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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it ok for XH new partner to excessively slag me off??

208 replies

Lozislovely · 24/02/2014 21:03

I posted before about the breakdown of my marriage (sorry don't know how to link from phone).

Anyways, me and XH have been talking loads, very amicable, friendly and honest. We agree we'll always be friends whatever the future holds as neither of us has any bad feelings of each other.

XH has new partner of 2 months (been seeing her twice a week). Since I got back in contact with him she has been sending in excess of 30 texts every day telling him what a bitch I am, what my character is, how I'll never change, what her friends say about me, along with lots of 'I love you' messages.

He has said she has every right to be angry at me. Am I being a bit blonde in thinking that as he's been honest with her about his failings as well as mine, she really shouldn't be doing this and he should tell her to stop with the character assassination??? He has said that she is doing his head in and that he doesn't believe everything she is saying but that she is only trying to protect him.

As the breakup was mutual I am struggling to understand this as I know if I had a new partner I wouldn't accept any down putting of XH.

Am I missing a something???

OP posts:
Original poster
Lozislovely · 24/02/2014 23:25

Thank you everyone, I mean it - but no hugs ok!

Seriously, I've doubted myself so much over the past weeks, every emotion running through my head.

I've spent so many years making excuses for his behaviour, and mine, that I've been clouded. I've kept our relationship to myself and see that's because it wasn't right, but always made excuses for it.

I don't know why I've given a shit what she's said except I didn't want to go down without a fight and tell DH that she might be right.

If she is, well doodle fucking da - let her believe it if it makes her feel better.

I will be looking at this thread every time I feel a second of doubt about moving on. I owe that to myself and my boys.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lozislovely · 24/02/2014 23:27

No AF - haven't slept with him. He said he didn't fancy me anymore - that made my cry even more - he said that made him sad but I wonder now if he took pleasure in my reaction?

OP posts:
AnyFuckerHQ · 24/02/2014 23:29

of course he did

you are his emotional punching bag right now (what a fucking Big Man, eh)

stop letting him do it to you...you have the power to make it stop

fideline · 24/02/2014 23:33

He's a sadistic little man, is't he?

fideline · 24/02/2014 23:37

Loz you sound lovely. Don't let a little creep like that keep bringing you down. You have got the strength to do better for yourself. I can hear it.
Your problem is just that you're worn down with his manipulative nonsense.

Original poster
Lozislovely · 24/02/2014 23:38

The sad thing is that I don't think he realises he is doing anything wrong but I don't understand why that makes me sad.

I spent years telling myself I deserved better but struggle to believe it. But that's also why I've asked for CBT to address those thoughts.

On my last thread I was called an abuser and I took that to heart. I did challenge it as I don't believe I was an abuser but then considered I was.

My mum was a single parent for 10 years with me and my brother from my birth until I was 10 and I am so proud of how she coped and always tried to strength from that - until I felt like a failure for trying to give my boys the 'stable' two parent family life that wasn't stable at all - in retrospect I realise that I have probably damaged them by trying to maintain that and perhaps that's why I'm harking about what could have been?Confused

Eldest DS has said XH will never change and I deserve to be happy. He also had the unfortunate encounter with XH's new partner, unexpectedly a few weeks ago but didn't want to tell me. I'm angry at XH who believes that at 17 DS is an adult so is capable at dealing with it, when I've been the one to counsel DS when he's been feeling bad about himself for not saying anything to me to protect my feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lozislovely · 24/02/2014 23:40

Would it be wrong to invite you all to my house so you can give me a slap for being stupid? I can provide alcohol and snacks if it helps Wink

OP posts:
fideline · 24/02/2014 23:44

Noone is going to agree to hit you Loz Smile

It's difficult to let go of the happy ever after/what might have been script because you realise pursuing it has had a cost and you want it to come good. Like a gambler chasing his lost money with dozens of 'one last bets'

But your logical mind is stronger than that right?

AnyFuckerHQ · 24/02/2014 23:45

we are at your house already, through the medium of t'internet

we are real people Smile

Original poster
Lozislovely · 24/02/2014 23:46

It is, I know it is, just wish I was strong enough to believe it though this thread is definitely helping me get there.

OP posts:
fideline · 24/02/2014 23:50

It might take a few nights like this before the wobbles go.

I think your head has been royally messed with.

maggiemight · 24/02/2014 23:50

If you're 39, Loz, and your boys are late teens then the world is really your oyster.
Isn't 40 the new 20 or something.

FGS drop this loser and have a fabulous life.... this is such an opportunity for you, OP, please start making something of it, new career? new hobbies? new town? new anything stop wasting your time on him

Original poster
Lozislovely · 24/02/2014 23:51

If I ever get the chance to meet you AF, you're getting a snog believe me!

