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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you make little daily decisions without controlling or being controlled by a partner?

129 replies

Contemplates · 18/02/2014 22:56

Not huge decisions like where to live or which car to buy, but little things like where to keep the house plants.

I have a problem with my husband always moving things around (and he feels the same way about me).

Today we discussed whether to keep recipe books in the kitchen or the lounge shelves. I've put up with the books in the kitchen for about 2 years and they get used probably annually. But today I moved things off the windowsill and it was so lovely to see some space! When I mentioned the idea of moving the books back to the lounge I got a sharp "no!" and so if I really want to I clearly will have to do it by stealth (he won't bother to change it for a while and might even forget).

But I don't want to control him and don't want to be controlled by him! I just wish he didn't want to live in such a mess and expect me to as well.

Whenever I've talked to him and explained this, he's got a bit huffy and said he shouldn't have to do what I want. I return that idea back at him but he then gets huffy and seems to think its all one sided, and won't look at it reasonably.

So mumsnetters - do you have the same sort if skirmishes over silly little things and how do you decide who fairly 'wins'?

OP posts:
Offred · 19/02/2014 00:18

I don't understand what you mean by he has you over a barrel about the housework?

Do you mean you have to do it all because you are SAHM (not true, he should do some when at home) or that he can boss you about over how you should do it because he is the only earner (and you both think that means he owns you)?

AnyFuckerHQ · 19/02/2014 00:19

Do you ever quit bickering long enough about cookery books and the like to chat or have sex or summat ?

Offred · 19/02/2014 00:19

Nothing about how he is is because he is male IMO.

Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 00:19

Can you enlighten more more about it being abusive?

Perhaps I should ask my friends in real life, I just assumed they all have the same going on behind their closed doors!

OP posts:
Offred · 19/02/2014 00:21

Well what you describe IMO is being kept in domestic slavery by a tyrant of a man who not only expects that you do all the housework but that you do it his way and that your home and joint social life (holidays) are not something he feels you should have any input into so he just undoes any changes you make and only listens to other people's opinions about things like how you plan holidays.

Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 00:24

Offred - no I mean he has me over a barrel as I guess we both expect me to be able to do most of it with the baby here too. Plus I do get 2 hours outside help each week because I have a disability. Hence why I am SAHM when I don't want to be Hmm

But I was medically retired so I do have a small trickle of earnings coming through.

I guess he also has me over a barrel when he argues that my standards are too high and that if I 'see' dirt I should clean it rather than expect him to clean it because he doesn't see it.

Any - yeah we do stop bickering as you put it. These discussions usually only last 10 seconds.

OP posts:
Offred · 19/02/2014 00:26

It is quite normal, because the home is your working environment when you are a SAHM for you to be able to have the house how you like it and for your partner to help you keep it as pleasant for you as possible I think. That doesn't mean they don't have feelings about it or aren't interested but that they should be able to see that it is more important for it to be how you like it (within reason) and set up in a way that works for you practically because you are there for most of the time.

Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 00:28

Well to be fair - the thing about the holiday is more that I like to have a cheap holiday in the sun, say Spain or France, but he has become afraid to travel with young kids and sees it as too much bother.

He prefers to go to stay in a freezing 1960's caravan, with family in the uk where it's much less bother.

So I also thought it was a good idea for us both to choose a holiday each - I got my week and he got his. Everyone was happy, and actually when it came down to it I think he preferred my holiday to his own!

OP posts:
Offred · 19/02/2014 00:28

That and his approach, which is to just refuse to allow you to make any changes and basically abdicate himself of any responsibility for the environment - 'if you want it like that you have to do it'. Not good.

Offred · 19/02/2014 00:29

But you say this was a suggestion from a friend and if you had suggested it he wouldn't have listened - not normal.

Just doesn't sound like he is prepared to acknowledge you or that you have a voice never mind that your voice should be equal.

Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 00:30

Offred - I LOVE what you put in our last post.

And I recognise that some women are lucky enough to have that with their men.

But even with this fault it's not worth a divorce, if you get me! Just don't know how to find my way through.

OP posts:
Offred · 19/02/2014 00:30

It isn't that the holiday thing is a particularly bad solution, just that it doesn't sound like he listens to you.

Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 00:31

I must admit that's sometimes how it feels.

OP posts:
Offred · 19/02/2014 00:32

I'm not sure how you find your way through either tbh :/

I don't think you should think of an equal relationship with someone who respects you and listens to you and shares responsibilities, decisions and work as something some lucky women have. It should be normal.

Offred · 19/02/2014 00:32

And expected.

EverythingCounts · 19/02/2014 00:33

Is there any aspect of the house where he doesn't disagree with or comment on your preferences at all, but just lets you get on and have stuff your way? And I mean without even bringing it up.

Offred · 19/02/2014 00:34

It sounds like you have at least fleetingly considered a divorce?

What were the reasons you decided it wasn't worth it?

Offred · 19/02/2014 00:36

How would he feel if you came to his workplace and started rearranging it to suit you and barking at him that he couldn't have any input?

Offred · 19/02/2014 00:37

Or leaving it dirty and saying if he didn't like it he'd have to sort it out all by himself because you didn't feel there was anything wrong with it being dirty...

Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 00:37

Offred - the thing I don't get is that here on MN you often find people saying that this sort of behaviour isn't normal or ok, but I honestly thought EVERYONE lives like this in one way or another, as it's hard to live with someone else. Everyone has different goals and ideas etc. I suppose what I'm saying is no one is perfect, including me. Although I have to say I do think I try to accommodate him more than the other way round.

But one of his problems is just he is very self centred, and one of mine is that I am probably too giving.

I suppose I feel lucky he's faithful and not a wife beater as not everyone has that!

OP posts:
Offred · 19/02/2014 00:39

Yes it is true that people have stupid arguments about stupid things and that no-one is perfect but what you describe sounds to me quite abnormal and toxic.

This particularly; "I suppose I feel lucky he's faithful and not a wife beater as not everyone has that!" is very sad and is also a classic thing to say/feel when you are being abused.

AnyFuckerHQ · 19/02/2014 00:40

I suppose I feel lucky he's faithful and not a wife beater as not everyone has that!

Where to start with that one ?

Offred · 19/02/2014 00:41

It sounds abnormal and toxic because it isn't silly arguments about silly things but by the sounds of it a consistent pattern of behaviour carried out by him because he doesn't think you are or should be allowed to be equal to him in the relationship.

Offred · 19/02/2014 00:42

one of his problems is just he is very self centred, and one of mine is that I am probably too giving

Is worrying too in conjunction with the other things you have said.

Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 00:43

Well I couldn't do that as he works in a hospital! But yeah I get your point. When you put it like that it does seem quite out of balance.

Yeah I was tempted to leave him a few months ago because he refused to help me overnight with our new baby. We had taken it in turns, a sort of shift work, so we could both sleep. But when he worked I did it alone.

He didn't agree with baby being in our room as he was fed up of the sleep deprivation and felt it was affecting his work. but I refused to move baby out early because he was premature. So I ended up on an air mattress in baby's room by myself every night even on his days off, because his opinion was a bit like cleaning - if you think it's necessary YOU do it then!

Actually it wasn't just that, I think that was the final straw. Only I was given such grief over the kids and how my relationship expectations are unrealistic because no one is perfect (this is my family and friends talking here!)

OP posts:
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