How do you make little daily decisions without controlling or being controlled by a partner?

[Contemplates]

Not huge decisions like where to live or which car to buy, but little things like where to keep the house plants.

I have a problem with my husband always moving things around (and he feels the same way about me).

Today we discussed whether to keep recipe books in the kitchen or the lounge shelves. I've put up with the books in the kitchen for about 2 years and they get used probably annually. But today I moved things off the windowsill and it was so lovely to see some space! When I mentioned the idea of moving the books back to the lounge I got a sharp "no!" and so if I really want to I clearly will have to do it by stealth (he won't bother to change it for a while and might even forget).

But I don't want to control him and don't want to be controlled by him! I just wish he didn't want to live in such a mess and expect me to as well.

Whenever I've talked to him and explained this, he's got a bit huffy and said he shouldn't have to do what I want. I return that idea back at him but he then gets huffy and seems to think its all one sided, and won't look at it reasonably.

So mumsnetters - do you have the same sort if skirmishes over silly little things and how do you decide who fairly 'wins'?

Appreciate the encouragement

Just bought I'd update - I had a really good week of standing up for myself over every little thing, and it felt really good!

The interesting thing is that the following week there was a major reaction from my husband, who suddenly announced one breakfast that he had enough and didn't want to be with me anymore. Just like that. He said how he just doesn't care anymore, about anything.

My reaction was to remove myself and the children until I figured out the best way forward, but then as the day went on he began to change his tune, saying he had just vented and didn't really feel like that.

But the trouble was, it had been said; and you can't take that back. He had put me through a day of hell, wondering where I will take the kids and how we will afford to live, and where we will take the children to school - all sorts of random thoughts about the uncertain future that weren't even needing to be sorted that same day.

He could see I had enough and was heading out of the door and panicked, booking a RELATE counselling session, asking me to go with him.

I did, and we're now in relationship counselling. I believe it is all because I began to change and the relationship dynamics shifted irretrievably. In a good way. So watch this space!

Good for you.
Hopefully this will be the kick on the arse that he needed.

Yes, fingers crossed. His reaction doesn't seem inconsistent with his previous attitude to the relationship. It has always been my way or the highway with him it seems to me. Hopefully he can pull his head out of his arse now but it is good you are prepared to leave if he doesn't start considering you an equal. Good luck! Whatever happens with the relationship I think you'll come out of this fine and so will your dc, you're a very strong person with good instincts.