"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's February 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Meanwhile, on Planet Hissy...

Had a surprise visit from dsis.

!

We talked.

She apologised.

We may/probably shall talk again.

Blimey hissy . Are you ok? A bolt from the blue, no?

You could say that.

Feeling a bit mixed this morning though.

Dunno what to believe.

Hello lovely people! Hope you're all doing well.

Looking for abit of help. Our wedding is matter of days away.
As some of you know, we don't see toxix PILs anymore, been about 7 months now?

We seem to only hear from them when there is an event coming up, Christmas, Birthday, Mothers day..
And by hearing from them i mean guilt trips, horrible messages..the usual.

I'm already anxious about the wedding! I'm worrying they will put a downer on the day by texting something horrible to DH. They won't turn up as it means them doing something off their own back and you know, that will never happen!

On the other hand, i don't know if they will as they will not benefit anything from our wedding, ie presents, cards, money.
But emotionaly, FIL will probley use 'i can't believe MIL isn't seeing her only son get married, MIl is very upset'
So the only thing she will gain is making our day, about her. Just like she did with DD1s birthday.

Has anyone else been in the same boat? What did other toxic parents/PILs do?

Your H2B is the one that can 'prevent' this. He can switch off his phone and make sure that if anyone needs him, they can call his Best Man. Either that, or the Best Man can hold his phone and only make him aware of anything benign or an emergency. Any shitty contact he can delete.

I don't think he'd tell me even if they did.
They havn't got best mans number, if they did have it and rang him. PIL's would have a new one tore.

We have deleted all of his side off FB (!
( they will see pictures) as last time (DD1s birthday) MIL started a 'woe is me' row so everyone could see then threatened me. She and FIL are blocked.

Fingera crossed she won't even remember the date.

Make the photos set to Friends Only.

What I meant by calls was for anyone connected to the wedding, mates etc that needed to contact him for GOOD reason, then the Best Man's number could be the one that your H gives out for the day.

Thank you Hissy, you make many valid points that make total sense.

Mommybird best of luck for the day and congratulations.

No experience of this as it's my Dad who's toxic and I limit contact. But Hissys advice is wise. I hope they have forgotten and you have an amazing day and don't think about them at all x

Hello, I am a sometime lurker who's been pointed over here after I started this thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2055276-DB-being-an-arse-dont-want-to-be-family-scapegoat-any-more

But my situation is a bit different as I don't think there's much narc behaviour going on in our family, more a very bad family scapegoating situation with me as the perennial scapegoat. And this is mainly due to some really big issues (divorce, step brother whose father committed suicide and was then brought over to the UK speaking no English at age 7). So much suppressed fury and grief which I am apparently meant to carry for the rest of them. Except I don't want to any more - but I also want to stay in touch with them for the sake of my DD.

And, um. that's it

Low and behold she has texted.
Why are these people so textbook?!
Atleast we know what to expect i guess.

Really worried she's going to turn up.

Welcome Sark. Your family dynamics are toxic and very damaging to you emotionally. Please do not feel you don't belong here, all are welcome.

I think now is good time to become more assertive with your brother. If he over reacts you can remain calm, you can't choose how he reacts but you can choose your response. If he is abusive on the phone, you can say you won't be spoken to like that and hang up. Or by e-mail or text you can state what works for you and not enter into people staying over night. Stick to facts not feelings and see what happens next. Don't respond to abuse.

Every step of the way we'll all support you here.

I'm sure the others will be along soon with their advice for you.

I think ultimately you need to question whether any family contact is good for you and not be confused by manipulation or guilt trips. Does he add anything to your life? We can feel such obligation, guilt and fear but if you can see through that and do what's best for you here. You won't look back.

Mommy can you have someone there to deal with her if she does?

Oh yeah. My mom

Thanks for the welcome, Momeraths. This is the thing, there won't be any anger or fury at all, just a general sense of disappointment and that I am being unreasonable. Quite possibly with a long silence. What pisses me off most is that I never get to express my feelings, and when I do, I am automatically unreasonable and in the wrong (ah, that's an interesting thought there, never realised that before...).

He's quite amusing when he's here - but the main thing is that we don't have much family (my father's dead, my mother takes useless to new levels) so I would like DD to see her cousin. And that's what DB would like too, it's just he goes about it in a very strange way.

