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Original poster

Is it ok for XH new partner to excessively slag me off??

208 replies

Lozislovely · 24/02/2014 21:03

I posted before about the breakdown of my marriage (sorry don't know how to link from phone).

Anyways, me and XH have been talking loads, very amicable, friendly and honest. We agree we'll always be friends whatever the future holds as neither of us has any bad feelings of each other.

XH has new partner of 2 months (been seeing her twice a week). Since I got back in contact with him she has been sending in excess of 30 texts every day telling him what a bitch I am, what my character is, how I'll never change, what her friends say about me, along with lots of 'I love you' messages.

He has said she has every right to be angry at me. Am I being a bit blonde in thinking that as he's been honest with her about his failings as well as mine, she really shouldn't be doing this and he should tell her to stop with the character assassination??? He has said that she is doing his head in and that he doesn't believe everything she is saying but that she is only trying to protect him.

As the breakup was mutual I am struggling to understand this as I know if I had a new partner I wouldn't accept any down putting of XH.

Am I missing a something???

OP posts:
AnyFuckerHQ · 24/02/2014 21:55

this split was not "mutual" at all

Op, you are allowing this man to fuck up your head

come on, Big Girls Pants here

you are a grown up

he is acting like a teenager who copped a feel of the girl in 5th year with the biggest tits

it's hard to understand why a father of teenagers feels the need to have two women hanging on a string but this is what he is doing...it looks like he didn't evolve past the emotional age of 14 and you are indulging him in it at great personal cost

step

away

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 24/02/2014 21:56

Time to pour a lot of cold water on Mr. Drama's little excitements.

'Right, I think it's probably for the best if we only make contact when it's about the boys. No hard feelings, but it's clear that you're not really much of a 'friend' if you're happy to hear me slagged off for hours at a time, so things need to change. We grew apart: end of, no big drama. It's boring and tiresome to hear all this shit: I don't care what your new gf thinks of me - she doesn't know me, so it's nothing to me. So let's just stop contacting each other and pretending to be mates - presumably it'll make your gf happy, it'll make me happy to be able to tune out this nonsense, and (unless of course you're enjoying the drama) it'll make you happy too, as your gf will presumably end up in a better mood with you if you're not talking to me, yes? Everybody's happy! Byeeee! You guys have a lovely life now!'

Original poster
Lozislovely · 24/02/2014 21:56

@Me - you're right. He still maintains that she has a right to form an opinion - that may be so, but I don't agree with the assassination on me. Not sure why I care really - she's just one person after all!

OP posts:
Whereisegg · 24/02/2014 21:57

How sure are you that there is a new woman, and that he's not just trying to make you jealous with this woman that will do all the stuff you wouldn't/didn't?

Creepy either way.

Original poster
Lozislovely · 24/02/2014 21:59

@Bruno - I LOVE that!!!! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Lozislovely · 24/02/2014 22:00

@Where - she only bloody works for the same firm I do - not the same location mind!

I'm higher up the food chain than she is and apparently 'I'm not short of a bob or two' like she'd bloody know what my outgoings are FFS!!!

OP posts:
AnyFuckerHQ · 24/02/2014 22:01

Loz, you are not listening, are you ?

Original poster
Lozislovely · 24/02/2014 22:04

Ok, spell it out (I can take it)...

OP posts:
AnyFuckerHQ · 24/02/2014 22:05

it's all there, upthread

he isn't your friend

he is taking the piss out of you and you are lapping it up

stop it now

MeMySonAndI · 24/02/2014 22:08

Character assessination is sometimes unavoidable, the more you resist it, the worse it will get.

Give them some space, you are not with him anymore, by having conveations about her with your ex, you are the one walking on another' woman's space.

badbaldingballerina123 · 24/02/2014 22:09

This is a game of lets you and her fight.

Are you regretting your split and wanting to get back together ?

ConferencePear · 24/02/2014 22:10

He has said she has every right to be angry at me.

So she has a right to be angry about the way you behaved with your husband ? That's just bilge.

Glad you've broken contact.

Original poster
Lozislovely · 24/02/2014 22:10

That's what I guess I've struggled with and my reason to turn to MN in a time of need!

