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Relationships

The reason your DH had an affair was because you didn't have sex enough

195 replies

PTFsWife · 19/02/2014 18:19

I just need to write this down to get it off my chest more than anything because if not, it will fester and not end well.

So my husband had an affair last year, which I have written about on here. We are working together to get though it and make our marriage stronger. We have had counselling individually and jointly and basically it is all moving in the right direction. He is trying very hard and if there can ever be a 'good' outcome of an affair, I think we have it in that our marriage is better than it was before because we are both more committed to fixing it.

Several of my friends (and family) knows about the affair. One friend also knows (as I confided to her drunkenly last year) that my husband and I had only had sex twice in the last year. As it turns out, our sex life had been an issue for years (since the arrival of kids) but it had been improving just about the same time that he started his affair ironically.

So I was chatting to my friend today about our marriage and mentioned that although things were better and we were working hard to work through issues - and have even managed to have sex a few times which was a big deal for me given what he had done - sex was still irregular in our house and I wasn't sure if that was due to the affair or more of a continuation of our previous sexless marriage.

And my friend then said: 'The reason he had the affair is because you didn't have sex often enough. Men need sex. Do not underestimate that. You have to have sex more often, even if you don't feel like it, you just have to. The more you have it, the more you will want to and the better it will be.' This was meant as well meaning advice - not to be hurtful.

I understand her thinking because that is exactly the reason I believe he had an affair - he got attention from someone and got to have sex. He knows it was a monumental mistake and is immensely sorry.

The reason this has upset me is that my friend's attitude - and it's probably an attitude shared by many people - is that I am partly to blame for my husband's affair because I wasn't having sex with him enough. Even if they don't say it, it's what they think.

I know that it probably helped contribute to it, but I have always refused to accept responsibility for him having an affair. He doesn't expect me to either. He blames himself for his actions entirely. But I know that there are others out there who think like my friend i.e. that I obviously wasn't keeping my man satisfied so he had to look elsewhere. And that pisses me off and makes me deeply sad at the same time.

Thank you for reading this diatribe. I'm not really looking for answers - I just needed get it down and out of me.

OP posts:
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frogslegs35 · 20/02/2014 16:14

So your friend graduated from and was very well conditioned by the School of fucking stupid.
What an utterly rubbish thing to say.
As others have said previously - even the ones that have huge amounts of sex at home will still cheat if are that way inclined.
Jan45 nails it in her last post.

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stalepalemale · 20/02/2014 16:36

Offred, Why can't women/people talk to their friends about sex? Are women meant to be delicate little frigid flowers in your world view? Is sex something to be ashamed of? Do you apply the same standards to men?

I think that chatting to friends about the problems in your sex life, and your relationship in general, is disloyal and disrespectful to your DP and can cause a lot of trouble, not least between the DP and the friend. I honestly believe it can be as damaging to a marriage as a bloke going to strip clubs.

Apart from "your husband had an affair because you weren't giving him enough sex and you should give him more even if you don't like it"

But the friend didn’t actually say anything at all about ‘giving him enough sex’ (which implies it’s her responsibility), it was about the two of them not having enough sex together. And the OP agrees: ‘that is exactly the reason I believe he had an affair - he got attention from someone and got to have sex’.

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PTFsWife · 20/02/2014 16:44

Thank you all. And LadyofSPain is right - this isn't about lack of sex, it was about lack of communication.

I don't talk about my sex life with a broad spectrum of people, just friends who I feel can be trusted, but this particular friend's response upset me.

Offred - to answer your question: my husband doesn't think sex is the reason for the affair. I think he feels that the distance between us contributed to him being open to him having an affair, but ultimately, I had the same distance and same lack of sex but I didn't choose to have one. He blames himself entirely and feels it was a stupid, stupid mistake. He has never been good at communicating and it has taken his affair to make him realise how important it is to communicate, which he is now doing.

But we do need to communicate about our sex life as it's still an issue. I had a chat with another close friend today (mainly because I was upset by the other friend's comment and wanted another perspective to see how universal that opinion was - I don't make a habit of chatting in depth about my sex life to people!) She opened my eyes to the fact that this is not my fault (the lack of sex, not the marriage). I won't go into the gritty details here as it's pretty personal, but she turned the way I have viewed our sex life on its head and made me realise that he is just as responsible for the deterioration in our sex life. I have felt for years that it was my fault. Now I can see why really I should have said something years ago and was just to embarrassed to.

