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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you ever go back to someone who....

136 replies

curiousgeorgie · 23/02/2014 23:39

Held you down in bed and poured water all over your face?

My very close friend did this to his gf this morning and (of course!) she has walked out..

She is absolutely amazing. Takes care of his kids more than he does, embraced us all as family, is generally fantastic and we love her.

He wants her back... Is devastated and seems sorry. We're advising him massive apologies and much grovelling... It's a lost cause right?

OP posts:

VelmaD · 23/02/2014 23:59

Please dont support him. Support her. Speaks volumes that you rung her and made her feel like you were on his side. No wonder she hung up. What a manipulative bastard screaming and crying at you, no fucking respect for your children or family. Says it all.

Tell him to get some help. Before he completely ruins someones life.

UsingMyRedPen · 24/02/2014 00:00

There is no way back from this for them as a couple, not if she's got any self respect. Nor should there be any way back. From the very little you've said about it, it already sounds like he needs to get some help. That's what you need to be advising. Calmly, not with screaming.

Original poster

curiousgeorgie · 24/02/2014 00:01

We've known him all our lives ( well, mine, but friends with DH for 13 years)

I can't believe he would do this.

He's not abusive.

Mother of his children left him for someone else when the youngest was 6 months... No abuse as far as we know and we're very friendly with her for the relationship with the children ( we are godparents to them)

OP posts:

waltermittymissus · 24/02/2014 00:01

Ffs he showed up crying and shouting so you phoned her and said he was with you?

You should have sent him away with a giant fuck off.

AnyFuckerHQ · 24/02/2014 00:01

You exposed your kids to him

Then called her while it was clear he was at your house ?

Told him to apologise and grovel

But you don't condone any of it ?

of course

waltermittymissus · 24/02/2014 00:02

He's not abusive

Yes, he is. And therein lies the problem. You are on his side because you don't think he's an abuser.

Original poster

curiousgeorgie · 24/02/2014 00:03

I said he was going and I would come to her... I'm not a bloody monster.

DH was taking him home but trying to calm everything down. Two small children ( and another friend) in the house... Not exactly idyllic situation...

OP posts:

waltermittymissus · 24/02/2014 00:04

Why were you and dh babysitting him after what he did to that poor woman?

AnyFuckerHQ · 24/02/2014 00:04

I have some bedtime reading for you, OP [http://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656 here]]

I get you are in shock. I hope that, tomorrow with the benefit of some hindsight, you will realise how your own reaction to these events has been damaging of itself and that you will put it right. For her.

UsingMyRedPen · 24/02/2014 00:04

He is abusive. There are many kinds of abuse. Just one incident is enough.

AnyFuckerHQ · 24/02/2014 00:05

here

Original poster

curiousgeorgie · 24/02/2014 00:05

AnyFucker - I didn't 'expose my kids to him'

They live here and he showed up... I've known him for 30 years!!!!

You're being a little bit over the top in regards to me I think, please reign it in, I didn't hurt anyone, I'm trying my best to help and an accusatory tone at every sentence is making me just want to turn the phone off.

OP posts:

VelmaD · 24/02/2014 00:08

He is abusive.

No one on the outside believed my father was. He was a youth worker, a school governor. His second family think the sun shines out of his arse. But they didnt see what he did behind closed doors.

Even my mums own parents told her she was silly to leave. It took years.

he is abusive to do this. He held someone down and hurt and humiliated them.

BeforeAndAfter · 24/02/2014 00:08

Your friend should get both you and the water-pourer out of her life. How could you even think it was appropriate to phone her while he was with you?

His behaviour was cruel and abusive and only designed to make sure she does what he wants when he wants.

Open your eyes.

Original poster

curiousgeorgie · 24/02/2014 00:10

Jesus Christ... How do people come on this board???

Came on for legitimate advice and getting total blame for a situation I didn't even witness!

The sum total of my wrongs today was opening the door while cooking Sunday dinner!

OP posts:

Superworm · 24/02/2014 00:12

If someone poured water on my face because I wouldn't get up to look after their kids - I wouldn't go back, no.

I would imagine this was the final straw of a fair few straws.

You may have to choose here I think and your choice will speak volumes.

VelmaD · 24/02/2014 00:12

Curious you asked for advice.

The advice is to get him to leave her alone. Don't let him try and apologise and win her back. Get him to get help for his abusive behaviour.

dont encourage him to grovel. Encourage him to get therapy.

And open your eyes to abuse. Just a wee bit more than they currently are.

AnyFuckerHQ · 24/02/2014 00:13

You have taken no counsel from this thread at all then ?

You are completely happy with how you have handled it ?

It's not too late to put it right if you want to

Your "friend" can sort his own life out...you are not responsible for him. For your own reaction though ? Yep, you are.

Original poster

curiousgeorgie · 24/02/2014 00:15

When I said he wasn't abusive, I was clearly stating that he has never been a dive before as far as I know, in regards to his previous relationship ( as far as I know!)

My eyes are open...

Is there always this 'blame whoever we can' culture on here?!

And don't worry, I would chose her, as I said above, I know he's in the wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

curiousgeorgie · 24/02/2014 00:15

Dive? Damn phone... Abusive!

OP posts:

waltermittymissus · 24/02/2014 00:16

Then why not tell him to just leave her alone?

What do you want from this thread?

QuietNinjaTardis · 24/02/2014 00:16

If a 'friend' turned up saying they did this to their gf then they would no longer be my friend. I would also be advising her to phone the police and report the assault. And no if she has any sense she won't go back.

Original poster

curiousgeorgie · 24/02/2014 00:16

Any fucker - are you serious??

Why exactly are you talking to me like a piece of shit? I didn't do this, someone I know did?!

OP posts:

Original poster

curiousgeorgie · 24/02/2014 00:18

I called her from my bedroom by the way, after telling DH to just take him home!

OP posts:

AnyFuckerHQ · 24/02/2014 00:18

Your actions so far would indicate you have chosen him and that he isn't in the wrong. Words are cheap etc

Are you going to put that right ?

he took you by surprise by turning up "shouting and crying" in front of your kids

I get that

Tomorrow, with hindsight, will you do anything differently ?

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