Is it ok for XH new partner to excessively slag me off??

[Lozislovely]

I posted before about the breakdown of my marriage (sorry don't know how to link from phone).

Anyways, me and XH have been talking loads, very amicable, friendly and honest. We agree we'll always be friends whatever the future holds as neither of us has any bad feelings of each other.

XH has new partner of 2 months (been seeing her twice a week). Since I got back in contact with him she has been sending in excess of 30 texts every day telling him what a bitch I am, what my character is, how I'll never change, what her friends say about me, along with lots of 'I love you' messages.

He has said she has every right to be angry at me. Am I being a bit blonde in thinking that as he's been honest with her about his failings as well as mine, she really shouldn't be doing this and he should tell her to stop with the character assassination??? He has said that she is doing his head in and that he doesn't believe everything she is saying but that she is only trying to protect him.

As the breakup was mutual I am struggling to understand this as I know if I had a new partner I wouldn't accept any down putting of XH.

Am I missing a something???

@Bruno thank you, honestly thank you.

I have found myself apologising so much for everything. Self worth I guess, who knows.

I do know (after posting on MN), that I am not mad or crazy, I am me!

Me is ok, me is fine, me is 'normal'. I've conditioned myself so much to want to be liked/loved because I didn't see it in me so sought that from other, rightly or wrongly.

I have taken so much strength from tonight's posts, I really have, and wish I'd posted before now.

I shouldn't have to ever excuse someone's behaviour for any rhyme or reason but somehow felt I had to do that for XH.

As the song goes 'such a fool to believe'!!! A few (very few) have told me what a lovely person I am and I thought 'what are they after' rather than just simply saying thank you and taking the compliment.

I went away with a male friend recently, totally platonic, we shared a room, nothing else. I told XH and he can't believe me when I say nothing happened. I've even shown him the texts ( to prove my point) yet he still doesn't believe me. I think that says more about him than it does me!

Yes, it does. He can only judge by his own standards, of course

Don't offer up any more of your life for his snotty perusal

@perfect - thank you. I keep trying to believe that there are men out there who appreciate me for being me, stretch marks, baggy belly, saggy boobs and all.

When I'm feeling low, which has been often, I've struggled with the thought that anyone could find me remotely attractive.

The last few weeks, with all the lows, have slowly made be feel that however low my mins goes, I still manage to run a house, pay my bills, take care of my boys, walk the dog etc., and no man could have facilitated that. It was me, just me.

My mum text me tonight to say how proud she is of me. That alone speaks volumes - not because I 'needed' to hear it, but because it meant so much.

@AF - he can do one and I am not bothered that he'll hate me - if he does (as he said he would) says more about him than it does me.

I LOVE you AF, you hairy handed trucker you

So, come back tomorrow evening and tell us that you have not, and will not, join in with his mindgames any more

you are cultivating indifference

disinterest is your middle name (where he and his deluded new gf are concerned)

your only concerns now are for you and your sons, and your dog(s)

spring is on it's way

write off the winter and look forward to a life free from wondering about him and what he thinks...it is unimportant because he is a booby prize that some other unfortunate soul has taken off your hands

Sir (AF), yes sir (AF)!! I will do this because I have to do this and I'll prove it. I'm worth it, I know I am. AF, I luffs you

take 2 paracetomol and a pint of water to bed

no booze tomorrow, come back and say these things again with no onboard

Good night x

I won't let you down AF - I'm too freakin' scared to!!!

Good luck, Loz

@fid - you're getting a snog too you k know (just don't tell AF)

Loz, hon, you sound amazing to me.

I know it's hard to emotionally and mentally move on from a break up like this. It doesn't happen overnight. You'll probably go through phases of feeling ok about it, then back into another phase of feeling crap. Eventually the OK phases last longer and longer - and you realise you don't feel crap about it any more.

This is easier and quicker if you get out of the situation as much as possible. Get out of his games - and oh boy! is he playing games here! He's been playing the pair of you like violins. she's stuck with that. You aren't. You said you are a fool - you aren't. You've woken up to what was being done to you when you were vulnerable (not your fault at all) and you are now sorting yourself out.

You have a great future. Lovely boys, good job, and I can see a very strong backbone developing inside you.

Following all the advice you kindly all provided, I have quite a thought provoking day, for the right reasons!

Here's where I'm at so far;

*I have more self respect for myself than to be caught in some pissing/pity/procrastination party
*I do not have to let myself be drawn into things that are now setting back my recovery
*I am a strong independent woman who, for some reason doubted everything about herself for a while
*The past cannot be undone and it is a waste of my energy to dwell on what could have been
*My future is in my hands

XH is a grown man and I am not responsible for his future, he is. If he chooses to believe that I am totally to blame, that's his problem not mine.

If he chooses to be with a bunny boiler, that's his choice.

