Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Would you ever go back to someone who....

136 replies

curiousgeorgie · 23/02/2014 23:39

Held you down in bed and poured water all over your face?

My very close friend did this to his gf this morning and (of course!) she has walked out..

She is absolutely amazing. Takes care of his kids more than he does, embraced us all as family, is generally fantastic and we love her.

He wants her back... Is devastated and seems sorry. We're advising him massive apologies and much grovelling... It's a lost cause right?

OP posts:

Superworm · 24/02/2014 00:19

If you would choose her, then start supporting her.

Your friend can look after himself.she may un-choose you otherwise.

AnyFuckerHQ · 24/02/2014 00:20

OP, everyone else on your thread is saying the same as me

why are you singling me out ?

Original poster

curiousgeorgie · 24/02/2014 00:22

Jesus Christ... I'm done. Thanks for the unnecessary bullying advice.

Anything helpful I could have heard for her was lost in my berating for opening my front door.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerHQ · 24/02/2014 00:23

Your friend, that you supported today, is the bully < shrug >

Botanicbaby · 24/02/2014 00:25

"It was a shock and he was hysterical in front of my 3 year old..."

so this friend doesn't bother to get out of bed at weekends to see to his own kids and after his extremely abusive behaviour to his g/f, he comes round to yours and he has the cheek to be hysterical in front of your 3 year old? I'd be fuming at him for that as well as his behaviour towards the g/f.

He clearly has no thoughts for anyone but himself, its absolutely pathetic. I hope this g/f has nothing more to do with him. His poor kids.

If you want advice, I'd say tell him to put his kids first in future and take some responsiblilty for them. His relationship is most definitely a lost cause.

VelmaD · 24/02/2014 00:26

Curious, get some sleep and reread all of this in the morning with a clearer head.

No one is bullying you. But they are evidently saying stuff you dont want to hear.

This is your friends fault. You asked for advice. We all said do not encourage him to grovel or apologise like you said you were doing in your original posts, and to get him to let her go.

Its hard as a mutual friend, but you need to see this episode for what it is.

doubleshotespresso · 24/02/2014 00:27

OP what does it matter that "as far as you are aware" your "friend" has not been abusive before? Is this not enough on its own?

I don't blame your poor friend for hanging up the phone- she was calling you for support and found him at your house! What response did you honestly expect?

You "would choose her" -does she know that? In her shoes I know how. I would be feeling..... You need to call her and explain you were sprung with him at the door - nobody is talking to you like s*. They are trying to make you see what we can all see through clearly from your posts.

You made a snap response which could have been better judged. A good friend would admit that and offer support (and drop your other friend promptly....)

Hope she is ok and that you make amends.....

badbaldingballerina123 · 24/02/2014 00:31

What sort of bloke turns up screaming and crying at someone's house? I'd have told him to fuck off . No three year old needs to witness that.

Anonynonny · 24/02/2014 00:36

He came to you for 2 reasons:

to ensure that he got to you before she got to you, so that he could claim your support before she did

to ensure that her means of support from their mutual friends is blocked because he's taken it.

You need to get on the phone to her and let her know that the support you have to give, will come in her direction not his.

Also, he is abusive. He punished his girlfriend for not looking after his kids because he has come to see it as his entitlement that that's what she does. You should not be thinking in terms of can this be fixed - he has no right to have a girlfriend because he mistakes them for useful domestic servants. Your other friend deserves better than him.

I don't think it matters how you handled it tbh, it was a shock you don't know what's going on, you didn't recognise the abuse dynamics when you were first presented with the; but you can bet your bottom dollar that this is the last straw and as everyone else is saying, you've got tomorrow to sort out your response to this situation. Good luck.

anapitt · 24/02/2014 08:05

Op you sound like a good friend of both trying to navigate a horrible situation and I have no idea why some here are giving you such a pasting

ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 24/02/2014 08:22

He is a monster! held her down while pouring water on her face! Isn't that a form of torture.

I'd let him rot and I've let male friends who have done much less to their girlfriends rot

Whocansay · 24/02/2014 08:22

OP, in your shoes I would cut him off entirely and support her. I wouldn't want him in my life. What he did to the gf was abusive and wrong whichever way you look at it and I would advise her to run for the hills. Then he came to you to get you to take his side and isolate her. He then behaved totally inappropriately in front of your child because he's a selfish, self centred bastard.

