The reason your DH had an affair was because you didn't have sex enough

[PTFsWife]

I just need to write this down to get it off my chest more than anything because if not, it will fester and not end well.

So my husband had an affair last year, which I have written about on here. We are working together to get though it and make our marriage stronger. We have had counselling individually and jointly and basically it is all moving in the right direction. He is trying very hard and if there can ever be a 'good' outcome of an affair, I think we have it in that our marriage is better than it was before because we are both more committed to fixing it.

Several of my friends (and family) knows about the affair. One friend also knows (as I confided to her drunkenly last year) that my husband and I had only had sex twice in the last year. As it turns out, our sex life had been an issue for years (since the arrival of kids) but it had been improving just about the same time that he started his affair ironically.

So I was chatting to my friend today about our marriage and mentioned that although things were better and we were working hard to work through issues - and have even managed to have sex a few times which was a big deal for me given what he had done - sex was still irregular in our house and I wasn't sure if that was due to the affair or more of a continuation of our previous sexless marriage.

And my friend then said: 'The reason he had the affair is because you didn't have sex often enough. Men need sex. Do not underestimate that. You have to have sex more often, even if you don't feel like it, you just have to. The more you have it, the more you will want to and the better it will be.' This was meant as well meaning advice - not to be hurtful.

I understand her thinking because that is exactly the reason I believe he had an affair - he got attention from someone and got to have sex. He knows it was a monumental mistake and is immensely sorry.

The reason this has upset me is that my friend's attitude - and it's probably an attitude shared by many people - is that I am partly to blame for my husband's affair because I wasn't having sex with him enough. Even if they don't say it, it's what they think.

I know that it probably helped contribute to it, but I have always refused to accept responsibility for him having an affair. He doesn't expect me to either. He blames himself for his actions entirely. But I know that there are others out there who think like my friend i.e. that I obviously wasn't keeping my man satisfied so he had to look elsewhere. And that pisses me off and makes me deeply sad at the same time.

Thank you for reading this diatribe. I'm not really looking for answers - I just needed get it down and out of me.

Offred your arguments have been excellent. I'm glad someone can be bothered to argue with such clarity. It must feel like banging your head off a wall at times.

Oh and op good luck.

Thanks guys. Wish you well ptf. Recovering from affairs is always difficult, but not impossible. I hope whatever happens you're happy in the end!

In my experience it's not only about sex, it's about connecting. Relationships can lose their spark, their joy, for a variety of reasons, tiredness from kids, pressure of work, money worries, or just simply boredom.

So then when one partner has been grumbled at, after a long hard day at work, ''you never help me wash the car, hoover the lawn, cut the carpet, water the kids - whatever' then the idea of sex drops off the radar a bit.

Then there's the slobby, but oh so wonderfully comfy and relaxing after a busy day, trackies, the not bothering to shave ones legs (or chin), well, it's Wednesday and nothing ever happens on a Wednesday does it> Oh look Dancing with the Stars is on...

And gradually, one, or both partners begin to feel less cared for, less wanted, less desired, and before you know it, that new guy at work, well, he really did smile at me just then, did't he? Or that girl who works at the newsagent, she's always saying Hello in a special way - isn't she?

Thats how affairs start. A simple smile. The idea of someone being interested in you, not just for cooking / cleaning / paying the bills / fixing the leaking toilet / earning a wage / whatever, but you as a person.

And as for Phal declaring men can control themselves but women are sexual beings - wtf?? Pfffttt!

And Scarlett claiming he gave himself permission to have an affair, they should go back further and investigate - WHY did he grant himself permission, was it because he felt a disconnect?

It all goes back to basics - talk. Communicate. You both nee to put effort in. Work at your relationship. Develop tolerance. Find a middle ground. Have date nights. Remember why you fell in love in the first place.

No sex is a symptom of something else more important. Finding and fixing that is the priority. You were both responsible for the failure to do that. But I know how it can be....life gets in the way, tiredness and stress take their toll and people can fail to realise how important it is to keep in touch emotionally and sensually with each other while the world carries on turning around them.

He had an affair because he wanted to. That is it. Full stop. It wasn't carelessness or an accident, he made deliberate decisions to do something fundamentally damaging and selfish.

