Found out dp is on the sex offenders register

[mrscoleridge]

Please be kind as this has only come out today and I think I'm in shock.
Have posted before about dp that I have been with for a few months. Am smitten with him and we have been very happy.
However my friend googled him and found that he was convicted of having a relationship with a pupil and was dismissed as a teacher.
She was 15 and pursued him according to the judgement and it only got as far as some kissing and cuddling.
I can't believe this and as I have two teenage daughters am in turmoil. He doesn't know I know.
He's been great with my family and as this was few years ago must have been out of trouble since.
I've no idea who knows.
Help!!

[ThatVikRinA22]

if the OPs boyfriend is outed then she is not likely to come back.

it seems morbid curiosity is taking over the thread rather than aiding the OP.

[AmIatwat]

I don't think so. We all want to support OP. Just need to get an handle on the situation OK 40 year old man 15 year old girl, but is there a pattern to his behaviour? has he offended before.? These are all clues we can use in justifying OP leaving this toxic man.
Nobody is going to be stupid enough to disclose who they think he is.

[Cabrinha]

A pattern? I think "40yo teacher kisses 15yo child" is enough, no?

[AmIatwat]

What I meant was he might have a history of attracting women with children before he was actually accused of having an improper relationship with this 15 year old child. I doubt this was a one off.

[doubleshotespresso]

OP I am certain your friend googled your boyfriend not to reference his business, but because she saw the red flags many on here have already commented upon.

If you work as a teacher, And you have this information confirmed via your friend and google, what further facts do you require before you drop this guy?

I am baffled........ And worried.

[OddFodd]

Oh Vicar, I ache for the little girl you were (((Vicar))) :(

So sorry that you went through that. It's the ultimate betrayal

[ThatVikRinA22]

oddfodd but i am good as new. shame it took 39 years and an out of the blue message from her to make me seek help....but i had "rewind" therapy and my god thats good....leaves your memories in tact but removes the emotional response - its very good for PTSD.

since then i have grown in confidence and as a person. last year i suffered for the first time in my life with depression and anxiety, but i do feel like a phoenix - had to burn up to rise from the ashes!

i dont want people to think i enjoy posting about pain and suffering but i hope very much that the OP takes to heart what happened to me and realises what she could be trading in for this relationship.

im not raw and it doesnt hurt to speak of my experiences thanks to the 'rewind', and if it can help someone then im willing to refer to it. I have also done seminars for work on the psychology of sex offenders....very illuminating.

i really hope the OP is still lurking even if not posting.
(and if you are OP then feel free to pm me....)

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

Hi OP

I think everyone else has said what needs to be said.

The part that's worrying me immediately that hasn't been addressed is that he's had access to your 15 yr old DD's bedroom. If it were me, I'd be scouring the room from top to bottom for any devices/cameras (and incase anything/clothing has gone missing).

Sorry, I can't put it in a 'nicer' way but with what you now know of him I'd be paranoid about his reasoning for having access to your DD's room for a good few hours, possibly alone/unsupervised for durations of the decorating.

I hope I'm wrong and there's nothing amiss in her room.

[perfectstorm]

Vicar, that was such a brave thing to post. for you in being willing to discuss such painful things to help the OP realise what she is getting herself into.

[ThatVikRinA22]

i hope i didnt just do that for nothing though perfectstorm....

thank you.
i dont feel brave. im just recounting the possible consequences if the OP puts this relationship above her children. its very sad that she feels in such a quandary.

but as a mother i find it difficult to understand why that quandary, my kids would always win, hands down, over a possible abuser. over anyone in fact. i couldnt put my children through what i went through and i couldnt imagine my world without them in it, if they cut me out i would be devastated beyond words.

[perfectstorm]

I can't understand it either. I can't imagine any situation in which protecting my kids wasn't my first and last instinct. I struggle to understand people who don't feel that way.

And yes, I think it is brave to talk about very personal things so openly, when the only motive is to help someone else. I very much hope it works, and makes the OP take a step back.

