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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you ever go back to someone who....

136 replies

curiousgeorgie · 23/02/2014 23:39

Held you down in bed and poured water all over your face?

My very close friend did this to his gf this morning and (of course!) she has walked out..

She is absolutely amazing. Takes care of his kids more than he does, embraced us all as family, is generally fantastic and we love her.

He wants her back... Is devastated and seems sorry. We're advising him massive apologies and much grovelling... It's a lost cause right?

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 24/02/2014 09:48

Agreed, it is not just a row. When someone physically attacks you for not getting up to care for their children, that is pure abuse.

CuntyBunty · 24/02/2014 09:49

Would you say it was none of your business if a female friend or acquaintance showed up with a black eye given to her by a partner.
"Non of your/our business" harms people in abusive relationships. It leaves them unprotected, uncared about, ignored and vulnerable to escalating violence and abuse. I find that quite chilling.

LucyLasticBand · 24/02/2014 09:50

all the same, op should keep out of it.

let them sort out their problems.

whether she takes him back or not, nobody here can influence that. nor should they - she hasnt asked for advice, the abused woman.

LucyLasticBand · 24/02/2014 09:51

its WATER.

noddyholder · 24/02/2014 09:53

I think I agree with lucy Ask him to leave and let them sort it. I have been in the situation over the years very recently with someone who has gone back to an abuser TWICE after I had taken the hard line with both of them.He does seem to have 'got in first' which is classic

CuntyBunty · 24/02/2014 09:55

It's terrible abusive treatment and the victim would be better off on her own before abuser decides to dish out a split lip or worse.
Can't you imagine how frightening it must have been, Lucy?

LucyLasticBand · 24/02/2014 09:56

er no

LucyLasticBand · 24/02/2014 09:57

and nor do i want to imagine it.

he poured water on her.

they need to sort themselves out,

so what should the OP do?

be a listening ear I guess. the couple will do what they feel they should do.

and step away from rowing here!

pictish · 24/02/2014 09:59

OP - I'm not going to berate you. It's very easy for people here to tell you, as outside observers, how you ought to have reacted. I think that in the heat of the moment, when he is unexpectedly right there in front of you, it is very difficult to employ rational to the scenario. I don't think it's fair to tear strips off you for opening your door and dealing with a very difficult situation with no prior warning.

What I will say is this....his gf has (rightly) taken off. This would suggest to me, that this is not the first time he has behaved abusively towards her by a long shot. No one ever walks out on a relationship the first time abuse occurs. One offs are rarely, if ever, the breaking point of a relationship.
To hold her down and pour water over her face in order to punish her for not getting up to look after his children, shows a degree of entitlement that is very alarming.

I agree with whoever it was that said he made fast moves to come to you with a performance, to get you on side first. He turns up all upset and full of regret, so you will feel sorry for him and believe he genuinely feels remorse...so therefore will fight his corner for him.
Don't. Your advice to him to grovel, shows that his tactic worked very well. I believe that you think you didn't condone his actions, and I am sure you did give him seven shades of hell in response to his disgusting conduct, but you still advised him that he deserved another chance...unwittingly or otherwise.
You must detach yourself from the years of friendship and look at this with the cold eye of fact. The gf has decided that this incident is enough for her to leave, and I agree with her wholeheartedly. What a controlling, nasty, thoroghly unjustified thing for him to do. He is not a wayward soul who has taken temporary leave of his senses...he is a selfish abusive bully, who does not deserve to have that woman back in his life.

Your only advice from here on in should be for her, to tell her to keep him out of her life for good. He can wallow in the well of his own creation.

CuntyBunty · 24/02/2014 10:00

I am not rowing, I am calmly making my point.
Perhaps you can't imagine how frightened the victim felt because you lack empathy?

Leviticus · 24/02/2014 10:01

OP you are not to blame for your friend's actions and I know you want to help but...

He assaulted a woman in her own bed. He then turned up crying and shouting in front of your children. He is not in control of his temper and poses a danger to her. She has done the right thing in leaving and you need to support her decision - by keeping out of it.

LucyLasticBand · 24/02/2014 10:02

F**s sake cunty. what is your attitude?
that was directed to the OP

LucyLasticBand · 24/02/2014 10:03

and now you are telling me I lack empathy.
?
cunty

honeybunny14 · 24/02/2014 10:05

I think you done the right thing op you are friends with both of them he was totally out of order doing what he done. The thing you done wrong though was asking for advice on here.

CuntyBunty · 24/02/2014 10:06

I don't understand why you wouldn't think this was scary behaviour Lucy. If it was my friend, I'd be telling her to run for the hills.

Sneezecakesmum · 24/02/2014 10:08

Even the most seemingly nice men can be completely different within relationships and I think OP is showing here that she can only see the pleasant friend she has known for years.

The simple fact that this gf has gone the extra mile to care for his children on a daily basis which can be seen by the OP as rather unfair shows dysfunction within the relationship.

OP you have the blinkers on wrt your friend. Imagine your DH had held YOU down and poured water on your face because you had not fulfilled his wishes? Would a bit of 'grovelling' from him really cut it? Or would you have had a massive change in attitude to him?

LucyLasticBand · 24/02/2014 10:08

it was the male that turned up at op's house

the female isnt askign for advice.

pictish · 24/02/2014 10:10

His actions in both the abusive behaviour towards his gf in the first place, then in turning up at OPs place, crying and raving in front of their child, is a very firm indicator of where his concerns lie, and that is with himself.
It is all about him and how HE feels. He's so sad, he's so sorry, he didn't mean to, it's all so upsetting for him, look how upset he is, oh woe is him.
Him him him him him. Who the fuck puts on a hysterical performance like that, after doing something so utterly despicable as he did, other than a fucking shyster who only cares for himself?

He is fucked.

CuntyBunty · 24/02/2014 10:11

I know Lucy, but we (some of us) want the victim safe and out of an abusive relationship. It's pretty indirect to do it in here, but I'd like to try without seeing the OP off.

bibliomania · 24/02/2014 10:11

Anonynonny nails it.

I don't blame you at all - you were caught on the hop and trying to do your best. But now you've had some time to think about. It's horrible to see a new side to a friend, but this guy has just revealed than he thinks women are for using - his girlfriend used for childcare, and now you, to be used to persuade her to come back.

I think all we're trying to say is not to let yourself be used by him (with all good intentions on your part). I echo the advice to contact her and tell her you support her.

I feel a pang for his dcs and part of me says not to cut him off just because I think they need adults in their life who know about appropriate ways to behave. But that's for the longer term. In the short-term, the top priority is for everyone to be clear that he has crossed the point of no return in his behaviour.

Sneezecakesmum · 24/02/2014 10:14

It's not the fact that it's water lucy but that he held her down That is truly horrific and must have terrified her.

pictish · 24/02/2014 10:19

As for you Lucy "it's WATER!" and "couples row".

The very act of holding her down and pouring water over her face is designed to punish, humiliate, and register the right to control.
It was quite deliberate in its design.
The only thing he regrets now, is over playing his bullying hand.

CuntyBunty · 24/02/2014 10:20

My apologies Lucy, I didn't come on the thread to start scoring points or levelling insults at you. I let my standards slip due to the strength of my feelings. I am sorry.

LucyLasticBand · 24/02/2014 10:21

accepted thanks cunty

LucyLasticBand · 24/02/2014 10:22

i jsut think if op gets over involved in either of them, they will do their own thing, anyway. and who knows, turn against her for putting her nose in!