Stalepalemale - I told my husband last night about the exact conversation with my friend so he does know that I have spoken about our sex life to my close friends. He is ok with that (even if it might make him slightly uncomfortable) - he knows that I need someone to talk about it.

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Lazyjaney · 20/02/2014 17:11

"I told my husband last night about the exact conversation with my friend so he does know that I have spoken about our sex life to my close friends. He is ok with that (even if it might make him slightly uncomfortable) - he knows that I need someone to talk about it"

How would you feel if he talked to some of his close friends too? (and kept on going until he also found one who told him he was not at fault)

You both got yourselves into this, you will have to both get yourselves out together, and playing the "I'm righter than you" game is not going to help much.

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stalepalemale · 20/02/2014 17:24

OP, I’m glad you told your DH that you've been chatting to friends about your problems having sex with him, but please don’t deliberately make him feel uncomfortable, even if you think you ‘need someone to talk about it’. And be prepared for his relationships with these friends to change, especially if he thinks they’ve told their DPs or mutual friends. But it’s good you’ve been honest with him – have you shown him this thread?

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PTFsWife · 20/02/2014 17:31

I'm not trying to make him deliberately uncomfortable stalepalemale. I need to talk to some female friends about this. When I was a preteen my mum gave me a book on what sex was. The rest I had to figure out by myself. There wasn't youtube back them with tutorials and even now I find it very difficult to find a sex therapist of coach in the UK. Without talking about it with other women, it is hard to know what is normal and what isn't. Perhaps I should have spoken to someone years ago to avoid this problem.

But equally, while I need to talk to some friends about this, I don't want to talk about it behind his back in the interests of open communication. So I am telling him - perhaps not all the details but he knows I am seeking some advice from friends. Similarly, if he spoke to his close friends about our sex life I would be ok with it if I felt that it would help him understand what to do differently/get a perspective that would help.

Lazyjaney - I don't think we are playing the 'righter than you game'. We both know that we have made mistakes and we're trying to work on them. I didn't start this thread to have my sex life pulled apart by a bunch of strangers on the internet. I posted it because I got the impression from a friend that I was to blame for my husband having an affair because we didn't have sex often enough and felt upset by it and wanted to get it off my chest.

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Jan45 · 20/02/2014 17:43

PTF, you carry on as you want, you can talk to any female friend you like and your OH will just have to lump it. You are not doing it for revenge, you need someone to support and listen to you, that is all. OP, you have done and said nothing wrong.

Your husband went behind your back and shagged someone else, you talking to your friend doesn't even come close to that and I can't believe some posters are comparing the two.

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stalepalemale · 20/02/2014 18:51

OP, chatting with 'some female friends' about your dire sex life risks humiliating your DH and poisoning your social circle.

Seek professional help if you are that worried about it. You will find a sex therapist if you look hard enough. Otherwise there are excellent books and resources (including MN).

Of course you shouldn't blame yourself for his affair, and I don't think your friend was saying that. But a sexless marriage is a ticking time bomb, and you both should really be doing everthing you can to fix that. Chatting with mates about it, drunk or not, will not help and may well make things worse.

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Offred · 20/02/2014 19:03

Why has this thread been invaded by MRAs?! Confused

Yes, talk to who you want about what you want. Discussing your sex life isn't inherently disloyal.

What have strip clubs got to do with anything at all. Are you promoting a 'women gossip, men perve' stereotype now?

I am opposed to strip clubs not because they are disloyal but because they are oppressive and I have an ethical problem with them. I believe in privacy but I don't think that means someone cannot choose to discuss their own relationship with someone else - obviously they are the best person to know what their partner's personal privacy preferences are.

What you say smacks of an attempt to guilt a cheated on partner into not saying anything in order to protect the infidelity not the privacy.

A sexless marriage is not an affair waiting to happen which is what you are trying to imply with that last comment.

The op's relationship wasn't sexless anyway, they were both not interested in having as much sex as they had before.

