilet).

So I call a deal breaker? If you don't call when you say you will then that's it? If you don't reply to my messages...?

I don't want it to end. We have such a good relationship other than this but he needs to be aware of the pressure it's putting on our relationship.

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Walkacrossthesand · 25/02/2014 07:35

So he replies to DDs texts - do you use texting as a means of contact yourself? It can be very useful in the situations you describe - a text takes seconds to ping off and can be done when you haven't got time to embark on a phone call, but lets the other person know you're thinking of them. Personally, I'd rather get a text than a 30second phone call 'hi darling, haven't got time to talk but just wanted to say hi, bye!' If you do text & he doesn't reply to yours but does to others - that is becoming deal-breaker territory !

Lazyjaney · 25/02/2014 07:42

If this is launch week they are probably round the clock busy. Not being able to call at an agreed time is understandable, not calling at all is not.

UptheChimney · 25/02/2014 07:52

I do find it hard not to take the lack of day time contact personally, and you're right to say that it doesn't mean he's putting me second, but it feels like it

I remember a world before email & mobile phones old when late DH and I would not be in contact from 7:30am until 7pm. We were at work. We didn't take it personally.

OTOH, arranging to call & then not, or not sending a quick email, is a bit shabby. But LD relationships are quite tough and you need to be careful that you don't get het up and take things personally which are not meant to be.

As someone says upthread, what are your deal breakers? Think that through very carefully. Because you need to think about consequences for you relationship.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 25/02/2014 07:53

I couldn't be with someone who was essentially married to their job, but expecting communication during the working day isn't very reasonable imo. DP and I rarely communicate during the day unless it's to ask something like "can you pick up some milk?" or "do we need any more cat biscuits?" or something equally mundane.

When someone is at work, they're there to work, not text and chat with their partners. Breaks and lunches are times to socialise with your colleagues, to eat, to take a break and to perhaps take ten minutes to yourself without having to talk to anyone or deal with anyone. It's not a personal dig at you if he doesn't call, it just means his focus is on work, not home.

But, if he doesn't call in the evening, does that mean you just don't talk at all that day? Because I would find that very hard if it happened regularly. DP used to work irregular hours before we moved in together, but he always managed to communicate with me everyday, even if it was just a quick text before work/bed, or a quick call on his way home. I would feel very put out if he couldn't be bothered to send a text when he was away, though. It's not exactly hard!

Original poster

PickledMoomin · 25/02/2014 07:57

Thanks both.

Yes, text is the main form of communication and then we'll usually have a thirty minute chat in the evening when the DC are in bed and he is walking home from work. This is always after saying he'll call at 8 and then 9 comes and I'll text to remind him. I spend so much time waiting for his calls and texts.

He's been in work almost constantly since Friday. I do feel for him, but I honestly can't believe he can't send a really quick text message!!

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Original poster

PickledMoomin · 25/02/2014 08:02

Cross posts, sorry.

Am using the MN app so am finding it impossible to remember everything that's been said but I'm taking it all on board.

If he doesn't call then we don't speak that day. That's happened a number of evenings this week.

It seems impossible to issue deal breakers when he is that busy and shattered. But it's a really lonely bloody life and I don't like feeling forgotten.

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Covalone78 · 25/02/2014 08:04

I work in Munich, DP/W in UK. We Skype every night, I am home alternate weekends, often do saucy text in the day, she comes out in school hols (teacher) but we are totally "lurved-up" being in our 50s and only in the honeymoon (4 years) period.

katykuns · 25/02/2014 08:19

I couldn't put up with it from my DP, but then we both aren't like that in terms of work. I don't expect us to message each other a lot while I'm on shift, but that's partly because its also a 12 hr night shift, we see each other everyday though.

If we ended up in a situation where he was away working 90% of the time, I would reevaluate our relationship. Let alone away and not phoning/messaging. But that's the thing, it's my personal preference... not yours. If you aren't happy, things need to change.

Original poster

PickledMoomin · 25/02/2014 08:25

I could move and we could buy a house there, but I think I'd resent that fact that I was no longer close to my friends and family and that DP still worked all the time. I think that would be lonelier than it is now.

He gets it most of the time. We've had this situation once before and he changed very quickly. I think the work load is making him change back- hopefully temporarily.

I was difficult last night. He said he'd call at 830. 9 came and he asked to call. I said I was busy and wanted to watch something on tv (it was true) and that I'd be going straight to bed afterwards. I'm hoping that he'll have an understanding of what it's like if I'm not always available but I missed talking to him. He knows he's in my bad books because he just sent me a text that said 'morning' which he rarely does unless I contact him first. Such a way with words...

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Original poster

PickledMoomin · 25/02/2014 08:27

And I think the reason I expect some form of contact during the day is because of the distance and his working hours. We'd not speak from 9pm- 9pm the following night otherwise.

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Original poster

PickledMoomin · 25/02/2014 08:29

I just reread the text. It actually said 'morning babe'. I think my made me miss that bit

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WitchWay · 25/02/2014 08:53

He tells you he'll call at a certain time & doesn't & you spend a lot of time waiting for his calls & texts. My DH was like this when we were first married - before mobiles existed. He worked long hours & was away a lot. I'd get worried & cross if he hadn't rung, he'd realised he'd become side-tracked by something, then think it was too late to ring me or he'd have to find a phone box or work phone was busy etc etc so would leave it & just start driving home or whatever. I'd sit up late thinking he'd crashed the car & then be furious when he actually turned up! Once we'd realised it was better if he rang when he could, rather than prearranging it & being unable to then I'd be less stressed about it, waste less time waiting & worrying & enjoy the conversations more & be calm when he got home. Make the contact more spontaneous - it might help.

Lazyjaney · 25/02/2014 09:01

"I was difficult last night. He said he'd call at 830. 9 came and he asked to call. I said I was busy and wanted to watch something on tv (it was true) and that I'd be going straight to bed afterwards"

Project work on client sites is usually very intensive and high pressure, very difficult to predict when things stop of an evening. Let him phone home when he can, not when you don't have to miss a TV show.

idinnehaveaclue · 25/02/2014 09:09

Well, if he's anything like my boss he'll be lucky if he's got time to draw breath let alone make a phonecall. If he's senior and successful he will be under the kosh timewise, no doubt about it.

Saying he will phone and the end of the day then not following through is a bit shit and you need to pull him up on it. I did go out with someone who did the same thing and he didn't change hence the reason we are no longer together.

FrysChocolateCream · 25/02/2014 09:21

Well I think you need to cut him some slack.

If this is a particularly busy time for him, it is not the time to start talking about changes.

When things get back to normal for him you can chat again. What i don't understand is, why do you need to speak to him every day?

If you changed your attitude and needed less then surely you would get the best of both worlds ie relax in your own life and be pleased to speak to him when it is possible. Waiting around for calls does sound horrible but you can change that from your end IYSWIM.

If you split up you would be even more lonely wouldn't you?! I liked the fact that he finds time to reply to your DD.

Maybe if you had fixed times for him to call but not every day. Would that help him be more reliable do you think? It just sounds like he is in work mode and if it is a very stressful, full on environment, personally I think you should respect that.

IMO. sorry to sound so bossy.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 25/02/2014 09:26

How long have you been together and do you live together (when he's in the country), OP?

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