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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you make little daily decisions without controlling or being controlled by a partner?

129 replies

Contemplates · 18/02/2014 22:56

Not huge decisions like where to live or which car to buy, but little things like where to keep the house plants.

I have a problem with my husband always moving things around (and he feels the same way about me).

Today we discussed whether to keep recipe books in the kitchen or the lounge shelves. I've put up with the books in the kitchen for about 2 years and they get used probably annually. But today I moved things off the windowsill and it was so lovely to see some space! When I mentioned the idea of moving the books back to the lounge I got a sharp "no!" and so if I really want to I clearly will have to do it by stealth (he won't bother to change it for a while and might even forget).

But I don't want to control him and don't want to be controlled by him! I just wish he didn't want to live in such a mess and expect me to as well.

Whenever I've talked to him and explained this, he's got a bit huffy and said he shouldn't have to do what I want. I return that idea back at him but he then gets huffy and seems to think its all one sided, and won't look at it reasonably.

So mumsnetters - do you have the same sort if skirmishes over silly little things and how do you decide who fairly 'wins'?

OP posts:
Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 00:45

Oops hit send too early. Anyway things calmed down when baby slept through and it sort of blew over.

OP posts:
Tenalady · 19/02/2014 00:45

Ha ha, well I always say I spend the time cleaning and dusting and looking at the 4 walls so I get the decisions in décor and where I might put things that I may use to make our lives easier. Having said that, if the cookery books are never used, chuck them in the bin as it seems an odd place to have them in your lounge, that's only my opinion of course.

AnyFuckerHQ · 19/02/2014 00:45

He presents a better picture to your family and friends than the one you have described here then ? I bet you haven't even told us the half of it.

Anyone who feels the need to say "at least he doesn't cheat on me or beat me" is not in a healthy or even in a "good enough" relationship.

Offred · 19/02/2014 00:47

Plenty of people's family and friends support abuse with statements like you describe "unrealistic expectations".

Mine encouraged xp to take me to court and meddled with contact arrangements.

Sometimes family and friends shouldn't be trusted.

So as well as feeling you are not as important as him his dc are not as important?

It is well known advice that young babies should sleep in the same bedroom as the parents for the first 6 months and prem babies you have reason to be even more careful with this. He should know that as he works in the hospital, same as he should understand the importance of cleanliness and I think he does know these things. He must.

Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 00:47

Hey I didn't mean this to turn Into a counselling session but I really find your insights very helpful.

I feel like waking him up now to talk about this, but obviously I will wait for breakfast Wink

Thanks for setting a light to my path, I can see a few things a bit more clearly.

OP posts:
Offred · 19/02/2014 00:48

It sounds like what he does is punish you and the dc for having needs that might make you seem more important or as important as him.

VeryStressedMum · 19/02/2014 00:48

I think I must be lucky that dh doesn't give a toss where things are in the house and I make the majority of day to day mundane decisions re house or children. I'm a sahm so it wouldn't work if I couldn't do what I needed to make the house run smoothly (or as smooth as my house can run) or if I had to consult him on decisions like where to move stuff. But on big decisions we discuss things I wouldn't really make big decisions on my own but then neither does he.
It does sound tiring tbh and I do think you should be able to move stuff to where you want without being told no like a child.

Offred · 19/02/2014 00:49

I would hang fire on discussing with him tbh. Especially if he doesn't listen.

Why don't you speak to women's aid instead?

Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 00:50

The trouble is, some of his work colleague have told him they slept in separate rooms really early on. Sometimes medics think they're above common sense and he goes with that rather than me. Or the NHS!

OP posts:
Offred · 19/02/2014 00:51

If you feel it is fine and not abusive you have nothing to lose having a chat with them. If it isn't fine and you chat with him things could get much worse as with abuse of the kind I think you are experiencing any threats to his control will be met with some kind of force in order to put you in your place again.

Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 00:52

Because I worry that I am just being picky and ... What do they call it.. High maintenance!

OP posts:
Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 00:53

He's never been physically a problem.

OP posts:
Offred · 19/02/2014 00:53

I slept in separate rooms with abusive x and also non abusive h. With abusive x it was similar to what you describe - his needs more important and I was dictated to. With h it was because I got more sleep that way as had twins. It isn't the actual thing but how it is decided IYSWIM?

Offred · 19/02/2014 00:54

I don't think you can be high maintenance if your standard is basically 'well he doesn't beat me!'

VeryStressedMum · 19/02/2014 00:59

I do agree with a lot of the posts, if you have to ask to move cookbooks and are told no and you listen and do not move the cookbooks even though you really want them moved and he will not even consider your feelings on the matter then that is not very good. What would happen if you just moved them anyway? Are you afraid to move them? Or do you just know that they shouldn't be moved if he doesn't want them moved?