[AGoodPirate]

vicarinatutu I have always thought you were an especially nice poster and now I see you are an especially brave one too.
I'm glad you found your mum fifteen years ago. x

[whereswaldo]

Anyone listening to Radio4 right now? Programme on teachers and students having relationships- made me think of this thread.

[member]

Vicar, you've managed to convey the possible consequences of choosing an intense relationship with a Johnny Come Lately over your children without a harangueing tone - respect !

[drivenfromdistraction]

My DH is a university lecturer, so teaches the 18-21 age group. He is slightly appalled by the number of our (male) friends who make nudge-nudge comments about pretty young female students. To him, the students seem like children.

He's in his 40s, but has felt the same since starting his job over 10 years ago. The undergrads are so clearly immature, easily influenced, and in the process of 'finding themselves' that he can't even envisage the attraction - the situation is so unequal that there is just no level on which an actual relationship could begin to emerge - only an abuse of power.

And that's with adults. I really don't think that a decent man could think otherwise about a 15 year old schoolchild.

[AmIatwat]

Thinking either OP has been told by SS , work, police to not mention this situation on a public forum or is burying her head in the sand. Whilst I'm very angry that she even considered continuing to forgive such a man. Perhaps she is ashamed of being so gullible?
Who hasn't been taken in by a charmer at some time in our lives?
It's happened to me ( not a paedophile) but a controlling manipulator.
We can only hope and pray that she has seen him for what he is. Predatory men are charming, tick all the right boxes, will be ( appear) the answer to all your prayers. Give me someone who has a few annoying habits anytime. I need to see flaws, however minor just to prove they are genuine. I'm thinking about her daughters, praying they are safe. Sorry if my ramblings are a bit dull and depressing. I'm not in a good place myself.

[enriquetheringbearinglizard]

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter that's a very chilling thought.

I've read the OP's various threads about this man and not replied before as I found it hard to process how an intelligent and educated woman with experience and a family would seem to behave like a dizzy teenager.
I happen to think that when someone posts this kind of AIBU thread, even if it's in another board, that they actually know the answer, but they don't like the answers they get from other posters and although I can believe in rapid infatuation I don't believe in calling someone of just a few weeks your DP, let alone thinking of moving in together.

This thread is actually really worrying IMO.

[AmIatwat]

It's very worrying indeed. It just show's how these men ( and women) can have such a hold on there prey. It's a common misperception that only the weak, vulnerable and uneducated can be taken in by such individuals. Think Heather Price and Paul McCartney. I was "seduced" by her until one day on a long drive to Cornwall I heard her on the radio, and I thought " WTF" are you for real? I think it's only when you are an outsider that you see the what is really going on in a given situation.

[bionic77]

Hi OP

The only thing I would add is how would your daughters feel to know they were potentially at risk and you knew but did nothing?

[AmIatwat]

I think the tabloids will answer all our questions if OP doesn't tell him to sling his sad sorry arse,
He's a child abuser. A middle age man who had an intimate relationship with a kid, What if he was your brother, cousin, friend? Would you think this acceptable?

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter, when I read that bit about him being so agreeable to even help redecorate the daughter's bedroom I was , but was thinking along the lines of it being a grooming action of having the youngster become used to seeing him in her room, and perhaps him inventing reasons to be in her room -and after his helping so much-it would have been difficult for the daughter to say no, or to stand against any shaming comments from him about not letting him share the space he worked on.

But the idea of camera/recording devices is right on, imho.

[ladyquinoa]

It would be the nail in the coffin for me. A 15 year old is a child and would have been groomed. Someone cannot accidentally or innocently end up on the dec offenders register. Lawyers for the man will always argue that the girl was forward and willing because its s standard defence. Load of rubbish, a child is still a child. He was in a position of authority and should have known better

[AmIatwat]

No news? Does that mean OP has seen through this charming charismatic ways, been told /advised to keep he gob shut or (hopefully not) is kidding herself this man has served his time and is no longer a threat to children?
Perhaps I am to caught up with this thread, but I'm seriously worried about the implications it might have on her children .

[laughingeyes2013]

Love is blind ....