How much would it bother you

[PickledMoomin]

If you came second to your DH's job.

Will do my best not to drip feed.

DP lives in a different country Monday to Friday. He comes back every weekend or I go there.

Recently, he's been working on a big project. He works very hard and is often not contactable whiles at work. This can be from 8am-9pm.

Often he'll say that he'll call at a certain time and then he won't. He'll say he's a he's snowed under with work but still find time to have a drink with colleagues meaning we don't get to chat that day.

This week has been his project launch. I know he's been v busy (meaning we couldn't see each other this weekend) but he's hardly spoken to me. This evening he said he'd call at 830. He didn't.

It's starting to get me down

You are all helping lots, thanks.

I like to chat everyday to reconnect with him. He likes to find out how we are and what what we've been up to. It was childish of me to be difficult last night but I wanted him to have an understanding of what it's like.

The next time I'll have to bite my tongue is on the weekend when he comes back knackered after a stupidly long two weeks.

I definitely don't want to be without him. He's so fantastic and he works hard for us. I just want a bit more of a balance between his work and family, more so because of the LD.

Hmmm I can see you must feel pretty lonely. You have to sit him down and explain you expect regular contact and feel as though you are continually chasing, you appreciate he's very busy but that's not a long term thing. Be careful though, if it's just one weekend at a launch, do you really want to split up over something temporary?

We've been together a few years and known each other for twelve.

He lives close to work during the week and then with us on weekends/we'll go and visit him.

This project has been running for a few years. The workload has gradually increased as they've got closer to launch. I understand his workload (and I'm not asking him to be home for dinner every eve), just a phone call/to make time to be contacted if I need to talk to him about something fairly urgent.

So in bullet points;

Try and be more understanding and appreciate that he's working hard, not neglecting me.

Make contact more spontaneous.

Don't expect replies during working hours- he's there to work. Any contact during work hours is a positive.

What else? We have two long weekends away booked in March and April. And we'll probably go away at Easter. I need to focus on those times to get me through

Yes I don't think there's any harm in letting him know you expect the workload is going to decrease and you're looking forward to that. I expect in a month or two he'll be in a much quieter phase, it sounds like he's nearing the end of it. That's usually just when my patience runs out too!

I would add;
If you can't call, don't worry (we've been weeks without "talking" (although we did manage to get the odd IM to each other)) but please do text/BBM/email/IM to let me know you're ok.

This is the compromise I have with DH falls on its arse on occasion and it's better than an all-or-nothing approach, I find.

I'll never have the level of communication I'd like with DH - he's been working away all of our married life and is now away a month at at time - but by settling for some form of communication is better than having high expectations and feeling let down. (IME)

The other thing to bear in mind is that if this is how his life is always going to be, and you don't like it, you don't have to stay with him.

He's a boyfriend.

If you are looking for a more involved partnership with someone who live in the same country, then that's totally fine.

I wouldn't give a shite about texts and regular contact and I've done LD before quite successfully.

But I think a point comes in a relationship where you just don't want that any more and if there's no sense that it's going to eventually come to an end, then maybe the relationship has no future?

Hello OP. Oh lord I remember this situation so well. My DP worked away for 3 years - on sites where he was not allowed a mobile so never any contact in the daytime. I think you need to stop taking that personally

Having said that, I always woke up to a good morning text and he called every evening without fail so I never felt ignored.

I think you were a bit passive aggressive last night to be honest. You wanted to talk to him but you tried to teach him a lesson - cutting your nose off to spite your face as my mother would call it! That really was pointless. Instead of thinking "Oh, Pickled is really pissed off with me for not phoning, I must up my game" he will be thinking "Oh, Pickled wantedto watch her TV programme". So you will have not spoken to him but he won't have got the message about why! I'm not criticising by the way, just saying it was probably counter productive

I will give you a little squeeze though because I so remember the long lonliness of a beloved partner being away. It's tough.

hi I think in this situation, you need to focus on yourself. I have for many years, thought my dh job came before me, but in the end if you are a sahm like me, they are working hard to provide for those coffee dates and holidays. I know on here that might sound old fashioned, but someone explained it to me recently to help me feeling stop so resentful. I would becareful not to push him away, when he next phones you a bit later than normal, a tv programme can be watched again on i player.
I hope things work out for you, I know it's easy to feel that their job is more important but in this day and age they just want to keep their job.
P.s I am originally you can be my friend if you buy me cake, but something strange happened with log in and I have had to change my screen name. So not a troll!! :-)

Join he's her DP. They live together.

I have been in a LD relationship like this. And I was also travelling a lot, long working days with clients etc...
DP was at home with a 9.00 to 5.00 type of job.

