VeryStressedMum Its all very well he wants the kitchen to look like the garden shed but if you disagree then a compromise should be reached, at the moment there is no attempt at compromise you are doing as he says He would probably argue the compromise is that there aren’t bags of manure in the kitchen too!
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cory we would also both be looking at each other to try to gauge "how much does she care? would she get upset That’s the sort of reasonable way I would want it viewed too, but the trouble is he sees it (or should I say SAYS he sees it) as though “why should she get her own way?”.
Fairylea I don't think he sounds very nice to be honest. ??I really didn't like the part where he booted you out of the bedroom with your prem dc onto an air bed so he could sleep and if you didn't like it basically tough I was SO angry about that I nearly left him over it.
Newyearchanger I am living with clutter I am not allowed to throw away.?I move things in the morning, he moves them back in the evening. That’s the game played here too, which is why I, refusing to play silly games, tried to always talk about it reasonably instead.
DIYapprentice The person who has to spend the most time in a space and who is the one who maintains it, gets to choose it. I do believe in being fair and can’t expect him to come home to a house that grates on him, but I do agree that if it is my work environment then I should have some say it it too. Even if it wasn’t my work environment I’d look for fairness in decision making.
happygirl87 we look to see if one person's way is more logical (e.g. drawing curtains keeps heat in and reduces energy bills, not just aesthetic) and if neither of us is we decide who cares more That logic I have tried to apply, but it comes back to the same problem – he says he shouldn’t have to bend to my every wish. I think the bottom line is that if it isn’t important to him he thinks it shouldn’t be important to me – another EA symptom I realize now!
wiltingfast ?Is it just the house and holidays that create issues op or does this go further? I believe it is over other things too, because, having read the EA article that Offred kindly posted the other day, I realise that when I first moved in with him, he threw loads of my stuff away because it wasn’t important to him. I was in the middle of an MS relapse at the time and didn’t really know what was happening until afterwards, by which time it was too late. Of course, his take on it was that he was helping, but since then when Iv’e been well, he’s tried to do the same and it was only when I threatened to start throwing his things out that he stopped.
FiscalCliffRocksThisTown ?And you you think YOU may be controlling, just for wanting them somewhere else? I did, but since speaking on this thread and reading around the subject, I see it completely differently. Its quite liberating actually.
ZorbaTheHoarder I think the fact that your family takes this view makes it harder for you to see the wood for the trees. I was quite disappointed they were like this, it made me doubt myself for sure. But after reading the article yesterday I realise that it is common for someone who is trying to stick up for themselves to come across as the baddie, even to professionals.??Thanks for confirming this is not normal! You asked why I even ASK him where things should go, its because I know it will get moved back and I will have a hard time over it, and that I will be accused of being controlling. However things are going to be different now because I realise that I am not being controlling at all.
Offred Even if he is behaving like this because he is anxious it isn't acceptable for it to manifest in this way. It is his problem and he cannot impose control on others in order to deal with his anxieties I am beginning to see that now. Up until starting this thread I honestly thought my role is to remain supportive, even to my own detriment, which I realize now is a form of EA.
I am doing so much better thank you! I read so much on the topic of EA and wrote it all out, logging down inch by inch where I feel I am being emotionally abused. It was so liberating! There is something powerful about writing it down, everything seems to click into place and I was making huge sense of where I am at, and what I can do about it. I can’t thank you enough.
Yesterday, between the hours of 12:30 and 4pm, he emotionally abused me 4 times. FOUR TIMES! My eyes were so open to it, and each time it happened I wrote it down and identified in which way it was emotionally abusing. By the 4th incident where I was standing by the door talking to him, and he cut me short, snapping at me “go and put the kettle on then”, I calmly but firmly told him in a level tone to stop being so bossy and if he wants a drink that urgently he can go and make one himself!” He was livid, but made it himself. He then asked for a kiss, but I said I was sorry but I didn’t really feel like kissing him if I was honest. He then said he was sorry for “possibly” being grumpy this afternoon. But I didn’t accept it because I said “possibly” leaves too much room for doubt, which sparked off another argument from him about how I should accept it gratefully! In the end he said he had apologised “tongue in cheek” as the start of an olive branch, but that I should have seen it for what it is, a peace offering. I didn’t accept that blame either, saying that any apology given tongue in cheek doesn’t count to me, and for that matter neither does thinking you can give heartfelt apologies if the behavior continues regardless.
He behaved himself the rest of the day.