"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's February 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

HURRAH!!! have you seen them yet? what do they specialise in ?

DM has been driving me mental today and yday with her entitled "solve my problems that are of my own making" bullshit. I googled and found this woman who is a cognitive psychotherapist with an interest in mindfulness. e mailed and she's 50€ a session and not too far away and is bilingual, has lived in the states. I could do it in Spanish but I think I'd prefer to do this in English. I phoned and she was away fro the office but will ring me back and hopefully will see her on Tues morning.
DB has been v encouraging, he says to give it a go and see if I like her.

She's just phoned and I'm going to see her at 11am on Tuesday. Bit nervous now. But excited too.

Writing on other thread how I was the smelly kid with hair full of lice at school and how as preteen I decided to look after myself and take care of my own hygiene, I just remembered how my mum criticised me for spending time in the shower and for washing my hair. Apparently "people who are really dirty inside, have this need to be always clean on the outside, to try and hide their filthiness from the world".
These are her words to a 15 year old virgin girl (me).

Apparently taking an interest in my appearance, wanting to wear clothes that actually fit and look nice, using few accessories and a lip balm, made me be " shallow, un intelligent and promiscuous.

Good You need to do it in English.

I don't know if this applies to you, but I am able to separate my languages in my head, so I can be mighty pissed off in portuguese, but as calm as a cucumber in english.

I also found that when studying in portuguese i needed to translate to english for it to fully sink in and remember/store facts.

Falconi what other thread is this love? you poor thing, that's just awful. glad you came over to this thread though, you will get the support and understanding you need here. (((HUG)))

Will do it in English, when I spoke to her on the phone we spoke Eng and she sounds like a native (is Cuban and lived in the states). Wondering whether to change appt to this Thurs even.

Welcome Falconi. Your Mum sounds horrendous.

Goodtobetter she sounds promising. Hope it goes well and she can help.

Weird weird weird day here. My Mum convinced me to go out to Virginia Water and Dad would come too. I haven't seen him in a long time. For some reason, probably fog, I agreed. I think after two years since the incident where I opted for nc with him, I hoped I could manage a short contact. It went ok but was weird. But I have no plans to see him again soon. One short afternoon in the same place doesn't mean he's a changed man. He's not. He's 72. He's too old to change who he is. It's just the contact was diluted being out and about. It was weird. But he would loose it with me and get angry about something if I saw him again I'm sure and I never want my kids to witness me being treated badly or for my Dad to treat them badly either. His temper is the biggest issue. He's intolerant. He is who he is and I need to protect myself. Perhaps today wasn't wise and Mum will want me to repeat it, so I'll need to reset boundaries again. Still not sure why I agreed. Odd day.

Ooh, don'tstep are you near Virginia Water? I'm only about Half an hour ish away from there!

Haven't Been there since dinosaurs walked the earth I was 19 though!

If you fancied a meet one weekend...

I think you handled that perfectly though. How'd you feel now?

The Azaleas in the Valley Garden are lovely right now. Definitely worth a visit.

I live in North London/ Herts but my parents live in Berkshire. Which is why we went there. Meeting up sometime sounds nice.

I still feel weird. Like today didn't happen. If I think too hard I feel like someone's walked across my grave. Does that make sense? Do you know that expression? So I keep shoving it to the back of my mind again.

My Dad can be kind sometimes but he has such a wicked temper and it flares up over minor things and he can threaten you, hold grudges, never apologises, send you abusive messages once he has a flare up. It's just not worth it to try and fix things. It's always my fault. I'd like a loving father figure. I could pretend I have one after today but he'll hurt me again soon enough.

Not sure any of this makes sense.

I didn't say much today to him. Polite conversation best describes it all.

No discussions about the past and his appalling behaviour. My parents like to brush things under the carpet and pretend they never happened.

That sounds all quite disconcerting, Don'tstep...I can see why you feel weird. I think it's weird for there to be no mention of what happened, but that's what these parents are like, isn't it? DM does that about DH..pretends he doesn't exist most of the time. I hope you can redraw your boundaries and shake off the weird feeling.
How any languages do you speak Hissy? I'm hoping I like Dr.M as I'll call her...quite looking forward to talking to her, especially as Dm has been creating another drama out of the most ridiculous thing this week and trying to rope me into it. Hoping Dr. M will be good and help e with FOG and boundaries.

