I did this before but let's do it again today

[Ledkr]

Things you have done or achieved since a break up to inspire anyone in a painful place.
Ill start.

Went on holiday abroad with just my dc,
Danced on a beach till dawn in Ibiza.
Lost three stone.
Had long dark hair cut into a blonde bob.
Had a lot of sex.
Reconnected with or made loads of lovely friends.
Drank beef in the bath.
Had weetabix for tea.
Went to lots of festivals with or without dc.
Laughed and laughed.
Traded in the family saloon for a golf convertible.
Got much closer to my children.

I could go on.
Share your stories to help others see there is life after heartbreak.

Lol at beachside. Surely the other way around?

If our fuckwit exes had actually been good in bed or made us laugh on occasion maybe we wouldn't have felt so crap and suffocated in the relationships.

It's great to take stock. I came out of a seven year, sexless marriage to someone who didn't speak to me for weeks on end. And who stopped paying the mortgage without telling me, stopped all direct debits for utilities, and disappeared.

Since I left nearly four years ago I:

Discovered I'm good at running, joined a club, ran a marathon, loads of half marathons, and have been fastest woman at my local parkrun.

Set up home in a gorgeous, if tiny, converted barn and scraped my finances back in order after the mess he left me in.

Had great sex with a very bad boy.

Had great sex with the love of my life, who now shares my home and my life.

Body-surfed naked

Been on TV and published a book

Had my nose pierced and my hair cut and bleached

Been to lots of gigs and festivals alone and loved it.

I still carry the scars (psychological) from my marriage but I'm unrecognisable since then. I made a big mistake and married the wrong person; I'll never have those years back but I can be proud that I've not let them grind me completely down.

This is SO inspiring. I'm making my list of things I'm going to do when I extract myself from my so-called marriage and I'm going to start trying to do them now.

Is being naked in water a given after a break up? Body surfing, swimming, skinny dipping, water skiing, scuba diving, whaling etc
A lot of you seem to do it.

I didn't do it bogroll. Although I have been invited to foreign, and warmer, climes over Easter when I'm assured I will be skinny dipping in the sea within walking distance of the man I'm seeing's family home!

I'll let you know!

Misogynistic?

No, not at all - I'm just trying, politely, to say that you / we all have this joie de vrie in us, yet we let it get extinguished, and it's either our own fault for neglecting it, or, much more rarely, it's done to us by an abuser, male or female.

Yet to read this thread, with all this positive, powerful ,uplifting stuff, I'm wondering - have ALL these people escaped abusers?

Or did some neglect their innerselves, and are now projecting this rediscovery of joy upon their ex's, and not the real culprit?

Well I, for one, "escaped an abuser".

But more than that, I couldn't have gone out of the house to do the things I did - singing solo, dancing lessons, playing in a band etc because I tried doing more stuff when we were together and it just caused arguments. All he wanted to do was watch films and play videogames. He wouldn't even go for a walk in the park if it looked like rain...

Now I can go and do the stuff I want to when the children are with their dad or because my eldest is now old enough to babysit the youngest.

When the children go and visit him now they either go to the cinema, watch dvds or play videogames. It's drives even my teenage son mad. So for him, things haven't changed.

I didn't 'neglect' my inner self, but when you get accused of having an affair/fancying someone if you go out wearing make up, then it just becomes easier to not wear it. And it feels a bit odd to wear nice clothes if you're not wearing make up because you look a bit 'unfinished'. So you stop making so much of an effort. And you begin to feel very conspicuous so you make your self less visible. And when you can't go an nourish your soul with activities and things that fill you with joy, you seek comfort and happiness elsewhere, and treat yourself with a bar of chocolate whilst convincing yourself you can spend the rest of your life being spoken to like shit, surfing the internet whilst your OH wants to watch The Hulk for the umpteenth time.

beachside I didn't 'escape' anything. my ex wasn't an abuser . I'm not overweight, I took care of myself, very much catered for his very demanding job, made time for 'us' etc etc. in hindsight most people might feel they could have tried harder more of the time. but I wasn't the one who ended my marriage. I didn't choose this life I have now. but this thread was started to help someone going through a relationship breakdown beyond her control. and it has helped those like me who feel overwhelmed by what has happened to our relationships and who are maybe grieving for the life they thought they had and would have. for the lives they wanted for their dcs. i dont want to be anyones ex wife or my dcs to be crying to me that daddy doesnt live here. I dont want to be judged and told I've failed my dcs as they will have two parents who adore them and take a full part in their lives just not in the same house.

but this thread has certainly made me smile and feel hopeful that I will move forward and I'm not alone in this experience. as for me, in RL, I know no one who has gone through this. I may not know these people on mnet but god threads like this have given me a lifeline and a voice I may not otherwise have had.

your comments come across as if just to provoke. people experiencing a break up who have come on mnet for support dont deserve to have more judgement and degrading, for some they have already had enough of that.

please see the thread for what it was started for.