I cannot actually believe you would attempt to argue that the op is not allowed to stop blaming herself for the reduced sex now she's discovered he was having sex with someone else rather than having sex with her!

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Offred · 20/02/2014 19:04

Op should talk to who she wants about the affair, the rest is to stalepalemale...

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anapitt · 20/02/2014 19:48

I get what your friend says , albeit she is being insensitive.

it's nothing to do with men though. lots of people need/ want sex , affection, closeness. some not so much. sex twice in two years ? why so little?
I had an affair partly because my then husband withheld all of the above and someone else offered it in spades.

it was a bloody stupid thing to do on my part and I will regret it forever. But my husband was being crap and forever pushing me away

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Offred · 20/02/2014 19:52

I had an affair partly because my then husband withheld all of the above and someone else offered it in spades.

it was a bloody stupid thing to do on my part and I will regret it forever. But my husband was being crap and forever pushing me away

No, you had an affair because you didn't want to leave him yet. Leaving him would have been the correct response.

And the op wasn't withholding sex or pushing her h away. The reduced sex was coming from both sides she says.

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anapitt · 20/02/2014 19:52

and of course no one literally NEEDS sex !

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ReadyToPopAndFresh · 20/02/2014 20:02

Men do need sex OP. Their penises fall off if they don't get enough. True Fact Hmm

Your friend is a twat, dump her.

And to the total knobs on thread who have said the OP isn't allowed to discuss her relationship and should just shut up and be miserable with no one to discuss her cheating bastard husband with. Would you kindly fuck off? She shouldn't have anything to discuss with the friend, the fact that she does is her husbands fault entirely. It is not a problem both of them created.

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Lazyjaney · 20/02/2014 20:17

"and of course no one literally NEEDS sex"

That's just not true, apart from a small % with no/very low libido we are absolutely programmed for sex as a species at all levels, and we structure all our social systems and culture around it. People will go to great lengths and risks to get sex, it's a life force - ignore it at your peril.

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ReadyToPopAndFresh · 20/02/2014 20:27

Um what risks? DO you mean rape? Hmm


A "need" is water/food/air

Sex is a "who wouldn't that be lovely urge"

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WeileWeileWaile · 20/02/2014 20:31

I find it very difficult to find a sex therapist of coach in the UK

Some GUM clinics have a psycho-sexual therapist attached to their clinics, and will refer you directly - perhaps try ringing around and see if there are any local to you??

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rainbowsmiles · 20/02/2014 20:36

OMG are you for real??? The OP shouldn't discuss her problems with her friends. Get real. That is exactly who she should be discussing it with. Maybe she should have done it sooner by the sounds of it as her food friend seems to have enlightened her in some way.

Do you have shit friends or just plenty of cash that you would rather speak to a sex therapist.

The habit of woman blaming is ingrained I get that but really.... Men need sex???? Like they will literally die of they don't have sex. Eff aff.

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rainbowsmiles · 20/02/2014 20:38

Good friend although if she's anything like my good friends food friend works too.

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Offred · 20/02/2014 20:38

Lazyjaney - do you know what need actually means?

Humans enjoy sex and that distinguishes them from most other animals but they don't need sex.

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Offred · 20/02/2014 20:44

If sex really were essential rather than desirable we wouldn't criminalise rape would we?

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anapitt · 20/02/2014 20:55

lazyjaney there is a difference between highly desiring and being motivated to seek sex and actually NEEDING IT.
you NEED food and water.
you do NOT need sex . you won't die without it

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TarteAuxRiz · 20/02/2014 20:59

You not having sex with your husband was and is as much of an issue for HIM to resolve as you. It takes two. Your friend is somewhat misguided...

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Keepithidden · 20/02/2014 21:15

OP another male view here. I disagree with the others though. I'd be happy for my DW to talk to anyone about our shit sex life. I wish she would, even if it was along particularly disparaging lines. I don't think I'd feel humiliated.

For what its worth though I'd be surprised if our marriage isn't an affair waiting to happen, if previous MN cheater profiles are anything to go by anyway.

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Offred · 20/02/2014 21:32

Only if neither of you communicate or end it keep.

And still even then you'd have to choose to have an affair rather than do either of those things.

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