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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you make little daily decisions without controlling or being controlled by a partner?

129 replies

Contemplates · 18/02/2014 22:56

Not huge decisions like where to live or which car to buy, but little things like where to keep the house plants.

I have a problem with my husband always moving things around (and he feels the same way about me).

Today we discussed whether to keep recipe books in the kitchen or the lounge shelves. I've put up with the books in the kitchen for about 2 years and they get used probably annually. But today I moved things off the windowsill and it was so lovely to see some space! When I mentioned the idea of moving the books back to the lounge I got a sharp "no!" and so if I really want to I clearly will have to do it by stealth (he won't bother to change it for a while and might even forget).

But I don't want to control him and don't want to be controlled by him! I just wish he didn't want to live in such a mess and expect me to as well.

Whenever I've talked to him and explained this, he's got a bit huffy and said he shouldn't have to do what I want. I return that idea back at him but he then gets huffy and seems to think its all one sided, and won't look at it reasonably.

So mumsnetters - do you have the same sort if skirmishes over silly little things and how do you decide who fairly 'wins'?

OP posts:
Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 01:13

Wow that article is food for thought. I have much to learn I can see.

Campion he is definitely not aspergers, but he is a functioning alcoholic who has been dry for 2 years now. I think his relationship with alcohol for most of his life has stunted his emotions a lot, but not made him as bad as aspergers emotionally.

OP posts:
Offred · 19/02/2014 01:16

I would think on it a bit more really, that link I posted is long and comprehensive and I think very good. I wouldn't discuss this with him and I would just think about it myself and maybe give women's aid a call - 0808 2000 247

Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 01:18

Hand on heart, Bird, I really believe you have the right picture of me.

Don't get me wrong I like things to go my way as it's my taste, and is lovely and comfortable, but who doesn't?!

And it doesn't stop me budging over and making room for someone else (accommodating).

I've asked him how we can live so we both are fair partners and he never really comes up with anything other than defensively asking for a list of things to prove what I am saying (other than what's being discussed at that time).

Unfortunately my memory doesn't serve me well and I always think of things after we've finished talking!

OP posts:
Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 01:20

Yes offred I will read it tomorrow. It looks like I will learn much that I don't know.

The number you gave me, will they talk it through or is it a run and hide number (which I don't need at this moment in time).

OP posts:
Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 01:22

Ah their website says for discussion and support Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 01:23

Well - got to get my sleep while I can.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
Offred · 19/02/2014 01:25

Yes, get some sleep contemplates! I will too!

campion · 19/02/2014 01:26

People with aspergers don't have stunted emotions but they do like control over aspects of their lives.

However, if the problem's related to alcohol in some way then that makes the situation complicated enough for you to be looking for some outside support (apart from mumsnet, of course Smile)

Monty27 · 19/02/2014 01:28

He wouldn't be sleeping in any room in my house if it were me, that aside, I'd put the cookery books in the charity shop and look online for recipes Angry

Sorry OP, possibly not much help, I'm long in the tooth and don't put up with any crap. Start early. :)

Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 01:28

Fair point. I was expecting tonight to just get some tips and stories from people who get this all the time and have some tricks up their sleeves for how to deal with it.

Wasn't quite expecting to learn what I have! Goodnight folks and thanks again

OP posts:
Newyearchanger · 19/02/2014 01:33

Yes, I have experience of this. Unfortunately.
It boils down to him wanting his own way, with an element of lack of respect for you and your way thrown in.
And not seeing your point of view.
I think it's quite serious because effectively he is not allowing you to make choices and decisions .

Monty27 · 19/02/2014 01:36

I do too Newy

Start as you mean to go on I say. Equality. And I don't want to sound like a rampant left winger or anything, but in relationships I am.

Monty27 · 19/02/2014 01:37

sorry that sounded wrong, I'm quite left wing on most levels but not using OP to express it Blush

Newyearchanger · 19/02/2014 01:42

I found as time went on, if he wanted his own way about these things and he wasn't getting it, he would embellish reasons why we had to do things a certain way or get quite forceful about something being in good taste, or bad taste etc ..... Resorting to undermining me or veiled insults about my taste . It gets very wearing .

