Would you ever go back to someone who....

[curiousgeorgie]

Held you down in bed and poured water all over your face?

My very close friend did this to his gf this morning and (of course!) she has walked out..

She is absolutely amazing. Takes care of his kids more than he does, embraced us all as family, is generally fantastic and we love her.

He wants her back... Is devastated and seems sorry. We're advising him massive apologies and much grovelling... It's a lost cause right?

I think far too many people are being massively unfair on the op. She immediately acknowledged that her friend is a 'lost cause' - she recognises just how abusive his behaviour has been. She must be totally shocked that someone she's viewed as a friend was capable of this behaviour. At the same time she's facing the loss of his dp's friendship - someone who she says she has come to love.

She should advise her friend that his behaviour is abusive and he needs help. Perhaps she was wrong to give any kind of understanding and sympathy, but I don't think she's trying to minimise his abusive behaviour.

And I guarantee this is not the first time he's behaved in an abusive way. It's probably just the first time she's taken a stand and left. I hope she stays away.

The OP flounced because she doesn't like the uncomfortable truth that any support, relationship advice, benefit of the doubt, etc given to an abuser is effectively condoning the abuse: the abuser is very good at justifying his abusive behaviour to himself, and having people let him in the door to "there there" him serves as further justification, to him, that he's all right.

The only thing to do is tell him his behaviour is unacceptable, shut the door on him (literally and metaphorically) until he has proven, over time, that he is a changed man (ha!), and to offer support to the victim and only to the victim.

She flounced because more people were telling her what she should have done than what she should do now.

If someone held me down in anger I'd be very frightened. If he then poured water in my face I don't think I'd feel safe in the same room as him.

I'm concerned that if he will own up to this horrific thing, what has he done and not told OP about?

OP it must have been frightening for you so I'm not surprised you didn't give him a textbook response. It doesn't sound at any point like you told him he'd done something excusable.

I do hope she doesn't take him back.

Hindsight and time to think are wonderful things.

But isn't that the same thing, Horatio?

What she should have done then remains what she should do now.

Being willing to re-examine past actions and realise where we went wrong allows us to adjust our present behaviour. Refusing to do so, on the other hand...

Well no.

It is unhelpful to tell OP what you would have done on Sunday night, because it isn't Sunday night and she doesn't have a time machine.

Furthermore, what she does now has to take into account what she has already done - that is, shouted at him and told him to grovel, and spoken to her on the phone but not for long.

The point is I'm not arguing with the advice she's been given, it's just upsetting that she's been treated so badly on here. Many people have been so dismissive, given her one liner judgements on HER behaviour, and when she responds, using what she says against her.

No matter what she said trying to agree with you or how she tried to appease the MN jury, she was given very little sympathy and treated as though she was the abuser. The MNJ were actually being abusive to her to the extent that you chased her off. You showed her no respect and even now, are justifying your behaviour by saying she deserved it because she said he should grovel in her OP. It is so hypocritical.

It's not about time machines. It's about learning how behaviour that seemed innocuous or appropriate at the time was in fact condoning of abuse. You can't do better if you don't understand how you went wrong the first time.

It's a really important point that posters here were making. Victims of abuse are re-victimised by the enabling behaviour of their abuser's friends and family.

By chasing her away, you have less opportunity to get that understanding across HotDamn. By encouraging a dialogue, you would have more chance of helping the OP and the girlfriend.

The message is: That behaviour was condoning of abuse, OP, and it re-victimises the girlfriend.

It's an essential, and unpalatable, message. For OP, for society as a whole. To understand how an abuser's circle participates in condoning the abuse.

Whether this particular OP is able to take it on board, or flounces, is her choice. Focusing on how the message is delivered whether it was sufficiently sugar-coated is just another way to dodge its content.