We have always managed to find a way to communicate daily. When I knew I would with customers, I would be ringing, knowing that that the call would prob be 5mins max. When things were more settled, I knew I would be back home by 9.00pm so we would call each other (Note: it would be either me or DP who would ring).
If I was going out, calling DP was the priority before going out (esp if that's do boring to do as another poster said!).

Iwant I would put on a tin hat if I were you!!

And YY about expectations but it is working both ways.
Expecting him to be contactable all day etc us too much.
But him expecting her to always be happy and available to have a chat when he finally gets round to call is not acceptable either.
Because atm it's only working because the soap is wIting for him every night in the hope he will ring.

Does it count as living together if he lives in another country most of the time and one or the other goes to visit on some weekends?

My dh did this. I also wasn't impressed and it was a slippery slope. He seemed to think it was ok as he was very busy and important. And he was away lots and worked long hours but of course still found time to network in bars and make calls to arrange that.

Put down the dc stuff on email that is important/ interesting and encourage them to email their df. If he doesn't reply don't do it.

Send a text now and then.

Go about your business as though he won't be calling anyway. And take your mobile wherever you go. If you miss a call because you are having too much fun, well, he can catch you another time:) don't wait in for the call. He's not royalty!

Its not just your job to keep contact going. Its his too.

8 would also prioritise speaking to him over a TV program if you know his spare time is very infrequent. Record the program.

I can understand that you are frustrated and lonely but do you love him? Do not underestimate how frustrated and lonely you might fell hoping to meet someone else that you might love.

I would have a chat and a plan of action about Communication. Don't drive a wedge when you are do far apart.

Yes because home for him will the family home even if he doesn't spend that much time there.
Yes because the finances are the family finances.
Yes because on a relationship pov they are a couple, even if the relationship is more of a LD relationship.

Tbh this is not an unusual set up. Lots of people do that, working in different towns and different part of the country. And some people have done that all their married life too

Of course it does join for all the reasons Lady said, plus about 400 others! Not least he is a loved and loving step father to the OP's kids.

It is really insulting to suggest that they are not in a "real" relationship if they don't spend 24/7 together. Not to mention ridiculous!

I didn't suggest their relationship wasn't "real" (whatever that might mean), I suggested that they didn't live together.

He's her partner, lots of people use DP as a description of someone who doesn't live with them.

I have no idea whether he considers her house with her kids to be his home despite the fact that he is only occasionally there.

I hope you don't mind me saying OP It sounds like you could do with making your life more fulfilling without relying on waiting in contact from your DP such a point of happiness.

Do you have lots of friends and social activities that would mean your are not sitting around waiting for him to call?

I worked away a lot (mostly in UAE and America) and to be honest your OH might just not have that much to say unless it's about work! Have you thought that it might just be a case of he is genuinely tired of work and talking about it but has no outside stimulation during the working week? Perhaps agreeing to text when he feels like it/ can and talking twice a week or something would be better.

You can probably guarantee if you feel abandoned he probably feels under pressure from your insistence to contact you. Plenty of men i know and work with aren't 'chatters' unless they have something to say. This could be compounded by the fact it sounds like he has very little free time to even eat or wind down.

Have you asked him WHY he doesn't contact you as much as you would like face to face?

join you suggested that he's only a BF and therefore easily binnable. Ridiculous.

FWIW I don't live with my BF. Does that mean I could just bin him without breaking my stride if we hit a problem because he's "just a BF".

ometimes the LTB stuff is justified. Sometimes it's so flippant it's laughable.

A boyfriend IS easily binnable.

That doesn't mean the relationship isn't real.

I didn't say she should LTB.

I don't think he's a B.

I just think that if the relationship you're having isn't making you happy, you need to remember that you don't have to stay in it.

A relationship isn't a necessity, it's only as valuable as the happiness it provides to the people involved.

I would suggest not calling him when he's at work not texting or emailing either. He can contact you if he has the chance to or needs to - but otherwise it's stifling and unprofessional of him to always be feeling he has to communicate with you in the day. He is there to work not to reassure you.

I wouldn't correlate his not phoning you when he's up to his neck in a busy launch with not caring or prioritising work over you - sure, right now he is doing that, understandably, but that's the short term. Chatting to someone on the phone who you know is waiting for your call and wanting a chat when you're exhausted and just want to have a drink - that is pretty draining, to be honest.

I do think you need to not be waiting on him calling so much right now - you're putting pressure on the both of you. Not speaking for a few days is not the end of the world. Make a few dates with friends, go to the cinema, stuff like that.

I completely understand where you're coming from, I would be exactly the same - but with the benefit of distance and hindsight it's not the best way to deal with it right now.