Monty27 · 19/02/2014 01:44

Me too Newy. It was fortunately a fair while ago and he's been gone for about 16 years :)

Newyearchanger · 19/02/2014 01:59

Not least because its a fecking waste of time to have to discuss the cookery books in the kitchen!
And you are the one at home so tell him you have first dibs. On everything at home.

Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 09:39

You're right, it is tiring. More disheartening really. It's easy to think if you hang on surely they will 'see the light' and the nicer side will re emerge.

I've been reading the article (given last night) this morning and was starting to feel guilty that I can see myself in some of the description - criticising, ignoring etc. but as I read on it soon became apparent that sticking up for yourself by criticising BAD behaviour is not abuse! And neither is ignoring someone instead of taking the bait as it were. So perhaps it is more of an understandable position I find myself in. More reading to do - but with 2 kids aged 3 and below it's going to take me a while.

I feel a renewed confidence and resolve for things to be different though, not in the sense of being burdened by it all, but in a peaceful and positive kind of a way.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 19/02/2014 09:57

I'd disagree that someone who doesn't work should have all their own way in house arrangements, the other person is paying for the house and it's their home too. They should have an equal say though, and the person who spends most of the time in the kitchen should get to say how kitchen stuff is arranged.
If he rarely spends time in the kitchen why does he care what is on the windowsill? That's the bit I don't get. Can you ask him why he is so bothered about how the kitchen windowsill is arranged if he's rarely in there. Watering can's aren't display objects to me.
It sounds as though he doesn't respect or value your opinions. The stuff sounds too important here.
Does he resent you no longer working?
re holidays you either compromise or take it in turns re the type of holiday you have.
You sound incompatible ? go to Relate.

Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 10:10

He doesn't do housework but is a real foodie and so likes to cook.

The watering cans are functional because he likes to be in charge of watering plants - he says that if we both do it we will either think the other person has and neglect them or drown the things! He doesn't seem to get that all you have to do it touch the soil to decide but hey...

But we have plants in every room downstairs and so my argument like yours is that watering cans are not ornamental and should live somewhere else. I think he just likes the idea that the kitchen would look like his garden shed!

Regarding the holidays we were compatible until having children, and then he seemed to get spooked by the idea of taking children abroad. He is twitched if they cry around other people In a public place for example, and of course on holiday you're in a lot of unknown public places without the safe retreat of running home after a few hours.

Like I said when he's gone on my holiday choice he's preferred it to his own 'safe' option.

OP posts:
hickorychicken · 19/02/2014 10:12

With this type of thing my word is final as he cant be bothered to argue but i would til blue in the face!!

canyourearme · 19/02/2014 10:18

It sounds a riot in your house.

laregina · 19/02/2014 10:19

DH doesn't give a monkeys about any 'design' issues so is happy to go along with whatever I want - and to muck in with anything I can't do myself.

On the big things, or even the little things that we're both bothered about, we talk about it and make a decision together. Because we're grown-ups who love each other and want to make each other's lives easier, not harder.

Offred · 19/02/2014 10:30

That wasn't quite what I meant 2rebecca. Obviously everyone has input into their own home but if you're working at home looking after children and doing housework it can have very negative consequences for your mental health if you are in unpleasant/impractical surroundings and I'd have thought most WOH partners would understand this and wouldn't worry about moving a few cookbooks to the living room so the SAH partner could set it up in a way that worked and wasn't depressing.

Offred · 19/02/2014 10:34

Sounds more and more like a control freak.

Can't allow you to water plants or put watering cans away, can't deal with babies crying in public or going on trips away.

Offred · 19/02/2014 10:36

It is quite normal for a pattern of abuse to develop during pregnancy or after dc btw.

Even if he is behaving like this because he is anxious it isn't acceptable for it to manifest in this way. It is his problem and he cannot impose control on others in order to deal with his anxieties.