Found out dp is on the sex offenders register

[mrscoleridge]

Please be kind as this has only come out today and I think I'm in shock.
Have posted before about dp that I have been with for a few months. Am smitten with him and we have been very happy.
However my friend googled him and found that he was convicted of having a relationship with a pupil and was dismissed as a teacher.
She was 15 and pursued him according to the judgement and it only got as far as some kissing and cuddling.
I can't believe this and as I have two teenage daughters am in turmoil. He doesn't know I know.
He's been great with my family and as this was few years ago must have been out of trouble since.
I've no idea who knows.
Help!!

Listen to everyone. You know what to do and tbh even if you didn't have teenage daughters I would still be telling you to run a mile. You also need to really examine why you didn't just dump him immediately you found out that is a worry in itself

OP, you say that he didn't know you had teenage DDs when he first 'met' you (I put it in apostrophes because I think it was online).

Fine, but you have to accept the possibility that your DDs are the reason he is continuing the relationship. You mention that he has been out with other single mums 'without incident'. (as far as you know!)

I'm sorry, but i think it very likely that he is - consciously or subconsciously (though probably consciously) - looking for a relationship where he has access to teenage girls. That may sound insulting, it doesn't mean that you are unattractive in any way - just that a convicted paedophile has different motivations. Really.

There are some inconsistancies here. The OP says the "Judgment" (ie official Court document) says that the DP just kissed and cuddled the girl, would someone be put on the Sex Offenders register for that?
Surely it must have been more than that to even warrant it being taken to Court. I'm sure the CPS would not bring a case if it was just a bit of kissing and cuddling, especially IF the girl had pursued him.

I wonder if the OP has actually READ the whole judgment and not just extracts, she owes it to herself and to her DD's to do so.

I just read this thread, expecting, on every new page, to see the OP return and say she has kicked him out of her life. But no. I am aghast

I hope, OP, that's what you do. And use it as a lesson to be more cautious - with your own heart and the safety of your kids.

For the record, I went on a lot of internet dates. I always brought the conversation round to middle names on the first date (in a light hearted way!). If I planned on going on a second date, I would google the full name beforehand. The internet is a very powerful tool to help you. And I certainly wouldn't introduce a man to my kids for a looooooooong time (2 years in the case of my xBF)

Hope you're OK OP. It's a horrible shock to find out he was, indeed, too good to be true. You know what you need to do. I hope you're doing it

A teacher was quite recently ( about a year ago) convicted and put on the sex offenders register for kissing and cuddling a 15 year old pupil.. He was sentenced to 18 month in prison ( with custody, /I expect he would be out after a few months.
I expect OP is still reeling from the shock and in talking to the relevant authorities.

oldwoman - the boyfriend was in a position of trust. I would imagine that would come under grooming if the 15 year old was a pupil

She's smitten or rather was mitten. She's asking for help , I don't think she expects us to condone here having a relationship with a sex offender. She has "checked". She's seen his picture on the internet.

OddFodd, what I am trying to say is that, what is reported in the press etc is only the half of it (believe me I know) and that only very good strong cases come to Court to be prosecuted, trying to illustrate that the OP is deluding herself if she thinks that it doesn't seem, to her at least, very serious.

OP, posting this because Ido think you'll come back.
With this knowledge, you should now be closely questioning everything he's ever told you. No issues in his other relationships with single mothers. How do you know that? He claimed his previous GF died. How do you know that?
He's a stranger, he's only been in your life for just about two months from what I read in your earlier posts about him.
Dump immediately.
I don't even know why this is something you needed to post for advice about. Do you really need a bunch of strangers on the internet to tell you to dump him?

OP may have got some help and come back to talk if so many hunters around, I wonder if they will apologise now?

This happened to me a few days ago, you know the guidelines yet continue to pile in on people with the pitch forks!

OP, I hope the shock wears off and you work on your boundaries and self esteem, you don't need a Man.

Oops - sorry oldwoman. I didn't read your post properly - apols

I'm not implying this is OP's friend, but you only have to read this to see the devastating effect this has had on a young girls life.

Terrible.

My mum was also one of those women who put men above their children's safety and needs.

I've never forgiven her and its affected my life profoundly.

Here's the thing OP. You don't really need the opinions and advice of MN. You don't need it because you have excellent intuition (I know, I know, she's acting like she's dickmatised. Bare with me). Your problem is not in the 'knowing', you've known from the get-go that there was something off about this guy, despite all the hearts and flowers guff. That's what that feeling of "waiting for the bad news" is. It's the finely honed part of your amazing brain that has picked up on the tiny, seemingly insignificant bits of his behaviour that give his game away.

The problem for you is that your intuition is in direct conflict with your surface desire to be loved and adored (Nowt wrong with that) and to be 'special'. It seems like a desire that you are becoming desperate to have met. You know this and at 47, I've no doubt that you know where these needs arise from, but this guy isn't in your life to fix you. He sees your a little broken and he sees how that works in his favour.