Oh, and meant to say, I will try and get my head around the rest of this thread as well - have read it once but can't say anything useful to any of you yet!

Hi Sark

I read your thread. Two things came to mind. One is: you don't need to do anything. You can drag your heels if you want to. Just be vague about going to stay unless you get a warm invite from him that makes you feel comfortable. If someone says jump and you don't fancy jumping you don't need to agonise about how high. Just don't jump!

The other is - these things feel so much easier to handle if you can decide what, on your terms, you'd like from them. Say you decide that you want your Dc to know and get on with their cousins, then you can determine arrangements that help this but aren't destructive to you. (Days out sound great. A week at your bro's less so.) This way you can be civil with your brother and build on the aspects of your relationship where you are in agreement with each other, without overstepping the mark into more fraught or fragile territory.

In some ways passive aggression is far worse and insidious Sark. All you can do is try to not let it affect you (easier said than done.)

It wouldn't surprise me if his tactics change, once he realises his old behaviour no longer works to manipulate you into doing as he wishes.

feeling shit. failed induction earlier this week, 38+3 now. The last 2 weeks Ive been having nightmares about family and the feelings of loss and failure and guilt; loss of all warmth from the home once my beloved adoptive mother died; loosing my father (stepmother edged me out of the family when I was a troubled teen, he never once stood up for me, just shouted and shouted if I dared leave my room where I was out of the way); crazed violent and insane biological mother, and now one of my two sisters has gone nuts at me (and I did ask a good, sane, sensible friend her opinion of the emails, she thought my sister was irrational and unpleasnt, so it's not jsut me).

I can't stop the bloody nightmares coming back and replaying it all over and over again and waking up at 4 am feeling horrendous. Night after night.

Don't know what to do. The 2 nights in hospital when they were trying to induce me were great, they gave me sleeping injections. Now Im home again and the bad dreams are back. I can keep things under control in the day, but I cant control my dreams :(

Oh Meerka that's really hard.

Could you talk to your GP perhaps? I can't remember if you're having therapy but now might be a good time to try and book a few sessions to talk through things. It may help a little. You're going through a really hard time and with the imminent arrival of this baby it's bound to stir things up too.

Have you tried long baths before bed or perhaps some lavender on your pillow. That may make me sound mad but alternate therapies have helped me in the past to sleep better.

I'm trying to cook dinner (badly) so I'll be back later.

I've been off thread a fair amount due to work and other commitments but I have a few days off now. Did I miss your sisters e-mails below? What happened? Would it help to talk about it?

I just wish my sons had some family where I could show them and say 'this is where I come from, these are my people, your family too, they remember me as a little girl and they are where you come from'. He asks about my family and I just don't know what to say.

my other half sister is just lovely, she really is. But again, we only met once I was 18. My adoptive aunt is lovely too but we didnt see her very much when I was growing up. My adoptive father's never really cared about family at all. Biological father put his name on the birth cert but doesn't want any contact at all, I found him and he (relatively kindly) said no further contact.

Meerka I read both posts last night. I wanted to take time to reply in a thoughtful way. I'm not as articulate or as wise as some on this thread. But I wanted you to know someone was listening and cared.

Your adoptive mother sounded so wonderful. And your PIL sound like good people. But it's not the same as your own flesh and blood and the warmth you have from those who brought you up.

I cry sometimes when my kids ask me why we don't see my side of the family much.

I can see you've had a post removed as it may out you as it's so identifying. So I don't want to repeat too much of it but I really feel for you.

You shouldn't feel guilty. You say with the nightmares they're bringing loss, failure and guilt. Your sister has chosen despite repeated offers for her to stay over to send irrational, horrid e-mails and accuse you of things that are entirely unfounded. Your house is only so big. Your friend is right, she is irrational. This is not your fault. You have nothing to feel guilty for. You didn't do anything wrong.

Im so sorry. It's almost as if you've been rejected by all the family who are blood and who have known you since childhood. Your other half sister sounds lovely and your PIL but it's not the same as those who've known you your whole life.

You've been through so much. I hope you can have some more therapy soon. You have a lot to work through.

Did you sleep any better last night? What's the next step with induction? You must be struggling to sleep being over due and uncomfortable.

