How much would it bother you

[PickledMoomin]

If you came second to your DH's job.

Will do my best not to drip feed.

DP lives in a different country Monday to Friday. He comes back every weekend or I go there.

Recently, he's been working on a big project. He works very hard and is often not contactable whiles at work. This can be from 8am-9pm.

Often he'll say that he'll call at a certain time and then he won't. He'll say he's a he's snowed under with work but still find time to have a drink with colleagues meaning we don't get to chat that day.

This week has been his project launch. I know he's been v busy (meaning we couldn't see each other this weekend) but he's hardly spoken to me. This evening he said he'd call at 830. He didn't.

It's starting to get me down

Do you not concentrate on your work, hobbies children when he is away?

It sounds like quite a new relationship and you knew about the job when you stared seeing each other. Dont come across as he clingy girlfriend type if you are truly in this for the long term.

I think making my life more fulfilling needs to be added to the list. I'm lucky enough to only work PT, but this still leaves very little time for me with the kids and activities, homework, housework etc. And I am rarely without the children.

I have plenty of friends but they all have the same commitments. I think I am relying heavily on him to provide my entertainment which isn't the way it should be, but at the same time, as someone said below, (can't name you because of the app) if I'm out doing other things and miss his call it's not the end of the world.

It's not a new relationship. We know each other incredibly well. And yes, I love him. I don't want the relationship to end. I just wanted some tips on how to manage my expectations of him which I've received. Thanks all.

He's sent a lot of texts this morning asking how we are/what our plans are. He likes seeing pics of us during the day and knowing what we're up to. I know he loves us and would do anything for us (but probably loves his job a bit more)

And yes, he does make me happy- very happy. And he's very chatty and pleased to chat in the evening.

The issue was me feeling prioritised by his work- which I now know isn't what's happening

pickled moomin he is very lucy to have a partner like you who looks at their own approach and how it might be changed to 'fix' a situation rather then just blaming the other half.

Best of luck i hope you find a way so that he doesn't feel under pressure to call nothing is fun under duress and you feel less like you are eternally waiting for his calls.

What's the end game op?

Does he work this hard because the money is great, but in a few years he can retire early? Does he work hard while away so you can travel for 2-3 months a year? Will he come home when his career is at the right stage? Will you move there once the kids are grown?

I know a lot of FIFO workers (fly in fly out miners) and for most of them the end game is "in a few years the house will be paid off and I'll get a lower paying job near home".

Without knowing the point of all this sacrifice it's hard to get perspective on it. If he just loves work and wants to do this for the next 15 years, it sounds like you will be very unhappy.

But my understanding is that the problem isn't just now when he has a very busy time, it's always an issue.

OP YY to make. your own life more fulfilling. It is a hard balance to find IMO. On one hand you need and can make your life fulfilling wo him (even though I have to say I am not sure how/when I could have time for myself during the week wo DH doing some of the childcare whilst I am out).
And YY about not waiting for him all the time.

BUT there is also the risk for both if you to drift apart because you have build a life wo the other. That's where fir me daily calls are essential. It is a reminder that we are still a unit and that being together is important for us. Ime it's when the daily contact and the importance to be connected dwindles that problems arise. Mainly because our couple hadn't been given the priority it needs. And wo that communication it's difficult to stay close when you see little if each other.
Having said that you might find that being in touch every other day is working for you too. That is a very personnal decision/experience.

Thanks Somerset. I want us to be a team. It's not about one of us winning.

Yes, his work means we have nice holidays, a lovely quality of life.

Long term I think he'll climb even higher in the business and let other people do more of the work. He may work from home a few days a week. I think he'd like us to move and to live together but I'd like to see his working hours to decrease before uprooting the children. If he's working similar hours I wouldn't see that much more of him

Yes I think it's sensible not to move away from your network, having a very busy dp is only doable if you have a good network, I'm sure he understands that.

Just a thought to help you - my DH works away and often crazy hours, and doesn't have a chance to breathe. What I do just send him texts here and there - even just a smiley face and a kiss etc, or I take a picture of something he will enjoy - like DD with food everywhere and send that. We use whatsapp on our smart phones (i have an phone, he's got a samsung) and the texts are all free on this - either by normal network in UK or if connected to wireless. It helps us keep connected even when its hard - and it keeps DH happy and makes him smile when he's up against. It really helps us cope with the distance and makes us pull together. I always drop what I am doing when he calls (unless DD is crying etc) - TV can be watched later, food can be microwaved etc. I do like talking to him though. Also he tends to trouble shoot problems with me because before we had DD we did basically the same kind of job - he says it really helps him being able to share work problems with me. I think because I know exactly what its like I don't get bothered when he calls - as long as he calls at some point. It is really hard though - I do sympathise.

join I'll be sure to let the BF know just how easily expendable he is tonight

I'll be sure to let the BF know just how easily expendable he is tonight

Why?

Why would you say something so simultaneously mean and obvious to someone you are dating?

Would he be happier if he thought you were only with him because you felt trapped or obliged to stay with him?

It's not actually saying anything bad about either a person or a relationship to point out that you don't have to stay if you don't want to.