I am glad he isn't blaming you. Your friend is a simplistic fool.

I’m probably an unusual poster here, as I am a married man, but I appreciate the female perspective that I gain by reading various female perspectives.

So, as a guy, let me share how I think about this...

First, as a mid-40s father of three who has been married for 12 years, I know that life gets busy and is more complicated than when couples are just one on one. However, and please listen here, it is important that men don’t feel as though they have fallen off of your priority list. It’s important for your man not to feel like you are more attentive to which color flowers are best for the planters, which lampshades should I go with in the living room, etc., than him and his needs, whether emotional or physical.

I find myself in a similar quandary. My wife isn’t all that interested in sex anymore, and I’m not sure that there is a good answer. I can either live with it, have a physical affair, or get a divorce. Obviously none of those are good outcomes. I adore my wife, do all that I can for her (have moved us across the country to be close to her family, help out plenty around the house, support her having outside help for cleaning, childcare, etc.), and have spoken with her at length about the importance sex has in our relationship, but it has now become something that I really can’t talk with her about anymore.

So, I understand the backlash that this guy is facing, and I certainly don’t condone his actions. However, please understand that men have a really tough time with the loss, or significant reduction, of sex in marriage. I’m not sure that there is a parallel equivalent for women who aren’t all that sexual (anymore). Perhaps it would hit home more if your husband stopped providing something that you valued highly, like security, safety, companionship, or the breadwinner role.

Feels a bit like it’s an impossible task, frankly. Very depressing...

You should read the other thread Eurobuck where the female poster hasn’t had sex because her 52 year old husband quite clearly has medical and/or emotional issues. There are a large minority of female posters saying leave/ have an open marriage/have an affair.

Truth is men and women in equal measure are capable of making their own physical needs of greater priority than anything else. The dick and vagina can lead the brain.

Brilliant Eurobuck, you help your wife with cleaning her house.

It’s important for your man not to feel like you are more attentive to which color flowers are best for the planters, which lampshades should I go with in the living room, etc., than him and his needs, whether emotional or physical.

Have you made meeting your wife's emotional and physical needs a priority? What does she say they are?

*Almost all the couples (with infidelity issues) she sees are having sex, but have shit relationships.

Regular sex does not automatically equal a good relationship*

This.

We had a lot of sex. His entitlement and devaluing me was the real problem. Because, men NEVER cheat of women who love and desire them, oh no!

OP, if your H was feeling neglected, it was up to him to communicate that.

And if he did and you ignored, didn't hear him or take his feelings into account when balancing them against your feelings, then that is an area you need to work on.

It isn't about the sex per se.

People have affairs because they are not getting something in their marriage. Sex/attention/affection/respect/companionship etc. Your friend is a dick to blame you though.

Your husband may well have had an affair due to lack of sex but what caused the lack of sex? Usually lack of emotional intimacy, resentment, exhaustion from family life. Were your needs being met in all of these? Probably not. Did you run off and shag someone else to fix it? Nope.

Marriages have ups and downs but you fix your problems together. Not in someone else's pants.

I think this is often a reason that men and women choose to cheat.

The terms 'lack of sex' or 'not enough sex' seem very dismissive compared to the devastating effects on a person who is in a sexless relationship. Those relationships seem to almost always be devoid of any intimacy either as often the woman (of course it could be the man too) will avoid any kind of intimacy at all in case their partner gets the wrong idea.

Feeling unwanted sexually and undesired by the person they love can have a huge impact on a persons self esteem, mood and everything in general, it's not a small little thing.

There is also a thing called 'skin hunger', the need for meaningful human touch, it can often be satisfied by sex, but isn't necessarily a sexual need. Being deprived of this can also have devastating effects, affection IS important.
People are often depressed, lonely, tearful, suffer from mood disorders, inability to express emotions etc.

Combine the issues relating to skin hunger with being in a relationship where your partner could touch you if they wanted to and choose not to and I imagine that that can cause a considerable amount of pain.

However there are most likely reasons which led up a sexless (or very infrequent sex) relationship, and people can behave in ways that cause a lot of resentment, lack of communication etc...which then eventually lead to the lack of sex/intimacy and all of those other problems.