I'm 7 months in to being on my own and I think I've done a bloody good job of it. Yes I am sad about what's happened but I have to move on don't I?

I AM A GROWN UP AND I WEAR BIG PANTS (I do wear big pants as it happens).

I am going to send a text that will make my cry but know its for my own good, as well as his.

And I need to stop watching Bridget Jones every night, and drinking too much wine,feeling sorry for myself, him, my kids, not wishing what could have been but how bloody great my life is going to be (with the help of AD's and counselling).

OP posts:
Original poster
Lozislovely · 24/02/2014 22:12

@bad - yes I do regret the split but at the same time I do feel a sense of release. He does blame me now for everything, well he would wouldn't he? He wants me to stand up in front of our children and tell them it was all my fault if we were to get back together. That's not right is it?

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 24/02/2014 22:17

Don't even bother sending a text. Your relationship ended 7 months ago apparently.
This guy is manipulating you both.
I can't understand why you give him your time and energy.

Original poster
Lozislovely · 24/02/2014 22:22

@John - I'm guessing its because I haven't properly moved on.

I briefly dated someone before Xmas and all I could think of was XH - so I ended it as I couldn't be 'me'.

OP posts:
Absolutelylost · 24/02/2014 22:27

I think 7 months is not long to totally move on after a marriage of 20 years - don't be too hard on yourself. But I do think you will feel better in yourself by not letting yourself get sucked in. I honestly don't think either of you sound like you have genuinely moved on - sounds like a lot of unresolved issues. Getting drawn into the minutiae of his new life will just make you feel worse at present. I know there was some irony up thread but get busy with some interesting worthwhile things of your own and see what happens in your life.... Best wishes though

AnyFuckerHQ · 24/02/2014 22:29

You haven't moved on because you are being manipulated into a catfight with his new GF

Find some dignity from somewhere, this is playground stuff

fideline · 24/02/2014 22:32

Loz, get a notebook and start writing all this stuff down. Do not say it to him, don't text it to him. Put it all safely in the book.

Were you teenagers when you got together?

waltermittymissus · 24/02/2014 22:32

You can't move on because he's not letting you and you're not letting yourself.

By allowing yourself to be in this little drama you are hanging on to him.

Cut. The. Ties.

It's time to move on, love. Not play at it.

Original poster
Lozislovely · 24/02/2014 22:35

So no contact then. I'm up for trying, did it for 5 months, got depressed and caved.

Started to feel frustrated with myself over past few days for feeling like I've had to justify 'my' behaviour over the last 2 years when it actually took two to tango as it were.

I realise I need to get a grip and listen to my head rather than my heart.

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 24/02/2014 22:37

I realise I need to get a grip and listen to my head rather than my heart.

All the tools are in place loz you just need to see it through now!

gamerchick · 24/02/2014 22:38

when my ex met a new wench I could have done handsprings.. and man did she royally slag me off.. to hear her you would have thought i'd tried to take a pair of pliers to his snagies. She slagged me off to my friends (who didn't receive it well) and in time she learned and now is on pills because she can't get shot of him.

your ex is a prize prick.. HE is a prick.. she's just the poor sod who will become you at some point. He has only told her what he wants and he has only told you the same.. don't be a doily man!

listen to what's been said in all these posts.

Original poster
Lozislovely · 24/02/2014 22:39

@fid - I was 17, he was 23. I couldn't believe he was interested in me, if I'm honest, I wasn't a 'looker' by any means.

I think I let that believe he was the one, and I've thought that over the years, sounds quite woeful really but when you're that age and all your friends have had countless boyfriends, it did feel nice to have someone actually want to be with me.

I think I've wrestled with so much about how I feel about myself over the years, and I know that I'm a classic 'make your bed and lie in it' female because I did actually want to make it work, I didn't want to be a 'failure'.

It took me a long time to actually tell colleagues about the split because I felt a failure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lozislovely · 24/02/2014 22:41

@gamer, you've made me laugh!!! And you are right, all the advice has been right. I was/am/getting not to be a sucker for a romantic ending, when it really doesn't exist!!!!

OP posts: