Is it ok for XH new partner to excessively slag me off??

[Lozislovely]

I posted before about the breakdown of my marriage (sorry don't know how to link from phone).

Anyways, me and XH have been talking loads, very amicable, friendly and honest. We agree we'll always be friends whatever the future holds as neither of us has any bad feelings of each other.

XH has new partner of 2 months (been seeing her twice a week). Since I got back in contact with him she has been sending in excess of 30 texts every day telling him what a bitch I am, what my character is, how I'll never change, what her friends say about me, along with lots of 'I love you' messages.

He has said she has every right to be angry at me. Am I being a bit blonde in thinking that as he's been honest with her about his failings as well as mine, she really shouldn't be doing this and he should tell her to stop with the character assassination??? He has said that she is doing his head in and that he doesn't believe everything she is saying but that she is only trying to protect him.

As the breakup was mutual I am struggling to understand this as I know if I had a new partner I wouldn't accept any down putting of XH.

Am I missing a something???

It'll be easier if you can calm down and find somewhere to put the emotion. The running clearly isn't enough. You sound quite hyper and pinbally.

And get a bit (appropriately) angry. The details of your marriage are private. None of her business. Why is he discussing it with her? Think a bit about appropriateness.

He thinks he should be honest with her about everything. She must be desperate if she wants to be with him after that!!!!

I'm not sure how else to rid myself of all the feelings. People say give it time and I want it done, just not sure how I go about it.

He does blame me now for everything, well he would wouldn't he?

Why would he? If he had any level of maturity at all, he would realise (as you do) that the split was mutual and an amicable split does not involve a new partner hating your guts merely for existing. Childish nonsense. Step away.

It does come across, that your dating experience ended in your teens. It probably makes it hard for you to picture yourself dating, moving on etc.

Why don't you deliberately 'write' yourself a new identity. Let go of the romantic happy endings and start telling yourself you are now.... what? A happy single woman, a mum, successful in your work....

Who do you want to be?

That's what I thought tribot but he made me question my own sanity by what he and gf were saying.

I need to learn how to stop giving a shit and making him believe he's a 'prize' worth fighting over.

Who cares what he thinks? And YOU must be desperate if you still want him after all this!

C'mon, Loz, stop thinking about him, and start thinking about you. You are still a young woman with plenty of time to do exciting things and meet nicer people...

@fid - at the moment I want to be a mum my boys are proud of, one who doesn't take any shit!

Medium term, believe in the potential people tell me I have and believe in myself.

Long term, retire at 50 (very wishful thinking) and spend my days walking the dog and being happy!

"I need to learn how to stop giving a shit and making him believe he's a 'prize' worth fighting over"

That bit's simple; ignore, ignore, ignore him.

What are you going to fill your exciting new life with instead of his childish drama?

so, you are now in your 30's with nearly grown children? And single.

lady, your life is just beginning

offload this posturing manchild and get a life

got some nights out with gf's lined up ?

you don't need babysitters, yay, get out there woman

well no.. the romantic does exist.. hell it took me till I was 34 till I found mine. But the fact is, you can't look back and forwards at the same time.. it's physically impossible.

While you're wasting all this energy on this bollocks which deserves to firmly belong in your past.. you may be missing out on your happy time.

Why would you want to miss out on that over somebody who doesn't deserve it?

come on.. who gives a toss what he or she is saying?.. let them crack on.. you're well rid.

Good. You already have positive goals. What about work? Do you enjoy that?

Is your divorce final?

@John, you are right, I know you are. I hate these moments of weakness.

I have CBT starting in March as I've conditioned myself to believing I'm a bad person, even when everyone says I'm not.

I really don't care about being on my own, I'm happy in my own company, well most of the time. I know deep down I don't need a man to make me happy and need to begin believing it rather than just thinking it.

I enjoy my job, I'm told I am good at my job.

Divorce - hasn't started yet, but I'm starting to feel that I need to do that to truly be able to start to move on once and for all.

Aww Loz, you're just so desperate to keep this going, aren't you?

I think you want him back very badly still, I remember your other thread vividly. We were all rooting for you to sort it out with him until you dropped in that he was with somebody else. At that point, everybody told you to disengage and wouldn't feed you any more hope.

You've still been gathering it where you can though, I can hear it in your posts. Every text, every tiny bit of contact is enough to sustain you for now but you're not 'living', you're not taking any steps to get over him. I understand that. You know it's going to hurt when the door is slammed shut and bolted. It DID shut already but you were distracted and didn't hear it because you had your fingers in your ears.

I know your children are not little kids but at 15 and 17 they're still able to be hurt by what you and your ex do and you must not let your breakup impact them.

You've had such great advice here, Loz, really. Kind and compassionate and understanding. Is there anybody you can speak to in RL to make it real for you? That's what you need because you're skimming posts, concentrating on the posters who don't know your 'story' and gleaning whatever scraps you can from them. You're doing yourself a huge injustice there and it will only hurt you.