Often it is extremely difficult, if not impossible to fix a relationship where there has been little to no sex for a considerable period of time. This seems to affect women more than men, once they start to live like room mates or brother and sister for whatever reason all sexual attraction can die even if they love them.

I despise the term 'withholding sex'. I think it's awful. I love sex and couldn't be in a relationship which didn't have a fulfilling sex life. However you can be damn sure that if there were seriously problems in the relationships and he was being a dick I wouldn't be having sex at that time, that doesn't mean I am 'withholding' it, ugh, hate that term!

So my main point is this, lack of sex is a huge factor and explanation to why some people do choose to cheat or feel pushed to it or craving touch/affection/sex from elsewhere, however lack of sex normally arises due to other resentments and problems in the marriage, because no person should feel like they have to have sex with their partner when they are not getting on at the time.

Off topic, but I have 2 children, a boy and a girl. I hope to instill the importance of communicating with their partner in the 2 of them when they are older. I think a massive pattern in the breakdown of relationships shows that the seeds for the destruction of the relationship start after kids are born, the tiredness, stress etc. at this time often allows resentments to build up at this point that a relationship often can't recover from.
My advice will probably be to explain that all of that is normal, to be tired, cranky, pissed off etc. but to not let the issues fester, deal with them quickly as they arise, acknowledge between themselves that this is normal for that stage and work to sort through the issues.
It is far easier to sort through the issues while you still like your partner as a person, while the resentments haven't become cemented in your mind and before things have been allowed to linger for years unsolved!

Agree user

Its also worth pointing out that plenty of people have affairs even though they have an active sex life. They want more attention and variety than person can provide and think they can get away with it so want to have their cake and eat it.

Oh absolutely signedupjust4this, there are definitely cases where people are just selfish and greedy, they often have a great home life but it's just not enough for them!

I agree @Jan45, and was also in that position for five years and like you managed to keep my genitals to myself.

Sex is a want not a need.

In some ways, the friend is making good points.

Sex isn't just sex, it's intimacy, comfort, reassurance and physically pleasurable (if done right). Releasing Oxytocin strengthens bonds. That's why it's also called Making Love.

When a couple doesn't have sex regularly, for want of a better phrase, you get 'out of practice' and the rare occasions aren't as good, or they're amazing and the rejection coming straight afterwards hurts all the more.

My wanky ex got plenty of sex, plenty of attention, he still cheated because I lost weight and he thought that meant I would cheat and started feeling sorry for himself, cheated and made my life hell for 3 years accusing me, because he thought he was punching above his weight.
Moral of the story pt 1, if the dirty dog dick is going to cheat, he will.
Pt 2, served him right when I kicked him out whilst he was sobbing like a baby and I dusted myself down, feeling and looking better than I had done in years.
Cheaters will cheat.
Simple as that

Sorry, but I agree with your friend 100%

I'm female. My DH rarely has sex with me. I adore him, and want sex with him, but there's often a "reason" that we don't.

We do however have more sex than you're having, in so much as we do it once a month. But it's simply nowhere near enough for me.

I have no desire to pursue another man. I love my DH. I fancy him etc.

HOWEVER if I was working in an environment where there were other men, and one came on to me sexually, I am not sure I could resist having an affair, purely because I feel neglected at home, and I have real sexual urges that just aren't being met.

So I think your friend is right.

You will always get women saying it's the mans fault if he cheats, and that no circumstances make it okay, but I think these comments tend to come from people who don't have any real experience of having a high libido (that cannot be controlled), and what that feels like when you are rejected. I could often scream/cry/punch a wall. It is all consuming for me.

You are not to blame.
I'd be wary of her after that sort of comment

This thread is 5 years old people!

It might be old, but it is still very relevant.

My guess would be that if I were to poll many guys that I know, they would say that they long for the intimate emotional connection that only sex can provide. I’m sorry if that seems singularly focused, but that is a (the) key difference between my relationship with my spouse and everyone else in this world.

To happycamper, it’s disappointing that you’ve chosen to use my words against me as a sort of sword fight. That’s a core reason why these types of issues become very large problems. Rather than try to internalize my perspective, whether or not you agree, you’ve chosen to attack it and shut it down. That is perhaps the biggest challenge in all marriages - the failure to validate each other’s feelings/perspectives/ideas. When that happens, it’s not hard to predict that problems will follow.