After my brother's wedding last week (went ok as mum was on her best behaviour), I am considering going from NC to minimal contact. I know some of you will strongly disagree, but i feel that it may be easier in regards to my relationship with my brother, and other relatives etc who are genuinely upset and can't understand my reasons re my dad, etc.

I am wondering if any of you manage low contact ok, how do you maintain strong boundaries? How often do you see/ speak to your parents? Anything else I should be considering?

You've done your duty visit then lovey.

Totally get your 'dream sequence' feeling. Felt like that after the christmas invasion. Felt a bit like that the other day with my sister.

You saw this for way it was, a cleaning up exercise. This is so they can answer "yes" to the question "did you see Don'tStep recently. Makes them feel just a little less shit about themselves

milly give it some time... way too soon to make a decision like that! see how the dust settles first! Leave a door slightly ajar for now.

You need to know that you can handle them whatever happens. I'm not sure you are quite there yet.

Good besides English there's another fluent, a good working albeit self taught other and 2 rusty school languages.

Wanna learn Danish. Sooooo wanna learn Danish. I'm addicted to Scandi dramas on telly! :)

Hissy, I'm always fascinated how people who speak more than one foreign language don't mix them up! I speak Eng and Spanish and did french and german at school, but that's so long ago now....Lived in Portugal for 9 months before Spain but didn't manage to learn much as lived with Brits and the Portuguese are all quite good at English!

Difficult to explain really, English and portuguese are my strongest 2. They occupy different sides of my brain. When I speak one language, I close off the other. My voice is slightly higher pitch in portuguese too, but strains more easily! If I have to speak portuguese over background noise/music I often lose my voice afterwards.

Sometimes I use portuguese to remember words I 'forget' in (mother tongue) English.

Sometimes I forget the word in both, then i'm stuck! :)

It's harder when the languages are similar. So if I have to speak spanish it can be a bit sticky to get going at first, but it's not as strong a language for me, so i'd always struggle.

How's the job thing going for DH btw? Did he get anywhere with that interview?

Yes, it's fascinating how the pitch changes, isn't it? Fascinating watching two little bilingual children grow up and learn both langauges (and learn them in totally different ways..iyswim)

No, no call back and it's listed as closed on the website. There are some street sweeping jobs coming up at the council so he's in the system for that, will find out in another few days. It goes on points, depending on poverty, dependants, etc and would be for 6 months and then he'd have some dole again.

Thanks Hissy, tbh i don't feel anything for my parents anymore and the wedding doesn't change that. The main thing that has had me thinking is walking to my brother towards the end of the night. He was quite drunk and was talking about how i should just ignore mum's behaviour for the sake of dad, cos he's a good man and upset by all of this. He cries whenever my name is mentioned etc.

DB was not being horrid at all, he just does not seem to understand it at all. Weird really, cos he was treated like shit too (my sister was the golden child growing up, yet she is completely behind me and understands it all). DB is so deep in FOG thst he just thinks the problem is mum being 'a bit mental' ans i should just rise above it for dad's sake. He is a very kind man and just feels bad when dad turns on the waterworks. I have explained my viewpoint before but it probably doesn't help that i come across as strong and quite chirpy, whilst dad is all tears and woe-is-me. I am frustrated with my brother's take on things, but i love him and i know he means well. Just annoys me that this is affecting our relationship.

Just lost a whole post while trying to remove a hair from the iPad... Bugger. Too late to start again now so will just say hello and wishing everyone well in this horrible tangled jungle of dysfunctional family dynamics...

Bonne nuit. Gute Nacht. Buenas noches. Buonanotte. Bona nit.

Pretentious, moi???!!!

Boa noite!

(you forgot one talking)

:)

Oh and José Mourinho has the same phone as me, he's on the telly and his text beeps have confused me cos I keep on thinking it's my phone going off!

milly you can have a relationship with your db, you can agree to disagree on your dad.

good how disappointing! Hope he gets a break soon!