I wish I'd been more honest about my feelings in the past, but that can't be changed, what can be changed is my future, it's in my hands! I don't need his fucking acceptance, pity or anything else. I just need to accept me and be happy with that.

I'm not weak or a failure, I am me - take it or leave it. I don't ever want to feel that a man has 'control' over me or my feelings again, I'm worth more, we all are, aren't we?!?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lozislovely · 24/02/2014 23:53

For a while I did consider moving away but now I think why should I, I have nothing to be ashamed of. Next year I'm buying a house (in rented at the mo). I moved here for my boys 10 years ago, they've thrived, I haven't, but I can put that right.

I'm not running away anymore, here I am, take it or leave it!!!!!

OP posts:
fideline · 24/02/2014 23:57

One v practical tip a friend of mine was given was to take a month long holiday from alcohol, until the no contact habit was ingrained.

You sound more positive.

badbaldingballerina123 · 24/02/2014 23:58

My ex husband pulled this nasty shit on me , my new girlfriend thinks this about you , thinks that about you blah blah blah . It lasted all of three months . Not surprising really as abusive arsehole aren't really in demand are they .

It is annoying and upsetting , but take it as further confirmation that he's a disloyal little shit and you've done the right thing .

AnyFuckerHQ · 24/02/2014 23:59

watch out, loz, I could be a hairy handed trucker for all you know Wink

Original poster
Lozislovely · 25/02/2014 00:00

A month without alcohol - gulpWink

Very good advice and something I definitely need to adhere to. Not do e so well up to now, but 'allowed' myself the indulgence when in retrospect has given me the permission to dwell - so very wrong.

Half a bottle left and I'm feeling a Bridget Jones moment coming on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lozislovely · 25/02/2014 00:02

@AF - hairy handed trucker - ding dong Wink

OP posts:
AnyFuckerHQ · 25/02/2014 00:02

Men like this need putting in their place, loz

This prick has used up too much of your time and energy. Throw him back into the scummy pond he came from. He's just a man, and a shit one at that

think what you could achieve with your lovely boys if you expended some of that headspace you have been giving him on yourself

fideline · 25/02/2014 00:03

You just need lots of hot chocolate as a self-indulgent substitute. And marshmallows. And belgian chocolates. And maybe some nice salad to balance things up Wink

Original poster
Lozislovely · 25/02/2014 00:04

Can you just stop being right all the time AF - you're doing my head in Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
Lozislovely · 25/02/2014 00:06

@fid - I thought breaking up meant weight loss - the bastard lied - no doubt a man cultured that thought!!!

OP posts:
BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 25/02/2014 00:09

Good gracious.

You sound really together - putting your children first, you're young, funny, articulate...

...and he sounds like a complete dog-end!

Stop listening to a word he says

  • Yes he does know what he is doing - he's being nasty to you in order to make you feel sad, low and incapable - so that you keep trailing after him and he can big himself up.
  • You don't need to listen to any of his shit. He's TERRIFIED that you'll realise this, get up, stop thinking about him, get a life... and totally forget him. That's another reason he keeps prodding.
  • If you need any other encouragement, look at his attitude to your children. Disgusting. Move on, move on - you can do soooo much better!
  • Seven months is nothing. Don't think you're failing/you need him/you clearly should give it another go etc. simply because you feel like shit. It was a long relationship, there are children. You're supposed to feel like shit... but it will get better.

Stop listening to him. He is boring and wrong. Go out. Be happy. Spend time with your children. Read. See nice films. When you catch yourself thinking about him, make yourself think about something else. Try and feel kindness towards the hapless one woman textathon who is apparently his gf - she's just as much of a victim as you, and she'll either soon be gone or soon be miserable.

You can do this :)

perfectstorm · 25/02/2014 00:17

He still maintains that she has a right to form an opinion

That opinion is based solely on what he tells her. So if he's being honest about what she is saying, she is saying it based on his words. And as he won't let you see these texts... he could be making them up as a means of keeping you in line.

You don't know what he's saying to her in terms of their relationship, either. But he is presumably giving her reason to think they're a solid couple. Which means his backstabbing betrayal of her, in dangling hope like a carrot in front of his ex-wife while making out she's his priority, is also shitty.

We're the same age, OP. I have a primary aged child and a newborn - your whole life is now about to start. We're both of us still young, but your childraising years are almost behind you, and you will still have the world your oyster. Sod your ex, because he's playing you for a fool and treating you and your boys like crap. There is so, so much more out there than hanging on to the likes of him.