I'm living in the present from here on in, setting goals for the future whilst knowing that those won't 'make' me happy - my happiness is from within

Loz... I'm concerned about you, genuinely. I think you're lurching about still. Calling his partner a bunny boiler isn't nice. What do you actually know? You haven't seen the texts, he wouldn't show you but did see fit to impart all of the details that she supposedly gave about you.

Do you know that she is one even? He's managed to send you loop-the-loop and he was the one who was supposed to love you. He's called you horrible names that nobody should call anybody and still you have him on some kind of pedestal. Look at the evidence. She isn't your problem - he still is, unfortunately.

I will be happy for you when the clichés stop... I mean that kindly, Loz, it sounds to me as if you're super-keen to prove that you're over him. What steps are you taking towards that? What have you told your sons? Have you told them yet? Have you told other people? This would finally draw a line under it, make it real. At the moment, it doesn't sound as if you believe it at all.

Are you going to evict him from your head? She'll go with him.

You can do this, Loz but do it honestly, not posting what you think we want to hear. Everybody is behind you, willing you on to get your life back and happy.

@Lying - I've told the boys that mum is moving on and has a plan.

I've told XH by text that I've said what I wanted to say and that we both need to get on with our lives and that for the sake of our children we should go no contact.

I know words are easy to say but I do have this quiet sense of calm and honestly feel that I am moving on.

I spoke to my mum today and told her.

I can see how the term bunny boiler is wrong. I don't know her from Adam and I don't wish any harm on her, I really don't. I think I'm still a little sad that someone who doesn't know me felt he need to do such a character assassination on me. But that's fine, I will get over it.

Great, Loz, that's just what was needed.

The point I'm making about your ex's partner is that you don't know that she's ever said a word against you; or you haven't posted that you know it for fact. Your angst is still against a person who you don't know has done or said anything about you. Your anger should be directed against the man who did love you and did say horrid things.

I'd put the partner out of your mind and focus on flushing him out of your life. She will automatically go too.

I think he's horrible, Loz, he's manipulated you and is stirring for some inexplicable reason. He doesn't want to be with you but can't give up the 'sport' of playing with your feelings. It makes him feel good.

Stop giving him any room in your head - none at all. It's LOZ-TIME now! She needs and deserves it.

Well done Loz

Amen to that!!

I am happy and confident that the future is out there! I am going to have down days but they are just thoughts, it's up to me as to how I deal with those, no-one else.

I'm focussing on the present, feeling grateful for what I have.

Thank you Lying, you are a very wise person. Deep down I am too, just lost sight of that for a while.

Thanks fab and fid. I'm feeling quite empowered at the moment. Going to keep that feeling going as it feels good!!!

How about a compilation of music that makes you feel good, Loz? Just to keep that momentum going? All your favourite feel-good songs or maybe some new ones that you'll use to get you through this?

There's a thread on chat at the moment, I don't know how to link it but there's some very nice songs on it.

OP - you do seem to have made huge strides forward now! Good.

Your EX is nothing to you now, nothing! Not your Partner, not a friend, NOTHING! He's no-one, you don't need to see him, talk to him, text him OR tell him anything about your life/movements//evenings. He's a total stranger. Let him get on with his life with her. It's not your concern what he does, and vice versa.

Practise saying that!

@Captain, thank you.

I know that I don't owe him anything and he owes me nothing either.

I know I've been in a 'woe is me' state and I had been doing so well.

I've dusted down, picked myself up and am moving on.

Life is hard but it's also what you/I/ we all make it.

I'm going to start living for me, not anyone else. I'm hopefully off to the states for work in April and I can't wait. Up to now I would have found excuses not to go, XH, DS, dog, what ifs - but not anymore, I'm going because I want to.

You sound really focused Loz. When is your CBT due to start? I think it will really help to make the more positive thought patterns stick.

Ah, there you are

Lying is indeed wise. Until you ^properly* acknowledge that your problem was not the woman your ex is now seeing but was actually your inability to let your fixation on an abusive man go, then you are not properly on the road to recovery. You started this thread simply wanting to air that obsession and get us all frothed up on your behalf and that was not a healthy premise.

However in a very short space of time you have listened and reflected. Certainly my first few responses to you were typically blunt and must have been difficult to read. But absorb them you did, and impressively. Even this evening, you seem willing to adjust your thought processes to something more helpful.

No booze this evening, no chemical high (anti-D's not counted) ? You sure ? You have sounded almost manic at times and I would prefer calm deliberation and not the crashing highs/lows of "empowerment" if it is a fragile state of being.

How, for example, will you react when this man has a sudden "epiphany" and decides he wants you back after all and comes crawling with his tail between his legs ? I think he will. Probably a couple of days before your US trip if previous headfucking behaviour is anything to go by. What then ?

Get it all tied up neatly instead of flipping so excitedly from despair to elation.

Do you see where I am coming from ? We can help you with that, but tbh, atm it feels like this could all come crashing down with one come-hither overture from Mr SolidGold Dick there.

< meant kindly >