Well I was with my xh for 18 yrs 4 kids one poorly and I had breast cancer too during the marriage.
So if I gained a little weight or stopped having loads of sex or good times then I'm guilty as charged.
Did I expect the man I'd given half my life and four kids to, who had sat with me through losing my breasts to not shag someone else and reject me then I made a big mistake but if make it again because life happens from time to time and its hard to maintain yourself through some of it.

I really appreciate the positives thanks again Ledkr

Minime85 and everyone else, really nice to hear the positive thoughts

Mumsnet has certainly helped me. I was treated badly (again) a year or so again, I posted a while ago:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1986624-Are-these-sociopthic-traits-warning-VERY-long?pg=3&order=

Whilst I manage to stay positive a hell of a lot of the time (in last year have bought a house, extended/renovated it etc) I am not ashamed to admit it's bloody hard sometimes isn't it girls?!

I try and remain positive, and appreciate you never know what's round the corner but sometimes the fact that I'm 45 this year, on my own again, never been married, will never bear a child, and still struggling with what happened a year ago just gets to me and I have bad days. And sometimes just having to put your 'oh congratulations, that's lovely news' face on for the constant stream of marriage, pregnancy, birth announcements is just so hard!

But anyway just wanted to say it's made me smile reading your positive posts on this thread

Xxx

Mini me - me too! I lost myself while bringing up 3 young dc whilst he was doing his high powered job, I wasn't allowed to take a language course (cos he'd have to take holiday to look after the DC alone) , couldn't go out much as he'd be late home most nights... He was not an abuser in any way, but I could not live like that. I gave it 18 years.
The point of this thread is not only:- there is life, fun, excitement after separation, but also that we CAN DO IT! we can buy a house on our own. Decorate it, do the diy. Do the childcare, get a job, study, arrange holidays... All at the same time.
Im glad your marriage is perfect and you get plenty of fun and you are lovely and slim and your children perfectly brought up. Not everyone is so happy. Lucky you.

That was aimed at Beachside, BTW. I got the same attitude from my toxic sister when I told her I was splitting from dh - I was selfish, should always put myself second, should give my dc 20 years... this from someone who kicked her dcs father out when they were 2 and 3! (and then took up with someone who had zero interest in them. Yes they are damaged, becuase they had 2 'parents' who couldn't give a toss about them)
It's not selfish to want more. It's not damaging to dc to have 2 happy, but seperate homes.

Minime is exactly right. I didn't feel lost in my relationship. My partner was not an abuser.

My achievements have been in building a life once the previous certainties were swept away. Like many others in the same situation, I was utterly bereft and could not have imagined the progress I've made since.

I am not sure what motivates someone to come and be so goady on a thread like this.

Anyone else read this thread and think single life sounds fun I must leave my husband even though we are doing ok? Or is that just me then?

No, just do all those things while you are married.

I'm remarried now and I'm so happy, I'm careful to keep my own sense of self and enjoy my life instead of just existing as part of a couple.

I wouldn't change for anyone now. I think that in my marriage I did change myself because my personality was assessed almost daily, I now know that's what ex does to everyone to make himself feel better

It's very hard to have the confidence to be who you are when someone else takes that confidence and beats you with it. That's why, I suspect, many of us enjoy having our old selves back and realise how much of ourselves we gave away

I like me, I am a bit loud sometimes, funny occasionally, kind, generous and I'm by no means perfect. But I have lots of friends so I'm enjoying life and am very fussy when it comes to boyfriends now

Am I the only one who's a couple of dress size bigger than when I was in a horrible marriage?

I had an amazing figure, looked fantastic and was bloody miserable.

I've now got a bit more padding, and dh says I look fantastic (he might be biased though), and have amazing sex a much better general outlook on everything.

I certainly didn't let myself go whilst married

I think it's really sad that such a hopeful, positive, supportive thread had been polluted by some posters.

in fact, Beachside, here's my first ever

I can't list a lot of new things I have done, but I most definitely realised I was with the wrong person.

Everything about my life revolved around him and his needs. I turned into a shadow of my former self.

Nowadays, I find myself feeling free, relaxed and ready to enjoy life without feeling like an accessory to someone else.

Beachside lets hope one day you don't get punched in the face over and over because you forgot to get milk and have to do a list of the things you proud of. Yes that was my life because he was a prize cunt not because I was fat.

Have My first as well.

so come on, give us some more positives, you lovely people who've come out the other side feeling good...

I've been out for the day with dh and the dds.
It was a lovely day, we shared the preparation and driving.
We shared the grotty jobs like toilet runs and nose wiping.
He did not kick off because we got muddy.
He was not in a rush to get back so he could go out with his mates or see his girlfriend.
When OUR toddler played up in the cinema he helped and offered to go out with her then thanked me later for doing it.
We laughed and I didn't feel as if he was marking time, he was genuinely enjoying being with us.
We stopped for take away without him moaning about the cost then we unpacked bags and sorted kids together rather than being left to do it alone.

God I love that man and my oh so normal life