I'm not sure my initial reactions would have been much different. I'd be in shock too, if I'd known and trusted someone for that long. It looks like your eyes have been opened in a horrible way. I hope you and your dc are OK this morning OP.

ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 24/02/2014 08:23

What I'm saying op is, I would cut him off. I couldn't be friends with someone who did this to a partner. He sounds deranged.

LoisPuddingLane · 24/02/2014 08:27

Also, I presume when he came round to you doing the hysteria act, he'd left his children with his girlfriend? So she is his default childcare by the sound of it.

Lweji · 24/02/2014 08:27

OP you got some harsh comments, but your initial actions are not surprising given the shock.

However, it's all written and you can read the advice and take what you want from it.

I hope you stick by the poor woman and let her know it, asap.

Logg1e · 24/02/2014 08:55

OP I think you responded reasonably, given the situation and the awful shock it must have been to piece this all together about your friend and their relationship.

Some thoughts that occur to me.

I would now reach out to the woman and show her categorically that you "have her back" and are there to support her. That you in no way condone the behaviour of your mate.
I suspect that this isn't the only event. She needs to know that you in no way minimise what he did and that nobody expects her to accept any bit of his shitty behaviour.
Him? I don't know. I really don't know how I could be civil with him. Firstly for what he did, and secondly for how he reacted. Why was he hysterical and crying on your doorstep??

Longdistance · 24/02/2014 08:58

No I would never get back with someone who held me down and poured water on my faces that sounds horrific and abusive.

Your friend is a cunt, and you have your own agenda to complete as you say both your friends are godparents to your dc. Step away from that view, it is their relationship, and it is not for you to get involved.

LisaMed · 24/02/2014 09:05

Erm, you're trying to find ways of salvaging a very abusive relationship in your first post.

I think that is what people are reacting against. The relationship should not be salvageable. You should do what you could to prevent her going back.

I think you should keep a bit of distance from the man, tbh, so that he doesn't do the drama in front of your kids. I feel for his kids, though. It looks like the responsible adult in that relationship has been driven away.

Good luck, it must have been a shock to you.

CuntyBunty · 24/02/2014 09:11

AnonyNonny has the best reasoning and advice so far OP with the same sentiment as the more aggressive posts, but a more palatable tone.

I agree with everyone on here about poor GF and your hopefully STBX friend. Itwas a shock, you weren't the perpetrator and you don't deserve to be virtually screamed at or talked to like you are a piece of shit. That is a real pity and only closes down debate. I do hope that hasn't driven you from the thread with all of its good advice and clear thinking.

How are you this morning? Have you digested some of more rational advice on here?

CuntyBunty · 24/02/2014 09:16

Who was it said, "men are abusive because they have a whole society behind them telling them it's ok to be a shit"? Fucking depressing edict, because it is oh so true. Please don't become a part of that society.

For those of you with nothing better to do other than pick over semantics, I will adjust it just for you: Some men are abusive because.....There you go, save your breath.

anapitt · 24/02/2014 09:29

Op if you are still around , how did your male friend give any possible explanation for what he did ? Are you sure this is the first instance of abuse ?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/02/2014 09:33

Your male friend is clearly not what he seems to be at all and I would disassociate myself from him as of now. This man also visited you I think for the reasons Anoynonny has cited; power and control are at the heart of all this.

Your own friendship with this lady may now not be recoverable given your own sympathetic actions, you let this man into your home. This man also being hysterical in of your own child should never have been tolerated by you in your home.

BeCool · 24/02/2014 09:36

He's not abusive.
Clearly he IS abusive.
It wanted to get his P up to look after his kids, held her down and poured water in her face.
THIS IS ABUSIVE and you know it - which is why she left him and why you are so mad at him.

LucyLasticBand · 24/02/2014 09:38

people have rows
none of your business.
and it woudl be a lot easier if you didnt make it your business.

they might make up,thye might not.
yes, of course he should grovel.

CuntyBunty · 24/02/2014 09:46

That's not " just a row", you really shouldn't minimise it Lucy. Maybe I'm just lucky, but in my 20 years together with DH, we have had rows, but none that involved anything like being held down and having water poured on either of us.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6