Hi all,

I have been lurking for a while, reading through other people's experiences and wondering whether to post...

DH has recently decided to go nc with his mother, my MIL.

There's a back story, which is almost 11 years long, so I'll spare the details if people don't mind!
The short version is that after living with us (me, DH and DD) for 11 years full time (court order etc) my DSD has decided to move 80 miles away to live with her mum.
A great deal of upset has ensued as DSD decided to move out of the blue, and basically went for a holiday to her mums and refused to come home to us.

Cue, MIL, who is very supportive and makes herself indispensable by providing lots of child are, for DSD, less so for DD.
This scenario has opened the mother of all cans of worms!
Ranging from MIL calling DH a shit dad for letting DSD go, to saying that I am pure evil and a controlling bitch and I'm glad DSD has moved (I'm gutted about it, I've been her full time mum for the past 11 years!).

I've never really thought about it before, but MIL is a total control freak, particularly around DH.
and if DH doesn't 'comply' with what she says she will;
A) question his parenting
B) threaten to cut us out of the will
C) threaten to withdraw child care support
D) say 'your father would be so ashamed of you, he'll be turning in his grave' to DH (DH adored his father, he was a wonderful man and questioning the bond between them really rattles DH. He's told MIL this but she takes no notice)

The day we were due to move into our first house, ten years ago, she purposely gave the garage key to DFIL so we couldn't have access to the car to put a mattress in the house to sleep on for our first night. We called a cab and asked them to help us shift the mattress, she then screamed and shouted at me in the street and said to DH 'she's taking you and DSD away from me!' We moved half a mile down the road

The list hoes on and on. All through DH's childhood, he was encouraged to be attached to her apron strings. She would put him down, tell him he couldn't do things and it would make him gravitate towards her.
Needless to say, he has suffered with major self esteem issues all his life, seeks constant reassurance and when he doesn't get it he gets angry. He has had 18months of CAT therapy after a breakdown 2 years ago and things were just settling down when DSD left and it all started again.

We have been nc for about two weeks with both MIL and DSD (at DH's insistence as it's clear that DSD is manipulating him the same way MIL does unfortunately, that's a whole other post!).
The difference in his MHealth and general we'll being is unbelievable!

Sorry it's a massive outpouring of emotions, but just can't believe other people have been going through similar stuff, I though we were the only ones!

Thankfully MIL is due to move house to be closer to DSD in two weeks to the nc will be much easier, she currently lives about 100 metres from our house.
DD has been nc with MIL as long as me, which is coming up for 2 months.

Goodluck mommybird & congrats on your up and coming nuptials.
Me and dh are not married yet and I also wonder what would happen if we ever tied the knot as I am non contact with inlaws, for around 18m for me & children, bar one off meeting last march. Dh hasn't seen them for around 6 months maybe more.

So actual experience I'm afraid but I know exactly what you mean re all occasions centering around them. When in contact it was all about what mil wanted, she was like a queen bee giving out orders. If people didn't go along with what she wanted fil would phone up or turn up to guilt trip/say how mil is in tears etc.

And yes we get the texts too, normally on birthdays, christmas, easter, birth and every other celebration going even though we no longer see them.
Today I got a text from an older niece of ours, I guess mil put her up to it. All it says is "hi"

The mind boggles but I guess it's about them all wanting to lord up big celebrations because they'll miss out on gifts and the attention they used to get from it all.

Things are better here but dh does feel insecure on a regular basis, and with it being easter he has the guilt fog again. Probaby reminiscing over mil crappy easter hunt she used to put on every easter sunday for the kids . Even that was about her

The thing is these types of people don't change, they'll always bask in the glory that is given to them which is why I'm glad I am not a part of it anymore. The relief is immense. I long for the day dh looks towards the silence being a relief rather than feeling guilt upon thinking about them.

meerka I am sure everything will work out fine, it will be your hormones making them dreams/nightmares for you. I had the same with baby pumpkin before her birth at the start of january. I was a nervous wreck but 3 & a bit months down the line and no ils have seen my baby girl & I know they never will as I will never allow another child of mine experience the same shit my other children did.
You will be so protective once he or she is here they'll be no stopping you from keeping he or she away from harm such as these toxic people!