You called off a wedding because you knew it was the wrong thing. You've come on here to question this relationship because YOU know there is something amiss. Don't listen to us lot, we're a bunch of know it all's with access to the net. Your family is in danger, the question is... Are you going to trust yourself, or are you going to ignore yourself?

Great post Quiet. I hope OP reads it.

As a secondary school teacher we are told from day one of training never to put ourself in a vulnerable position with a child - this means that if a student has a crush on you then you ensure you are never alone with them and you always maintain a professional relationship with them. This is always emphasised strongly for male teachers as that's where most of the problems lie.

We also have LOADS of child protection training as well so no one is ever in any doubt what is appropriate and what isn't.

Any teacher who ignore this is an abuser.

I worked with someone who left my school and then a few years later went to prison for having a sexual "relationship" with a pupil. It was reported that "neither knew they were doing anything wrong." I'm sorry but as a teacher you do know what is wrong and there are no excuses. if I were in your position, OP I would simply end the relationship now.

MrsC, it is nobel to give people a second chance...but in these circumstances it will be best to let someone else be the "nobel" one. (Back to that later) Hopefully you can use this sort of line of thinking to relieve yourself of any thoughts or feelings that you are being "mean". This would not be being mean, it is a well justified boundary. And as stated previously, he may expect a swift ending if you make the discovery of his secret (and he did keep it secret by not telling you himself-he may justify that to himself- by saying Google is available).

Moving forward from that, consider that you possess information about this person ...and it really needs to be reported to the authorities. Perhaps you do not feel like doing this because he has been so nice, and you do not want to repay that niceness by getting him in trouble. But please understand that the nice was not authentic. He was/is using you. The nice was/is part of the formula to distract you (and his young targets) from the truth of his hidden agenda. It is psychologically very black...very much manipulation, a sincere and professionally administered headfuck.

His future victims (the future "nobel" people) need you to report.

I apologize for hoping this thread was fake. I sincerely hope that you can end the relationship, own your disappointment, tell your daughters about it (they may be old enough to read this thread), and move forward in your life. If he stays in your life, your life (as well as your daughter's lives) really is not yours any more as he is a parasite of the worst kind.

Take care

"Noble"?

Oh yes Logg1e sorry for my spelling error if that is what you posted for. If not I will let you know the "noble" ones are there to ignore all sense in the self serving belief that they are a superior being and so much advanced in their evolution as a human being to patronizingly give a second chance, and they do so at their own risk which they reflexively dismiss as not applying to them. It is undoubtedly hooked into the the culture of women as the caregivers, men expect to be forgiven and coddled and given carte blanche on their behavior because after all they are men.

Sorry for tangent, MrsC

I am a former secondary school teacher. One of our graduate trainees (aged 21/22) went to the 6th form leavers ball where she kissed one of the 6th form leavers aged 18. They sacked her, no reference, unlikely she'll ever teach again. I am sure if the lad wasn't over 18 she would have been in more trouble.

Like Xenadog says it is drummed into you that you are in a position of trust and you must make sure that everything you do could be examined under utmost scrutiny and found to be absolutely professional. A 40 year old man kissing a 15 year old girl is abuse.

Op. Even if I was applying all liberal credentials to this scenario, the fact that you said that he has had relationships with SINGLE mothers in the tine frame since conviction IS a red flag that you cannot ignore.
My ex who is all sorts of pervert said this to me.
"I only like women with children as they are not jitterbugs". What he meant is that, to him, some women with children are easy to manipulate and go through all the "but he can't be bad, surely" when confronted with evidence....to the point that one wonders if they really love the children that they have. And the wretch is right. Considering that my ex preyed upon his OWN children (thank God that my daughter who is grown was not living with me) I can see that I was with a carte blanche sexual predator.
Perverts tend to be narcissistic. Narcissists cannot resist giving clues as to their REAL persona (as your "partner" has).
If you value you children and career, drop your "partner" with a swiftness that even Usain Bolt couldn't muster.
He will bring you down with him, if you stay with him. Even if it is not YOUR daughters that he gets his kicks from.

OP, the fact that you have been with your partner for only two months and you considered moving in him (and you have children) IS a red flag.
Narcissists know how to schmooze and get otherwise sensible people doing things that are out of character...that is until the penny drops. This isn't about you, it's your daughters.
I bet when you do your investigations, you will find out all sorts of head spinning, unedifying stuff about your partner. These kinds of people are very good at evading the law. I can guarantee that the conviction that he got isn't the only time that he has done something dodgy.
Also, has he asked you yet to do something in the bedroom that you don't like yet? Be honest with yourself, you don't have to tell MN. This man has got you acting out of character considering things that you, a teacher wouldn't otherwise do (moving in a man after two months and you have teenage daughters).