Offred · 19/02/2014 00:59

Sometimes medics think they're above common sense and he goes with that rather than me. Or the NHS!

Because he thinks he is more important than you and your dc I suspect not because he isn't aware of what is best for you.

Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 01:01

Arrggghh! Well it's not just about the fact he's not unfaithful etc, I quite fancy him too ya know, and he makes me laugh. And I love how he is with the kids.

But he's not the most giving person and because of that, coupled with the fact that I hate taking prisoners and so don't want to control him, we have difficulties in the daily grind with him giving me (I feel) a hard time.

I would love it if he were different in so many ways - toward me and about the house (which is probably really towards me too actually) but is that so much different to every other woman on the earth?

but a few things really are much clearer and that is how he is being unreasonable re the housework and my working environment. I never saw it that way and actually, because his parents own a half of this house (he owns the other half) I sort of unconsciously felt that I didn't have quite as much say in things. So I feel a renewed confidence to say I AM being fair here. And not controlling.

OP posts:
wyrdyBird · 19/02/2014 01:01

Separate rooms by mutual consent is one thing. Finding yourself forced out to sleep on an air mattress, with a prem baby, is another.
If sleep was his only problem, why didn't he sleep on the air bed? And leave you and baby in comfort?

Offred · 19/02/2014 01:03

And I agree with AF, it sounds like he is very good at controlling how he and you are perceived.

Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 01:06

Stressedmum - if I moved he books he would likely come into the room and say in an annoyed voice "why did you move the books", and if I said "they've been there a few years and barely ever touched, and because this is my working environment I think it should be a bit more in keeping with how I am most comfortable, ie clean and tidy and not cluttered, that I thought it was MY turn to have the books backing the shelf for a bit."

Then I think he'd likely reply "well why should I have to be controlled by you and have my books where I don't want them?"

And if I said my usual line of "well I could ask you the same thing honey, dontcha think?" He'd probably tut and sigh and leave with some insult which would make me wonder if I was being a real cow to my poor husband!

OP posts:
Offred · 19/02/2014 01:07

This seems reasonably applicable. He is perhaps not overtly abusive from your description but more of a pillar of the community type who is controlling.

campion · 19/02/2014 01:08

Have you ever wondered why he's like this and then wondered about asperger syndrome? Because he does sound rather inflexible, doesn't like things or his life disturbing, and isn't awfully good at compromising.(BTW choosing a week each and not being allowed to complain isn't a compromise really)

I'm not saying this as a criticism-of you or him-but just as another way of looking at it. If he was actually found to be on the autistic spectrum then you might see things in a different light and feel less frustrated about it (sometimes). You do sound like you're making a huge effort to manage his idiosyncrasies and that he's not 'getting it'.

So I just did wonder.

Offred · 19/02/2014 01:08

Particularly this part; "In his comprehensive essay, "Understanding the Batterer in Custody and Visitation Disputes", Lundy Bancroft observes:

"Because of the distorted perceptions that the abuser has of rights and responsibilities in relationships, he considers himself to be the victim. Acts of self-defense on the part of the battered woman or the children, or efforts they make to stand up for their rights, he defines as aggression AGAINST him. He is often highly skilled at twisting his descriptions of events to create the convincing impression that he has been victimized. He thus accumulates grievances over the course of the relationship to the same extent that the victim does, which can lead professionals to decide that the members of the couple 'abuse each other' and that the relationship has been 'mutually hurtful'."

Yet, whatever the form of ill-treatment and cruelty – the structure of the interaction and the roles played by abuser and victim are the same. Identifying these patterns – and how they are influenced by prevailing social and cultural mores, values, and beliefs – is a first and indispensable step towards recognizing abuse, coping with it, and ameliorating its inevitable and excruciatingly agonizing aftermath."

Original poster
Contemplates · 19/02/2014 01:09

Any was right that I haven't told the half of it because time hasn't allowed. But actually he has stopped pretending to my family and has shown his stroppy attitude to my family on more than one occasion.

But my family are a forgiving bunch and just laugh at him, saying that he is tired or being a typical man etc.

OP posts:
wyrdyBird · 19/02/2014 01:12

It sounds as if you're just trying to be heard, not being controlling, OP.

It seems to be all about power for him, though. So there's no give and take, or trying to make the other person happy, which is what most people in caring relationships aim for. You have to have a reason ready just to move a few books? And even if you do, you're being controlling.

It does sound exhausting. Not funny at all...