These are the truths:

• Your ex is NOT your friend and he doesn't love you. He doesn't even respect you if what you say about the 30 texts is true - he neither sticks up for you nor has enough respect for you to keep them from you.
• He KNOWS you love him and that you're hurting - and he carries on anyway.
• You're engaging in the drama of texting because that's all there is.
• You're getting sucked in to whatever your ex is telling you and who knows whether he's leading you on or not - you're leading yourself on.
• You're in danger of using this thread to keep the drama going too rather than facing up to the reality and cutting this man loose from your heart and head.

Give yourself a sporting chance, Loz, switch your phone off and give it to somebody to take care of for you. Or change your number. You do not need to speak to him again. Your children are old enough to contact him independently if they want to.

You need to set yourself free because this man isn't going to stop pulling your strings anytime soon.

I think you're right about the divorce.

But you have so much going for you; you're young, children on their way to independence, an enjoyable job you're good at. It's more than a lot of people can say already.

Ceremonially pack any of his lingering stuff up. Rearrange the kitchen cupboards, switch the furniture around, make the house your own and then get the divorce going. There's plenty you can be doing to keep your mind of your exes playground stuff.

Seven months is not long at all when your talking divorce , they reckon a couple of years at least . You might find journaling helpful in coping with your feelings. I agree with af about the nights out !

Good for you wanting to move forward... I agree with the others far too involved with Ex and his life..He is clearly enjoying it and doesn't give a shit about your feelings other wise he wouldn't even tell you about these texts ( if they do exist) I seem to think she may well not be texting 30 times a day...

The idea he has set down conditions if he were to come back are to keep you in your place.....

Regardless you need to focus on your life... Get out and enjoy yourself..like someone else said no babysitter required...

You are worth far more ...The less contact the happier you will feel...

I think Witch's post is spot on and also very compassionate.

Lying - you've made me cry but for the right reasons.

What do I say to my boys though? I've maintained impartiality and done my best not to be unkind about their dad - so they can make up their own minds.

I know that I've been hanging on and hoping he was the one but I've been so incensed by what he's had to say that I have started to think he's enjoying all this and that he sees himself as a 'prize'. And one minute I want him to be my prize and the next minute I want him to be her prize and for him to fall flat on his face in a few months time when she realised what an arse he is, but then I feel bad for feeling that.

I did start to write all the things I disliked about him but then told myself that was unhealthy.

I don't have a great deal of friends. I was speaking to my closest friend at the weekend and she was suggesting to try again, but maybe she was just saying that because that's what she thought I wanted to hear?

I want the truth, the honest truth about what I should do, hence turning to MN.

Jeez, he used to say to me that if I hadn't met him I'd be living on the 17th floor of a tower block, on benefits with kids by different blokes. He says he's sorry now for saying that, but I know deep down that it doesn't make it right.

He also called me 'nut nut' regards my depression and he apologises for that too - it's confusing!

So have I got this straight you only have his word for it that she is sending him 30 txts a day slagging you off? How does she have any more headspace for anything other than you?

I don't buy it. Why would any new girlfriend be so interested in the ex that she would devote what must be hours of time EVERY day to think about and send all these texts? I think he and you both enjoy the drama and this new woman is stuck in the middle of it all. She's probably wondering what the fuck she got herself into.

He sounds simply horrible

Loz, you need to get to a point of indifference

hoping for his downfall and that you can say "I told you so" is not something you should be aiming for

hate/love are 2 sides of the same coin

indifference all the way

I don't think you have to tell your boys anything. I expect they will be pleased to see their mum detaching from someone that makes her unhappy. Just move on with your life. Let them see you getting on with it without reference to him at all. They can build their own relationship with him, and believe me, they will have him sussed much better than you do currently.

Ok the tower block stuff, the 'nut nut' remarks - you realise that is classic abusive behaviour right?

If your boys DO ask, just say "time for your Dad and I to get on with our own lives"

I need a bloody good slap don't it - you are all welcome to come round and do it.

Fuck him, fuck her. I'm a 39 year old single mum of two bloody gorgeous boys - I made them who they are, not him - he said we would have to move into his cramped two bed home miles away if 'we' were to make it work. That the boys will be ok and after all we are the ones that would we spending our lives together and the boys would leave home - oh that's ok then - I'll take them away for their friends, school etc because they'll adjust won't they? Oh and I'll tell eldest DS that he can't have driving lessons unless he pays for them himself. Oh and boys, your happiness doesn't matter, only mine and your dads, but you'll get over it so don't worry.

I cannot and will not do that to my boys, and have told him that - apparently I'm now being awkward. Well fuck him, I'm better on my own.

And breathe

he has been saying these idiotic things to you while fucking some other poor woman ?

Why have you been engaging at all ?

Stop it now

loz, have you been sleeping with him ?